@Harbringer Got it, that is entirely fine. I'll make adjustments as needed. Teh-heh. Nicely posted, we really feel the forces at work here... Haha.
@Lionheart Nicely posted, too. Alright, then. In Fire Emblem, you usually can't actually fly over enemies, but let's give logic a go, here. XD
@Eklispe Actually, I injured Lexa a little earlier as soon as I got command of her. Just because.
@Penultimate_Pi@Apollosarcher So, when can you post? Well, @Penultimate_Pi doesn't actually need post if things are complicated right now unless he desires to and help out, I mean, players are supposed to be playing, but @Apollosarcher is kind of more important as Marwood is in the midst of action right now. Haha.
I will say, I am very curious to see what these entries have made of the labour. Since it was so much up to interpretation what the labour actually means.
… Hm. Yeah, that’s a direct result of gaining too esteemed a position. Though, could it really be called “Ultimate” if there isn’t even the power to stop such things? Then again, it IS the most powerful power that probably exists in that world, and hence would be the “ultimate”… … … Heh.
Well done writing, I believe. The story itself tells a story, but doesn’t have much emotions stored into it, which would perhaps be expected by a pair of formal letters. I am unsure what the maker of this had in mind, but I’d say that probably works. I’m unsure. It is probably the first thing anyone would think of when confronted with the current challenge. We’ll see.
So, I’m not particularly impressed by the story, but I don’t think you counted on it to be impressing, and I think it does the job that was displayed in a way, so good job.
Oh, hi, you. You really like this setting, huh. Heh.
I'm not all that impressed by this. Yeah, he gained too much power and blew up, and then his brother shows up and come up with a solution. This rid his powers for a while, and now they're like that. Hm, I wonder if I've become jaded? In any case, yeah. You did what the story informed you to do and it worked out. Nicely enough done. I didn't feel any emotions throughout the piece, not after it either, suppose it did its job. Suppose that's enough. Heh.
... Hm. I have a bit of a problem with this. I mean, this is excellently written, you're pretty great at building this world for me and I am seriously confused as to if this was a character that already existed or if he was created along with the entry. Very well done. However, with regards to the labour, which I feel kind of forced to think from...
... He was unlucky. ... Or just supremely lucky at all other times. He defied the ancient superstitions by charting maps about the more threatening places in the world, I can get behind that. But... when we say "too much of a good thing", what are we talking about? His curiosity, or the amount of supposedly haunted places he visited? Either way, the end result is not a direct result. What happened was a result of someone who didn't believe in spirits venturing in to disprove them finding out they're real, essentially. Charting places people thought impassable due to unfortunate circumstances or dangers. There was nothing hinting that spirits would suddenly turn out to be real. He has an encyclopedias worth of proof that everyone's just scared, can we truly blame his curiosity for venturing into a forest? What he had too much of is actually experience. ... Eh, maybe that qualifies too. Hah. The story is excellently written, by the way. Wonderful portrayal of the character and the world. Very relatable. Thanks for writing. That's about that.
... Well done. That efficiently turned my stomach. Too much of a good thing... Yeah, I believe that 's an accurate description of what just happened. There was a lot of sentimentality surrounding this piece, and it stirred a considerable amount of emotions. With the labour being what it is, what was going to happen was obvious, but the entry managed to maintain the state regardless. Flawless. Well done, sir. Well done.
Uh. So, uh... You very successfully built a mysterious atmosphere. This almost feels more vague than the first Blazblue game, and that was VAGUE. So... well, the atmosphere was pretty nicely done. It got a little bit boring for a while there, but the ending sure threw everything on fire. But, that said, this is quite clearly not the entire story. And, quite frankly, this doesn't quite stand on its own. I'm left confused, and you already know I am. In any case, um...
Too much of what? Knowledge? But... we didn't learn anything! ... And nothing bad really happened to anyone we learned about. Um. I quite frankly don't understand, which makes me wonder if I'm being an idiot. Oh, well.
Ah, uh... The labour was about "too much of a good thing"... But, uh... That's not good no matter how you cut it. That's bad. Extremely irreparably bad that will forever leave a bad mark on their history. It is only good in a certain jaded and twisted manner of perspective that is false no matter how you look at it. Though, suppose you took that extremely bad thing, and then went "too much" with that, instead. Which became extreme, and the writing well conveyed the extremely jaded individual perception along with the story. I'm just happy I'm not the judge for this because I'd have no idea how to judge this, because I can't call that a "good thing" no matter what I do, hence it couldn't possibly be "too much of a good thing". That's about that.
... Hah. ... Too much telepathy, eh? Suppose that's one way to do it. I'd like to praise your sweeter scenes and the reveal scene. Those were pretty well-done. I know those were just introductory scenes for the thing that the entire labour is about, but I think they were more well done. They felt natural. The bad things... kind of just happened. I couldn't see a clear connection between the different stages of his negative transformation, nor did I get the feeling that he was particularly abusing his telepathic abilities. Felt more like it would have happened sooner or later regardless. Since I have a significant lack of understanding of how things happened, like how did she sense that he was in her mind and why he lost control, I'll just settle for saying- Well written! XD
And my response to what happened to my own entry...
... *sigh*
I honestly did not consider the epilogue part of the labour. It was a cleanup. I went for it in the aspect that he desired a good battle, but he got too much of a battle, tiring himself out which would eventually kill him. The only reason he did not die was because of the prince's own volition, otherwise his life would have been over. The labour part of the entry ended with his consciousness. But I suppose "could have died" is not sufficient. Had I killed him instead, would that have accomplished the labour? ... I think we can agree, however, that killing him would have made a much more pointless and therefore efficiently worse story. XD
"Lost nothing" is somewhat incorrect, he has lost his freedom and, eh, not enough, I suppose. It isn't exactly a reward, either, it is more of a "we have use of someone of your capability, how does this deal in which we don't immediately execute you sound?". Eh, that's about what I have on that. Suppose my entire choice of story was fundamentally flawed. Wonder what I could have picked that would have worked? I sincerely have no idea, right now.
I had this other idea of a witch of mine getting ultimate power, but in her ultimate boredom of having achieved everything she created an ultimate opponent that she lost control of which wiped out existence. I decided to scratch that because the opponent was a direct result of her actions because she was bored rather than her gaining too much power, and decided that wouldn't pass.
I had another idea where a warrior from the same world as my entry to the previous labour suddenly had all her problems (quite many and complex) solved overnight, which led to her completely disbelieving her fortune, believing she must be trapped in an illusion and therefore went mad and killed some people important to her thinking this was too good to be true, resulting instead in that when she realized that this was actually all real that she had ruined the fortune she had, forever, and now it would be too late to take it back and enjoy said fortune. ... I discarded that because... well, the one I now wrote sounded better, it was less advanced and would be easier for readers to understand. Less to explain. Wonder if that one had passed? I think it felt wrong that she didn't really have too much of a good thing, she just didn't take it well. Oh, well...
... "Omission of information"? Excuse me, what do you believe I use ellipses for? They don't omit information, they indicate pauses, hesitation, unsurety, slight delays, fading volume of tone and the like. I don't abuse ellipses, I use them. They're useful for efficiently conveying of the atmosphere and people's emotional state. Oh, well. In any case. I have no idea who Karel is. Still, thanks for praising the story and conveyed the things. Suppose I can still take the pride of having wrote something decent. Unless that's just you. Haha.
The problem I have with this submission is that nothing really happens, or at least nothing "on the page". For instance, the protagonist, Effraye, does rally the refugees to go fight, but we do not see this happening. We only see the end result or a short description. I cannot claim that the protagonist was useless to the plot (as his efforts helped turn the tide of the battle, but we don't see the how he did it. That's my gripe with it.
Actions... take a lot of words. I specifically constructed this entry to be as short as I could make it. That has consequences. I ruled that the words that drove everything into being were more important, so they stayed. Now, would the story have been better had I excluded the scenes that now are in and included all the actions? ... It would probably still be a story, quite a lot more exciting a story, but not the story I intended to tell! XD ... That's a kind of amusing thought, really. ... Heh.
Fits the theme nicely. The choice of the protagonist being hit by an arrow only makes his individual powerlessness more obvious. The final section feels a bit unfinished. The story could have benefited from more details on the various characters and on the various nations. Perhaps also a bit more detail on how the battle was turned beyond being provided a new element of chaos.
The final section feels unfinished...? ... Hm. What would you say it is missing? I'm curious because I feel it is rather complete. And yes, a few more details would probably have benefited, but it would also have been drawn out more. I currently decided to make this as short as I could to examine the effect, and I acknowledge that it could probably have been more detailed, but I like how it became. Thank you very much for saying that it fit. I feel kind of proud of that. Tihi.
I like the plot a whole awful lot. But my favorite thing is the characters – Marta especially, and Conifant too, although he doesn’t have *quite* enough time to really shine. Everything adds up tactically and the planning effort on your end hasn’t gone unnoticed. In short, the structure of this story is fantastic. Something you could do better (says an idiot on the internet) is, this whole narrative is really only about Effraye. No one does anything unless it specifically involves him, even if they’re a king or a knight or an enemy general. Not that we really need to be interested in what those other blokes ate for breakfast or anything, but the story becomes exponentially more deep when there’s another agenda added. That’s actually what the word “intrigue” means – two motivations squaring off. It’s hard to be intriguing with no intrigue, right? You certainly don’t have to go full Game of Thrones on your stories – especially short stories. That would do more harm than good. Something as simple as showing us why the king is upset would instantly add a layer of depth to the whole narrative and put Effraye’s actions into context. Which makes them more significant, which makes the story more interesting, which makes it better, right? Of course that’s easier said than done – the doing probably involves a lot of boring exposition. But that’s the art. Anyway Effraye’s journey here makes a great story. We actually tossed aside a bonus category called “Magikarp,” and I wish we’d kept it – Effraye the uselessly splashing fish out of water just saved his country, and it would’ve been perfect. Very clever take on the theme, well done!
Yeah, Confiant was one (out of quite a few actually) characters that I decided to cut, but then while writing I actually decided I had a use for him, hence why he had such a passing role. I'm glad, and honestly surprised, he managed to leave a positive impact despite this. Haha. And yepp, I tried out the structuring which you suggested. I am happy that this paid off. Ah, yes, I could have made it about more than Effraye, but that would have made the story longer and I decided it was unnecessary for the short story I intended to get across. I do realize I could have made it deeper, but as of this entry I wanted to keep it simple. Thank you, anyways. Teh-heh, I'll consider him the unofficial winner of the Magikarp bonus category, then. Thank you very much, mdk~! ;)
> B- Reading this entry, it feels like all the important bits, the moments of conflict and tension, were left out. We don't get to see Effraye's efforts, nor the battle, and his initial rejection is only barely touched upon. Instead, we seem to focus on some short, very to-the-point conversations.
In addition, the narrative jumped about temporally a couple times—in particular when it mentioned Effraye's revolution after the results of it had already been announced. It feels a little jumbled about. I guess I also have some trouble with it because I'm personally not fond of the dialogue—in a dialogue-heavy entry—which feels like it is rambling about and far more vibrant and playful than the situation calls for.
I have little else to say, sorry. The story was good, but didn't feel like it progressed smoothly.
@PlatinumSkink, author of Little Me. You are gtting better with the ellipses! The dialogue is of a somewhat similar nature to the previous entry—really pushing out and vibrant, though less rant-y than the last time, which is good.
Yay! I got a B~! *bounces in happiness* (B-, but I count that as B! XD)
Actually, I feel the bits I included are the important bits. What's important is not what he's doing, but how we know that he came to the decision of what to do and what this resulted in. I feel the origin and the result of an action is more important than the action itself, even if reading the action might be a lot more exciting. To-the-point conversations helped keep the entry short, which was my mission.
I'm not entirely sure how you mean the narrative jumped about and how it felt jumbled. ... Heh. The dialogue felt vibrant and playful, eh? Well... that's actually the atmosphere I had in mind when I wrote it. Oh, and whenever Marta is there, you can be sure the atmosphere automatically gets softer, because that's the kind of character she is. Not sure how to fix the "rambling about" part, but in any case. Thanks~
I'm getting better with ellipses? ... Alright, then~! Are you sure that's not just a coincidence because I was writing an entry that required less ellipses? Hahaha. Thanks, anyway~
King of the Hill -- Perhaps ironically, 'Powerless' by @PlatinumSkink swept the category. We loved the compelling story of a nothing-sized kid rising to the challenge and seizing (perhaps short-lived) power on the battlefield -- enough to rival his own king's commands! Several others were considered for this category but I can't possibly name you all -- regardless, good job to the lot of you.
... King of the Hill? ... Uuuuh, you sure my entry fits the... I guess it technically does. I mean, there weren't any challengers with names, but... ... ... Well, in any case. Thanks for the honour~! Haha.
@71342 I didn't say I'm not excited. I just avoid all manners of trailers and other things so I can get as pure an experience as I possibly can when I actually get the game.
And that's entirely fine. I'll look forward to it~
@Lightning Fast Verthy vell, then~! We'll do it lightning fast~!
Edit: That's a joke using your name because you said to do it quickly, but now I edit three hours later to remind that was just a joke and you can do it in any speed which you are comfortable with, so take all the time you need if you happen to need more time than what 'quickly' implies. That's about that.
I've posted. As usual, inform me if there's any inconsistencies of problems or anything else, feel free to discuss what you'll be doing next if you feel like, and generally just do what you want to have fun.
And the first boss isn't going down quite THAT easily, I hope you can understand, Marwood. XD
@Lightning Fast It would seem the one you've been playing with is not responding to my messages. Would you like the adventure to continue there without him or do you want to be included in the main thing as quickly as possible? Teh-heh.
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