SleepingSilence

Printed guns, melded metal - An experimental GM-less Cyberpunk RP

Been very distracted. >.<

@Hekazu Sure. How'd you imagine the scenario going down? Where might you want to place yourselves/anyone else in the scene? I don't want to base that just on posts made, since it may take a little bit for my character and the rest to arrive.

I'm already under the assumption the bar is visible/noticeable from the outside and if/or not it is a front to something else, you've already shown/noted that it was dangerous, but every personality wouldn't really worry about that. Though I wonder, how anyone would react to my character still being pretty bloody. (Can always have clothes thrown over them and wash up, assuming the bathroom works.)

Printed guns, melded metal - An experimental GM-less Cyberpunk RP

I've just gone off in a different direction. Though in my next post, since I didn't want to wait another day to post something. (I ended up deleting whatever little I wrote yesterday, because I wasn't feeling it.) I'm thinking about stopping somewhere to eat or elsewhere as a pit stop, just to add some extra complications and tension in my character's narrative.

@Hekazu You're still in a diner with @13org, even though I'm not entirely sure the location was specified in terms of distance from the ongoing chaos. I'll have to check again. What do you expect to do in the near future? Want some extra drama to kick in the front door? But not really, maybe. :P

Printed guns, melded metal - An experimental GM-less Cyberpunk RP

The flourish of lights illuminating the cracks in the pavement and noise coming from the grungy streets with dilapidated and modern structures sharing space. Sirens, screams, shots, the smoke pouring from buildings that never stopped burning her nostrils. An abandoned security vehicle in the middle of the road, stripped of an engine, radio and its tires. A huddled group of young hooligans with baseball bats, sitting by a dumpster fire and chucking some emptied plastic jugs inside. One boy striking a fleeting glance with Scarlett, giving her a vacant, yet fierce stare, looking as if he face-planted into powdered sugar. The city really brought a new meaning to crystal clarity.

Her full sprint passing through couldn’t slip past reality, getting caught in the moment. How was she going to return without transportation? That recollection shattered her stride like a bag filled with hammers thrown into her plans. She hadn’t remembered to specify a retrieval time and location, did that idiot explain anything? Would she have bothered to listen even if he did? She groaned aloud and smacked the side her helmet, then thinking about her limited options. Balancing the risk of the police, shootouts and further chaos for the chance of having her ride waiting there like a carriage ready to whisk her away. It reflected a fantasy that made the broken fragments laying beside the overflowing trash can belong to a glass slipper, and the pool of chunky orange goop from a crushed pumpkin. But the distinct smell of booze and food poisoning clung to her, as she only kept walking to distance herself from the oncoming nausea...

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After six minutes of ambling across sidewalks had elapsed, a couple of revving motorcycles had simultaneously pulled over toward adjacent empty bike racks with loose steel chains piled on the ground on the street corner ahead of her. She suddenly recognized at least one of the drivers as he removed his headgear, another Reaper apart of her masters hirelings. The face of forty going on twenty-five from cybernetics, dressed like money didn’t matter, the artifice clear as his glossy sheen in his eyes. His voice being the most apparent giveaway of his age, sounding like the cigarettes he smoked bore holes in his lungs.

“Lookin’ for a ride, Scarlett? We were just heading back to The Fortress.”

What were the odds? She hated the very concept of fate, and calling it fortune was debatable, more accurately a set of circumstances that settled her prominent query. Still as the air she remained silent and standing, making her decision underneath a flickering street-lights exposing Scarlett's soaked red body. Interrupted by a familiar sneering sound from the armored woman removing her dark hood and showing off her long synthetic bright blue hair, like she was proudly displaying the mop dyed with window cleaner, affixed to cover her balding spots.

“Let the self-serving mutt find her own way home.” The woman cawed, an appropriate description given her similarities with scavenger birds. Scarlett kept her mouth shut, answering with a nod of acknowledgement, while hiding a smirk and sauntered up to the man’s motorcycle. Briefly touching her holster, inserting her fingertip and feeling where she’d hidden the folded piece of paper. “Bitch, get your own boyfriend to drive you-Oh, right! He’s dead. Not that you wouldn’t fuck him, if he had any bones you could stick-”

Something would have snapped before she finished her sentence. Charging her and lunging at her like a beast, knocking her off the motorbike and slamming her backside into the bike rack. Her weapon stuck strapped ineffectually to her back pinned to the concrete. Scarlett’s concentration unbroken by the shouts of the other men who she knew couldn’t kill her, let alone stop her fast enough. Scarlett quickly binding her movements with the chains, leaving her cries as her last desperate struggle. Proceeding to bash her skull with her fists continually smashing in a blind rage until the blind would have equal measures to recognize the leftovers...

But her inner demons were pacified, with the first man snapping at her.

“Cut that out, before I inform the boss how much his ammunition you wasted on a single flunkie that you let escape and it comes out of your paycheck.” He warned through clenched teeth and a low growl.

“Don’t talk about that with her around.” She muttered in a defensive tone, facing away from them and pulling her hood up.

“Scarlett isn’t going to tattle. She’s a good girl. So no more bickering.” The man stated in a casual way, though she’d long gotten used to the pet-speak. The man pointed over to the third wheel who remained entirely silent. “Get on with Chaz, he won’t bite.” He chuckled at his own statement failing to brighten the mood. Scarlett hopped on rear of the motorcycle and awkwardly put her hands on the stranger’s shoulders, least they were clean and didn’t wreak...

With the sound of burning oil, they sped off toward The Fortress. Scarlett despite her best effort to focus on the road, got lost in her anxiety...

“Just get back with the news in one piece. Nobody else can know about this. If I’m right, anyone trying to discover Davison’s whereabouts would kill for this information…”

RPGC #19: Beware The Metal Age - Discussion

@Exit

I wasn't going to critique your work on the grounds of submitting an incomplete entry that isn't participating. It seems unfair for both parties involved.

No, I'm glad you did. Besides, nothing you critiqued was related to plot, theme, story mechanics which I hadn't been able to finish. (Though you still could have.)

However, going through what you submitted, I'm reminded of a previous issue I wanted to bring up to you in regards another piece you wrote. Given the number of contests that have taken place between then and now, it seems a good point to discuss as it is still relevant.

I feel as though you season your writing with commas like salt, sprinkling them in and letting them fall where they may. It makes for a confusing read and frankly, smothers my 'vision' of the scene you're trying to paint.

I had difficulty understanding exactly what was unfolding.

Now, after giving my work another glance. I don't doubt that there's a few instances where I have commas where I don't need them. Though the idea that it mirrors my previous work is a challenging thought, because I purposely extended many of my sentences so that they would have as much words crammed in their as possible without punctuation. Like I'm staring at my writing, and the amount of commas I have in it that if aren't included make the progression of the scene confusing is not that many? Especially, compared to my last entry.

In which instances would be these actively grammatically incorrect? Or is that not the problem?

(I wish examples were provided on which paragraphs were difficult to parse/understand and why.)

Your writing... refuses to let me use my lungs. Commas and periods and hyphens elicit breaks or a chance for a reader to pause and breath and consider what is being read. Breathe too much and you hyperventilate and get a little dizzy and need to take a break... from breathing. Hold your breath to long and you'll pass out. You have to manage it, especially when reading.

There is no regulation to be found here and it leaves me... exhausted. Breathless as if I've just run a mile.

Okay, I'm going to assume between the flavor text. The advice/point is that you want me to read out the writing and keep the punctuation in mind. Right? But you mention the hyphens, and there's not a single instance where that is used that I wouldn't have used it and didn't use it for its intended effect. You are in the characters head, both who are in a panic. Honestly, I know how all that purple prose was suppose to come off, and the bit of information I could actually use to improve. But I wrote something to feel oppressive (from the prompts explanation that this wouldn't be easy for the characters. So I'm surprised how few people wrote suffering/challenged characters. Some literally pushing over their opposition with little effort. Which came across as the antithesis of the prompts purpose.) and the characters to be panicked and paranoid...kind of sounds like I did my job well.

"Crossing the dump and reaching an enormous obsidian wall, a large gate with four levers, which required grabbing the handles, two pairs in a horizontal line beside each other on opposite sides of the door. Opening it by pushing them forward at the same time. His analysis was proven correct, as Rytok grabbed both handles on the west side."

Or:

"Crossing the dump and reaching an enormous obsidian wall, Ohwo came upon a large gate with four levers; two pairs in a horizontal line beside each other on opposite sides of the door. Figuring he could open the gate by pushing them forward at the same time, his analysis was proven correct when Rytok grabbed both handles on the west side."

Added a few extra words, removed a comma and replaced another with a semicolon. Also removed an entire fragment with instruction on how to work a lever. It's not perfect and there are other changes that could be made to further improve the few lines, but it reads easier.

I have no problems with your correction. Though I feel this is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation for me. Last time I used semicolons, every single person was telling me how I didn't ever need to use them. I could have replaced it with commas instead. So, I actually agree that a semicolon would work better here. But if I had done that, I feel like someone who have pointed that out as a bad thing.

In the way you describe the hyphens, leaving you so exhausted that it leaves you dizzy and dead. I feel like a personality/writing style clash is taking place, more than a critique of what does/doesn't strictly work.

In the same way, you expressed that things pause too often. When another reader pointed out my sentences are too long. Which, if I'm not mistaken, contradict and make it harder to really grasp it, if nothing is provided for me to understand. Not saying different people can't feel differently, but neither provided real sentences behind the words. So taking mental notes are the closest I can get to implementing the advice.

Your sliding in and out of tenses at will further disrupts what otherwise looks like a promising premise.

Again, I wish examples were provided. Though I'm sure that and the other things mentioned could use some form of improvement. The kind of thing I'm sure wouldn't have been as big an issue if I had time to polish it.

You have a wide range of vocabulary and the descriptive language needed to paint a beautiful picture. Interesting worlds to borrow from and the ability to laden work with emotion without shoving it in the reader's face. Work on sentence structure and you're golden.

Well clearly attempts to change my sentence structure doesn't always have any noticeable impact to how people view the story. But I greatly appreciate spending your time to review it. Thank you. :)

RPGC #19: Beware The Metal Age - Voting and Critique

Well since we've decided to end this voting deadline far faster than I remember doing it for the others. I had to rush my readings and vote, which I admit is more of a cursory glance than I anticipated or wanted.

(The reviews will still come out later. And they will all have some substantiated points.)

Vote: Batten Valley, by @Silver

(The exact why, and review will come later.)

Printed guns, melded metal - An experimental GM-less Cyberpunk RP

I'll try to post something in the next couple of days.

Edit: Didn't expect to be gone all day/yesterday. So I'll likely start writing something now, and maybe I'll have something by tomorrow?

RPGC #19: Beware The Metal Age - Discussion

@Calle No. I'm sure that has to do with lack of given polish on my end. I fully intend on tearing into my own work with a critical lens. Because I understand my writing well. And I decided I didn't really like my story very much. And perhaps maybe I'll shed some light on what other acts would've been, and how I intended to write it. The sentences are extended to combat the accusations/actual writing errors of sentence fragments. I'll have to give another glance at the work, to see if I created a few run-on sentences in its place. I'll also look into that as well, because the latter probably is the correct/concise way to construct those sentences.

Appreciate the review.

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I have read and written two reviews. A flu shot kicking my ass and busy days/nights have made the process take a while. I hope I'll have more good things to say, so I don't come across so overtly negative. They're still coming along.

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Edit: @Silver Thanks for the review as well.

What Are You Listening To?

RPGC #19: Beware The Metal Age - Discussion

@Silver Nah that's fine, I saw you post yours around 11:00 - 11:30 I believe? So you're perfectly fine. I doubt any entry will be voided for the competition. Especially since it's fairly niche enough of a contest as it is. Not exactly prize money or anything particular at stake. It's really just in spirit of your fellow roleplayer/good form.

RPGC #19: Beware The Metal Age - Discussion

@Exit To be perfectly fair. I believe that information was only interpreted from the last contest having a similar question asked about it. And the reply was specifying the timezone in question. But not everyone follows every contest, and they can't assume such. So since that may not be displayed, I'm sure that could lead to this kind of situation.