Hidden 6 mos ago 6 mos ago Post by yoshua171
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At the Time it Begins – Though the End is Nigh – and the Middle man has Weed





The sky was purple as the sun began to set, the clouds lit as fuck because of the process. It was an open field in the center of a city, which was half way in ruins and halfway functioning. The city was surrounded by a wall and the wall had a wall and that wall had an etc, just like this sentence: ETC ETC.

It was Princess Trump's city after all and let me tell you, xey had definitely made walls great again, if not cities or countries.

In the sky a ship descended, one seen above in this post. Yeah, that's right, your characters can hear me narrating and see the visual aid. It's meta, deal with it. Anyways, from the sky a ship descended and from the ship the sky ascended. It's relative really—but who cares about that right? ME, I FUCKING CARE, WHOSE ASKIN'.....
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Sorry, the matrix glitched. Anyways, the ship landed and the beams of light began flashing, the music began playing, and all the onlookers couldn't help but begin to dance.

Seriously, that shit was lit af yo.

With people recording and rocking out to the musico, the aliens made their arrival, stepping out of the ship in all of their glory...bearing plasma rifles.

It was...less lit.



Fortunately, due to their anatomy, they would have a lot of trouble aiming. Maybe.

“We are the Sporeumnia Forgoians and we forgo your right to peace, and lack of dancing. Surrendur your city or be laid at peace. Do not force us to reckon the furthendur.”

What will you do. Hell, what will I do. I'm just some guy who lost his body and gut stuck in the Intraternetextual matrixgrid.

Seriously...please help. It's dark here.
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The crazed man with no eyes stumbled down the city streets. His breath smelled of pasta water and the sins that can only be carried by a fry cook assassin. It was time. The child obtainment mission was to begin
Hidden 6 mos ago 6 mos ago Post by ArkmageddonCat
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Out of the place next to next to nowhere, an army of medieval knights appeared in the streets of this city of walls upon walls upon walls upon etc. The city belonged to Princess Trump, this much was clear to these jolly knights, these cooperating crusaders, these manly individuals... though they were not all men, or... so it seemed. They're all wearing armor, I can't tell...can you? What was that? Why does this matter? I don't know... I thought you might want to know... fine, I'll continue. Jerk.

Anyways, where was I? Oh, yes! The knights were facing the alien visitors, and the very front-most knight drew their sword and raised it up over their head with a mighty roar! "TROLOLOOOLOLOLOLOOOOO!" They shouted, turning to their armored comrades who drew their swords as well and mimicked their leader's mighty roar. "Brothers and sisters, the aliens have come to take away our rights! They've come to take our right to arms, our right to crusade, and our right to glorious Sunny-D! Many will die today in this battle of today, today...and I'm glad to have fought with each and every one of you except for Phil, because let's face it, Phil's a major shit head." The leader's mighty voice boomed with might, while a tiny, sad little groan could be heard in the distance. Probably Phil, but who cares? The leader continued his speech. "Today will be the day that we win the day, my friends! Today is a day that will be remembered as the day that we won the day against the alien menace! Today we shall stand and fight! Fight for our right to party! ARE YOU WITH ME?!" His mighty voice bellowed, met with the righteous cheers of his shining comrades.

Another knight, brandishing a Blue banner depicting a triangle around the moon hoisted a large boombox up over his/her shoulder, and clicked the play button. After a moment, the music kicked in and the army of crusade-ready knights began to dance in their shoes... err... boots, err armor... you get the idea. The music seemed to be invigorating and empowering the jolly warriors, as their armor creaked and clanked with every dance move.


"And now, with our holy anthem to empower our will, we shall ride out to meet our foes on the battlefield of the battle of today! May the heavenly father, Pepe, watch over us today... and bring us to glorious victory on this righteous day, today! DEUS VULT!" The leader's voice once again boomed, and his knights cheered with such vigor that they could probably tip a cow with only a feather.

Swiftly, they hopped upon their mighty steeds and rode out to meet this new foe in battle, yelling "DEUS VULT" in unison. Their heels clacked together in such a way that the music blended into a righteous dragon's roar that seethed out to ears of all, though if anyone were to look... they'd basically just see a bunch of knights riding wooden stick horses towards the alien vessel. Today is... well... a really weird day.
Hidden 6 mos ago 6 mos ago Post by yoshua171
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"One moment, bapadee, another moment bapa da da in your mom."

The aliens looked terrified, or they would look that way if we knew how to comprehend their expressions, which we didn't, because they were alines. Idiot.

They went from this:


To this:

Or had they always been like that? Yup, they were definitely like that before. Nothing to see here, no changes whatsoever. What? You don't believe me or something? Why you lookin' at me like that. Okay look, I'm lying, go back and find the first picture of them. They look the goddamn same. I'll wait.

Who'm I kidding no I won't. Don't waste my time.

Anyways, the alines were pretty scared, but that was okay, because the Crusaders started saying "Deus Vult," which in their language meant "Give me a hug or we go to war." It's a beautiful, complicated language called Neurolatin. Look it up. Oh wait, you can't because you don't have space google. Sucker.

The aliens opened their arms, and bared themselves to the Crusaders, dropping their arms--no not their biological arms, the weapons they were holding. Yeah, good job buddy. However, before they knew what hit them--it was swords and various other medieval weaponry--they got skewered and crushed.

Or at least, the first aline of offensitude did. Reacting to the violencitude, the aliens roared, and struck out, two of them picking up their space ship, or what we'd thought was their space ship, and using it to crush some of the Crusaders--aka they were using their spcae ship as a bludgeoning tool because the alines were total badasses unlike you. Maybe you should have thought about that before attacking them @ArkmageddonCat.

Nearby people started running and screaming, fleeing from the scene. The firefighters arrived, followed by an electrician and a plumber.

They would be useless for about 89.50% of the operation and useful for about the other 1%. You want to know about the rest of the percentage? Too bad. You'll find out when I decide to care. Get kid scrub.
FLASHBACK



"When my grandfather was a child, he used to run along the power lines an---"

WRONG FLASHBACK!
ANOTHER FLASHBACK



"They say that in the Fluu-ounce zone the darkness consumes even the teets of babes. Whether those babes are women or babies the world will never know. Not even sure if this information is reliable, I mean look at me, I'm a duck."



No wait that's a crocodile, THIS is a duck.


So majestic.
FLASHFORWARDS


Sophisticated.
FLASHBang


FlASH--Okay no Seriously back to the Present


-_-



The plumber is stopping everyone from drowning by uncloging the sewers. The electrician is fixing the powers lines.

The firefighter is desperately trying to put out the fire that has been lit in everyone's hearts. He will fail. He always fails. You had one job Phil.

Meanwhile the sky has continued to be lit af, it's getting darker, the fight has already lasted 20 parsecs, which is about the amount of time it takes for one sunset to turn into another sunset.

It's been a whole day and they're still at it. If nothing else I can commend their endurance.

Oh yeah, don't forget that duck, he'll be important later.

If I feel like it.
T H E I N F E R N A L C H I L D B E I N G



NAPPING.
Otto Lancanza




Suddenly waking up from his Cryoillumination pod, Otto noticed that it was a day after the Battle of Today had begun. He'd heard about the alines on the news, but hadn't believe it. However, after coverage had continued for a whole day it was hard NOT to believe that they were idiots. Those Crusaders were crazy, fighting thin air. I mean, there was a spaceship there, but he hadn't seen anything else present except for the people, and those had been humans...were still humans.

He wondered when Princess Trump would start actually doing xeir job and policing xeir city. Shrugging he rose from his bed and retrieved his slightly mangled INDUSTRIAL ductape throwing cards, putting in their anti-adhesive container, before he headed out of his bunker and into his kitchen. He made eggs and bacohohohon*french accent* before deciding he wanted to go out for brunch instead. He threw the plate onto the ground and it shattered before dissolving into the ether plane where it would stay until it became a temporal rift approximately now.

Otto stepped through the templatoral rift, leaving the remains of his food on the ground for his invisible dog.

It should be noted that Otto's place is covered in food from head to toe, from ceiling to foot, from floor to head. It's a pig's stie, though not quite literally. Or well...I mean, most of it IS bacon, so it's almost literal, but still not quite there. Maybe it'll get there later. We'll see how the universe is feeling at that point.

Otto stepped out the other side of the portal and entered a Mcdonalds, which he hated. He promptly through one of his duct tape cards at someone and then left. This will not be relevant later. So forget it. I'll wait.

I waited long enough. Otto promptly found a Wendy's, which was being unironically served by anime girls wearing human cosplay. It was weird, and oddly arousing. Once he'd finished his doubletap burger and his Jankerstoodle, he went out and glanced around. There was not a single child in sight. There was not a sight to see of child within radius of his eye seers. There wasn't anything to see here boys. Run on home now.

NO, NO WE WILL NOT IMAGINARY SHERIFF, WE'RE HERE TO TELL AND READ THE STORY.

Well alright, sorry Mr, I didn't mean no harm.

*The imaginary sheriff promptly explodes into cotton balls*

Otto has crossed the street by now, having none of our shit despite being able to perceive all of us with the Eyes of Kiddd. He misses his turn and stumbles into a rather attractive person.

Who is she?

Her name is Adult Dora.



Do you feel old yet? Too bad!
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Hell was not a place, nor an ideal. It is our own psyche, forever tortured with the guilt of our pasts. Moving forward. Consuming all. Hell is always surrounding you. It's odd. Death is the only release from hell. This hell. The hell of life. Escape is impossible as it is only human to torment yourself in such a way.
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Hell was not a place, nor an ideal. It is our own psyche, forever tortured with the guilt of our pasts. Moving forward. Consuming all. Hell is always surrounding you. It's odd. Death is the only release from hell. This hell. The hell of life. Escape is impossible as it is only human to torment yourself in such a way.


Lore Entry:

Hell 7: Your own Mind and the world you live in every day.
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Deep in the dark, dank depths of the earth, the acolyte toiled. There was no light. There was no heat. Such luxuries had long since been taken by the Lord of the Land, whose financial vampirism and short-sighted desire for such a foolish, worldly thing as wealth had caused the so-called 'rightful authorities' to come and lay siege to the acolyte's veritable stronghold of spiritual fervor.

It was likely they were after his ursine arms, which he had a right to. Such was a violation of his constitutional rights, and trying to take away civil liberties was a very 'smh' action to do, as the archaic runes resurfaced by the Explorers of the Internet, the Chromatic Googols, and the Inferno Vulpines had revealed to him.

It was very 'swag', as they also say.

The acolyte took a deep breath and drank a bottle of gin. A whole bottle. In one gulp. The acolyte was an alcoholic and he had a problem. The acolyte's friends at Alcoholics Anonymous missed him.

Then the acolyte withdrew his blade and drew it across his arm. Horizontally for attention, of course. But for whose attention? The acolyte was deep within the earth, in the dark, among old furniture and strewn trash! There was nobody here! Nobody but the acolyte, that is. Was it for the misguided men in blue garb who came with their flashing, blaring cars which profaned the colors of the land, and metal sticks by which they were to pound the acolyte's ritualistically bloated, alcohol-infused corpus?

No, it was for the powers outside the ken of man. Powers that he was to harness in order to protect the world, this land, from the heretical existences that trod upon it.

The acolyte continued drawing the blade across his arm, again and again, until he had seven crimson stripes, framing marble-like bone. He screamed because ritual mutilation was painful. But it was a very metal scream, and thus was '#aesthetic' by the standards of the forebearers.

At that moment, in the world above the basement, chaos broke out as illegal aliens, the kind which the false prophet falsely prophecized protecting the nation from, descended from the heavens in their phallic craft, matched only by the retinue of knights from ages past - Knights of the Church. Crusaders. First level paladins with full BAB and Smite Evil 1/day.

It appeared that his The Fathers of the Foundation had smiled upon his faith, but perhaps that which he had petitioned was not the one for which he had called. Because separation of the church and state is a phrase used by Thomas Jefferson and others expressing an understanding of the intent and function of the Establishment Clause and Free Exercise Clause of the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States which reads: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..."

The phrase "separation of church and state" is generally traced to a January 1, 1802 letter by Thomas Jefferson, addressed to the Danbury Baptist Association in Connecticut, and published in a Massachusetts newspaper. Jefferson wrote,
“ "I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should 'make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof,' thus building a wall of separation between Church & State."[1] ”

Jefferson was echoing the language of the founder of the first Baptist church in America, Roger Williams who had written in 1644,
“ "[A] hedge or wall of separation between the garden of the church and the wilderness of the world." ”

Article Six of the United States Constitution also specifies that "no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States."

Jefferson's metaphor of a wall of separation has been cited repeatedly by the U.S. Supreme Court. In Reynolds v. United States (1879) the Court wrote that Jefferson's comments "may be accepted almost as an authoritative declaration of the scope and effect of the [First] Amendment." In Everson v. Board of Education (1947), Justice Hugo Black wrote: "In the words of Thomas Jefferson, the clause against establishment of religion by law was intended to erect a wall of separation between church and state."[2]

However, the Court has not always interpreted the constitutional principle as absolute, and the proper extent of separation between government and religion in the U.S. remains an ongoing subject of impassioned debate.[3][4][5][6]

Early history

Many early immigrant groups traveled to America to worship freely, particularly after the English Civil War and religious conflict in France and Germany.[7] They included nonconformists like the Puritans, who were Protestant Christians fleeing religious persecution from the Anglican King of England. Despite a common background, the groups' views on religious toleration were mixed. While some such as Roger Williams of Rhode Island and William Penn of Pennsylvania ensured the protection of religious minorities within their colonies, others like the Plymouth Colony and Massachusetts Bay Colony had established churches. The Dutch colony of New Netherland established the Dutch Reformed Church and outlawed all other worship, though enforcement was sparse. Religious conformity was desired partly for financial reasons: the established Church was responsible for poverty relief, putting dissenting churches at a significant disadvantage.
Former state churches in British North America
Catholic colonies

When New France was transferred to Great Britain in 1763, the Catholic Church remained under toleration, but Huguenots were allowed entrance where they had formerly been banned from settlement by Parisian authorities.
The Colony of Maryland was founded by a charter granted in 1632 to George Calvert, secretary of state to Charles I, and his son Cecil, both recent converts to Catholicism. Under their leadership many English Catholic gentry families settled in Maryland. However, the colonial government was officially neutral in religious affairs, granting toleration to all Christian groups and enjoining them to avoid actions which antagonized the others. On several occasions low-church dissenters led insurrections which temporarily overthrew the Calvert rule. In 1689, when William and Mary came to the English throne, they acceded to demands to revoke the original royal charter. In 1701 the Church of England was proclaimed, and in the course of the eighteenth century Maryland Catholics were first barred from public office, then disenfranchised, although not all of the laws passed against them (notably laws restricting property rights and imposing penalties for sending children to be educated in foreign Catholic institutions) were enforced, and some Catholics even continued to hold public office.
Spanish Florida was ceded to Great Britain in 1763, the British divided Florida into two colonies. Both East and West Florida continued a policy of toleration for the Catholic Residents.

Protestant colonies

The colony of Plymouth was founded by Pilgrims, English Dissenters or Separatists, Calvinists.
The colonies of Massachusetts Bay, New Haven, and New Hampshire were founded by Puritan, Calvinist, Protestants.
New Netherland was founded by Dutch Reformed Calvinists.
The colonies of New York, Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, and Georgia were officially Church of England.

Colonies with no established church

The Province of Pennsylvania was founded by Quakers, but the colony never had an established church.
West Jersey, also founded by Quakers, prohibited any establishment.
Delaware Colony
The Colony of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations, founded by religious dissenters, is widely regarded as the first polity to grant religious freedom to all its citizens.

Tabular summary
Colony Denomination Disestablished1
Connecticut Congregational 1818
Georgia Church of England 17892
Maryland Catholic/Church of England 1701/1776
Massachusetts Congregational 1780 (in 1833 state funding suspended)3
New Brunswick Church of England
New Hampshire Congregational 17904
Newfoundland Church of England
North Carolina Church of England 17765
Nova Scotia Church of England 1850
Prince Edward Island Church of England
South Carolina Church of England 1790
Canada West Church of England 1854
West Florida Church of England N/A6,7
East Florida Church of England N/A6,7
Virginia Church of England 17868
West Indies Church of England 1868

^Note 1: In several colonies, the establishment ceased to exist in practice at the Revolution, about 1776;[8] this is the date of permanent legal abolition.

^Note 2: in 1789 the Georgia Constitution was amended as follows: "Article IV. Section 10. No person within this state shall, upon any pretense, be deprived of the inestimable privilege of worshipping God in any manner agreeable to his own conscience, nor be compelled to attend any place of worship contrary to his own faith and judgment; nor shall he ever be obliged to pay tithes, taxes, or any other rate, for the building or repairing any place of worship, or for the maintenance of any minister or ministry, contrary to what he believes to be right, or hath voluntarily engaged to do. No one religious society shall ever be established in this state, in preference to another; nor shall any person be denied the enjoyment of any civil right merely on account of his religious principles."

^Note 3: From 1780 Massachusetts had a system which required every man to belong to a church, and permitted each church to tax its members, but forbade any law requiring that it be of any particular denomination. This was objected to, as in practice establishing the Congregational Church, the majority denomination, and was abolished in 1833.

^Note 4: Until 1877 the New Hampshire Constitution required members of the State legislature to be of the Protestant religion.

^Note 5: The North Carolina Constitution of 1776 disestablished the Anglican church, but until 1835 the NC Constitution allowed only Protestants to hold public office. From 1835 to 1876 it allowed only Christians (including Catholics) to hold public office. Article VI, Section 8 of the current NC Constitution forbids only atheists from holding public office.[9] Such clauses were held by the United States Supreme Court to be unenforceable in the 1961 case of Torcaso v. Watkins, when the court ruled unanimously that such clauses constituted a religious test incompatible with First and Fourteenth Amendment protections.

^Note 6: Religious tolerance for Catholics with an established Church of England was policy in the former Spanish Colonies of East and West Florida while under British rule.

^Note 7: In Treaty of Paris (1783), which ended the American Revolutionary War, the British ceded both East and West Florida back to Spain (see Spanish Florida).

^Note 8: Tithes for the support of the Anglican Church in Virginia were suspended in 1776, and never restored. 1786 is the date of the Virginia Statute of Religious Freedom, which prohibited any coercion to support any religious body.
Colonial support for separation

The Flushing Remonstrance shows support for separation of church and state as early as the mid-17th century, stating their opposition to religious persecution of any sort: "The law of love, peace and liberty in the states extending to Jews, Turks and Egyptians, as they are considered sons of Adam, which is the glory of the outward state of Holland, so love, peace and liberty, extending to all in Christ Jesus, condemns hatred, war and bondage." The document was signed December 27, 1657 by a group of English citizens in America who were affronted by persecution of Quakers and the religious policies of the Governor of New Netherland, Peter Stuyvesant. Stuyvesant had formally banned all religions other than the Dutch Reformed Church from being practiced in the colony, in accordance with the laws of the Dutch Republic. The signers indicated their "desire therefore in this case not to judge lest we be judged, neither to condemn least we be condemned, but rather let every man stand or fall to his own Master."[10] Stuyvesant fined the petitioners and threw them in prison until they recanted. However, John Bowne allowed the Quakers to meet in his home. Bowne was arrested, jailed, and sent to the Netherlands for trial; the Dutch court exonerated Bowne.

New York Historical Society President and Columbia University Professor of History Kenneth T. Jackson describes the Flushing Remonstrance as "the first thing that we have in writing in the United States where a group of citizens attests on paper and over their signature the right of the people to follow their own conscience with regard to God - and the inability of government, or the illegality of government, to interfere with that."[11]

Given the wide diversity of opinion on Christian theological matters in the newly independent American States, the Constitutional Convention believed a government sanctioned (established) religion would disrupt rather than bind the newly formed union together. George Washington wrote a letter in 1790 to the country's first Jewish congregation, the Touro Synagogue in Newport, Rhode Island to state:

Allowing rights and immunities of citizenship. It is now no more that toleration is spoken of, as if it were by the indulgence of one class of people, that another enjoyed the exercise of their inherent natural rights. For happily the Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens, in giving it on all occasions their effectual support.[12]

There were also opponents to the support of any established church even at the state level. In 1773, Isaac Backus, a prominent Baptist minister in New England, wrote against a state sanctioned religion, saying: "Now who can hear Christ declare, that his kingdom is, not of this world, and yet believe that this blending of church and state together can be pleasing to him?" He also observed that when "church and state are separate, the effects are happy, and they do not at all interfere with each other: but where they have been confounded together, no tongue nor pen can fully describe the mischiefs that have ensued." Thomas Jefferson's influential Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom was enacted in 1786, five years before the Bill of Rights.

Most Anglican ministers, and many Anglicans, were Loyalists. The Anglican establishment, where it had existed, largely ceased to function during the American Revolution, though the new States did not formally abolish and replace it until some years after the Revolution.
Jefferson, Madison, and the "wall of separation"

The phrase "[A] hedge or wall of separation between the garden of the church and the wilderness of the world" was first used by Baptist theologian Roger Williams, the founder of the colony of Rhode Island, in his 1644 book The Bloody Tenent of Persecution.[13][14] The phrase was later used by Thomas Jefferson as a description of the First Amendment and its restriction on the legislative branch of the federal government, in an 1802 letter[15] to the Danbury Baptists (a religious minority concerned about the dominant position of the Congregationalist church in Connecticut):

Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between man and his god, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, and not opinions, I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their "legislature" should "make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof," thus building a wall of separation between church and State. Adhering to this expression of the supreme will of the nation in behalf of the rights of conscience, I shall see with sincere satisfaction the progress of those sentiments which tend to restore to man all his natural rights, convinced he has no natural right in opposition to his social duties.

Jefferson's letter was in reply to a letter[16] that he had received from the Danbury Baptist Association dated October 7, 1801. In an 1808 letter to Virginia Baptists, Jefferson used the same theme:

We have solved, by fair experiment, the great and interesting question whether freedom of religion is compatible with order in government and obedience to the laws. And we have experienced the quiet as well as the comfort which results from leaving every one to profess freely and openly those principles of religion which are the inductions of his own reason and the serious convictions of his own inquiries.

Jefferson and James Madison's conceptions of separation have long been debated. Jefferson refused to issue Proclamations of Thanksgiving sent to him by Congress during his presidency, though he did issue a Thanksgiving and Prayer proclamation as Governor of Virginia.[17][18] Madison issued four religious proclamations while President,[19] but vetoed two bills on the grounds they violated the first amendment.[20] On the other hand, both Jefferson and Madison attended religious services at the Capitol.[21] Years before the ratification of the Constitution, Madison contended "Because if Religion be exempt from the authority of the Society at large, still less can it be subject to that of the Legislative Body."[22] After retiring from the presidency, Madison wrote of "total separation of the church from the state."[23] " "Strongly guarded as is the separation between Religion & Govt in the Constitution of the United States," Madison wrote,[24] and he declared, "practical distinction between Religion and Civil Government is essential to the purity of both, and as guaranteed by the Constitution of the United States."[25] In a letter to Edward Livingston Madison further expanded, "We are teaching the world the great truth that Govts. do better without Kings & Nobles than with them. The merit will be doubled by the other lesson that Religion flourishes in greater purity, without than with the aid of Govt."[26] Madison's original draft of the Bill of Rights had included provisions binding the States, as well as the Federal Government, from an establishment of religion, but the House did not pass them.[citation needed]

Jefferson's opponents said his position was the destruction and the governmental rejection of Christianity, but this was a caricature.[27] In setting up the University of Virginia, Jefferson encouraged all the separate sects to have preachers of their own, though there was a constitutional ban on the State supporting a Professorship of Divinity, arising from his own Virginia Statute for Religious Freedom.[28] Some have argued that this arrangement was "fully compatible with Jefferson's views on the separation of church and state;"[29] however, others point to Jefferson's support for a scheme in which students at the university would attend religious worship each morning as evidence that his views were not consistent with strict separation.[30] Still other scholars, such as Mark David Hall, attempt to sidestep the whole issue by arguing that American jurisprudence focuses too narrowly on this one Jeffersonian letter while failing to account for other relevant history[31]

Jefferson's letter entered American jurisprudence in the 1878 Mormon polygamy case Reynolds v. U.S., in which the court cited Jefferson and Madison, seeking a legal definition for the word religion. Writing for the majority, Justice Stephen Johnson Field cited Jefferson's Letter to the Danbury Baptists to state that "Congress was deprived of all legislative power over mere opinion, but was left free to reach actions which were in violation of social duties or subversive of good order."[32] Considering this, the court ruled that outlawing polygamy was constitutional.
Patrick Henry, Massachusetts, and Connecticut

Jefferson and Madison's approach was not the only one taken in the eighteenth century. Jefferson's Statute of Religious Freedom was drafted in opposition to a bill, chiefly supported by Patrick Henry, which would permit any Virginian to belong to any denomination, but which would require him to belong to some denomination and pay taxes to support it. Similarly, the Constitution of Massachusetts originally provided that "no subject shall be hurt, molested, or restrained, in his person, liberty, or estate, for worshipping God in the manner and season most agreeable to the dictates of his own conscience... provided he doth not disturb the public peace, or obstruct others in their religious worship," (Article II) but also that:

the people of this commonwealth have a right to invest their legislature with power to authorize and require, and the legislature shall, from time to time, authorize and require, the several towns, parishes, precincts, and other bodies politic, or religious societies, to make suitable provision, at their own expense, for the institution of the public worship of God, and for the support and maintenance of public Protestant teachers of piety, religion and morality, in all cases where such provision shall not be made voluntarily. And the people of this commonwealth have also a right to, and do, invest their legislature with authority to enjoin upon all the subjects an attendance upon the instructions of the public teachers aforesaid, at stated times and seasons, if there be any on whose instructions they can conscientiously and conveniently attend. (Article III)

Since, in practice, this meant that the decision of who was taxable for a particular religion rested in the hands of the selectmen, usually Congregationalists, this system was open to abuse. It was abolished in 1833. The intervening period is sometimes referred to as an "establishment of religion" in Massachusetts.

The Duke of York had required that every community in his new lands of New York and New Jersey support some church, but this was more often Dutch Reformed, Quaker or Presbyterian, than Anglican. Some chose to support more than one church. He also ordained that the tax-payers were free, having paid his local tax, to choose their own church. The terms for the surrender of New Amsterdam had provided that the Dutch would have liberty of conscience, and the Duke, as an openly divine-right Catholic, was no friend of Anglicanism. The first Anglican minister in New Jersey arrived in 1698, though Anglicanism was more popular in New York.[33]

Connecticut had a real establishment of religion. Its citizens did not adopt a constitution at the Revolution, but rather amended their Charter to remove all references to the British Government. As a result, the Congregational Church continued to be established, and Yale College, at that time a Congregational institution, received grants from the State until Connecticut adopted a constitution in 1818 partly because of this issue.
Test acts

The absence of an establishment of religion did not necessarily imply that all men were free to hold office. Most colonies had a Test Act, and several states retained them for a short time. This stood in contrast to the Federal Constitution, which explicitly prohibits the employment of any religious test for Federal office, and which through the Fourteenth Amendment later extended this prohibition to the States.

For example, the New Jersey Constitution of 1776 provides liberty of conscience in much the same language as Massachusetts (similarly forbidding payment of "taxes, tithes or other payments" contrary to conscience). It then provides:

That there shall be no establishment of any one religious sect in this Province, in preference to another; and that no Protestant inhabitant of this Colony shall be denied the enjoyment of any civil right, merely on account of his religious principles; but that all persons, professing a belief in the faith of any Protestant sect, who shall demean themselves peaceably under the government, as hereby established, shall be capable of being elected into any office of profit or trust, or being a member of either branch of the Legislature, and shall fully and freely enjoy every privilege and immunity, enjoyed by others their fellow subjects.[34]

This would permit a Test Act, but did not require one.

The original charter of the Province of East Jersey had restricted membership in the Assembly to Christians; the Duke of York was fervently Catholic, and the proprietors of Perth Amboy, New Jersey were Scottish Catholic peers. The Province of West Jersey had declared, in 1681, that there should be no religious test for office. An oath had also been imposed on the militia during the French and Indian War requiring them to abjure the pretensions of the Pope, which may or may not have been applied during the Revolution. That law was replaced by 1799.

The Pennsylvania Constitution of 1776 provided:

And each member, before he takes his seat, shall make and subscribe the following declaration, viz:

I do believe in one God, the creator and governor of the universe, the rewarder of the good and the punisher of the wicked. And I do acknowledge the Scriptures of the Old and New Testament to be given by Divine inspiration.

And no further or other religious test shall ever hereafter be required of any civil officer or magistrate in this State.

Again, it provided in general that all tax-paying freemen and their sons shall be able to vote, and that no "man, who acknowledges the being of a God, be justly deprived or abridged of any civil right as a citizen, on account of his religious sentiments or peculiar mode of religious worship."
The U.S. Constitution
Article 6

Article Six of the United States Constitution provides that "no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States". Prior to the adoption of the Bill of Rights, this was the only mention of religion in the Constitution.
The First Amendment

The first amendment to the US Constitution states "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof" The two parts, known as the "establishment clause" and the "free exercise clause" respectively, form the textual basis for the Supreme Court's interpretations of the "separation of church and state" doctrine.[35] Three central concepts were derived from the 1st Amendment which became America's doctrine for church-state separation: no coercion in religious matters, no expectation to support a religion against one's will, and religious liberty encompasses all religions. In sum, citizens are free to embrace or reject a faith, any support for religion - financial or physical - must be voluntary, and all religions are equal in the eyes of the law with no special preference or favoritism.[36]

The First Congress' deliberations show that its understanding of the separation of church and state differed sharply from that of their contemporaries in Europe.[citation needed] As 19th century Union Theological Seminary historian Philip Schaff observed:

The American separation of church and state rests upon respect for the church; the [European anticlerical] separation, on indifference and hatred of the church, and of religion itself…. The constitution did not create a nation, nor its religion and institutions. It found them already existing, and was framed for the purpose of protecting them under a republican form of government, in a rule of the people, by the people, and for the people.[citation needed]

An August 15, 1789 entry in Madison's papers indicates he intended for the establishment clause to prevent the government imposition of religious beliefs on individuals. The entry says: "Mr. Madison said he apprehended the meaning of the words to be, that Congress should not establish a religion, and enforce the legal observation of it by law, nor compel men to worship God in any manner contrary to their conscience. ..."[37]

Some legal scholars, such as John Baker of LSU, theorize that Madison's initial proposed language—that Congress should make no law regarding the establishment of a "national religion"—was rejected by the House, in favor of the more general "religion" in an effort to appease the Anti-Federalists. To both the Anti-Federalists and the Federalists, the very word "national" was a cause for alarm because of the experience under the British crown.[38] During the debate over the establishment clause, Rep. Elbridge Gerry of Massachusetts took issue with Madison's language regarding whether the government was a national or federal government (in which the states retained their individual sovereignty), which Baker suggests compelled Madison to withdraw his language from the debate.

Following the argument between Madison and Gerry, Rep. Samuel Livermore of New Hampshire proposed language stating that, "Congress shall make no laws touching religion or the rights of conscience." This raised an uproar from members, such as Rep. Benjamin Huntingdon of Connecticut and Rep. Peter Sylvester of New York, who worried the language could be used to harm religious practice.

Others, such as Rep. Roger Sherman of Connecticut, believed the clause was unnecessary because the original Constitution only gave Congress stated powers, which did not include establishing a national religion. Anti-Federalists such as Rep. Thomas Tucker of South Carolina moved to strike the establishment clause completely because it could preempt the religious clauses in the state constitutions. However, the Anti-Federalists were unsuccessful in persuading the House of Representatives to drop the clause from the first amendment.

The Senate went through several more narrowly targeted versions before reaching the contemporary language. One version read, "Congress shall make no law establishing one religious sect or society in preference to others, nor shall freedom of conscience be infringed," while another read, "Congress shall make no law establishing one particular religious denomination in preference to others." Ultimately, the Senate rejected the more narrowly targeted language.

At the time of the passage of the Bill of Rights, many states acted in ways that would now be held unconstitutional. All of the early official state churches were disestablished by 1833 (Massachusetts), including the Congregationalist establishment in Connecticut. It is commonly accepted that, under the doctrine of Incorporation—which uses the Due Process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to hold the Bill of Rights applicable to the states—these state churches could not be reestablished today.

Yet the provisions of state constitutions protected religious liberty, particularly the so-called freedom on conscience. During the nineteenth century (and before the incorporation of the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution through the Fourteenth Amendment), litigants turned to these provisions to challenge Sunday laws (blue laws), bible-reading in schools, and other ostensibly religious regulations.[39]
The 14th Amendment
See also: Cantwell v. Connecticut

The Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution (Amendment XIV) is one of the post-Civil War amendments, intended to secure rights for former slaves. It includes the due process and equal protection clauses among others. The amendment introduces the concept of incorporation of all relevant federal rights against the states. While it has not been fully implemented, the doctrine of incorporation has been used to ensure, through the Due Process Clause and Privileges and Immunities Clause, the application of most of the rights enumerated in the Bill of Rights to the states.

The incorporation of the First Amendment establishment clause in the landmark case of Everson v. Board of Education has impacted the subsequent interpretation of the separation of church and state in regard to the state governments.[40] Although upholding the state law in that case, which provided for public busing to private religious schools, the Supreme Court held that the First Amendment establishment clause was fully applicable to the state governments. A more recent case involving the application of this principle against the states was Board of Education of Kiryas Joel Village School District v. Grumet (1994).
The "Separation" principle and the Supreme Court

Jefferson's concept of "separation of church and state" first became a part of Establishment Clause jurisprudence in Reynolds v. U.S., 98 U.S. 145 (1878).[41] In that case, the court examined the history of religious liberty in the US, determining that while the constitution guarantees religious freedom, "The word 'religion' is not defined in the Constitution. We must go elsewhere, therefore, to ascertain its meaning, and nowhere more appropriately, we think, than to the history of the times in the midst of which the provision was adopted." The court found that the leaders in advocating and formulating the constitutional guarantee of religious liberty were James Madison and Thomas Jefferson. Quoting the "separation" paragraph from Jefferson's letter to the Danbury Baptists, the court concluded that, "coming as this does from an acknowledged leader of the advocates of the measure, it may be accepted almost as an authoritative declaration of the scope and effect of the amendment thus secured."

The centrality of the "separation" concept to the Religion Clauses of the Constitution was made explicit in Everson v. Board of Education, 330 U.S. 1 (1947), a case dealing with a New Jersey law that allowed government funds to pay for transportation of students to both public and Catholic schools. This was the first case in which the court applied the Establishment Clause to the laws of a state, having interpreted the due process clause of the Fourteenth Amendment as applying the Bill of Rights to the states as well as the federal legislature. Citing Jefferson, the court concluded that "The First Amendment has erected a wall between church and state. That wall must be kept high and impregnable. We could not approve the slightest breach."

While the decision (with four dissents) ultimately upheld the state law allowing the funding of transportation of students to religious schools, the majority opinion (by Justice Hugo Black) and the dissenting opinions (by Justice Wiley Blount Rutledge and Justice Robert H. Jackson) each explicitly stated that the Constitution has erected a "wall between church and state" or a "separation of Church from State": their disagreement was limited to whether this case of state funding of transportation to religious schools breached that wall. Rutledge, on behalf of the four dissenting justices, took the position that the majority had indeed permitted a violation of the wall of separation in this case: "Neither so high nor so impregnable today as yesterday is the wall raised between church and state by Virginia's great statute of religious freedom and the First Amendment, now made applicable to all the states by the Fourteenth." Writing separately, Justice Jackson argued that "[T]here are no good grounds upon which to support the present legislation. In fact, the undertones of the opinion, advocating complete and uncompromising separation of Church from State, seem utterly discordant with its conclusion yielding support to their commingling in educational matters."

In 1962, the Supreme Court addressed the issue of officially sponsored prayer or religious recitations in public schools. In Engel v. Vitale, 370 U.S. 421 (1962), the Court, by a vote of 6-1, determined it unconstitutional for state officials to compose an official school prayer and require its recitation in public schools, even when the prayer is non-denominational and students may excuse themselves from participation. (The prayer required by the New York State Board of Regents prior to the Court's decision consisted of: "Almighty God, we acknowledge our dependence upon Thee, and we beg Thy blessings upon us, our parents, our teachers, and our country. Amen.") As the Court stated:

The petitioners contend, among other things, that the state laws requiring or permitting use of the Regents' prayer must be struck down as a violation of the Establishment Clause because that prayer was composed by governmental officials as a part of a governmental program to further religious beliefs. For this reason, petitioners argue, the State's use of the Regents' prayer in its public school system breaches the constitutional wall of separation between Church and State. We agree with that contention, since we think that the constitutional prohibition against laws respecting an establishment of religion must at least mean that, in this country, it is no part of the business of government to compose official prayers for any group of the American people to recite as a part of a religious program carried on by government.

The court noted that it "is a matter of history that this very practice of establishing governmentally composed prayers for religious services was one of the reasons which caused many of our early colonists to leave England and seek religious freedom in America."[42] The lone dissenter, Justice Potter Stewart, objected to the court's embrace of the "wall of separation" metaphor: "I think that the Court's task, in this as in all areas of constitutional adjudication, is not responsibly aided by the uncritical invocation of metaphors like the "wall of separation," a phrase nowhere to be found in the Constitution."

In Epperson v. Arkansas, 393 U.S. 97 (1968), the Supreme Court considered an Arkansas law that made it a crime "to teach the theory or doctrine that mankind ascended or descended from a lower order of animals," or "to adopt or use in any such institution a textbook that teaches" this theory in any school or university that received public funds. The court's opinion, written by Justice Abe Fortas, ruled that the Arkansas law violated "the constitutional prohibition of state laws respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof. The overriding fact is that Arkansas' law selects from the body of knowledge a particular segment which it proscribes for the sole reason that it is deemed to conflict with a particular religious doctrine; that is, with a particular interpretation of the Book of Genesis by a particular religious group." The court held that the Establishment Clause prohibits the state from advancing any religion, and that "[T]he state has no legitimate interest in protecting any or all religions from views distasteful to them." [43]
Justice Sandra Day O'Connor

Those who would renegotiate the boundaries between church and state must therefore answer a difficult question: Why would we trade a system that has served us so well for one that has served others so poorly?
Justice Sandra Day O'Connor in her opinion on the 2005 Ten Commandments ruling.[44]

In Lemon v. Kurtzman, 403 U.S. 602 (1971), the court determined that a Pennsylvania state policy of reimbursing the salaries and related costs of teachers of secular subjects in private religious schools violated the Establishment Clause. The court's decision argued that the separation of church and state could never be absolute: "Our prior holdings do not call for total separation between church and state; total separation is not possible in an absolute sense. Some relationship between government and religious organizations is inevitable," the court wrote. "Judicial caveats against entanglement must recognize that the line of separation, far from being a "wall," is a blurred, indistinct, and variable barrier depending on all the circumstances of a particular relationship."

Subsequent to this decision, the Supreme Court has applied a three-pronged test to determine whether government action comports with the Establishment Clause, known as the "Lemon Test". First, the law or policy must have been adopted with a neutral or non-religious purpose. Second, the principle or primary effect must be one that neither advances nor inhibits religion. Third, the statute or policy must not result in an "excessive entanglement" of government with religion.[45] (The decision in Lemon v. Kurtzman hinged upon the conclusion that the government benefits were flowing disproportionately to Catholic schools, and that Catholic schools were an integral component of the Catholic Church's religious mission, thus the policy involved the state in an "excessive entanglement" with religion.) Failure to meet any of these criteria is a proof that the statute or policy in question violates the Establishment Clause.

In 2002, a three judge panel on the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals held that classroom recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance in a California public school was unconstitutional, even when students were not compelled to recite it, due to the inclusion of the phrase "under God." In reaction to the case, Elk Grove Unified School District v. Newdow, both houses of Congress passed measures reaffirming their support for the pledge, and condemning the panel's ruling.[46] The case was appealed to the Supreme Court, where the case was ultimately overturned in June 2004, solely on procedural grounds not related to the substantive constitutional issue. Rather, a five-justice majority held that Newdow, a non-custodial parent suing on behalf of his daughter, lacked standing to sue.

When the Louisiana state legislature passed a law requiring public school biology teachers to give Creationism and Evolution equal time in the classroom, the Supreme Court ruled that the law was unconstitutional because it was intended to advance a particular religion, and did not serve the secular purpose of improved scientific education.[47] (See also: Creation and evolution in public education)

The display of the Ten Commandments as part of courthouse displays was considered in a group of cases decided in summer of 2005, including McCreary County v. ACLU of Kentucky and Van Orden v. Perry. While parties on both sides hoped for a reformulation or clarification of the Lemon test, the two rulings ended with narrow 5–4 and opposing decisions,[vague] with Justice Stephen Breyer the swing vote.

On December 20, 2005, the United States Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit ruled in the case of ACLU v. Mercer County that the continued display of the Ten Commandments as part of a larger display on American legal traditions in a Kentucky courthouse was allowed, because the purpose of the display (educating the public on American legal traditions) was secular in nature.[48] In ruling on the Mount Soledad cross controversy on May 3, 2006, however, a federal judge ruled that the cross on public property on Mount Soledad must be removed.[49]

In what will be the case is Town of Greece v. Galloway, 12-696, the Supreme Court agreed to hear a case regarding whether prayers at town meetings, which are allowed, must allow various faiths to lead prayer, or whether the prayers can be predominately Christian.[50] On May 5, 2014, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in favor of the Town of Greece by holding that the U.S. Constitution not only allows for prayer at government meetings, but also for sectarian prayers like predominately Christian prayers.[51]
Madalyn Murray O'Hair's 1963 lawsuit led to an end of mandatory prayer in public schools after the Supreme Court declared it unconstitutional.
The Treaty of Tripoli
Main article: Treaty of Tripoli

In 1797, the United States Senate ratified a treaty with Tripoli that stated in Article 11:

As the Government of the United States of America is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion; as it has in itself no character of enmity against the laws, religion, or tranquillity, of Mussulmen; and, as the said States never entered into any war, or act of hostility against any Mahometan nation, it is declared by the parties, that no pretext arising from religious opinions, shall ever produce an interruption of the harmony existing between the two countries.[52]

Interpretive controversies

Some scholars and organizations disagree with the notion of "separation of church and state", or the way the Supreme Court has interpreted the constitutional limitation on religious establishment.[53] Such critics generally argue that the phrase misrepresents the textual requirements of the Constitution, while noting that many aspects of church and state were intermingled at the time the Constitution was ratified. These critics argue that the prevalent degree of separation of church and state could not have been intended by the constitutional framers. Some of the intermingling between church and state include religious references in official contexts, and such other founding documents as the United States Declaration of Independence, which references the idea of a "Creator" and "Nature's God", though these references did not ultimately appear in the Constitution nor do they mention any particular religious view of a "Creator" or "Nature's God."

These critics of the modern separation of church and state also note the official establishment of religion in several of the states at the time of ratification, to suggest that the modern incorporation of the Establishment Clause as to state governments goes against the original constitutional intent.[citation needed] The issue is complex, however, as the incorporation ultimately bases on the passage of the 14th Amendment in 1868, at which point the first amendment's application to the state government was recognized.[54] Many of these constitutional debates relate to the competing interpretive theories of originalism versus modern, progressivist theories such as the doctrine of the Living Constitution. Other debates center on the principle of the law of the land in America being defined not just by the Constitution's Supremacy Clause, but also by legal precedence, making an accurate reading of the Constitution subject to the mores and values of a given era, and rendering the concept of historical revisionism irrelevant when discussing the Constitution.
Ten commandments monument at a Minnesota courthouse.

The "religious test" clause has been interpreted to cover both elected officials and appointed ones, career civil servants as well as political appointees. Religious beliefs or the lack of them have therefore not been permissible tests or qualifications with regard to federal employees since the ratification of the Constitution. Seven states, however, have language included in their Bill of Rights, Declaration of Rights, or in the body of their constitutions that require state office-holders to have particular religious beliefs, though some of these have been successfully challenged in court. These states are Texas, Massachusetts, Maryland, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, and Tennessee.[55]

The required beliefs of these clauses include belief in a Supreme Being and belief in a future state of rewards and punishments. (Tennessee Constitution Article IX, Section 2 is one such example.) Some of these same states specify that the oath of office include the words "so help me God." In some cases these beliefs (or oaths) were historically required of jurors and witnesses in court. At one time, such restrictions were allowed under the doctrine of states' rights; today they are deemed to be in violation of the federal First Amendment, as applied to the states via the 14th amendment, and hence unconstitutional and unenforceable.

While sometimes questioned as possible violations of separation, the appointment of official chaplains for government functions, voluntary prayer meetings at the Department of Justice outside of duty hours, voluntary prayer at meals in U.S. armed forces, inclusion of the (optional) phrase "so help me God" in the oaths for many elected offices, FBI agents, etc., have been held not to violate the First Amendment, since they fall within the realm of free exercise of religion.[citation needed]

Relaxed zoning rules and special parking privileges for churches, the tax-free status of church property, the fact that Christmas is a federal holiday, etc., have also been questioned, but have been considered examples of the governmental prerogative in deciding practical and beneficial arrangements for the society. The national motto "In God We Trust" has been challenged as a violation, but the Supreme Court has ruled that ceremonial deism is not religious in nature. A circuit court ruling affirmed Ohio's right to use as its motto a passage from the Bible, "With God, all things are possible", because it displayed no preference for a particular religion.[56]

Jeffries and Ryan (2001) argue that the modern concept of separation of church and state dates from the mid-twentieth century rulings of the Supreme Court. The central point, they argue, was a constitutional ban against aid to religious schools, followed by a later ban on religious observance in public education. Jeffries and Ryan argue that these two propositions—that public aid should not go to religious schools and that public schools should not be religious—make up the separationist position of the modern Establishment Clause.

Jeffries and Ryan argue that no-aid position drew support from a coalition of separationist opinion. Most important was "the pervasive secularism that came to dominate American public life," which sought to confine religion to a private sphere. Further, the ban against government aid to religious schools was supported before 1970 by most Protestants (and most Jews), who opposed aid to religious schools, which were mostly Catholic at the time. After 1980, however, anti-Catholic sentiment has diminished among mainline Protestants, and the crucial coalition of public secularists and Protestant churches has collapsed. While mainline Protestant denominations are more inclined towards strict separation of church and state, much evangelical opinion has now largely deserted that position. As a consequence, strict separationism is opposed today by members of many Protestant faiths, even perhaps eclipsing the opposition of Roman Catholics.[citation needed]

Critics of the modern concept of the "separation of church and state" argue that it is untethered to anything in the text of the constitution and is contrary to the conception of the phrase as the Founding Fathers understood it. Philip Hamburger, Columbia Law school professor and prominent critic of the modern understanding of the concept, maintains that the modern concept, which deviates from the constitutional establishment clause jurisprudence, is rooted in American anti-Catholicism and Nativism.[citation needed] Briefs before the Supreme Court, including by the U.S. government, have argued that some state constitutional amendments relating to the modern conception of separation of church and state (Blaine Amendments) were motivated by and intended to enact anti-Catholicism.[57]

J. Brent Walker, Executive Director of the Baptist Joint Committee, responded to Hamburger's claims noting; "The fact that the separation of church and state has been supported by some who exhibited an anti-Catholic animus or a secularist bent does not impugn the validity of the principle. Champions of religious liberty have argued for the separation of church and state for reasons having nothing to do with anti-Catholicism or desire for a secular culture. Of course, separationists have opposed the Catholic Church when it has sought to tap into the public till to support its parochial schools or to argue for on-campus released time in the public schools. But that principled debate on the issues does not support a charge of religious bigotry"[58]

Steven Waldman notes that; "The evangelicals provided the political muscle for the efforts of Madison and Jefferson, not merely because they wanted to block official churches but because they wanted to keep the spiritual and secular worlds apart." "Religious freedom resulted from an alliance of unlikely partners," writes the historian Frank Lambert in his book The Founding Fathers and the Place of Religion in America. "New Light evangelicals such as Isaac Bachus and John Leland joined forces with Deists and skeptics such as James Madison and Thomas Jefferson to fight for a complete separation of church and state."[59]
Politics and religion in the United States

Robert N. Bellah has in his writings that although the separation of church and state is grounded firmly in the constitution of the United States, this does not mean that there is no religious dimension in the political society of the United States. He used the term "Civil Religion" to describe the specific relation between politics and religion in the United States. His 1967 article analyzes the inaugural speech of John F. Kennedy: "Considering the separation of church and state, how is a president justified in using the word 'God' at all? The answer is that the separation of church and state has not denied the political realm a religious dimension."[60]

Robert S. Wood has argued that the United States is a model for the world in terms of how a separation of church and state—no state-run or state-established church—is good for both the church and the state, allowing a variety of religions to flourish.[61] Speaking at the Toronto-based Center for New Religions, Wood said that the freedom of conscience and assembly allowed under such a system has led to a "remarkable religiosity" in the United States that isn't present in other industrialized nations.[61] Wood believes that the U.S. operates on "a sort of civic religion," which includes a generally shared belief in a creator who "expects better of us." Beyond that, individuals are free to decide how they want to believe and fill in their own creeds and express their conscience. He calls this approach the "genius of religious sentiment in the United States."[61]
See also

Americans United for Separation of Church and State
American Civil Liberties Union
American Humanist Association
Anti-clericalism
Ban on Sharia law
Ceremonial deism
Christian amendment
Christian Left
Christian Right
Freedom From Religion Foundation
Freedom of religion in the United States
Interfaith Alliance
Johnson Amendment
Mount Soledad cross controversy
Pledge of Allegiance
Criticism of the Pledge of Allegiance
Public menorah
Separation of church and state
Sharia
State religion
United States religious history

References

Jefferson, Thomas. Jefferson's Letter to the Danbury Baptists: The Final Letter, as Sent. The Library of Congress Information Bulletin: June 1998. Lib. of Cong., June 1998. Web. Aug 7, 2010.
Jefferson's Danbury letter has been cited favorably by the Supreme Court several times.
See Lynch v. Donnelly, 465 U.S. 668, 673 (1984) ("The concept of a 'wall' of separation is a useful figure of speech probably deriving from views of Thomas Jefferson. ... [b]ut the metaphor itself is not a wholly accurate description of the practical aspects of the relationship that in fact exists between church and state.")[1]
Committee for Public Education & Religious Liberty v. Nyquist, 413 U.S. 756, 760 (1973) ("Yet, despite Madison's admonition and the 'sweep of the absolute prohibitions' of the Clauses, this Nation's history has not been one of entirely sanitized separation between Church and State. It has never been thought either possible or desirable to enforce a regime of total separation.")[2]
Zorach v. Clauson, 343 U.S. 306, 312 (U.S. 1952) ("The First Amendment, however, does not say that in every and all respects there shall be a separation of Church and State.").
Lemon v. Kurtzman, 403 U.S. 602 (1971) ("Our prior holdings do not call for total separation between church and state; total separation is not possible in an absolute sense.")
The Cousins' Wars, Kevin Phillips, 1999
"Rights of the People: Individual freedom and the Bill of Rights". US State Department. December 2003. Retrieved 2007-04-06.
Article VI of the North Carolina state constitution
"Remonstrance of the Inhabitants of the Town of Flushing to Governor Stuyvesant", Dec 27, 1657.
"Drawing the Line Between Church and State", CBS News, Dec 23, 2007.
Library of Congress. "To Bigotry No Sanction". American Treasures of the Library of Congress. Retrieved 2007-02-07.
"Mr. Cotton's Letter Lately Printed, Examined and Answered," The Complete Writings of Roger Williams, Volume 1, page 108 (1644).
Feldman, Noah (2005). Divided by God. Farrar, Straus and Giroux, p. 24 ("Williams's metaphor was rediscovered by Isaac Backus, a New England Baptist of Jefferson's generation, who believed, like Williams, that an established church—which he considered to exist in the Massachusetts of his day—would never protect religious dissenters like himself and must be opposed in order to keep religion pure.")
To Messrs. Nehemiah Dodge and Others, a Committee of the Danbury Baptist Association, in the State of Connecticut. January 1, 1802. Full text available online.
Danbury Baptist Association's letter to Thomas Jefferson, October 7, 1801. Full text available online.
Official Letters of the Governors of the State of Virginia (Virginia State Library, 1928), Vol. II, pp. 64–66, November 11, 1779.
Lee v. Weisman, 505 U.S. 577 (1992) (Souter, J., concurring)("President Jefferson, for example, steadfastly refused to issue Thanksgiving proclamations of any kind, in part because he thought they violated the Religion Clauses.")
James D. Richardson, A Compilation of the Messages and Papers of the Presidents (Washington: Bureau of National Literature, 1897), Vol. II, pp. 498, 517–518, 543, 545–546.
James Madison's veto messages
Religion and the Founding of the American Republic; Library of Congress exhibit website. Retrieved 2007-02-07
James Madison, Memorial and Remonstrance against Religious Assessments
(March 2, 1819 letter to Robert Walsh), Lambert, Frank (2003). "The founding fathers and the place of religion in America". Princeton University Press: 288. ISBN 978-0-691-08829-7.
James Madison. "Monopolies Perpetuities Corporations—Ecclesiastical Endowments". constitution.org. Retrieved 2008-06-16.
(1811 letter to Baptist Churches)
Madison's letter to Edward Livingston, July 10, 1822
See Morison and Commager, vol I
Jefferson's letter to Thomas Cooper, November 2, 1822
Dumas Malone, Jefferson and His Times, 6, 393
Ashley M. Bell, "God Save this Honorable Court": How Current Establishment Clause Jurisprudence can be Reconciled with the Secularization of Historical Religious Expressions, 50 Am. U.L. Rev. 1273, 1282 n.49 (2001) [3]
Hall, Mark David. "Jeffersonian Walls and Madisonian Lines: The Supreme Court's Use of History in Religion Clause Cases." Oregon Law Review 85 (2006), 563–614
Reynolds v. U.S., 98 U.S. 145 (1878)
The Story of New Jersey; ed., William Starr Myers (1945) Vol. II, chapter 4
Article XIX, italics added.
Paschal, George (2007-03-23) [1868]. The Constitution of the United States Defined and Carefully Annotated. W.H.& O.H. Morrison Law Booksellers. p. 254.
Boston, Rob (2012). "A Delicate Balance". Conscience. 33 (2): 12–16. Retrieved 2014-11-19.
The Founders' Constitution Volume 5, Amendment I (Religion), Document 53. The University of Chicago Press. Retrieved 2007-08-09.
Forgotten Purposes of the First Amendment Religion Clauses Gary D. Glenn. The Review of Politics, Vol. 49, No. 3 (Summer, 1987), pp. 340–367.
Kyle G. Volk, Moral Minorities and the Making of American Democracy (Oxford University Press, 2014)
Everson v. Board of Education, 330 U.S. 1 (1947).
REYNOLDS v. U.S., 98 U.S. 145 (1878) 98 U.S. 145
Engel v. Vitale, 370 U.S. 421 (1962)
EPPERSON v. ARKANSAS, 393 U.S. 97 (1968)
Sandra Day O'Connor (June 27, 2005). "McCreary County vs. American Civil Liberties Union of Kentucky". Legal Information Institute, Cornell university Law Department. Retrieved 2012-09-13.
Lemon v. Kurtzman, 403 U.S. 602, 612–613, 91 S.Ct. 2105, 2111, 29 L.Ed.2d 745 (1971).
Senate Pledges Allegiance Under God. Fox News, Thursday, June 27, 2002
482 U.S. 578 (Text of opinion in Edwards v. Aguillard from Findlaw.com)
"US federal court rejects separation of church and state". Catholic World News. 2005-12-22. Retrieved 2007-02-07.
Onell R. Soto, City has 90 days to remove Mt. Soledad cross, The San Diego Union-Tribune, May 4, 2006, p. A1.
June, Daniel, "Supreme Court to Hear Case About Public Prayers"
Lauren Markoe And Cathy Lynn Grossman (May 5, 2014). "Supreme Court approves sectarian prayer at public meetings". The Washington Post. Retrieved May 8, 2014.
See Wikipedia article: Treaty of Tripoli
Ed Whelan, This Week in Liberal Judicial Activism—Week of February 5, National Review Online. February 5, 2007
Thomas White (2007). First Freedom: The Baptist Perspective on Religious Liberty. B&H Publishing Group. p. 107. ISBN 978-0-8054-4387-5.
"Religious discrimination in state constitutions". ReligiousTolerance.org. Retrieved 2007-02-07.
American Civil Liberties Union of Ohio and The Rev. Matthew Peterson v. Capitol Square Review & Advisory Board, 243 F.3d 289 (6th Cir. 2001).
LOCKE V. DAVEY 540 U.S. 712 (2004)
Book Review: Separation of Church and State
The Framers and the Faithful: How modern evangelicals are ignoring their own history. By Steven Waldman
Bellah, Robert Neelly (Winter 1967). "Civil Religion in America". Journal of the American Academy of Arts and Sciences. 96 (1): 1–21. Archived from the original on 2005-03-06. From the issue entitled Religion in America.

Farmer, Molly (June 15, 2009), "U.S. is a model of how variety of religions can flourish", Deseret News

Bibliography

Barry McGowan, How to Separate Church & State: A Manual from the Trenches Hufton Mueller, LLC, 2012 ISBN 978-0-615-63802-7
Philip Hamburger, Separation of Church and State Harvard University Press, 2002. ISBN 0-674-00734-4 OCLC: 48958015
Marci A. Hamilton, God vs. the Gavel: Religion and the Rule of Law, Cambridge University Press, 2005, ISBN 0-521-85304-4
Mark DeWolfe Howe. The Garden and the Wilderness: Religion and Government in American Constitutional History(U. of Chicago Press, 1965)
Daniel L. Dreisbach. Thomas Jefferson and the Wall of Separation Between Church and State(New York University Press, 2003)
Daniel L. Dreisbach and Mark David Hall. The Sacred Rights of Conscience: Selected Readings on Religious Liberty and Church-State Relations in the American Founding (Indianapolis: Liberty Fund Press, 2009)
Daniel L. Dreisbach, Mark David Hall, and Jeffry Morrison. The Forgotten Founders on Religion and Public Life (Notre Dame: University of Notre Dame Press, 2009)
John C. Jeffries, Jr. and James E. Ryan, "A Political History of the Establishment Clause," 100 Michigan Law Rev. (2001) online version
Mark David Hall, "Jeffersonian Walls and Madisonian Lines: The Supreme Court's Use of History in Religion Clause Cases," 85 Oregon Law Review (2006), 563-614. law.uoregon.edu/org/olr/archives/85/8…
Isaac Kramnick and R. Laurence Moore, The Godless Constitution: The Case Against Religious Correctness (Norton, 1996)
Philip B. Kurland, ed., Church and State: The Supreme Court and the First Amendment (U. of Chicago Press, 1975)
Adam M. Samaha; "Separation of Church and State." Constitutional Commentary. 19#3 2002. pp 713+. online version
Anson P. Stokes and Leo Pfeffer, Church and Stare in the United States (reprint, 1964)
Kyle G. Volk, Moral Minorities and the Making of American Democracy (Oxford University Press, 2014)

It should be noted that the acolyte did not have an internet connection. What the fuck, man?
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Winds swirled around the tower. If you could even call it a tower. It was a hulking monstrosity, an obelisk dedicated towards the destruction of all that is good and pure in the world. It is made out of the bodies and souls of the workers who were unfortunate enough to be enslaved by it's creator. Inside, on all 113 floors, creatures from other planes roamed, fighting and consuming one another. The most intelligent of the bunch constructed puzzles in which to trap others. It was a constant circle of death and rebirth thanks to what lie at the top of this construct: The Dodecahedron of Sorrow. It is said to be a crystallized piece of the original evil, and it powers the runes that surround the tower. Nobody knows the limits or extents of its abilities. Hopefully, those abilities shall never be pushed to the limit, for the sake of all that is holy. At the top stood the builder of the obelisk, Eddy Murphy, a wizard of unbelievable power. Suddenly, the clock that was stored on floor number 62 rang out. It was 13:00 PMAM, the true witching hour. Dark spirits of long gone eras converged at the top of the tower. Mr. Bean, Mr. Ed, and the worst of the bunch, Mr. Magoo. The trio known as the Misters of Malfortuneatiousness, were there to assist the Murphster in summoning the greatest evil of all, one without a name. They all put their hands on the Dodecahedron. Energy swirled around them. Suddenly, a dodecagram appeared on the floor beneath them. They all jumped back, and not a moment too soon, for almost instantly green flames erupted from said dodecagram, the Dodecagram of Sorrow. A monstrous form apparated. It was oblong, tall, and evil. It had four limbs, and a face that could be likened to a human after a horrible accident. The eyes were red, and the lips and teeth of the mouth a crusty yellow. The worst part of all, however, was it's skin. The skin was the same color as boiled spinach, and seemed to be alive of it's own accord. Truly, they had summoned the ultimate evil, the evil to conclude all evil, and the one who would eventually help them "get kid" (A term that has magical origins but was bastardized by normies) Yes, they had summoned


G͘͡҉͎̺̪̠͕U͔͍̲͕̼̯M̸̟B҉̪̫͚̱̘̱Y̜͈̣̖


His friends call him Gumby. Not like he has any friends.
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Today, a full day after the battle of today had begun, the battle of today continued. Throughout the night, strobe lights bathed the streets and the walls of the buildings, as the jolly crusaders fought in their epic struggle against the alien invaders. The sound of the battle roared throughout the city of walls upon walls upon walls upon walls upon walls upon walls upon walls upon etc. It sounded something like this:


Terrifyingly gruesome, that. Sounds like a horde of angelic choirs being slapped lightly with a tuna-cat sandwich, one by one, until the very last to be slapped with the tuna-cat-bologna sandwich breaks out into a song and dance number, where there are words of rain and sunshine and happiness and sadness and anger and regret and love and murder and golf and so many other wondrous things. But then, before that last angelic choir can finish this majestic number, the peanut-butter-tuna-cat-bologna sandwich is crammed into their pants and they are left feeling really, really, awkward.

That's what it sounds like. I swear. You don't believe me? Have a listen. Go ahead. No no no, go on, I'll wait. You've wasted enough of my time already. Still don't believe me? Fine, I don't even care. Moving on!

If one looked to where the knights and aliens were engaged in epic battle of the gravest severity and seriousness, one could see that the knights were totally pwning the shit out of the illegally illegal (Isn't that a double negative?) space alien invaders in a classic Earth-style dance-off.

- What? You think they've got some sort of home-field advantage? Pfft, unlikely. This battle has been rigorously tested for bias multiple times already, all were negative. Now where was I, before I was so rudely interrupted...? Ah! Yes...

The jolly cooperating crusaders had cleared the floor as a large knight stepped forth from amidst many similarly sized knights. Wait... does that mean he's not large? Oh, no, wait - my bad - it was actually a knight among the midget brigade of crusading jolly-waggers. The little shining warrior waltzed out onto the floor, accompanied by two other knightly crusaders of similar stature, and gestured to the knight with their Blue battle standard depicting a triangle around a me gusta moon and to the knight holding the boombox, who were the same person after all. Bam, super-hero identity DISCOVERED!

Err... Anyways, the knightly DJ, let's call him "DJ", clicked a button on his boombox to switch songs to play the song that you've been hearing, and gave one hell of a badass two-eyed wink to the short-statured knights on the dance floor. Upon hearing the music change, the little bros of jolly knightingness broke out into the most masterful and amazing breakdance ever seen. So magnificent were their skills, that the eyes of all the aliens melted right out of their skulls, and down their scalp, and across their eyes, and over their toes, and then under their teeth. The battle of today would soon be won today, and if not today, then slightly after today when today is coming to and end at the end of this day, today.
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The True Terror


The jungle air was heavy and tinged with either sweat or blood. Flies buzzed around the carcasses of dead animals. Reptilian creatures not out of places in the Jurassic period roamed the mountainous region to the west. And the less said about the area formerly known as Central Park, the better. The plants there were more vicious than any Earthen warlord, future or past. New York, New York, as they say. Deep beneath the jungle's surface there were ruins. Laundromats, restaurants, cars. An entire city's worth of debris buried under 2 miles of soil. A concrete jungle no longer, one could muse.

New York was not always the hellhole it is today. At one point, wilderness. Then, almost a blink of the eye later, a bustling metropolis. It dominated the world. Every business worth their salt had their hand in the honeypot of New York. All of that came to an end soon, however. It was a muggy day. July 5th, 1989. The back alleyways were desolate. Last night was the Fourth of July, and everyone had gotten wasted. So, that humid morning, nobody heard the footsteps on the concrete sidewalk. Nobody saw the Lord of Darkness approach an abandoned apartment complex. And nobody heard him whisper, "This will do just fine...."

Ten years passed. He had embedded himself in the very id of the city, and every person, whether conscious or not, knew his name. If you spent more than a week in New York, you were under his thrall. Slowly, his cement palace grew. He gathered lieutenants, but all would betray him except for three. His most loyal companions. Soon, they would escape New York, and the world would be theirs for the taking. First, however, they needed something to announce their presence on a global scale. Something like holding the entire city of New York for ransom.

December 30th, 1999. New York as a physical location was gone, replaced by a gaping crater in the Earth. The Dark Lord and his minions had turned it into an Exclave in the very fabric of knowledge. Individuals were allowed to enter, but not to leave. Fear was instilled into the hearts of all as the landscape itself began to bend to the evil Lord's will: a reflection of his origins, some jungle in a distant dimension. Yes, it looked like soon enough the Dark Lord would conquer the world. But, all was not for naught.

A young warrior, wielding a dagger with the spite of God, spat on the Dark Lord's face. He arrived in the dead of night, and slowly made his way to the heart of the corrupt city: the complex the Dark One originally set up shop in. The battle was fierce and tense, and the whole city was destroyed in the conflict. All innocent lives were lost. But, the warrior managed to pierce the Lord's heart with his blade, rendering him into ash and stone. The Riftstrain leading to the Exclave closed, and the warrior lived out the rest of his days peacefully, knowing that the evil that had captured New York would never again terrorize innocents...




There was much commotion on the Obelisk. Gumby had been summoned, and they began to draw forth their plans to "get kid". Monsters ran, afraid. Laughter rang through the halls. Nobody noticed a small fragment of the Dodecahedron of Terror shoot up into the sky, seemingly piercing the heavens...




A lightning storm fell upon New York. The noise was almost unbearable. The torrential downpour killed the less hardy plants, and the smaller animals. Hunting would be more difficult from now on. Suddenly, a crash. A bolt of lightning hits the center of the jungle. Any bystanders would have seen a piece of glowing crystal embedded in an ancient stone statue, seemingly being absorbed by it. Another crash. And another. Suddenly, from that very spot, a huge pillar of purple energy shot up to the sky, killing all life in the jungle. When it finally vanished after radiating for two hours, all that remained was a stony wasteland covered in the ruins of Old New York. Crumbling dirt. A figure emerges. Laughter emanates. He was back




The first thing he did was unearth the source of his power: The Icosahedron of Despair. The pinnacle of his life's work, he had poured all of his resources into it, and it certainly wasn't for nothing. He felt his body absorb the evil power, but noticed some missing. He almost flew into a rage. Almost. But, he knew you must keep a cool head in the planning stages of things. He would reclaim his plundered treasure soon enough. His body flowing with arcane magics, he lifted his right hand. From the ground in the distance emerged his lieutenants. Then, they went to work, constructing a palace fit for a god in both size and grandeur. It covered the entirety of the realm, and it was manned by various homunculi and other abominations of nature. It's very existence can be considered a threat to all that is holy. But, that was no the Dark Lord's goal. He needed the full extent of his power. So, sitting on his stony throne, he motioned for two Despair Golems to go out and reclaim his lost child. "Get kid", as they say. And as they flew off, and as the lights in the room dimmed even more, the stony lips on his ashen face parted, and began to sing a tune of a time long forgotten.

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He sat upon his bed.

Outside the city burned.

He had steepled his hands.

And outside the city churned.

He was just a man.

Yet...out side the csity burned.

If a man can, than any man can do the can can.

It burned.

If the mailman delivers mail, then who is the mailman's mailman? How does he get his mail? Does he deliver his own mail?

The burning continued. There were probably screams.

If smoke had eyes, could it see?


Outside, the city burned. The burning city was on fire, the fire was on fire, the people were on fire, the fire was on people and the air was also on fire, and the fire was on ice.

If I had a girl, would she let me crack a cold one with the boys?

Maybe if there was less fire, the cold one, would still be cold. Probably not though, because your girl would not allow the boys to do crack. Oh yeah, the city is still on fire.

What?

What?

Wat?

Mmhmm

Gotcha.

There was fire, and where there was fire, there was a city, and in that city where everything burned and where burned everything a man sat, inside a building, on his bed--all of which were not aflame--and thought. The man who thought was male, and he was a mailman, or he had been before the tragedy of Today. Elsewhere in the city of walls of walls of walls of walls and walls on walls, within walls etc etc etc the Battle of Today had ended yesterday, but here...here the city was on fire and one man within the city was not on fire. He was the last man and his eyes were Red, and his clothes were colorless, his skin was colorless. He was

a man.

Around the building that was not aflame in which the non-enflamed man existed there was a shimmer in the air, as if it was shifting--which might have been the heat difference, but was probably the Transdimensionality being warped. The flame originated from this spatial riftstrain, and if one looked very closely they could read this text and maybe understand a little more.

"I," the man said.

You are wrong, the narrator said.

You see how fucking dumb you look saying shit like that?

“No, do you understand how naive you smell when you talk back to me?”

Are you fucking backsassing the narrator? I will end you.

“You are black, or gray, and so you are Grey and so you are Black, and so you are White if you are Grey, and with this you are upon my spectrum, and with this you are within my hold.”



Oh shit.

He's right. That means.... NAW BITCH, I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.

This stupid character thought I was limited to one goddamn color, hah. Think again pleb.

Think-a-fucking-gain.

You will be the color I wish of you, for even green has shades, and is thus under my purveiw. I am the Pillar of Scale, for I am the Beyonder even they are meaningless....
B e y o nd e r


It was thus from that point on that I, the narrator, fell under the night totally near completeness control of the Beyonder even they are meaningless....
B e y o nd e r.

The city was on fire, and in that flame there was heat, and heat was read by thermal sensors and thermal sensors rendered it as Red, and thus it was Red, but the Beyonder even they are meaningless....
B e y o nd e r willed it otherwise and so the fire was without color, and as the color drifted from it, so did the heat, and as the heat dissipated so too did the fire, and so too did all color within the entire city of New Hampshirestonstead.

“Fire was once Red, but it has been corrupted, it has spread as HIS influence has. I will stop him. I will stop them all, but for now my power has limits for I have taken vessel, and my vessel was taken, and so it had been got, or got got, or getted gotten, or got of the getting of gottinghamshiringottensville. I am the Beyonder even they are meaningless....
B e y o nd e r and I am White, and White is Gray, but Black is Gray, and so Gray is White and is Black and is black is White, is White is Black is Gray.”

The man stood, but his hands remained steepled before him, forming a triangle, and that triangle took greater form, expanding through the building. The ripples in dimensionality collapsed and stabilized, and then the room was empty and the city of Hampshirestonsteadsville lived again, with no memory, nor color, of what had occurred.


The Beyonder even they are meaningless....
B e y o nd e r did not step through a riftstrain as the other pillars did, he simply was.

And where he was was within the body of another man, a man who became identical to the last man that he had been, but who had before been a completely different man, a man who had had a family, a family that no longer existed, a man that no longer could be, but would be, but was not.

The man opened his mouth, and a smile lit his eyes, and his eyes lit the city, and the city was lit, and the aliens were lit, and the Crusader's were lit, and the walls of walls upon walls within walls were lit af, and the sky was lit, and the aliens were in their ship, and the ship was lit, and the lit made the ship vanish.

The Beyonder even they are meaningless....
B e y o nd e r looked at the Crusaders, and the man blinked, and the blinked man, and the man was again a different man, and his family existed.


The Beyonder even they are meaningless....
B e y o nd e r appeared, and a women ceased, becoming a man. They were Trans, they were male, they were a man.

The man walked across the street. A chicken followed.

Mail was delivered.

All in a day's work in the life of a man.

There is no hope.

Run.
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Upon seeing the aliens disappear, the knightly knights rejoiced with a jolly cheer, embracing one another with the greatest of fervor. From afar they looked like a bunch of gleeful highschool girls, but no, they were all manly individuals (Seriously, can somebody tell me if there's any women? I seriously can't tell through the armor...).

However, there was one who did not rejoice, for he had seen what no other had. He swears he saw it, the one, the only, the man, the Beyonder even they are meaningless...

What did this mean? The knight wondered, but not before he started screaming and waving his arms about wildly, as if to alert his jolly troupe. And then, as if he had meant to alert them, his cheerful comrades turned to face him with inquisitive looks upon their face-plates.

"Wait! This victory was not our own! I saw it! I saw him! The Pillar of Scale hath revealed themselves! It is as foretold in the scrolls of old! The Old Get Kidstament was right! He was here! I saw what he did! The B e y o nd e r was here! I saw him with my own two eyes! It was he who vanquished the alien invaders! Not our mad-ass breakdancing skillz, yo!"

For a moment, his armored companions seemed to believe the speaker, but then they broke out into uproarious laughter, some of them slapping their knees, some rolling on the floor, some of them laughing so hard their ass-plates fell off - how embarrassing. It was not until one man spoke that the laughter stopped. "Enough!" He yelled, and the crusading knights parted to reveal his figure. It was none other than the mighty Leonidas, king of (Old) Sparta. Not to be confused with Leonidas, king of (New) Sparta, though the two looked remarkably similar. Sounded similar too. In fact... they were kind of hard to tell apart... were they the same person? Maybe... they weren't twins, at least... that much is common knowledge...

Anyways, the mighty king stepped forth, wearing little more than what appeared to be briefs, his built A F body exposed for all to see. "Why you always lyin' Phil? We won this shit hard A F, and you wanna take that away from us? All of the Pillars are supposed to be asleep for at least another thirty minutes or so, Phil, are you stupid A F or something?" The godly warrior king spoke, totally dissing and pissing all over Phil, that ass-hat of a knight mentioned earlier by the Knight Leader, let's call him "Leader", who called him out rightfully so.

Phil lowered his helmet and his head, as the helmet was still on his head, and kicked the dirt. "I swear I saw it..." He mumbled, poking his index fingers together as he looked away.

"That's enough, Phil! I've had enough of your shit and I LEGITERALLY just met you! You there! Leader!" The majestically merciful king Leonidas spoke as he scratched his mighty ass. "Teach this lowly knight a lesson about the weight of his heresy, in the Way of Memerae." The king of sexy warrior men commanded.

"Aye, sir." Leader said, marching his way up to Phil, who dropped to his knees and hung his head low, pleading for mercy.

"No! No, no, please! Anything but that! I swear I saw him! You must believe me! I saw him, I swear! Don't do this to me! Please! I BEG YOU SIR! PLEASE DON'T -!" Before Phil could finish his hysterical and heretical cries for help traitorous assistance, Leader had promptly unscrewed his pommel and thrown it at Phil's head, ending him rightly. No, no, he wasn't dead. What are you? Bloodthirsty angsty teenagers or something? Gawd...

ANYWAYS, Leader gestured for two other knights to come flip Phil onto his back and to keep him restrained should his dignity reawaken, while he himself crouched down beside Phil's body and reached into his dagger sheath. From within he drew his mightiest weapon, a permanent pink marker, and removed the cap. "You brought this upon yourself, child. For the weight of your heresy, I hereby sentence you to the lowest of punishments... weebification." Leader spoke, and began drawing on Phil's helmet.

A few moments later, Leader stood, and swiftly turned his back on the prone Phil, walking away into the crowd of knights shaking his head in disappointment. Upon Phil's face-plate could now be seen anime-styled blush marks, and a soft crying sound could be heard as the crowd of knights around him slowly dissipated.

What a crybaby. At least HE has a body, unlike me. Bitch has the nerve...

Just... let it go Narry... let it go... You're the narrator. You da best. Yeah... I'm the best! Let's get on to the fun to be had! (Except for Phil who shall have to sit in time-out and miss out on all the fun)



It wasn't but a few hours later that the army of knightly crusaders returned to their jolly state, with DJ pumping out some more sick beats from his ol' boombox.


Many of the knights were dancing wildly, their armor clanking to the groove, creaking to the beat, and reverberating with the righteous melodies that echoed through the city streets. Some knights stood in a line to get some food from the knightly cooks, serving knightly barbecue, such as your average fare BBQ and the heavenly Peanut-Butter-And-Tuna-Cat-Jelly-Bologna sandwich, and many flavors of knightly drinks, such as Sunny-D and 100% Recycled Pickle Juice Concentrate, at this knightly rave. After all, only the lowest of knaves wouldn't know that a knightly rave required knightly barbecue, knightly melodies, and knightly drinks like Sunny-D.

On the dance floor, Leonidas, king of (old) Sparta was getting down, his abs glistening with the sweat of a godly workout, a workout only achievable through intense celebratory dancing. With the hunk of a king was Leader, who was clearing the dance floor with his legendary "Robot" and "Sprinkler" dance moves, all of his fellow knights cheering him on.

In the line at the concession stand was a knight who appeared to be ablaze, but was completely unaware of the fact that they were on fire, and while everyone else just stared awkwardly with their eye-slits this knight carried on. They hummed along to the heavenly melody assaulting the eardrums of all in the City of Walls upon Walls upon Walls upon Walls upon Walls upon etc. Until it was finally their turn to order.

"I'll have... hmm... what'll I have... the Rackh of Crib Ribs with some Soil Sauce, and some Recycled Pickle Juice Concentrate? Nah... I've probably had enough fatty foods this week, need to cut back a little... ohh, but this is supposed to be a celebration, should I splurge? Maybe... but what if I bust a bolt in my armor? Then I'll not get to crusade... what about the Tuna-Cat sandwich and some Sunny-D? How many calories are in those?" The knight asked, as the armored cook seemed to just blankly stare back.

"Uh... I'm pretty sure you can burn the calories off." The knightly cook replied, prompting a second cook to chuckle and a third to elbow the first in the back. "Uh, right. Larry, you know you're on fire right?" The cook said blankly.

"Oh, you're probably right" The knight, or Larry, as we just learned, replied. They seemed to ignore the bit about the fire though, as they looked back at the menu. "In that case, I think I'll have the Rackh of Crib Ribs with some Soil Sauce... a Peanut-Butter-and-Tuna-Cat-Jelly-Bologna sandwich with some Soil Sauce... a Side of Silent Lamb, with... ooh, some of that limited time Begotten Relish... aaaand... some Rainbow Cookies for dessert, I guess I may as well splurge a little." They said, as all three of the crusader cooks stopped to stare as Larry's armor began to turn black.

"Uh... what would you like to drink?" The first cook asked, as the third elbowed the first in the back again. "Oh, right! Larry you're on fire! Your armor is turning black!"

"What would I like to drink? Hmm..." Larry began, as the other knights in line began growing impatient. "Can I get a Kamikaze?" Larry requested, and the first cookly knight gave a sigh before doing as they were asked. Just as they finished filling up the drinking cup, the third cookly crusader gave them a soft but swift smack on the back of the first's helmet. "Oh! Right!" He declared, hurrying over and tossing the liquid on Larry to douse out the fire. The third cook facepalmed, and Larry looked down at their soaked metal everything.

"ASSHOLE!" Larry shouted, abruptly slapping the first cook and sending him down on his ass. The second cook hurried over to take his place as the third cook dragged him away from the kitchen area, whispering to his helmet. "What the hell was that for? I was telling you to hurry them up, you tin-head! Why'd you go and throw a drink all over them? You should know how sensitive Larry is! Gods... you'd better not end up like Phil..."

Back at the concession stand stood a wet and sniffling Larry, who proceeded to order a couple of Honeyed Fig Muffins, a Spit-roasted Flibberwurst with extra Soil Sauce, and a Kidkin Got Pie with a side of Begotten Relish, along with another Kamikaze... uber-sized, with a massive and twisty bendy straw aimed at making all the other knights jealous.

And boy did Larry's twisty/bendy straw make all the other knights jealous, what with their plain-Jane, puny, peppermint-colored bendy straws.
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{̴̯̝̳̗̞̦̲̙̞̯͓̖͎̔̅̄́̈́̀͘ R̸̴̢͚̰̜̦͉͚̟͍̳̪̖̠̗̪̪̰̹̫͔̄̒͌ͭͧ̏͐̾ͯ͑ E͓̙̲͕͕̟̮̺̗̻̥̤̤̲̓̊̾͋ͣͭͤ̊͒̐ͯ̐̀̚͠ Ḏ̢̛̝̼̭̠̆̈ͭ͂͋̌͒́͡ͅ À̠̯̘̳̪̹͙̼̪̤̦͇̼͉͖͚̯̹̋̐ͬ͝ C̢̓̇ͮ̑ͣͥͥ̾ͮ̉̅̈́̉̐͊̒̃̚͞҉̩͚̠̳͇̱͉͓̺̳̳͘ T̛̲͇̲̬͎̱̠̰̮̰̣͙̪ͩ͑̅͛̎ͣ̓͛͊ͥ̄̊̔ͬͣͫ̒̃̐̀ E̔̉͛ͫ́̓̔̒ͥ͋̅͢͏̡͔̘̦̲̦̯͖̗̩̺̠̣̞̘͈͈̝̀ D̨̯̱͈͎̦̥͉̻̭̣̜̮͚͉̩͓ͩ̿̿͒̊͑͂̕͠ }͊̽ͫ̒̍ͩ̂̈́̓͊̎͋҉̷̪̹̲̻͎͇̲̭̝̲̦̹̫͚̬͕̜̩͢
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From the depths of the deepest mires within the Forsaken Lands of India there lay a small yellow chickling who had been separated from its family. Its tiny, sad, black eyes stared into the nigh lightless pits and it chirped pitifully, whimpering, its tiny wings fluttering uselessly, its body laid against the cold sandy stones of the Ineffable Prisoneror's lair.

In the corner of the room several feet above the chickling—the tiny baby chicken—there was an equally tiny sputtering, flickering, dancing flame of a torch. The fire was just as yellow as the downy feathers of the chick.

Just as yellow.

As yellow

“Yello is anyone home?” A strange voice called out. The chickling went silent, curling its wings and its head into itself, attempting to hide. The tiny flameling mirrored its actions, dimming considerably.

The pit smelled of refuse and something acrid or burnt.

“M'yhello?”

A shaft of light suddenly thrust its way through the air of the dank prisoneror's cellar and struck the sandy-stoned ground. Smoke rose up upon contact. After a moment a silhouette blocked some of the light. The fire had extinguished, the chickling was now motionless as well as silent.

The silhouette, clearly something's head, looked from side to side.

“I knyohohow you're in there little buddy!” The jolly voice called out, two long protrusions drooping from the silhouette of its head. After more silence there was a sigh and then a ladder slammed against the sand-stone ground of the Prisoneror's dank pitcell.

The figure clumsily made its way down the ladder before falling on the halfway point, somehow managing to flip and twirl repeatedly in the air, tearing some of its clothes in the process.

“Yowch!” it cried as it hit the ground and then picked itself up by its britches, briefly floating, and then plopped itself onto its feet. The sound of a snap emanated through the massive cellpit and then there was light, many more torches being ignited at once. So was revealed the Ineffable Prisoneror.



“Now little Chickling, yer gonna talk to ole Goofykins or I'm gonna take your wings like I did your legs.”

The Chickling squeaked, terror emanating from its form, terror so thick that it had actually condensated into a vapor, which Goofykins, the ineffable Prisoneror, breathed in with a sigh of great pleasure. After a long moment the vapors began forming on the Ineffable Prisoneror's face, forming a the white goo depicted, thus dribbling down beneath its underbite, where it turned into globs and stayed—runny and whitiforously present upon his thine chinfaced visageo.

“Now you listen here little Chickling, if you cooperate I'll give you your legs back, and maybe one of your lungs!”

*Squeak!* The Chickling replied.

Fury came into the eyes of Goofykins the Ineffable Prisoneror , Ruler of the Forsaken Lands of India, Conqueror of all Disneylandia, The Great Walt Slayer of 1966, and of course, the Purveyor of Cartoonlindae's Wisdom: The Art of Cartoonistisia. Then he raised his hand and in that moment, a clown appeared and slammed a cream pie into the face of the Great Ineffable Prisoneror. The creature toppled backwards, its legs flying into the air, before reconnecting with its body as the Prisoneror fell on its ass.

The Chickling's eyes widened and it frantically flapped its wings. The torch above it lit itself, and was lit, and then began to spread its yellow flames as the Chickling fanned its wings. The yellow fire covered the wall in second, and then the entire cell fell into complete darkness. After a moment for the Chick's eyes to adjust it found that the only light was from where the ladder had been lowered, and some of that light was being drowned in the terrifying presence of the all powerful master and founder of the Prisoneror.

“Shucks, thanks for revealing your little secret, Chickling. Now I can kill ya, haha!” There was only jolliness in the Prisoneror's voice, but in that jolliness, behind the veil, within the mind, in all truth, where lies did not exist, where no man rested, where few men woke, there was a menacing darkness called THE VOID OF THE UNBEGOTTENING SOUL SOLE OF THE RECKONED ONE, and this belonged to the Prisoneror, to Goofykins, to the Great Walt Slater of '66, to the Conqueror of all Disneylandia, to the Ineffable Prisoneror and there was no escape.

Fade to black.

Black.



Where you sit there is no friction. The forces of evil rise, and are gotten.

D ark Hors e
, a lieutenant of the Dark Lord, has risen, and with him will come all manner of horrible unkidded ones.

Beware reader.

Beware.
Sporeumnia Forgoians

We retreat.
T H E I N F E R N A L C H I L D B E I N G



A-WOKE.
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Hidden 6 mos ago 6 mos ago Post by Grey
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It has recently occurred to me that I did not actually complete the acolyte's initial post. For this you have my apologies, but fortunately what happened after the truth of the Church and the State was unimportant rubbish, much like the 400-year old mummified skull of King Henri IV or an $800,000.000 Stradivarius violin.

But anyway fuck that shit. It's like 11:00PM and I don't feel like writing shit. So let's pretend that there was a time skip or something.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


T I M E



As the well-written, high effort humor was all going on in the above posts, the acolyte waited.

He waited for many reasons, but primarily because the nice men in blue had burst into his sanctume and beat him with their small metallic poles until he submitted to their draconian will. It seemed that though his heart was defiant, his body was soft and easily bruised. This is what happens when you don't fucking exercise and spend all your time enacting arcane rituals.

But anyway, as he sat in the uncomfortable prison cell, which was cold and hard much like his rented basement arcane lair, it was unfit for eldritch petitions to the beings above. For one, it was too bright, and as everyone knew, petitioned beings hated bright light. Why do you think everyone in movies always summons outer planar beings to candlelight? You gotta set the mood, and these luminous fluorescent lights and CCTV cameras were killin' the magical a~e~s~t~h~e~t~i~c

As the acolyte's mind assessed the situation, a sound began to reverberate throughout the prison. A sound that many inside knew very well:



Suddenly, as a certain word that the acolyte did not have the right to say was declared, the floor of the prison burst open, revealing a colony of mole people. Evidently these strange bottom dwellers believed the Battle of Today was the right day to begin their world conquest. Or perhaps, were they colluding with the invaders? Was it because they were followers of one of the Pillars of Colors? Were they bad because they were brown? Did they have the authority to kill a minority?

Before the acolyte could ponder these dreadful truths, he finally received the answer from the call he had sent out:

The abomination you have been trying to reach is currently unavailable. Please try again later or leave your name and blood sacrifice after the beep.

There was no beep. What the fuck?

Anyway the acolyte slipped out of jail because the mole people caused a sinkhole that caused the mass murder of all the mass murderers, arsonists, jay walkers, and victimized minorities that were being detained by Princess Trump's Prison Patrol(tm).

The acolyte was now free to look upon the world, and it felt underwhelming.
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Hidden 6 mos ago Post by ArkmageddonCat
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ArkmageddonCat Resident Snugglewuggler, and King Of Cheese

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New Sparta, at the edge of the Detroit Abyss


Two Romano-Spartan soldiers, the ultimate breed of sexy fighters, patrolled along a path at the edge of the Detroit Abyss. It was their duty as New Spartanians to watch over this demonic pit, for the evil sweat of Detroit - also known as Hell 3 - forever stained the earth that remained, even as far down as the hole went. Which was, all things considered, pretty damn deep. But not, like, emotionally deep. No, in fact this hellish chasm was emotionally shallow! Oh, the horrors that have climbed up from down within! Their faces were often like those of a prune, shriveled and then pressed in on itself by a good smashing. Their eyes like white marbles with slightly offset black dots... y'know, for the seeing bits... the sight-seers... the... uhm... part that looks... you know what I mean.

I'm sure you also understand the gravity of the horrors abounding from this pit of despair, and that they are not to be trifled with! Remember kids; DON'T try this at home, leave this to the professionals.

And the half-naked-yet-fully-armored Romano-Spartans were the best professionals, and were in fact so professional, that some might even call them professional professionals at being professional. These guys were trained badasses, and could kill a man just by strangling them to death with a pinky-promise. I'm not even kidding. Like, I'm being totally legit. Look it up.

You're probably wondering why I bothered mentioning the two patrolling soldiers, so I - what? What you mean you looked it up and didn't find anything? Try again.

Now... where was I? Ah, yes, the two Romano-Spartan soldiers were walking along whe - what is it NOW?! You STILL can't find it? Are you serious? The device you are using IS connected to the Quatraquantumdomaindiniumalitynet, right? No? Well there's your fucking problem, now sit down and shut up so I can finish my story...

Gods, these insolent fools. Do they not know others are trying to read as well? Asshats.

Okay... so... the two Greco-Romano-Spartan bodybuilders warriors were on their normal patrol, when suddenly a sound echoed from deep within the Detroit Abyss.

An derpy mechanical noise...

The two soldiers stopped, one gesturing to the other to look over the edge as he himself readied his whistle, while the other complied and leaned over to see the most horrendous sight.

And army of giant, burning rabbit-bird monstrosities could be seen climbing the steep walls of the pit, chanting in their derpy malfunctioning tones. "W-WRR-WAA-UIIRRR-OOO-HHUUUU-ERRRR!" They sang as they climbed with their stumpy little feet... leg... things. They climbed.

The New Spartinian that had peered over the wall shrieked like a little girl at the horrific sight, frantically slapping at the other while screaming out that the city should be warned. The other slapped the little bitch square in the face, blowing on his whistle as hard as he could... and yet no sound came out. Tossing the whistle aside, the whistle-blower drew his balloon sword and nudged his fellow.

"Draw your sword, friend, and together we shall stand and face them... we shall hold back the Furrberealis hordes long enough for the city to prepare reinforcements, and we shall be heroes! They will sing of our sacrifice for centuries to come!" He roared, but 'twas in vain. His companion had run off faster than Sanic The Hedgehorg, throwing his sword made of bread to the ground behind him with a loud clank.

The remaining pretty boy swagster picked up his now unfriended companions swords and dual-wielded those bitches, waiting anxiously for the Furrberealis hordes to reach the top, letting loose a terrifying battlecry. "LEEEEDLELEEEEEDLELEEEEEEEE!" He roared, his arms wide as if prepared for a hug - but no, in his hands were two mighty weapons.

1 hour later...

The Furrberealis hordes still were yet to escape the pit, and the Romano-Greco-Spartan warrior was still continuing his mighty roar.

Meanwhile, in New Sparta, -51 minutes and 49 seconds


The city was abuzz with energy, and all of the dogs were going absolutely apeshit. It was as if somebody had blown into the world's most rage-inducing dog-whistle. "By the gods" Said one of the townsfolk. "It is as if someone had blown into the world's most rage-inducing dog-whistle!"

"No shit, Aristotle." Replied another. "Those such whistles were given to our patrols in case of monstrosities in the Detroit Abyss. Where the fuck have you been? Get ready for war!"

"Oh..." Replied the first, and so they prepared to be prepared.
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Hidden 6 mos ago Post by AdobeFlash
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AdobeFlash Garifled 5 Garfield jumpign onb ed

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The episode starts at Jon's house)

Jon: Gee. I haven't seen Liz in days. (to Garfield) Garfield, you don't look so good today. (Garfield sighs)

Garfield: Here we go again. (cut to Vet) Would it be easier to buy a dinner?

Jon: Can I help you hold your stethoscope?

Liz: Jon, there's nothing wrong with Garfield.

Garfield: See, she knows!

Liz: Nothing except his weight, of course.

Garfield: What do you know?

Liz: Which reminds me, I better see what he's doing in that department. (carries Garfield) 2 more pounds and we'll need a forklift to do this.

Garfield: Eh, Sarcastic remarks are my job! (they go to the scale)

Liz: You're going to inaugurate my new state-of-the-art animal scale, Garfield. Jon, would you turn the dial to "Portly Pussycat"?

Jon: (turns to dial) "Portly Pussycat" just as you asked! (Garfield was carried and stand on the scale)

Scale: OOOOOOOOOWWWWW! (Garfield gets scared) Get off me, you overweight tub of pasta and goo! (Garfield jumps up)

Garfield: Yikes! That thing talked! And it screamed at me! And it's rude!

Liz: Oh, I forgot to tell you, this is a talking scale.

Scale: Come back here, you bucket of lard! I'm wasn't finished with you!

Liz: Garfield's heavier that he thought. It says he needs to lose two pounds right away by the end of the week, if possible.

Jon: And if he doesn't?

Liz: Then I think we have no choice to send him to the Cat Spa.

Garfield: The Cat Spa. That sounds great. Massages, long naps, more massages, more long naps...

Liz: They'll put him on a strict low fat diet.

Garfield: (realizes) Strict low-fat diet?! (he climbs on Jon) This low-fat diet, can I still eat lasagna and pizza and porked fried rice and bacon wrapped with bacon, right?

Liz: Here's the video of the place I had in mind.

Narrator: Welcome to Maggie's Cat Spa. The world's leading health resort for lazy, overweight cats with attitude.

Sarah O'Connor: When we brought Hector to Maggie's Cat Spa, He was eating 12 meals a day.

Old Man: Well, when he got so fat, he had to walk to the living room from the kitchen, He took a cab!

Sarah: But thanks to Maggie's Cat Spa, this will all be hard to show.

Old Man: Well, look at Hector now! Doesn't he look positive and look healthy and alert? (Hector groans, Jon and Garfield are shocked)

Narrator: At Maggie's Cat Spa, your beloved pet will be placed on a strict regalement of exercise and diet. (Hector groans after he eats food, the video ends)

Jon: Garfield can't go to that place!

Garfield: Yeah, Listen to Jon, he's right for a change!

Liz: Either he loses 2 pounds at the end of the week, or it's the Cat Spa for him. (Garfield and Jon get scared and shudder) Here, take the scale home with you so you can monitor his process.

Jon: I'll do my best to send him down. Do you think you can do that, Garfield? (He sees Garfield eat a sandwich) GARFIELD! That's Liz's lunch!

Garfield: Well, watching all that exercise made me...hungry. (he nervously laughs; cut to his house)

Jon: Dinner's ready, Garfield!

Garfield: I want lasagna and ribs and chinese food and chocolate cream pie, and roast beef, and a side of roast beef, and a third helping of my second helpings and... (he sees his dinner is a lettuce leaf) Hey. What's this?

Jon: Enjoy your lettuce leaf, Garfield.

Garfield: (he examines it, tastes it and eats it, but doesn't like it) Gee. I was expecting food. (he looks in the fridge to get food)

Jon: (calling Liz) I put him on that strict diet you recommended, Liz. (he sees Garfield with the leaf covered with food)

Garfield: You know these things aren't half bad when you cover it in whipped cream and chocolate sauce.

Jon: Uh, I'll call you back, Liz. (to Garfield) Let's see where we stand now. (Garfield on the scale)

Scale: Hey, you gained another pound! Nice going, fatso! A few more ounces and you'll be qualified for your own zipcode!

Jon: See, Now you have to lose 3 Pounds!

Garfield: I'll worry about it in the morning. (he goes upstairs)

Jon: I don't know what have to happen to take this seriously. (cut to Garfield in bed, is nighttime)

Garfield: Jon won't send me to that fat cat place. (he begins to sleep) Even if I did, it wouldn't be so bad...wouldn't be so bad...(cut to cat spa; black and white but Garfield is still orange, but in jail) Let me out! Please! Let me out! I don't belong here! It's all a big mistake, I tell you! I'm not overweight! I just have a big very big of fur!

Hector: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Nurse Psycho doesn't like it when we scream in terror.

Garfield: NURSE PSYCHO?!

Hector: You don't wanna know what she did to the last fat, obese cat that complained!

Garfield: What did she do?

Hector: (shivers) Let's put it this way. It was me.

Garfield: No! No! Jon! Would there be someone else compliant! HELP! Wait. I have to get a grip. Nurse Psycho can't possibly be that bad. (She arrives)

Nurse Psycho: WHERE'S THE NEW FAT CAT?

Garfield: Oh yeah, she can possibly be that bad.

Nurse Psycho: There you are. Have you been screaming in terror?!

Garfield: Oh, me? Ah, no. I was practicing my yodeling. Listen. (yodels, then was carried)

Nurse Psycho: We're going to get you into shape. (cut to cafeteria) First, dinner.

Garfield: Dinner's good.

Nurse Psycho: I hope you like "pea".

Garfield: Peas? Sure, I like peas.

Nurse Psycho: No. Pea. (serves a plate with a single pea) One pea. (Garfield looks at the pea with a glass of water, but only a drop of water)

Garfield: Gee. That's a pretty small pea. (to Audience) Would you all please turn away? I don't wanna cry when my fans are watching.

Nurse Psycho: Eat it!

Garfield: Can I eat half now? And take the rest home in a doggie bag?

Nurse Psycho: EAT IT! You'll start to exercise as soon as you're finished.

Garfield: As soon as I finish it. Ok. Well, here it goes. (he lifts the pea and throws it in his mouth and chews on it) Mmm-mmm.(Nurse Psycho pounds the table with her fist, making Garfield swallowing the pea and belches loudly) Oh, my compliments to the chef!

Nurse Psycho: Now, it's time for your workout.

Garfield: Wait. I need time to digest my huge meal. (smiles, but does gymnastics)

Nurse Psycho: Up. Down. Up. Down. Up. Down. Now repeat for the rest of all eternity.

Garfield: No. I must've lost 2 pounds by now. (he goes to the scale)

Scale: Sorry, Pal. You're still fat.

Garfield: WHAT?! (he was dragged by Nurse Psycho, doing jogs and laps)

Nurse Psycho: FASTER! My grandmother came faster than that.

Garfield: Help! Her grandmother makes me do this to her! I must've lost weight by now. (he goes to the scale again)

Scale: Didn't you hear me, jumbo?! You're still fat. (Garfield gasps, but is dragged by Nurse Psycho, he does pushups)

Nurse Psycho: FASTER!

Garfield: (Groans), Oh boy!

Nurse Psycho: FASTER! (he does it) FASTER! (he gives up) We don't like slackers around here!

Garfield: What am I doing here? Why are you doing this to me?! And why is everything black-and-white?! I must've lost my weight by now! (Garfield goes to the scale once more)

Scale: Guess what, chubby? (Garfield sees his true unveiled form and gasps; beep sound)

Mutant Spider Scale: That's right. You're fatter than ever. Even your flab is fat. (it's voice changes) You're so fat that when you sit around the house! YOU SIT AROUND THE HOUSE!!!

Garfield: Knock off the insults!

Mutant Spider Scale: You're so fat that when you step on a scale, it says one at a time, please. (Garfield closes the doors on him) You're so fat that you need to watch on each wrest one for each time zone! (he appears in front of Garfield; he screams) Among friend, Garfield. You're among friends now. I fact, ALL your friends ARE HERE! (Garfield looks around, flinchingly)

Garfield: I don't see any friends.

Mutant Spider Scale: Here are your friends, Garfield. (the food comes out of nowhere) Pizza, ice cream, pie, cake, cheese, roast beef and of course, lasagna! They're ALL your friends!

Talking Food: (all together) We're your friends, Garfield!

Garfield: Whoa!! Get away from me! (the food pleas to be Garfield's friend, and the scale evilly laughs) I have to lose weight! (he backs away from them until he falls down) AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!! (Everything turns silent, Garfield wakes up; gasps; is dizzy from his dream) I have to lose weight! I have to lose weight!

Jon: I don't know what to do, Liz. I can't get him to exercise! (he sees Garfield jogging with Odie as his coach)

Garfield: 1,2,1,2,1,2,1,2...

Liz: Jon? Jon? There something wrong? (he then sees Garfield doing exercises and odie follows him blowing a whistle)

Garfield: I'll do situps after I finish my aerobics!

Jon: Uh, I have to call you back, Liz. I seem to be having hallucinations. (he hangs up, and sees Garfield) Garfield, I'm so impressed! (Odie comes in) I'm sure you lost at least 2 pounds! (Garfield gets on the scale)

Garfield: He better not insult me.

Scale: You still need to lose 2 pounds. (Garfield is shocked by this, the scale laughs, and Garfield loses his mind, realzing it was from his nightmare, who instulted him)

Jon: I cant understand it! You must've lost weight, you must have! (looks) OH! I see what the problem is. I was going to set it on "Portly Pussycat", and by accident, I put it to "Pintsize Parakeet"! (Garfield grimaces this, Jon turns the dials, making sure he lost weight) You're fine! In fact, you didn't have to lose 2 pounds in the first place! (Garfield gets mad at him) But isn't it good to drop a few pounds, Garfield? (He scares Jon) Garfield? Why do you look so mad? Garfield! (He flees) Leave me alone! Don't hurt me! HELP! HELP!

Garfield: I should go after him, but I have some more important things to do. (cut to zoo) Let's see what you weigh, jumbo! (An elephant puts one foot on the scale)

Scale: What are you? An elephant?! You really need to lose weight! You need to lose... (Powering Down).

Garfield: Yeah, I know it's cruel. But there's some things in this world you just can' forgive and making me exercise is most of them.
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Script style roleplaying? We aren't savages.

The acolyte becomes depressed by this and goes to the ice cream shop.
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Altered Tundra

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In the years that followed the following of the followers of The McDonald of Trump came a resting period in which those who were tired of the tiredsome tirade of Agent Orange-You-Glad-I-Didn't-Say-Banana, there came the repeated quest of seeking those which have yet to mature but never could because the Doc of Doctors Doc was the sole blame of misconstrued misconstrusion that the masses who are of everyone know not of the knowing absent of naught of how to acquire the unbegottened child named Ren.

And because of these misconstrusions, there was only one name that was a constant. Well, aside form from the obliviously obviously oblivion that was known as Trans Fat.

Well, okay, that wasn't his name. He has the power of Trans Fat. The actual name of this person is someone with a lot of love to give to that one special lady who doesn't mind some greasy burgers from Greece served by a Greek man who happens to be a Geek.

Yup, you heard it first.

NOW...





ON THE RIGHT, IN RED AND YELLOW TRUNKS WITH A GANGSTA'S WHAT'S UP GUYS? right across that place that shall not be named in the front of his shorts, THE TRANS-DAGGER STALLION HIMSELF, MCLOVIN MCDONAAAAAAAAAAAAALDS, EMBUER THE AMERICAN DREAM OF TRANSFAT AND LOVER OF BURGERS OF ALL SIZES, AND THE ARTIST FORMALLY KNOWN AS FOGEL!

And in a matter of years that spanned these the total count of 1,409 characters(not counting this), McLovin makes his long awaited return to the battlefield where everyone will get transed up.

"THAT SHIT IS TIGHT, YO!"
Hidden 5 mos ago Post by yoshua171
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yoshua171 The Loremaster

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Southern man and a latino walk onto a prarie. Both draw their revolvers. The Southerner throws his down in the dust. The Latino shoots his gun, but the Southern's horse dies, instead of him.

There is peace in the Wild West.
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