This version I would say is more solid than the previous one. It keeps its focus on Sam which is good but there are still some problems I find. You're using what me and some of my friends refer to as the "Deep End" approach to an intro. Effectively it means that the reader is dumped into the world of the story without understanding of how that world functions and over the course of the first chapter or so the details are spooled out in how the characters talk, interact and the descriptions of the setting. When done well this approach produces incredibly immersive worlds.
The key to that kind of intro is knowing how much to share and how much to keep back, when to give information and when to assume your audience isn't stupid. On this front you're a little bit rocky. For instance, you reveal that the boy is pyrokinetic using phrasing that suggest this is not an uncommon occurrence. From this the audience will assume that this must be a world where part of the population are meta humans. Following that though you blow a sentence on entirely pointless information.
The psychiatrist had called it "pyrokinetics" or something reminiscent of that phrase.
This not only is completely unnecessary but it makes your main character look a bit incompetent. If I were to ask a random person on the street what Pyrokinetic means eight out of ten people would be able to answer correctly. So if the majority of people reading this are like "pyrokinetic, yeah he can control fire" the fact that
your character is only sort of aware of the word's meaning will make people think he's a little bit stupid.
The next problem is the report Sam is writing down.
"A call went up around an 13:30 reporting a burning building. An older lady who lived across the street from the building.
13:45 - a young boy was found in the wreckage of a burning building. The first to arrive on the scene observed him keeping the heat away from himself using some sort of supernatural ability. Firefighters carefully moved the boy, letting paramedics on scene treat him as best they could. Unfortunately an order from the FBI prevented them from bringing anyone with supposed supernatural powers from being treated at a normal hospital.
14:00 - Soon after being treated the FBI showed up and began questioning the boy. Though nothing has been disclosed officially by the FBI (and probably won't be) a firefighter heard them discussing the burned down building. Not ground breaking in the least.
14:20 - The FBI radioed for and received backup as well as transport for the boy. Armed soldiers showed up and escorted the boy to the police station in a armored vehicle. Despite his wounds. This kind of treatment of suspects is very inhumane, and calls for a review of how these people are being treated."
This isn't a bad way of revealing information but you have to remember one thing, Sam is not aware of the reader which means that you can't have him write down something for the sake of the reader that otherwise would be obvious. For instance the note about an FBI order preventing meta humans from getting treatment at regular hospitals would to a police detective be common knowledge. Having him write it down like that becomes sort of clunky. It would be like if I was writing a science paper on the various types of clouds and made a note of the fact that the sky is blue. It is information that while relevant should be too obvious a thing for the detective to make a physical note of.
I was wondering. He writes this whole thing down on his notepad. Is this an official report to be submitted to his boss or his own personal notes? If it is an official report a number of things about it seem rather off, like mentioning the rough treatment of the prisoner or the note about the hospitals. If it is for his personal notes then it is far too orderly a lengthy. If he is taking notes for himself they should be short concise bullet points, if he is filling about a report they should be detailed but relate only to the facts of the case and nothing more.
I'm going to once again bring up the subject of the 'occurrences'.
Sam nodded slowly, his frown lingering. "So the kid is a liar, on at least one count. Everyone gets 'occurrences' or 'visions' when they get their powers, whatever they really are. We know this pretty well from multiple sources, not least of which the Doc. He isn't an exception; he is probably fibbing as much as he can, as if it will save him. Every police station we know of got the same briefing. Occurrences seem to be tied with how people get their powers. Strange visions, that other people with powers can see if they're nearby." A long sigh left Sam's lips, as he glanced in the direction the boy had disappeared to. "You gonna talk to him? Or are you gonna make me do it?"
Firstly much like the report the introduction of the occurrences is very clunky. Presumably this precinct has dealt with metas quite often based on how Sam talks about his work nowadays. Which means that what an occurrence is should be common knowledge. There shouldn't be a need for Sam to define what they are if they are so integral to the meta power gaining process. It would be like if a cop in the middle of a briefing took a couple sentences to define what "motive" is. It would just seem strange.
With regards to this paragraph I have a number of questions. Someone had the chance to question the boy and what they asked was "when you got your powers did strange visions accompany them?" and not "did you burn your parents house to the ground killing both of them even accidentally?" If he has yet to be formally questioned or put through booking it seems to mean that whether or not he saw visions when he got his powers would be the last priority of the police. It is more important to find out if he is the culprit or if there is an arsonist still on the loose.
The next question I have is why? The occurrences from my best guesses are one step in the process of someone getting their powers. That's fine but why are they relevant? Why would it matter if the boy say strange sights before he got his powers? It's not like it would change his predicament and from what I can tell the occurrences stop so it isn't as though the metas are all delusional after getting their abilities. It seems like an insignificant detail. Like if before getting superpowers someone suffers pain in their right elbow. Sure that can be a thing, not really important but it can be a thing. In this case though it would be like if that were the case and the first things the cops ask a meta they bring in is "Did you get a pain in your right elbow? I know you did boy, you can't lie to me. Admit that your elbow hurt when you got your powers. Admit it!" What's the point? It won't make a difference after the fact and I can't imagine it would help in any way with apprehending a meta unless the meta was going through it at the time. And in fact the only way that would be truly relevant is in a court trial the meta could be held NCR "Not Criminally Responsible" if they were to hurt someone in that state.
How can the police prove that these occurrences happen 100% of the time with ever meta of every power at every age? Why is this 'Doc' such an expert that referring to his thoughts on the matter seems to refute all other argument? Why couldn't the boy be an exception to the "everyone gets visions" rule? Is it really so set in stone and so researched that it is a concrete impossibility that he might have gotten his powers without an occurrences? More importantly why would he lie about such a thing? Sam says "he is probably fibbing as much as he can, as if it will save him." Why would lying about these visions save him? They already have proof that he's a pryo so what relevance do the visions hold?
My last note is about your characters. Specifically Sam as he is the one that is given the most focus. He seems kind of bland. He's an old school police detective, his clothes are a bit shabby and he liked working as a cop before metas were a problem. That's really all that we know. Past that he is the exposition mobile and nothing more. Try to write from inside his head a little bit more. When you talk about how the treatment of the prisoner was inhumane at the end of the notes say something about how that makes Sam feel. Is he upset on the prisoner's behalf? Sympathetic to their pain? Annoyed that the law is being bent by fellow law enforcement? Enjoying seeing someone in pain? Give the reader something to work with. An appearance wouldn't be a bad idea either. We get more information on what the boy looks like than Sam. Is Sam black? White? Tall? Short? Fat? Skinny? Mid fifties? Early twenties? Eye color? Hair color? Pretty much anything would be a boon to the story telling process. Right now I have an image of a middle aged man, his hair just starting to turn grey who still remembers the golden years of police work that are now behind him.
You've got a good start here but in your rush to tell the story you are forgetting all of the little things that make the story worth reading.
Member
Apollosarcher,
shylarah