Holy Soldier — Roleplayer Guild

Name: Chamber R. Wesson
Location: Logue Town - Guard Post - Headed to the Gun Shop
Mentions: Nose Ring

Turning Nose Ring into the guard post had been too easy, and he might had not believed it to be that simple until the Post Steward finished counting out his bounty. Just hearing every coin clink into the coin bag had put a smile on Chamber’s face.

I was expecting to have to fight a room full of thugs to get to this guy. It’s a good thing that there were some diversions in the area, the rifleman mused.

“There, 50,000 beli,” came the Post Steward. He slid the fat money purse across the counter and Chamber snatched it up, pressing the bag to his cheek as he nuzzled it like a kitten. “Don’t spend it all in one place.”

Shouldering his rifle, Chamber gave the fakest and the most heroic-sounding of laughs.

“Oh, I know where I’m going to spend this. Don’t you worry old man.”

Chamber left the post with a cheerful sway in his stride and head as though he had a cheerful tune in his head: Guns, grog, and wenches; guns, grog, and wenches; guns, grog, and wenches—WHAT! Guns grog, and wenches—OKAY!

It sounded like some modern rap song. It didn’t take much to make one now a days. He was heading straight for the Gun Store. He always made more money trading his old projects for fresh new materials and parts. Being a bounty hunter wore them down quick and so he was in the market for sturdier equipment.

Mario

Location: Toad Town - Streets
Mentions:@Kafka Komedy@Zardoric@Jensoman@tex@Filthy Mudblood@Lmpkio@Lugia

Ah, Mr. M-ah jesus…

Mario scowled over his shoulder and when he happened to look back, his blue eyes trailed over to the ethereal glowing figure of—

MAMA MIA! he mentally screamed. The plumber’s face went pale in horror, especially when he saw the shocked look on the sexy cosmic guardian bombshell! No! This wasn’t happening. She had seen too much and he hadn’t even been able to date her yet. If La Bandita had spoken further, her sultry words fell on deaf ears.

Mario’s grip tightened on his suspenders. His face had turned redder than his shirt—red with humiliation and strenuous effort. The shock of having seen Rosalina had nearly made him slip and there was no way that he was going to pass gas in front of her. Why, he would be ruined. All attempts at a date would be forever ignored. Why did this happen? He wanted to cry in his humiliation but he was too busy straining to hold back the flatulence that was tormenting his insides.

The plumber’s butt cheeks were clenched tight and he found it impossible to straighten out of his hunched over position. He was stuck and at the mercy of the pressure building in his bowels. He swore his intestines were about to burst! Cramps were pinching and twisting in his lower abdomen causing Mario to make the most disturbing of faces.

Townsfolk were running and he hoped that it wasn’t from the imminent threat he was about to unleash upon the town.

Teeth bared, lips twisted, and eyes shrunk to the size of beads, Mario growled out a warning from behind his teeth to Bon: “I…I can’t stop it!”

He started trembling. The pain! Alarms were going off inside him. Little engineers were running about in panic.

“The boiler is overheating! She’s about to explode!” one engineer screamed.

“Get everyone out of here!” the head engineer ordered.

“But what about you, Sir? You can come with us!”

The engineer stood dramatically before the bloated colon with his trusty wrench in hand.

“No son, someone has to remain and keep trying to cool her down.”

“But you’ll fail! He won’t be able to contain it for long!”

“There’s a chance that the pressure might release back up into the small intestines. I must try.”

“No! You can’t. You’ll die!”

“Go now!”

Another engineer came and snatched the boy, dragging him away kicking and screaming.

The fart was turning out to be bigger than he had expected. What was supposed to be a small stink bomb to force the bandit into submission was turning into a biological nightmare!

Come on Mario! You can fight this! You’re the Hero of the Mushroom Kingdom! his conscience cheered.

Frowning deeply, Mario’s every muscle locked up tight as a look of determination masked his face.

“Must…contain,” he rasped and bowed his head as his whole body started to tremble. Why Rosalina? Why did you have to show up at this moment!?

As guards and townsfolk continued to run, Mario secretly wept. He figured that they were running from him. Was his ass really that horrifying? The Goblins and Octoroks reached Koopy’s stone prison and some hopped on top of it while others scurried around it. What abruptly halted their advance was the sight of a pale, sun-deprived ass aimed in their direction. The enemies stared confused, disturbed, and maybe a little angry but definitely speechless! What the hell was going on?

Mario peered over his shoulder with tears shining in his eyes that immediately dried up upon seeing the enemy soldiers. He blinked and then grinned wickedly. That had explained everything.

“Oh, if that’s the case. Try not to cook in there, Stickyfingers (Bon)!”

A hand went into his pocket to grasp a fire flower. Drawing a burning fist out of his pocket, he brought it behind his rear.

“FIRE IN THE HOLE!”

The gas escaped him on a thin, whiny squeal that all but went silent in no less than three seconds. Mario’s eyes widened in surprise.

What? That was it? he pondered. 

The Goblins blinked and then sneered.

He then blushed. “I swear I thought it was gonna be worse than—”

The pressure then released, exploding from his asshole to ignite the fire flower. The gas expanded into a cone-like inferno. The incinerating wave of scorching fire and putrid stench swept up the Goblins and Octoroks, throwing them from atop and around the stone prison. Mario’s insides quaked from the flatulence’s decibels. The gas attack ended on a harmless drawn out squeal. The relief that had washed over Mario’s body brought him to his knees as a smile curled on his face.

“Mama mia…” he rasped before he collapsed forward onto his face.

Everything caught in the cone-like blast radius of his explosive flatulence had been charred black and smoke was rising into the air. Around him, the aftermath of the blast was heard.

One goblin smacked his lips. “Argh! It’s in my mouth!”

One Octorok started spraying ink from the smell, which might have actually been vomit.

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