PlatinumSkink — Roleplayer Guild

Replies to the reviews.

Agreed on the comments already made upon your work. I like reading a lengthy entry. Proof of that can be seen in the winner of the first RPGC. As was said, you had a problem with making your story flow. Before I get into the meat of this, I will take a look at technical issues that might help.

I will keep getting on top of you about ellipses. I've had to do it to myself. I've loved them before but oftentimes upon a second look at my work I used them incorrectly or they were just not necessary. Hey, you can use them or not use them. That's up to you. The more important technical note is the large block paragraphs. Breaking it up more carefully based on specific details might help. The sentence structure in itself might have explained why this dragged on. AND it should not have dragged on considering the fascinating and fun story that had a lot of cool action inside of it.

And off of the technical issues, we'll see why it dragged. At least, in my opinion why it struggled to get going and gather steam. The biggest issue was exposition. You spent a lot of time and a lot of words TELLING me who these characters were and why they were doing what they were doing. I wanted to see it. I didn't feel a connection to the students that were trained by the main character. I didn't feel her passion except the exposition of her thoughts and events I never got to see/feel/hear, etc. You seemed distracted by the backstory. Perhaps the backstory was too grand for this entry, or you could have had some action sequences with dialogue where I could get a grasp of her relationship with these students and the captured girl who she switched bodies with. And I think you can make that connection with some short scenes that connect us on a human level with Eima. 

I'm going to use this quote here:

<Snipped quote>

What if you wrote that as this: "Ayuna stood silent as the man abused her friend. Hatred bubbling (note: or bubbled) up in her eyes as her fingers clenched around her gun. This had to end, now."

Not perfect, but that's an example. From there the urgency is inherent from her reaction. The whole scene felt very passive in sentence structure, and a lot of telling happened. She was supposed to feel urgency, but this is ineffective if I did not feel the same urgency from that sequence. Watch out for the passive voice. Also watch out for using too many -ING's (starING, strikING) within your sentences. I'm not saying you can't use them. They're necessary but are better when they compliment the pacing of your sentences. From my view, too many "-ED" endings can feel choppy. And too many "-ING" endings can do the same thing. 

You could have established things earlier within the writing as to who you were referring to. The clearing up of confusion within the story was out of place and took me out of the story. Either make a note of that in the beginning or use your writing skills to establish that within the entry.

That's what I've got for you. I think you have something really friggin' awesome here if you work on structure, phrasing, and the problems of exposition. Exposition is part of writing, and has its uses but should be placed in where it fits rather than taking over the story. Action and character should take over the story rather than the telling of it. But most of us already know that so I'll stop hammering that point into the ground. You have a super anime style of story here in its feel, AND I LOVE THAT. The powers were awesome. People jumping hundreds of feet into the air is a lot of fun. The threads of fate power was a nice twist and a power that I dug completely. Awesomeness, really.

Tons of potential here. Just gotta tap it by putting in the work, and judging by the length I don't think you'll have a problem with the work.@Dark Wind
... Heh. Alright, thanks for reviewing. As for the ellipses, they stay. And yes, I've been told the paragraphs are too big, despite me thinking they're about right. Guess my "about right" needs some rethinking.

I was using a favorite character from an already established setting. That thing all the students was done was the actual roleplay, and I could hardly write all that over. I settled for compressing it all letting it all lie in the beginning, and intended to let the rest be filled with the actual actions except for when people were thinking back to the past. Guess that didn't work. Not sure what I could have done to balance that. Bringing up backstory in the midst of action felt like it would become even more wrong.

Ayuna doesn't feel hatred. She's way too desperate, worried and sadness-oriented for that. She feels despair instead. XD ... While I kind of see what you mean, I'm somewhat unsure. ... But I suppose I could keep it in mind. ... INGs, huh. ... ... ... Heh.

I didn't feel a need to tell earlier who I was referring to. I had put a very telling "Ayuna (really Eima in Ayuna's body)" directly after the exposition which should have cleared that up. It should have turned confusing first when Eima (Ayuna in Eima's body) showed up, which she hadn't until that point. How one could get confused before that point confuses me. Then again, I suppose I can see the issue with clearing something up mid-text. ... Oh, well.

Heh. Yeah, the roleplay was inspired by anime but created in its own world without being based on any specific anime. Thanks for liking the world. Now I'll just... rethink things. Hah. Alright, then.

I um.... well, look. You're doing the important part, namely, writing your butt off. Keep doing that and everything else will follow. The plot is interesting, and the twists are meaningful. The action is exciting. All that to say, your heart's clearly in the right place, and that's worth emphasizing. 

However.

The writing is supremely confusing. Good news! The doctor prescribes more writing -- that's medicine you can enjoy. It's easier to work on this when you're writing smaller stories -- not the length, so much, you can write books if you want, but the scope. If writing about a parallel-universe Elma possessing a regular-universe Ayuna fighting in regular-universe against parallel people using Aither/ether/ayther from other universe to bend natural universe laws is confusing (hint: IT IS), then start with a simpler idea and nail it. This story would've been equally interesting if it was set in Camelot, with wizards and knights and thieves. It also would've been way easier for a reader to follow. 

On longer pieces -- correct me if I'm wrong, but this seemed like a stream-of-consciousness style of writing -- you start with a character in a location, with a pretty good idea of what's going to happen, and then come up with each specific step as you go along. A lot of really good writers approach it that way -- nothing wrong at all with inventing the details as you go along. If that gets confusing, it's generally a sign that you should try outlining first, to better organize the piece. How much you spell out, and how you do it -- that's up to you. But adding some regimented structure early in the process can help clean up the finished product. In this story, I might've set aside some room at the beginning to establish the world (maybe Elma talks to the students from the school and they collectively explain the two worlds to the readers, before the action starts). Maybe lay out, okay, she's going to assault this city on her own and I want to spend this many paragraphs on the infiltration, and this many in the cell. Frankly I don't know what your outline should consist of, or what it should look like, or how long you should spend on it -- but it's worth it for you to google some techniques and try them out on your own. Possibly, if you've got one available, talk to an english teacher/professor about different methods of organizing your thoughts over such a long effort (bonus: they'll give you an A for showing interest). 

@Caughtintheriddle offered some tips already about sentence structure and tone, and that's why I'm sorta glossing over those aspects. Again, these things are easier to work on (and less traumatic, should you be corrected again) when you're dealing with smaller stories. Gotta learn how to paint a tree before you can paint a forest, and all that. My feeling is, you should try giving yourself one or two pages, and holding yourself to that -- but I don't matter and you should write what you want, can't emphasize that enough. You can get into a situation where you're putting in all this tremendous effort and people struggle with it, and it becomes discouraging -- and that might bum you out enough to stop loving this art form. I don't like that. I want you to write forever. 

Anyway. Easy A for effort, and conceptually, it's incredible. It's just the technique that needs work.@mdk
Thanks for reviewing. 

Well, heh, I didn't really have a choice in the setting to use. I was to use my favorite character, and, yeah, that's the world she inhabits. It is kind of complicated. ... Though I am kind of troubled that it got that confusing. I thought I did a pretty good job describing it. ... Guess not.

Hm. If by "with a pretty good idea of what's going to happen" you mean that I started with a blank page, knew exactly what was going to happen but didn't know how many pages would need to describe it, then yes, that's the way I did. ... Hm. Alright, then. I'll consider that method. ... Heh.

... She did?

Writing a (satisfactory) story on two pages is absolutely impossible. I know that isn't the case, but that's what I feel right now. XD

... Heh. Thanks for your encouragement. I'll... try to, not really sure how but I'll try to. Thanks.

Who are these mythical elitist GMs and why did I never meet them? I feel left out.

You should be fine, personally as a GM I don't even read bios, I read the important bits. Magic, equipment, personalities. and skills. and as a character creator, I pepper in the bio in the other bits. 

f bios, basically.@Rilla

Wha- People put their heart and soul into writing those bios! As a GM, it is the duty of the one they are giving their characters for inspection to read through everything and make sure it checks out, and if it does give them some praise and a healthy pat on the back!

... Then again, for you to be able to say that, I suppose you don't exactly GM story-driven roleplays. Suppose it might work then. 

*notices that it is Rilla I'm replying to* ... Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I suppose the bios you get for the most part are waaaay too into detail and don't exactly contribute to anything at all, not to mention you've possibly seen way more sheets than most other GMs around here might see, so I suppose that works in those circumstances. ... My words apply to everyone else, though. Especially in Advanced. ... ESPECIALLY in Advanced. Don't skimp on the bios! ... Haha.

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