SleepingSilence — Roleplayer Guild

@Dynamo Frokane Are you denying that those three people were detained? You clearly seem to think they were banned because "unlike the US, we don't allow crazy extremists to speak". So that seems to acknowledged they got banned for thought crimes. I haven't "complained" about it, because I haven't seen it brought up. Do you have links for that?

Also, maybe because one is an actual ideological threat and the other is different political beliefs? But I haven't heard that happening the U.K either. I've heard they were planning on allowing Linda Sarsour inside the U.K. 

This letter, seems to be claimed "a fraud" because of it's English/American Spelling. But I noticed it cropped out the end segment of the letter.

Here's Lauren's letter. Note what it states at the bottom.

So while I know less about this "Brittany's" situation, so I won't say she's not the type to fake something for drama. But I've not seen/heard Laura Southern do so. Also, I've personally seen government letters have misspellings and typos. The tweet at bottom shows such evidence of that.

twitter.com/MattPalumbo12/status/9735…

(Brittany) She's addressed this and someone has made a comment referring to it. 

twitter.com/BrittPettibone/status/973…

twitter.com/UKOutOfEU1/status/9733107…

Even, if the second comment/part is untrue. There's studies that 60% of UK children don't even speak English as first language.

express.co.uk/news/uk/752032/UK-area-…

twitter.com/nickmon1112/status/973673…

And like I said, seems like there's more problems than speech to deal with.

Alright. I've read the three stories and will give my thoughts of the story and its pacing given the word count. Though if I can provide a website for anyone's interest. This shows uses of passive voices, possible adverb padding and ways to make your sentences more concise. It's neat. It can be picky at times, but it's a good tool for analyzing one's work. hemingwayapp.com

It's also useful to use wordcounter.net Because a general rule of thumb, aside from being a good spellchecker. The most useful function, is the option to see how many unique words you have and how frequently words are used. The less you repeat yourself, usually the better the writing tends to be.

Now onto the reviews! I wrote down corrections and thoughts while reading and tried my best to edit down my criticism. So most of it will be in order. I apologize if it's cluttered. Or if it feels too harshly worded. (I tried to not make it all grammatical, unless something really sticks out at me multiple times. Probably failed there. Things I'm correcting I put in yellow. Corrections themselves in green.) 

Transparency warning: I've roleplayed/talked plently with @Shylarah before. But I believe I rated/reviwed everything fairly. If not a little bluntly at times.

My short review: Had very mixed feelings, one section could have probably been cut entirely. Wished there was more scenes like the Arcade. I wanted to learn more about the characters and their relationship than I feel I really did. But it had the most effective ending of the stories. Very emotional. (And you followed the "stay under 7000 words (or be very close) rule. Which is nice.)

“Two Grand Slamwiches...-”
“Oh- no, Noah, don’t worry,” Jeremy soothed, walking up to Noah and patting him on the shoulder. “Listen, I know it looks like back then...-”

Some of the punctuation used felt unnecessary. These in particular, I'm not sure “...-” is a grammatically correct thing to do, I think either/or would probably suffice.

Whilst he wouldn’t normally have picked Lenny’s for breakfast, it had struck him- more specifically, it had struck Noah, who then told him as much- that he’d never had one of their more expensive options.

I don’t understand what differences in the pausing I’m suppose to be doing here, as a reader. How long is the comma pause, differ from the dash pause? And it there isn’t a difference, why use both? 

Whilst he wouldn’t normally have picked Lenny’s for breakfast. It had struck him, more specifically it had struck Noah. Who then told him as much that he’d never had one of their more expensive options.

Noah gave another snorty laugh. “Don’t say your last day alive. It’s your Ascension.” It’s not like he was trying to avoid the terminology. It wasn’t his style. He already grieved a long time ago for Jeremy’s departure. He just dealt in silver linings and all that, rather than leaving a sad note on the world. “You’ll go from Jere Bear. To God’s Right Hand Man.” Again not that he believed in God, just something. Something after death.

“Don’t say your last day alive. It’s your Ascension” Feels off. “Don’t say it’s your last day alive. It’s your Ascension” Sounds more natural. There's a few other lines that I'd fix as well, that I won't mention for brevity sake.

We didn’t need him to explain, That he didn’t believe in god and that he just wanted there to be something after death. Or that he grieved for his best friend who was going to die. That’s almost a given. It’s better to do it through dialogue or character action.

Noah gave a laugh
Noah gave another snorty laugh.
Noah began to crack up
Jeremy couldn’t help but chuckle

A lot of paragraphs in the first bit, start with people laughing. Whether intentional or not, it’s a bit repetitive substantively. I also felt after so much laughter was used throughout. It could have been used ironically or for heartbreaking/tragic laughter. Like the one last laugh before dying or something.

Once they were both stuffed with various breakfast foods, the duo headed to the nearby golf course. It had always been a favourite pastime of Jeremy’s, and though Noah had suggested it was a bit boring for a final day, Jeremy had wanted to play one last game.

If you’re going to have dialogue. Use it. It’s better than plainly stating something.

“Nothing’s better than a round of golf!” Jeremy exclaimed.

“On second thought, I think I’d rather be God’s Librarian…” Noah joked.

It doesn’t have to be this...but it got across the same information in a more clever way, used less words and it didn’t spell anything out, that could be implied.

Jeremy always ended up putting more effort into than Noah. *into it

Even before Jeremy had a death sentence  It just became something normal as he grew weaker.

The reader is well aware that he's dying and getting weaker already. It doesn’t seem to have a consistent narrative purpose, mentioning it constantly. If it was just from one perspective, that could show the character’s obsession with it. The other character even scolds him for doing so, which seems like the constant doom and gloom on his end is intentional. But unless the friend is suppose to be a hypocrite. He also dwells on his friends death during leisurely times…(I’m pretty sure more than once this happens, to both characters.)

He just repeated something he’d heard Jeremy’s dad say once when they were teenagers brought here by his father.

He just repeated something he heard (or he’d hear)Jeremy’s dad say back when they were brought here as teenagers. 

(So you don’t have to clarify twice in the same sentence, that the dad is also the father.)

An example of cutting of repeating fluff, in the very same sentence. There’s several examples where this could be put into practice...

That golf segment gave me no new information. It said he’s dying multiple times, weaker now. They laughed at jokes, and they’re friends. If you wanted to mention one’s enjoyment for Golf. You could do a throwaway line that he could barely play or that his friend made him go play in the arcade instead for his safety. That could add depth to the characters…(and you actually mention golf in the next segment.)

And yet, for all his quirks, he couldn’t have been a better friend. Who else would set up a Patreon, who else would gather and save and thrift, all to ensure somebody would enjoy their last day on Earth?

A random aside, but this seems to imply his following and making a 'Patreon' for his art, was somehow solely made for this guy’s last day. I feel like it would make more sense setting up a 'gofundme' or something. If the crowd funding is being used for someone else. Most people use 'Patreon', assuming it goes to the creator and into their work. So 'gofundme' would just make more sense. Or maybe, mentioning specifically adding a 'Patreon' tier that goes to benefiting your friend, and the artist...did random commissions as reward. It’s more specific than “save/thrift” and actually seems to be more a personal sacrifice.

I liked the Arcade scene the most (apart from the ending.) because it had funny character banter. It could have moved the plot and characters forward.

The only thing Noah was ever good at was not being noticed. The only time they actually played laser tag was back in middle school during Chelsey Rayman’s birthday party and the only reason Noah was fifth place was because he opted not to play-play. By shooting people who didn’t notice him and hiding.

Noah just scowled, “Are you having any fun with this? I remember us cowering in a corner as a team during Chelsey’s birthday. And shooting people who tried to get close.”

Again, I feel like the dialogue alone could have sufficed, but it was also elaborated in more detail in the first paragraph, making the dialogue redundant.

Noah scowled. It was probably the first time he had scowled in a long time. (This former sentence feels rather overstated, since he scowls again in the very next scene, seemingly for a lesser reason.)

Noah began his fit of hysterical laughing, as he did whenever he found something more funny than he should.

If you wanted to add the latter sentence. It would've fit better the very first time the word 'hysteric' refers to laughter. (Instead of the third time of the many times, Noah hysterically laughs.)

Unless I’m somehow mistaken. I don’t feel that the Laser Tag or The Titty Bar really did anything to advance the plot, give character development or change my perspective.

</3 Aw. I greatly enjoyed the ending and was able to picture the moment in my head well, it was quite emotional. An ending can make and break a work for me. Certainly made the slow parts almost worth it.

My short review: A very effective beginning and probably the most varied vocabulary. Even the best premise/potential of the stories. But that middle of them just being in a single room and talking. Drags way too long and the dialogue felt unnatural and it soured it for me. (And was cutting it close, being nearly a thousand words over the rule set in place.)

So it always was that with the school grounds quiet his soul grew restless and forlorn.

This sentence feels off. (unless the school grounds quiet his soul.) 

So it always was that with the school grounds quiet, his soul grew restless and forlorn.

At the midnight hour only Kano, founder and Headmaster of the Academy, was out of sync. A purpose or sense of direction influenced a person’s ability to make difficult choices or decisions. So it always was that with the school grounds quiet his soul grew restless and forlorn.

Feel free to disagree, but I feel like certain paragraphs. (and other sentences I won’t go into) could be shortened/simplified in flow and be more effective in getting the same point across. For example.

At the midnight hour only Kano was out of sync, founder and Headmaster of the Academy. A purpose influenced a person’s ability to make difficult choices. With the school grounds always quiet, his soul grew restless and forlorn.

“Shit,” he said softly, staring at the monumental construct of water before it abruptly dissipated. Jordan downed the rest of his glass, and then slipped off the roof. Landing with a shade less grace than usual, he gathered up his drinking duffel, stowed his glass inside and set off in the direction of the Academy’s main building.

“Shit,” he said softly, staring at the monumental construct of water before it abruptly dissipated. Jordan downed his glass, then slipped off the roof. Landing with less grace than usual, he gathered his drinking duffel, stowed his glass inside and set off.

(You don’t need to specify where, since you bring up the main academy building in the next sentence.)

The decision, it seemed, was an obvious one.

Road bump wording. Words could be cut and improve the sentence flow.

The decision seemed obvious.
Or.
The decision was an obvious one.

Kano had, for lack of a better word, stopped being human entirely.

Same, cutting the middle out makes it much punchier and dramatic sounding. There's other sentences that could cut parts like that.

Kano had stopped being human entirely.

The conduit, Kano, did not seem human

Also, repeating the same idea, in the same way is redundant.

A lot of the middle section of the story, gets verbose, fluffy exposition laden and narratively speaking drags on for far too long. In my opinion. While sprinkled with character action is appreciated. Characters in one room, sitting down and talking for thousands of words isn’t exactly thrilling. Especially after such a well done beginning, flowing well and allowing me to envision the story and come up with my own conclusions. 

There’s a lot of ‘, and’s’ that probably don’t need to be there. Removing the and’s, would probably make certain sentences flow better. (Out of all words any character repeats out of duress three times, it’s only ‘and, and, and‘)

As a Primal, the living embodiment of Water’s will, Kano was one of six others who felt the budding second soul in a normal human. After that it was a process of reaching out to others like himself to find these children and bring them in. Many such children were treated cruelly for having powers.

“Every child that comes here is not the happy child of a loving family. They are hated, discriminated against, and beaten for the very power you and I wield. What of their lives then? We teach them to use their gifts and how to fight for the very reason you sit here crying into the wind. To avoid the atrocities of monsters disguised in human forms, to save them when we cannot come to their aid.”

Out of many paragraphs, the dialogue already implies things that are already expressly stated. Kano tried reaching out and helping children, who were abused and treated horribly. And he later talks about his six man team. Rendering the first paragraph entirely unnecessary.

Kano’s concern for the wellbeing of others being ever-present. 

*Well-being (It’s a small grammatical error, but stands out when you put another one in the same sentence.)

Because the Headmaster had constructed a titanic rose of ice in the night sky, before shattering it into a thousand thousand flakes of snow.

If that was on purpose. (thousand thousand) A comma, or a different word would help. 

“This, is all that self-sacrifice has given you. This is all that saddling the burdens of the world on your own shoulders has gotten you. I think you refuse to tell the other Primals of your monthly amputations because you’re ashamed of it, or otherwise affected by it. The most human parts of you that remain Kano, are your fear, your doubt, and your sadness. I see it in you every day.”

“I think you need to stop letting the darkness inside you rule your life, and instead recognize it for what it is; it’s a part of you that you can’t escape, and need to face. I don’t know why the previous Primal did the things that they did, I wasn’t around back then, but every time I hack your arm off at the shoulder, Kano, I see the effects that you are having on your own power. I don’t see a man struggling with his burdens, I see a man drowning in his own darkness.” 

“I rule me, and my decisions, Jordan. There will come a time when you know the amputation will not be enough, and the safety of every human life will be in jeopardy. There are no oceans here, no lakes, no bodies of water large enough for me to cause irreparable damage.”

Another reason why the very long middle act/scene feels so long and dragged out to me. The dialogue just feels unnatural at parts.

Why would he have to add “Kano” when he’s been talking and addressing only him for so long already. Do you while talking to your friend or colleague. Repeat their names out loud while speaking? “Well, John Snow. I think you’re going through a lot of problems with your powers and doubts about being human.” it feels so impersonal and artificial…

This happens way too many times. Sometimes they give each others names twice in the same breath/sentence. But it doesn’t happen every single time they speak/address each other either, so it doesn’t even seem to be a purposeful character trait for either of them. (Maybe it was trying to intentionally impersonal/inhumane. But it fails if not 100% consistent.) So it still feels very artificial.

Finding the words had always been difficult when times got serious for the wizened leader of the Academy despite a dozen lifetimes spent building up his own skills as a teacher. So in the moment when all he had to do was explain the why, words seemed so foreign.

This is telling what we’ve already been told before. And what could be implied. A top figure of the academy. He’s a teacher. Shouldn’t need to explain, why he explained, if he just explained it.

Maybe it's entirely my fault. Maybe it's because the story had the least narrative spacing/pauses of the three. But I had to go back and reread paragraphs several times. The beginning was so well executed. But after the rest, my disliking of the two characters and how they spoke to one another grew to frustration. And I lost the connection it started with. Sorry...

My short review: In my opinion, by far the most consistent feeling of the stories. Personally could have used a smidgen more background details. Probably the most overall engrossing. (meaning fewest things to take me out of the story.) Most of my actual critiques in this story are very nitpicky. Had the best, and very natural dialogue. Enjoyed the characters and their depth. It certainly felt like more could happen, in a good way and bad. Unfortunately, the story is over 10,000 words. So I don't think it technically meets the "stay within (close to) 7000 words, within hundreds" rule.  

She seemed smaller, somehow, deprived even of the little control she'd had over her future during her time recovering. Particularly when training the guards, she'd been very self-assured, but now she was just another prisoner.

Road bump wording. Remove ‘somehow’, improves the flow of the sentence.

"My apologies. You, of all people, don't deserve that." She turned to look at him, pale blue eyes rimmed with the faintest hint of pink. "I didn't lie to you. I have not, not since I turned my back on the Inquisition and got you out of their dungeons. But it doesn't matter. People believe what they like. And am I not a prime example of that?" The crack of a smile that splintered her impassive expression was fragile, and the farthest thing from cheerful.

A suggestion to improve word flow, removing commas and words.

"My apologies. Of all people, you don’t deserve that.” She turned to look at him, pale blue eyes rimmed with the faintest (or just ‘hint of’) pink. "I didn't lie to you. I haven’t since I turned my back on the Inquisition and got you out of their dungeons. But it doesn't matter. People believe what they like. Am I not a prime example of that?" The crack of a smile that splintered her impassive expression was fragile, and the farthest thing from cheerful.

"Useless, I tell you! I told you 'no visitors,' and what do you do? You allow a visitor!"

‘No vistors’,

It was a question he'd been routinely asking himself, this last day. It'd been 36 hours, give or take, since the sentencing, and he'd slept for only five of them. It was enough, though. He'd had longer stretches, mostly in the dungeons. He'd kept himself busy, since then, in the med tents. There were only so many patients, though, and soon enough he was filling out medicine order forms for Declan. His writing had never been neat, but now his scrawl was hasty, there was an almost desperation in his letters. If he stopped doing something, he'd think about Leia.

Suggestion to simplify.

It was a question he'd been routinely asking himself this past day. It'd been 36 hours, give or take, since the sentencing. He'd only slept for five, though it was enough. He'd had longer stretches, mostly in the dungeons. He'd kept himself busy in the med tents since then. There were only so many patients and soon enough he was filling out medicine order forms for Declan. His writing had never been neat, but now his scrawl was hasty, there was a desperation in his letters. If he stopped doing something, he'd think about Leia.

The other guard had recovered and drawn his sword, but Edric was banking on the fact that he'd hesitate to use it. It was a well-placed bet, and he was able to close easily.

Maybe change “close” to “approach/advance” to make it more clear. Adding get close or close in, may also work.

He hadn't brought his cutlass, as much because he didn't want to arouse early suspicion by bringing a weapon to the dungeons as it was because he didn't think he could seriously use it against any of the rebels.

To simplify.

He hadn't brought his cutlass because he didn't want to arouse early suspicion by bringing a weapon to the dungeons, but because he didn't think he could seriously use it against any of the rebels.

He'd fished the keys off of the mustachioed guard and, after struggling for a moment, managed to unlock it.
Comma in wrong place.
He'd fished the keys off of the mustachioed guard, and after struggling for a moment, managed to unlock it.

"Edric Karst, what the fucking hell do you think you're doing?" she demanded, lifting her her chin.  *Her chin

I feel there may be too many characters in this story that I don’t know anything about. It seems like you made an RP into a short story. It expands the world, but also risks spreading the time given to the character too thinly.

bending to grab a not the sword but rather the cloak of one of the guards. "Right. After you."

*grab not the sword *grab not a sword

"Did your fucking sword-?" Edric stopped, surprised to find himself angry. He was on edge, he supposed. "He was taking it -- her -- here, dammit."

“He supposed” (or really the “he was on edge”) isn’t needed.

There's many times were a comma was inserted while adding and ending word/s which was fluff and usually didn't need to be there. (Inside and outside character dialogue.) Also the word ", though" is used far too many times in this story.

Some examples of sentences that could be more concise, removing repeated words.

He supposed that if one spends eight years of their life rebelling against the established authority, it makes it easier to go against other authorities.

He supposed that it made it easier, spending eight years of their life rebelling against the established authority.

Whatever the reason, her dreams were increasingly troubled, and she was having more trouble shutting out visions. 

Whatever the reason, her dreams were increasingly having trouble shutting out visions.

The night before she'd woken in a cold sweat, and pushed by some awareness she didn't even understand herself she'd grabbed her things and vanished into the night

The night before she'd woken in a cold sweat, and pushed by some awareness she didn't even understand herself. She'd grabbed her things and vanished into the darkness.

(So you don’t have to say the word night twice. Variety is the spice of life. Or use “Yesterday” instead of ‘The night before’. For more concise wording.)

Maybe it was lingering guilt that drove her so strongly, keeping her from ignoring poorly-understood instincts after such a huge failure.

That dash seems out of place. Also, some of the rest of the stories punctuation could be fixed. 

He gently kicked her shoulder and said, in a voice just above a whisper.

He gently kicked her shoulder and said, just above a whisper. (*Or use volume instead of voice. Because what ‘voice’ isn’t already said?)

She made a noise that fell somewhere between a sob and a whimper, no longer asleep but not awake enough to tell the different.

She made a noise that fell somewhere between a sob and a whimper, no longer asleep but not awake enough to tell the difference. 

The pale-eyed rogue turns others, despite her best efforts. I can be where I'm needed or where I need to be, but not both.

‘Turns others’ what? I guess the person is waking up, so the confusion could be on purpose. Though what’s even the difference between “where I’m needed” and “where I need to be”? Both mean the same thing...I assume it’s suppose to be “Where I’m needed now, or where they need me next.” But it feels like it could be spoken clearer than that.

The backstory of the character’s parents seems like an unnecessary tangent that goes nowhere narratively. Around this point and during other arguments, there’s a lot of standing around and talking. Argument does make it more dramatic, but some more character action and body language would have improved it. The latter half of the story has very little actually happening in it, which does make it feel slow.

"Well, then we can't rightly force him to." Duncan's face hardened a bit, a frown touching his lips. 

Comma between a frown and touching his lips?

"Waif, this world is full of awful people. People who will stop at nothing to hurt other people, people who want nothing more than to fatten their coinpurses or further some means or another." 

TIL: Waif is a word meaning homeless person. (I can only assume that isn’t the word meant to be used there.)

The ending sections and overall felt a little anti-climactic. It certainly felt like there was a larger world out there. This would be good for an ongoing RP, but as a short story? The ending, and what lead up to it, felt very lacking in consequences or true character development or otherwise.

So hopefully my thoughts/critique/advice is reasonable and not too confusing. There were things I liked and disliked about all of them. Voting on overall enjoyment, I'd probably vote for @Shylarah&@Nevix's story. (But we'd have to ignore the word count thing again. ^-^')

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