@WiseDragonGirl A vice to me is an immoral character trait that clearly deviates from the path of a paragon. There is the fact that he, while wealthy, didn't for a single second consider allowing his poor friend to collect the reward which they believed to be treasure when it was revealed to only be granted to one person, it felt like anyway. Well, maybe the friend still would have gotten his share of coins should that part be delivered upon, but the Bardug distinctly said "no sharing", so that's what I went with. That, and he didn't seem to mind the way this game could have taken people's lives for such a silly purpose, even if that thought said he didn't agree with it. He's acting on boredom, which might not necessarily be a vice, but the individual himself felt really fickle.
That's my impression of it, which may or may not be accurate to Terminal's view.
I decided to go full extreme with my entry, to the degree that I wonder if perhaps I went too far and will fail due to that he didn't seem tempted enough to abandon his ally. You're on the opposite end, yeah.
Still, I like him. He if anything in your entry was quite enjoyable. Especially with his reactions to that. Such characters are always so distinctly interesting in some form of way. Haha. I don't really understand why, but yes. The only question is where the line goes where you're "vice-less", yeah. We'll hear in not too long, I imagine.
@mdk Ooooh. Alright. I see. Yeah, then I get it. Bit hard to see without the pointer, but yes. I see it. Heh. That makes it kind of amusing, actually. Nicely done.
Reviews from someone with absolutely no power. Here’s what I think. I apologize in advance for any offense these reviews or my entry might do to those who read it, should that be the case. In any case. It does appear that only veterans wrote for this time, soooooooooooo well, there is somewhat of a lack of people who probably actually need my input on anything since most here was top-notch anyway, but here it is regardless! XD
Alright! Firstly, I’ll state that the only franchise of these I know is Madoka. All the other references, except the Michael Bay one, is totally beyond me. Also, Nicholas is alive? Could have fooled me, his name isn’t anywhere in the story. Unless specifically told to be a sequel, I’ll always assume anything is its own stand-alone story. And this… was quite vague. Haha.
Two people in a world I barely got explained to me suddenly used their fantastic power to battle it out due to their diverging intentions. I’ll have to say, you get the mystic part straight-on. If we were supposed to be intrigued while not understanding anything, then you did it really well. I’m a little worried I’ll find all entries being a direct clash between two now that take place in exactly the same way. Pretty well pulled off, it just flowed well in some really odd way and I barely understood anything while simultaneously understanding everything. This is a very odd combo, and I applaud you for achieving it. Hahaha.
I’m a little bit confused on one point, though, completely besides being confused by everything in the entire setting. The Challenge has us either leaving our allies behind and succeeding, or failing to do so and having them claim it instead. As far as I can see, he intends to leave his ally behind, and… fails? Did he hesitate somewhere which brought his loss? Oh, well. Maybe Terminal reads some other version than I did. Regardless, fantastically written. And I mean fantastically such as magical. Haha.
… Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii’d… question the lack of vices in this character, but eh. XD
It’s rather nicely written. I do feel that the world is quite very much a mystery to me, but suppose I learned as much as I needed. While most of the entry was rather dull in itself, the treasure hunt itself and the way he needed a musician to get there and the way only one was simply allowed to go on and how quickly he discarded his friend felt a bit customized to fit the challenge rather than customized to fit the story. Oh, yeah, you were the one who argued to me that the goal was to clear the labour and I could therefore go with a boring story, eh? I clearly see how you were thinking. XD
Though the twist was by far the most interesting part of this. I was positively surprised. The way the character suddenly rose to the challenge, becoming interested solely due to the way she was seeking is very interesting to me, and it fit so well with that there in fact could only be one person who could claim the price. It made sense, and I always love it when things make sense. The entire labour made sense in this ending, and I love when that happens. I’d honestly have been interested in, for example, seeing an anime where this was the first episode and the rest is just the two of them trying each other out, both bored before they found someone of a similar mindset in games and learn more about each other and such. Hahahaha. … So, I liked it because of the potential for development? Sure, I can go with that. I liked the finish, which leaves me with a positive impact overall for this entry. Nicely done!
… Ooooooooooooh. So an Iron CAN pick up a Silver bracelet, but that means he becomes Silver himself and can therefore no longer consider himself an ally of all Irons. That… that’s interesting. I like it. It’s a temptation, which definitely gets stronger the closer to the end they might come. And in fact, if they don’t take the Silver bracelet, another Silver might come along and claim it from the dead body that the Irons killed. Hah. I get it. … Ooooh. I just read through The Challenge again. Unable to kill a Silver by himself, but after that only one can claim the Silver band, and then must leave his allies behind…
It feels new. This obviously isn’t the whole story, but know that I like it. Well done. Now we’ll see what Terminal thinks.
Alright, the longest by far. Now let’s see what I thought of it.
Wonderfully written. The fact that you’re actually having this be a recounting of the events that is written down by someone obviously immediately lifts any requirements for perfect tense and such, but regardless of how clever I thought that was you wouldn’t need such a thing for that, anyway, would you? Haha. Furthermore, the fact that you could use information in the real world for something like this… I might be reading way too little real information, I can only marvel at those who use their knowledge for things like this while all my writing comes from the plethora of fictional stories I’ve read, so I might be lacking in real knowledge and could never write such a thing. You, though, seem to pull it off quite well, here. Nicely done.
I am curious, though. Where in the story did Cole have an opportunity to leave his allies behind? Was it when he was offered to help Roerich? I mean, yeah, the item was obviously picked up by someone that wasn’t him, so that would mean by the definition of the labour that his ally got it. But, that should only happen if the main character failed to leave his ally behind… um… Did I look at the rules too intensely or did I just miss something? Oh, well. It is a really nicely written entry regardless. While I didn’t get particularly excited by the story, nor very attached to the characters probably partly due to how the story was told from the perspective of someone writing it down after it had all had already happened, it was really interesting and I can say I like it. Thanks for the effort. Haha.
I proofread mine thrice. I guarantee, next time someone reads it, be it me or someone else, they'll find an error that I'll later be staring at and be like "How the **** did I miss this?". Yupp.
Edit: *read a bit in the end of own entry right after writing that* ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Damn.
@Terminal Maybe. I mean, it doesn't feel like a thoroughly appalling idea. I guess I'd just need to apologize to everyone who had to read it after, but I could do it. It's not something I'd enjoy doing, but if life was filled only with tasks I enjoyed doing, then my life would have been a really different place. My desire to complete the labour is strong, likely the stronger force in this case, so.
I have an idea that I believe completely achieves the goal of this labour. My problem is that it is, uh, extremely boring. It wouldn't be particularly entertaining to read, no matter how well I execute it. So now I'm going to partly consider if I can come up with a different idea as well as consider my morals behind writing stories. Like, writing a story I don't enjoy in order to complete a task, would I do that?
Haha. Yes, lesse. I wrote Dramatic Reveal. Thanks those who read it and liked it.
It is based on the idea that "What if, in one of those arch-typical story-driven RPGs, when you get to that mid-game enemy that was initially presented as the grand villain but he dramatically reveals to have been good all along when he explains himself... What if he was lying?" The story was written in a single, hurried, day because I had been busy, but I was still pretty proud of it.
Oh how an unimaginative title belies this work! Well written and in a world which felt rich, although I saw the twist coming I loved it all the same and while I will not spoil it for another who for whatever reason is skimming the reviews rather than reading (In which case, go read!), I will say that the delivery of it was good... One minor gripe though "Yo." This took me right out and made me laugh, but once I got over it, it didn't dull my desire to read the rest. Well done. 9/10
I am happy you liked it. I am amused that you saw the twist coming and enjoyed it regardless. As for your minor gripe, I do not regret it at all, real Embervi is such a casual dude that it felt totally fitting. XD
Jeez, you got me. Got me good. That might be the best lie so far….. I mean I’ll have to weigh it, but that was really well done.
THAT SAID! The story was great but the style wasn’t stellar – aspects were beyond great, I mean legitimately I thought I was reading a new Final Fantasy pitch for a while there. The world was great. The characters were (I think) exactly and concisely what you wanted them to be. My two gripes – and they’re sadly big – are Exposition and Repetition. Exposition makes sense – you had a whole lot of setup required by this particular lie, a certain amount was inevitable, and I wouldn’t begrudge a little bit of exposition to get to the point that much quicker. It was laced throughout the entire story though – we’d stop talking about the conversation for a minute to instead explain how all the party members came to join. And notably too – though this might’ve just been a brainfart by me – I had no idea magic was involved until you brought up the gods of magic. So like…. Given that lots of exposition was always going to be required, it seems like that should’ve been a bigger deal sooner. Repetition is a more obvious and thus simpler problem – things like “In its place, this took place” or saying ‘barrier’ four times in three sentences – easy to fix, just change up the language.
I’m being picky partly because it’s theoretically good for you in the long run, and partly because of how much I liked the story. You got my mind going a thousand miles an hour in one direction and then faked me out completely on the lie. Extremely impressed. Damn good job.
Yupp. This entry was written to look like the world of one of those JRPG worlds, so I am happy I got that down. For the part of you missing the magic, I did mention in the beginning that Embervi was wielding a magical staff, but I suppose I could have done some form of thing to introduce the existence of magic a little better. It was a fantasy world, after all. Haha. For the exposition... I did have a lot of information I wanted to get through. Three paragraphs felt enough for the start to get the reader into the story, then... oy, this is a story of exposition. I had a huge world to develop for a short story. I suppose I simply had too much information in this. I'll keep it in mind. As for the repetition... I was in a hurry, so I might have let a few of those through. Sorry about that. Haha. I'll keep it in mind for the future~ Thank you for reading~
I am very much happy that I managed to fool someone. I have one of every kind of the three most common reactions in three reviewers! I feel wonderful! Hahaha. Alright. Now to explain myself to Holmishire.
>B-
A little nitpick right from the get-go that threw me off. The first sentence is in present tense, yet all of the exposition and action that come afterwards is in the past. Insignificant, I know.
The first three paragraphs of exposition are bulky and something of a chore to push through. The information contained therein is necessary, but presenting it in one big dump is not the most exciting way to go about it. It makes it evident that this short story isn't really designed to be a short story, but instead a conclusion to a much larger story. There are ways of hinting at a greater plot past or future without making the short story itself any less powerful on its own. This would be a great part, but it shouldn't have to be.
That said, the bulk of the entry itself was good, with an interesting if at times somewhat underdeveloped cast.
The final twist, however, was disappointing for a few reasons. First, we weren't given much of a chance to connect with Embervi, so his betrayal didn't really hit any emotional chords. It was said that he was Artion's best friend, but it wasn't really shown—again, due to this being only part of the story. Second, Jiorn felt like a total loose end, with almost no development, his morality confusingly thrown about, and his twist being untwisted for no apparent reason in quick succession. Even Tytanios's apparent emotional turbulence upon sending away his lieutenant is brushed off as nothing—so what was the bitterness included for? And third, it was revealed through a casual conversation between two characters whose relationship with each other is hardly touched upon. Hardly dramatic. The twist itself was okay, but the presentation was lacking.
The first sentence should be present-tense. I mean, unless the story itself is destroyed, the story will still take place in that world. I can't say it "took" place in that world, since the story still exists. Of course, all the rest is what happened in that story, hence past tense. Did I get something incorrectly?
Everything in that world was designed for this short story. This entire story is about this meeting, the rest is just information I needed to make up for this story to make sense. There was no way I could have done it other than either informing the reader in the beginning or throwing all the information into their lines, somehow. Which I might have, but it felt wrong to send the reader directly into the encounter without an idea what was going on. Three paragraphs felt just enough. Two wouldn't have gotten enough info to the reader. Four would have become too much. Three felt like just enough.
Yeah, I didn't have too much room to develop them in the short time I had with them, haha. Thanks for saying they're interesting.
Embervi was never supposed to hit any emotional chords. The story was simply too short for that, so I settled on that the reader simply got to be aware of what was going on. Joirn I included because the trope of an enemy becoming an ally is common enough for me to include it, because it was interesting. Tytanios brief bitterness about it is because, well, he's human and therefore felt just a tinge of regret about sending a chap he slightly liked to his death, but nothing more to it. It just made sense from the character as I created him. And yes, the final conversation was made to be as anti-dramatic as possible. This was to represent how we no longer were on the field of telling a dramatic story, but simply the backstage where the two who prepared the epic reveal talk about what they just did as casually and naturally as possible. Yupp, that's about that. I do see what you're saying, but I never really went out with the intention of making it like you're describing that it could be. And I'm... kind of fine with that. I only had a day to write it when I finally decided to. Thanks for critiquing.
Now for something completely different.
<Snipped quote by PlatinumSkink> /me hides somewhat in shame
I'll be entirely honest, mate; I didn't even proof read it. Additionally, after I got about half way through writing it, something happened in real life, so approximately the last 9000 words were half arsed. Thus, I cannot in good faith accept any praise for effort because the effort I put in was pitiful. I once spent nearly two full days with no work done on it at all before finally going "Oh yeah, I should probably write..." I entered this because a friend urged me to, I put in only a modicum of effort to write a piece up and have no intention of actually winning anything. I have never entered a contest here before and quite possibly never will again.
As for the ending, I am sorry it disappointed. In truth, I had nothing in the way of ideas for an ending, decided not to think anything ul and so just choose to simply play it straight. This is probably just another sign that I'm lazy haha.
It is the world of Half life and I am glad you think I portrayed it well; Though I am hesitant to pat myself on the back for it could easily have been so much better
I can't possibly know if you portrayed it well; this is the only portrayal I know! I just know I got a rather good image in my head, accurate or not! XD
In any case. I think you should feel a bit better. While yes, the lack of proof-reading was apparent, I still think you wrote a pretty nice story, all things considered. Should be at least a 7/10, even if it had a rather disappointing ending. I mean, it got sincerely exciting, with amusing comedy thrown in for good measure here and there, and some heartwarming and understandable situation and engaging individuals. Kind of. Yeah. Except the ending disappointed. Oh, well.
@Lionheart Alright, I believe your input to Archibald's latest question might be relevant.
@Apollosarcher Nicely posted. Lots of little suggestions around. Hahaha. ... Though, I probably did imagine that the road from here to Serafew would possibly be a little bit longer than that. Oh, well. We can have the caravan stick around for a bit if we follow that lead. Haha.
@Harbringer Gosh. Well written, I can see the little details sticking out in my mind. Alright, then, now to consider how I could possibly hold back the temptation. Anyways, yepp, you could potentially reply to what Marwood said, or wait until Alvin says something. That's about it. Teh-heh.
@Eklispe Quite well posted. Yupp, we'll be well waiting.
Hm, how will I get @Lightning Fast into this when you've now moved into a keep somewhere? ... Eh, I think some good old Fire Emblem coincidences might be in order. Hahaha.
Savo
Xaltwind
Lunamaria Hawke
Kon Kon
Floofenstein
RPM
Renose
Rune_Alchemist