AngelofOctober

RPGC #16: It takes two... - Voting and Critique

@SleepingSilence@shylarah

I’ve already addressed to BC, that I agree I asked him why did we have to mention his illness all the time or why he was weaker? I also believe that some of the vignettes were weaker and some of the elements we discussed were poorly introduced into the story. There are some stronger vignettes in this piece and I feel the piece we wrote actually focused on characters as the contest requirements. Though maybe that’s my Autism and my extremely literal thinking. I asked about the strippers and admit they don’t fit. There were segments we needed to cut and needed to expand on other segments.

I really wanted to expand on that ending scene a bit better. And feel like I could have portrayed Noah’s hyperactivity a bit better. I felt like with the word count we didn’t really think this over well. But this is my objective review of it, rather than my subjective. I don’t care how it stands up compared to the others. There were some flaws we obviously needed to work out and discuss more. I am not voting. But I definitely see where our writing was weakest and know for next time where we can improve upon.

To be honest there are things I wish I could change to make some of the vignettes stronger. I’d like to improve upon it and make it better. We didn’t have near as strong enough writing as the other two entries.

----

Now as for the other Two, Primitive Rose is better than Inquisitor Chains, but not by much, imo.

Primitive Rose didn’t even follow the requirements of the contest at first. I view a contest like this about character introductions, or character centerpieces, and instead of introducing the character you set up the world. Well the focus becomes the world not the characters or their relationships.

I honestly saw no purpose of the first paragraph because again this is a contest about relationships, I would have started the novel that starts here;

The Academy grounds, located atop a man made mountain cultivated by those born capable of controlling the world around them, spread out before him as Kano took his rest at the top floor of the main tower. From this perch you could see everything below and around including the city, the student dormitory to the north, the forests to the west. All things dwelled here in harmony.

Here instead;

At the midnight hour only Kano, founder and Headmaster of the Academy, was out of sync. A purpose or sense of direction influenced a person’s ability to make difficult choices or decisions. So it always was that with the school grounds quiet his soul grew restless and forlorn.

Because it is supposed to be a contest centered around characters and their relationship to another individual. So introducing quick and fast, with the word count we had is a better way of introducing it. Inquisitor Chains and Primitive Rose had serious issues display emotion as well.

In Primitive Rose you have a lot of unnecessary explained mechanics of the world, and sometimes it comes off detail heavy and too much exposition.

For example in the first paragraph, and it’s really the first paragraph where you really want grab a reader and I wasn’t being grabbed because there were wording choices that threw me off;

“You left this world too soon, my love..” The typical jovial tone accompanying his words turned somber. The waters twirling in the sky twisted at the invisible hand of his will until they had taken the shape of a large rose. From the tip of the stem to the immaculate petals blooming atop its head, the flower was perfectly formed.

This comes off very dry. In a scene that should be emotional and heavy. There’s this weird awkward wording that sucks the emotion out of the scene. I don’t know Kano as a reader, so I don’t know if he’s a typically Jovial man. Instead of saying the “typical jovial man” because I as a reader don’t know that Kano is typical jovial. Cut it.

Write something more along the lines of;

"You left this world too soon, my love....." he heard his voice crack in an unusual manner, as he held onto a tightness in his throat.

He heard his voice crack in an unusual manner, allows the reader to connect the dots this isn’t typically him. Without having to state it in this weirdly very detailed manner.

My issue is that it’s great writing. Don’t get me wrong. But it lacks emotional punch. You don’t use the words, or the details that convey emotion. His chest tightened, his voice cracked, he held onto his breath, he saw water in his eyes. These are always better descriptors than “his typical jovial voice”.

And there’s something about this piece when you use phrases like that, that makes me feel like this is a much shorter piece to an established universe and I’m suppose to just know these characters. So I don’t. So it sucks me out of the emotional mood of the whole story.

Beautifully written. Amazing vocabulary. But it to me doesn’t fit the premise of the contest. Nor does it have emotional punch.

----

Inquisitor Chains has the same issue. And there is jarring character shifts in the very first couple of paragraphs. What I mean by this is Edric is on edge, he’s like, let me through and you get this sense of urgency, that is suddenly dropped in the first couple of paragraphs and I’m like, this narratively lost me. The voice you have for these characters just dies in the first couple of paragraphs.

For example;

"I don't give a single damn, ya fuckin' prick." Edric's voice echoed down the dungeon hallway.

So to me Edric is introduced as impatient, ready to barge down this door

"No one is to see her."

"Fuckin' hells, mate. I'm Edric Karst. I helped build this rebellion. Now open the damn door." There was little contest to that, and soon the cell door creaked open. Edric felt strange, muted, once he stepped in.

This is strangely exposition and written weird. Man was about to knock this dude out in the introduction and now takes the time to explain he helped build this rebellion. The way I suggest writing this for cleaner effect would be a bit more emotion and effect

How about something like; Fuckin' hells mate, I'm Edric Kast and you'll let me through this damn door because even if I barged through it by force no one would care because I built it,"

It adds to the state of urgency already adopted in the first sentence, with the let me in and let me through. The first way it is written is just tacked on

Leia sat in the corner, where she could look up out the slit of a window and see a crack of evening sky. She seemed smaller, somehow, deprived even of the little control she'd had over her future during her time recovering. Particularly when training the guards, she'd been very self-assured, but now she was just another prisoner.

what a dry read, imo. There is no emotion in this paragraph at all. For a contest about characterization, someone forgot the character part.

written her paragraph more like this;
Just another prisoner, she sighs to herself as Leia looks up to the slit of a window staring through crack at the evening sky. Snapping her head hearing footsteps, her eyes draw on Edric, she suddenly felt unease with him standing on the opposite side of bars.

it pulls you in more now. Than the dry introduction first conceived

"Tell me it's a lie." Edric said. He was unreadable, but clearly suppressing some kind of emotion. "Tell me you didn't lie to me!"

Why is he unreadable and suppressing emotion now? Man's trying to barge through doors, cursing in the first introduction. I feel this is in conflict with the way the character was introduced to begin with. He's urgent, hasteful. And again there is no emotion in this sentence at all. Instead of like; He lay his eyes upon her from the other side, how she had fallen, slowly walling his own saliva to be able to talk without giving her a hint of how he felt. Where's the clenching, the choking, the things natural humans do

I do not believe these character relationship with each other in the first few paragraphs you introduce them. Because again all the emotional language has been taken out. What is Edric feeling when he sees her behind the bars? What does she think of Edric seeing her like this?

It’s well written.

There is no emotional introduction. Or emotional language used throughout most of these stories until the end. But that’s not why we’re writing this contest. We were in this contest for relationships. The relationship wasn’t introduce early on and I didn’t get a connection to the characters.

To me, Primitive Rose and Inquisitor Chains, are beautifully written. But they forgot the premise of the contest.

RPGC #16: It takes two... - Voting and Critique

@AngelofOctober I'm more than interested in hearing your opinions of the story Nev and I submitted (or why bother submitting it, eh?) And certainly I have no compunction about responding to commentary. I don't believe I ever saw your review, so yes please post it again.

and I didn't vote either. O.o

@shylarah

Will do. I been editing novels for 7 years as a professional editor, I can go ahead and put up my review here in a second.

RPGC #16: It takes two... - Voting and Critique

@shylarah@SleepingSilence@Frizan

Am I allowed to address what is said? Also am I allowed to write up about each piece of work. Without voting? Because I reviewed all three of these when they come up.

Reign: Kingdom Come

Better question, why? I hate to be a negative Nancy but none of us have been setup in a way that we’d want him along... And he has no reason to want to accompany the rest of the group. It’s an unfortunate setup.

@ProPro

Have a little bit of humor in life, perhaps, "why did he duck into a bush" "i don't know that's entertaining"

Reign: Kingdom Come

Thank you all for posting! Let's all interact with "The Hermit" and have him join dah group!

@Spiffy

Who? That's a bush. There is no one there.

Strangers of Mist - M

@Akayaofthemoon@Gardevoiran@Old Amsterdam

Everything here was different from the faces he remembers. The faces he remembers were much kinder than these faces. These faces remind him of something. But he cannot quite remember what that is. The blonde lady reminds him of gates. They are suppose to keep you in so you don’t get hurt out there. What is out there that could hurt? The electric humming is a comfort to him. The rest of it is like a wash of anxiety. A sense of panic staring at stranger’s faces. He was use to a smile too. And a sweet voice from the faces he remembers.

The other blonde lady reminded him of something bittersweet. He didn’t know why, it was something etched in her face. It didn’t match her. He didn’t know how to say that. If he asked if she swapped her face with someone who looked like her, he was sure she wouldn’t understand him. He rocked back and forth and began to mumble under his breath.

Why don’t you say hi?

“You do it,” addressing no one.

They just ignore me.

He bit the bottom of his lip. Agitating the scab he had caused to bleed earlier to squeeze more blood out. Before he had time to say anything another stranger walked in. Her face seemed the strangest. One side of hers was taken from someone else. Lumpy and scarred. The other was a face of someone else. Two faces.

She stole someone’s face.

“No,” replying to no one, or maybe he was talking to the chair beside him.

Well something happened.

“Maybe the nightstalkers,” he yet again replied to no one.

Skye continued to rock back and forth a little. Just as soothing as the humming whine of the electricity. Just as soothing as big rooms with lots of space. Where things sleep and then they wake up elsewhere. Waking up.

“Strangers in strange place,” Skye addressed them finally, his head fidgeted doing so, “We should exchange our identities. So we know who is who. So we can stop calling each other strangers. So strange faces become familiar faces with your identification.”

Skye continued to rock back and forth. He began to humm at first to himself, but mostly was coming out of his mouth was a low mumble.

“Mmmm,” Skye groaned to himself.

Reign: Kingdom Come

The Hermit

Everything seemed according to his travel plans. This road would be void of most travelers during the day, as they would choose safer roads. Roads with more soldiers. Roads he wished to avoid. Soldiers he wished to avoid even more. Under his breath he retold stories to himself that he would perform in the next town over. He practiced every word, every stroke of his lute, though he refused to play it now in fears that something may try to eat him or someone may accidentally here a plucked string. He made sure every word he said ended in the right vernacular snap.

“Tis the tale of Harry the Farm Boy turned Playboy,” he says under his breath with a smile on his face. He had gotten to the point of not just telling tales of nobility, but slowly writing his own works and notes. They were often a hit, giving him big tips when he ended the night. Of course he carried the classics and tried to stay out of the spotlight as best as he could. He couldn’t afford being talked about.

He squinted his eyes, and his chest fluttered with anxiety. There were figure slowly growing closer and closer. He was certain they had already saw him and he was lingering on the road too long. What should he do? He wasn’t prepared to greet anyone, the Hermit looked around frantically and found the only solution was to duck into a bush on the side of the road near enough size to hide his silhouette. Perhaps he could fake his own existence and they would pass him by.

Adolescent Heroes (Teen Titans Inspired)

“You can’t smoke that in here,” Todd the owner told him.

He took in one more inhale of his cigarette and let it rise to the ceiling of the cyber cafe. He slowly put it out on the concrete, using his left leg to kick open the door. Julian gave Todd a look, “Let everyone smoke their fruity flavored embalming fluid in here, but not let someone smoke a regular cigarette. Do you see a problem with that? That’s discrimination on how people want to kill themselves slowly from the inside.”

“You can’t smoke cigarettes indoors anyway,” Todd tells him.

“You could in the 30s, 40s, even the 60s,” he replies, “What if someone doesn’t wanting to smell someone’s chemical cocktail of just water? Except you wonder how they get those flavors in there. Probably chemicals.”

“Why are you here Julian?” Todd asked.

He points to someone’s his age,“Meeting Chester.”

“It’s Chase,”

“Chase, I mean,”

Todd raises a brow and says nothing as he slips in as elegantly as a cat who just got struck by a bus, wrapping his arm around Chase who has just bought himself something to drink while working on a computer somewhere around here, Julian smiles at the somewhat chubby kid. He counted, ten, fifteen dollars.

“You could bother to learn my name before asking for my help,” Chase tells him.

“If I bothered to know your name we both would be wearing ankle bracelets,” Julian tells him patting his shoulder, “I counted fifteen dollars you pulled out. Get me something. Pretty please.”

Chase sighs.

“You could be nicer about asking me,” Chase tells him.

“I did, I said pretty please,” Julian replies.

Chase, “Coffee and some snacks?”

“That would be lovely,” Julian tells him, “Where is your computer at?”

Chase points, “But don’t get on it, You’re not even allowed to get on it.”

“I’m just sitting down, don’t be that way,” Julian slinks over, passing rows of people on computers. Some doing homework. Someone’s playing an online game, probably trying to bypass mom’s watchful eyes. This near a computer was a tempting sin. He isn’t just into computers, as his mother put it. He understood computers. The hum and whine of the fan was near as close as being able to read a human beings emotions. He could vision the binary code passing through the processor and onto the screen. His connection with computers is just as connected as one might be with another human being or an animal hoarder was to an animal.

He could tell when a piece of electronics was hurt, just in the way it hummed and whine. He could feel when a computer was being pushed to its limits. Forced to power through. He could tell when a system was weak and what system had muscles. It wasn’t just that he liked computers, they were a second being to him.

His mother didn’t get that. Neither did his father. And he was certain the government would have shipped him off to be part of some experimental project if he told them any of that. He was certain instead of being placed in jail or monitored the way he was now, he could have had a cliche superhero origin story. In his current lexicon of storytelling this was the least impressive. Got arrested. Then was released on house arrest.

Chase slides the coffee on the table and hands him some chips.

“Ah thanks,” Julian tells him.

“You didn’t touch the computer?” Chase ask.

Julian nods, “Scouts honor. But I uh have to check up on some emails.”

Julian’s standing up now, to stretch his back. These chairs were mighty uncomfortable. Chase gives him a side glance.

“I am not falling for that one,” Chase tells him.

“Ah come on,” Julian says standing behind Chase’ chair, “I promise I won’t,” he begins to thrust the back of Chase’ chair, “anyone’s computer.”

“Do you have to make me look like you’re pushing me around?” Chase ask him.

Julian shrugs.

“Let’s face it, you are being push around by me,” Julian pauses, “But that’s because you were too much of a sissy bitch to tell them how I got in the first place. Through your father’s security code.”

Chase face pales. He gets up from his chair quickly and Julian slides into the hot, moist, seat. Fat kid sweat. All right let’s see what is going on in the world. Julian begins to plug in a few keystrokes into the cmd.exe. Chase looks nervous, “You said you were-”

Julian put a fingers to chase lips, “Sssssh. I said I wasn’t going to fuck someone’s system over. I didn’t say I wasn’t doing something naughty.”

Running through the command prompt, throwing in a line of statistical algorithmic code, he was in his own backdoor. Time to plot for the next big plan.

“If the cops arrest me,” Chase mumbles.
“Misery loves company,” Julian tells him, “You can come over to my house and sleep in my bedroom. We can play prison mates.”

“I hate you,” Chase says weakly.

Oh trust me, I hate you more.

Reign: Kingdom Come

@Spiffy

I don't currently have the internet right now. Which I am trying to inform everybody with. I'm using hotspot right now.

RPGC #16: It Takes Two... - Prompt and Entries

@BCTheEntity

And I are one writing machine. Be very afraid. Be very afraid of our creation. It's Alive!!!

Quick Synopsis; Two best friends spend one last day together as one friend is dying. Jeremy and Noah are two unlikely friends, but they jam together like jam and toast. What you thought I was going to peanut butter, get out of here, so cliche.