Hey Im Jordan — Roleplayer Guild

Hello, I come to you on this day September 26th, 2018 at around 6:38 EST at time of writing with a simple message.

I first tried looking for a movies/cinema general thread, and I didn't see one. So I just made one. Before I get too far into the reason I'm making this thread, let me preface it with this: I love(d) dinosaurs, and Chris Pratt is fucking awesome. 

Now, let me get to my point: Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom sucks. From the first ten minutes on, it sucks. I'll try not to spoil anything, but I'm not Roger Ebert or anything here, so bear with me and be warned, there may be spoilers ahead.

As you can see from the trailers, the island is blowing up. Volcano's erupting, whatever. Ian Malcolm gives you the whole spiel (by the way he's just in the movie, they just have him be there. they don't explain who he is so or why he's giving a speech to the U.S. Senate. i still have no idea if the first three movies are canon or not). Whatever, cool. Everything needs a reason.

Bryce Dallas Howard's character, Claire Dearing, is an abomination in this movie. As InGen has fallen Claire no longer works there. Instead, she's presented as the head of a 'save the dinosaurs' movement. This doesn't make any sense. If you've seen the first movie, Claire isn't really the 'activist' type. In fact, quit the opposite. In the first movie, she actually approves and watches the engineering of the dinosaur that literally ruins everything in the first movie: the Indominus Rex (it's a scary name, spoookkyyyy).

In this movie, alongside basically becoming super pro dinosaur for no reason (i attributed it to guilt), she's reduced to basically being Chris Pratt's arm candy. Which I mean, really she's realgood at. But she does NOTHING ELSE. When she goes to fetch Chris Pratt's character, Owen Grady, so that he can come and wrangle a raptor because he's the ALPHA OF THE RAPTOR PACK, she mentions that she dumps him. It's super awkward, by the way. The movie has some of the worst cuts and transitions in the history of film; and I watch WWE so I know what a bad camera cut looks like. Anyway, one second they're standing out at a cabin that Owen is building, and then it immediately switches to Claire laughing about how Owen didn't leave her. Bless Bryce Dallas Howard's heart, but this is one of the worst, most overacted laughs of all time. It's loud and annoying and cringey and forced. She goes on to say that she definitely broke up with him, not the other way around.

Then, they're on the plane. Before the plan even lands, she's hanging on him like he's her only chance at survival. I might be wrong, but I remember reading an interview from her where she says that Claire is a GREAT SYMBOL OF FEMINISM THAT LITTLE GIRLS WHO LIKE DINOSAURS CAN LOOK UP TO. I'm not a feminist myself, but I'm pretty sure the message they're trying to push is NOT grab Chris Pratt's arms whenever the ground shakes because a dinosaur might be back.

Anyway, they have this character also who's like a nerd and he works for Claire I guess. So she brings him (against his will, he has no interest in coming from the second they get on the plane, to the second they reach dry land, until he inexplicably becomes super brave) to the island, so he can hack into the Jurassic World (the park from the last movie) systems. I don't know why or how he's able to break into the security and tracking systems so easily, but he does it. Whatever.

He does say "I'm in." to those of you who are wondering.

This trip was funded by Benjamin Lockwood, a business partner of John Hammond that was created and introduced in this movie. He lives with his granddaughter, Maisie, and this guy named Eli Mills, and their maid named Iris. Mills has been appointed to guide Lockwood's fortune into the future! So he's sending all these people back to the island to get the dinosaurs and move them to a sanctuary island.

So, then we get back to the island. What follows might be a spoiler, but in my opinion: it is not. It's all in trailer #2, which spoils most of the movie. So, Owen tracks down Blue, and he's calming her down and it's going great and he's doing it and it's gonna be fine and then for no reason the mercenaries they're on the island with shoot Blue with tranquilizers. Owen starts freaking out and he says PUT DOWN YOUR GUNS, and they don't and Blue attacks one of them, who shoots Blue in the stomach. Okay from here on it's spoilers. Sorry, but I have to get all this out. I'll be respectful:

Now, Owen's upset because his friend got shot. Who wouldn't be upset? So he goes to ask the mercenary WHAT DID YOU DO? Who then shoots Owen in the chest with a tranquilizer designed to put fucking dinosaurs asleep. GUESS HE'S DEAD NOW. Suddenly, the volcano begins to erupt.

We go back to Claire and the nerd, who get trapped in the building they were in while working with the system to help track Blue. The thick, steel doors close and lock the pair inside. There is a tunnel that leads to the rest of the park, and lets in a dinosaur, who almost eats the nerd but doesn't because of some lava or something I don't really remember.

Anyway, after this we get the best part in the whole movie: Chris Pratt on tranquilizers trying not to get hit by lava. Have you ever seen the Wolf of Wall Street? You remember the scene with the Luudes? That's what this is! He flops around like a fish while tense music plays and they try to make it seem like he's going to die, but he's never really near the lava or in much real danger. He flops over a log and then stands up, shaking off the tranqs that were, again, designed to K.O. dinosaurs.

What a fucking monster.

Okay, what else do I have to complain about? This movie was more or less three different movies in one, and it sucked at all of them. At first, it's got like political thriller vibes sort of that are about like animal activism I guess? Then it's an action-ish movie... I guess. The third act is mostly horror, kind of? It's supposed to be suspenseful and tense, and make you feel hunted... but it doesn't do any of that. I wish I had good things to say about this movie. It has Chris Pratt. I love him.

But you know what this fucking movie didn't have? FUCKING DINOSAURS. THE DINOSAURS DIDN'T DO ANYTHING COOL. Chris Pratt didn't even do anything cool. The movie changes theme, has terribly stiff and sharp cuts and transitions, doesn't know what it's trying to say, and at the end it has the most bait-y sequel setup ever.

Never watch this movie. Ever. Avoid it at all costs. I have more to complain about, but I'm not going to say anything because I don't want to be super spoiler-y. In due time.

Fuck that movie. Jesus.

Okay, now that I got that out of the way! Please, use this thread to discuss everything cinema related.
Hey Im Jordan Member

Surpass Your Limits!

Status

Recent Statuses

Bio

Most Recent Posts
