Cyclone

Civilization IV - Empires Reborn

High Low Treason

"He said WHAT?!" Glough screamed as he grabbed Bronzeburn by the collar. Between the flying spittle and violent shaking back and forth, it was like the poor engineer was being swept away in a hurricane. The proverbial tempest was so mighty that it knocked off the engineer's hat.

Glough finally released Bronzeburn, and the terrified (and embarrassed) gnome scurried down onto the ground to reclaim his precious red cap. All the while, the Director was now turning towards his lieutenant to scream, "My pen, paper, and portable writing desk! NOW! I have a proclamation and a sentencing to make! This absurdity will end here! And have the fool dragged before me!"

Delfus and the Director's other assistants hurriedly complied with their orders while the Director raved on and on in one of his fits. Finally, an excruciating 53 seconds later, they had unfolded a table and presented him with the pen and paper. As if time itself had slowed, Delfus saw his party leader scribble gigantic letters 'H...I...G...H' and immediately, almost precognitively, such was the power of his superior gnomish brain, realized what was to come. "Wait!" Delfus cried out.

The red-faced Glough dropped the pen and turned to eye Delfus diabolically, twirling his mustache in icy anger. "You can't mean to have Treecog indicted for high treason and executed! All he did was-"

"Blatantly disobey the orders of my appointed officer and refuse to work, all over some petty qualm about quality control!"

"But that's not high treason! He didn't betray us to the birds or any of our other enemies!"

With a scoff, Glough turned back to his paper and crossed out the word he'd written. "HIGH LOW TREASON" the top of it now read. He began scrawling a summary of Treecog's crimes, for posterity and party records, before finally writing the declared punishment at the bottom of the paper. His arm moved like a whirlwind, and the entire thing was done by the time Treecog was finally dragged before them all by two burly gnomes that were formerly Royal Infantry.

The nearby procession of dwarves might have watched some of these proceedings in confusion, but the trained animal handlers diligently tried to distract them and herd them a fair distance away.

"Treecog!" the Director spun around and declared, facing the terrified prisoner with a devilish grin. "for dereliction of duty and low treason, your party membership is revoked! You are hereby exiled! Enjoy living off the land and among all the nasty wildlife and local animals, you sub-gnomish cretin!" Glough let out a satisfied sigh as the bewildered (and weeping) Treecog was prodded along and led away from the base camp.

"Now that that's been dealt with..." the Director said, wiping some imagined grime off his hands, "Delfus, I've arrived at a decision regarding these so-called 'dwarves'!"

Delfus internally sighed, expecting that he'd be told to convey orders to vivisect them so as to ensure the accuracy of the estimated Zekel-Voight-Greasegear rating. Or maybe to just have them killed.

But Glough was anything if not predictable. "With a rating of only 0.3 on the logarithmic scale, I find it unlikely that they could be capable of manipulating and controlling the birds. If anything, it seems likely that they might be manipulated by those evil birds that attacked the Red January. Time and further study will be needed to determine what to do with these dwarves. If they scored in the vicinity of a 0.15 the obvious conclusion would be that the animal trainers should try domesticating them as draft animals, any gnomish infant could see that. But here? I will not pretend to know what niche they should be put into! Let the animal handlers do as they see fit."

The disheveled Bronzeburn still hadn't left, though. Delfus saw the timid gnome and asked, "Director, what is he to do now that you've exiled the supplier for his project?"

"He can find a new one! Or hope that the expedition sent into the mountains finds something usable. I still expect results! We need more weapons!"

Summary

Still awaiting news on the expedition sent into the mountains last turn.

Glough hears about Treecog's demand that they go into the forest to find quality wood, and promptly declares him to be committing low treason for not utilizing the wood that was given. Treecog is exiled, so for his weapon-making project, Bronzeburn is left trying to either find another supplier or to make use of whatever the mountain expedition brings back.

Civilization IV - Empires Reborn

The Zekel-Voight-Greasegear Enigma

There were clangs, scraping whines, and occasional booms as Glough’s inspectors sifted through the crates of salvaged machinery and took an inventory. Most tools of value had been evacuated from the Red January in parachute crates prior to its martyrdom at the hands of the party’s enemies. In the days since, recovering those tools had been a high priority, and by now the gnomes were confident that they’d recovered most of what had survived. All of this would come in handy, but of course many of these tools were as useless as a cave-dwelling troglodyte without the proper fuel.

The gnomes had an advanced understanding of chemics, as evidenced by their knowledge of blasting powder and their ability to harness lightning in their weaponry. But such methods of storing potential energy were considered volatile and inefficient; it was for that reason that the gnomes preferred pneumatic rifles to blasting-powder based ones, for instance. Well, that and because the recoil from a high muzzle-velocity chemic-based-explosion-driven projectile of significant mass was hard for the small gnomes for withstand.

From a pocket, Glough produced an energy crystal. The sparkling thing was a wonder of gnomish chemics and technology; they produced such crystals from a complicated procedure that involved processing semi-rare minerals. For that reason their current supply was limited and rather precious, but Glough would hear nothing of it. He inserted the gem into the slot of a jackhammer, but in a rare show of restraint, deemed such a thing excessive. Or perhaps he just decided that it was the wrong tool for the job; jackhammers were powered tools for breaking stone, and jackaxes were better for chopping wood and butchering enemies of the state.

He removed the power source from the jackhammer and then ordered an assistant to bring him one such jackaxe, then activated it and adjusted the setting to full force. Laughing as the axe-head automatically whipped back and forth at a blurring speed, he brought the tool upon the trunk of one great tree and felled the stupid thing with ease. Baby birds chirped in terror as their nest in the upper boughs came crashing down. Glough looked at the pathetic survivors with contempt, then crushed them beneath his boot. Finding a gummy mixture of blood and feathers annoying stuck to the bottom, he used attachment number 23 from his multipurpose Gnomish Army knife to flick the remnants out from the treads of his shoe. Let none say that the Director asked of his gnomes anything that he would not do himself!

“Delfus, I believe that this tree might provide sufficient timber to silence Treecog’s whining for the time being,” he did declare. He casually tossed the deactivated jackaxe to a waiting technician so that the felled tree could be debarked and cut into planks and small pieces.

“Yes, that is very well Director, but should we really use our resources so frivolously?” the official stammered.

“A display of force and power is necessary! Do not question party doctrine!”

Even as he chastised his old friend, Glough twirled his mustache in contemplation. “But I see your point,” he admitted. “Very well, now that we’ve salvaged and recovered all of the tools-“

“Well, there were a few pneumatic rifles unaccounted for...” Delfus tried to interrupt, only to be spoken over the whole time.

“...recall the teams and have then search the mountains to the south. Look for any passes through the range, and prospect the area using powered drills and jackhammers and jackshovels. We should have sufficient power crystals in storage for them to do some probing.”

“Yes, Director! A very logical move!” That had gone better than Delfus had expected, so he tapped his red cap in salute and prepared to make a hasty exit before Glough could change his mind.

But then the dwarves came. Glough’s reasonable and good mood went up in smoke at the sight of those uncouth barbarians outside his camp. Speaking of cave-dwelling troglodytes...

“How did those hideous things get into our land unseen?!” Glough demanded to one of his following sycophants. While the party officer tried to find an explanation, Glough was simmering.

“This will not do! Find me a trained animal handler! Or ten!”

“Those things might not quite be animals, Director,” Delfus turned to protest. “Observe their small stature and metal arms, the details of that one’s textiles-“

“Bah! Then find a psychologist too, and have him administer the Zekel-Voight-Greasegear Analysis of Intelligence! I would know just how sapient those foolish looking creatures are before I decide what to do with them. Have the animal handlers on standby in order to tranquilize or slay the beasts if they try anything untoward, or...or if they turn out to be the masterminds behind the evil birds of this land!”

He was confident that the Zekel-Voight-Greasegear Analysis, with its empirically-derived formula to determine levels of sapience from such observations as height, cranial volume, and political alignment would be able to provide a good guideline on just how to proceed.

Summary

By now the gnomes have recovered most tools and things of value from the wreckage of the Red January, but there’s still lots of metal etc. left.

Glough personally chops down a tree to kill some birds and get Treecog a bit of quality timber at the same time!

Action E/G: Some gnomes are sent into the mountains to explore and prospect.

In response to the arrival of the dwarves, Glough doesn’t immediately show himself. He orders animal handlers on standby while a psychologist administers the Zekel-Voight-Greasegear Analysis to determine if these dwarves are sapient by gnomish standards. If they are just animals, Glough intends to tranquilize and keep them. But if they’re too smart, he suspects they might be behind the birds’ recent attack on the Red January...

Civilization IV - Empires Reborn

Angry Birds

There was a flash, a deafening boom, and then a wave of heat. They struck Glough in that order, and for a few moments the cherry-red flames of that explosion (which had been far too close for comfort!) consumed the small shadow that the gnome’s similarly diminutive form had been casting in the evening sun. But the plan had worked!

From out of the trees-turned-splinters there flew dozens of birds, some in the form of pulverized and burnt meat, others as smoking corpses propelled by the blast, and a lucky few as panicked survivors flapping away as best they could after being disorientated by the sudden explosion of their wretched homes and all their vile co-conspirators.

Glough suppressed a chuckle as he took aim with a pneumatic rifle and fired; hilarious as it was to think of the imminent doom of his enemies, laughter was known to cause shaking of the hands and reduce weapon accuracy by approximately 23.33 (repeating, of course) percent, an empirical figure that the Royal Army had invested many studies and a substantial amount of tax dollars in order to derive. Now it was military doctrine!

As Director Glough pulled the trigger, cartridge of compressed air was breached and the pressure used to propel a dart; the tiny projectile was nonetheless deadly, as one of the fleeing birds found out. Other gnomish rifleman had taken up position around the grove of trees and similarly fired. They quickly reloaded and fired again, exterminating and driving off the last of the surviving birds that had been lurking in that cluster of trees.

“Delfus, prepare for the next assault. We press the attack until dusk!” the Director proclaimed, much to the dismay of a rather nervous officer.

“Director, I’m afraid that er, won’t be possible-“

Glough stormed over to his subordinate before he could get out another word, and then he roared, spittle flying from his mouth, “WHAT?!”

Delfus took a moment to breathe in and steady himself, for he was a senior officer and important party member, not some stammering fool. He stood in the position of attention and reported, “That was the last of the blasting powder and air cartridges. No more have been recovered, and we think very little of the arsenal was ever successfully jettisoned and parachuted, making further search efforts unlikely to bear any metaphorical fruits of the sweet sort!”

Glough burled his fists as his face changed in color to match his iconic hat. “Have the engineers improvise some weapons in the meantime,” he ordered. “We’re going to continue extermination efforts. We shall not rest so long as enemy saboteurs stalk these woods and mountains! This may be a wretched wasteland, but it’s my, I mean our wretched wasteland and temporary home, so we’re going to pry it out of the cold and dead beaks of every last evil bird...”

The Director’s ravings continued for some time, circling round and round to his newfound irrational hatred for the birds. Delfus, for his part, was hardly listening. Instead he was wondering how he would continue spinning this to make the plan sound sane. To detonate those dozen barrels of blasting powder beneath a couple of trees and then exhaust every bit of precious cartridges that remained for their pneumatic weapons? Just routine quality assurance checks, of course. Killing all the birds? Just hunting to brush up on the food stores. But how would he justify killing all of the birds in ten miles?

Pah, that was a problem for tomorrow. More immediate was the concern of how they’d “improvise” to continue the Director’s plans and meet the daily
bird-kill quota that he’d imposed upon the party. Delfus endeavored to delegate that problem unto Engineer Bronzeburn. If anybody could do it, it would be him because his unorthodox thinking and penchant for using odd materials in his inventions had already left the gnome branded a madman. But that was just as well, because surely that meant that he would be able to create some sort of deadly contraption out of the available materials, there was plenty of twigs and grass and bird corpses to work with. If the mad genius could make something work, he stood to rise quite high in the party’s ranks.

And then of course, Delfus had to keep track of the ongoing efforts to rally any remaining stragglers, and further establish the base camp here at the crash site, and salvage whatever could be found amidst the Red January’s horrid wreckage...there was also the manner of the strange report of something having been seem watching them. Glough himself claimed to have seen it, but so worried was he about the birds’ presence that he’d not bothered to worry much.

Summary

A Improve Food: Glough is ordering the extermination of all nearby birds in retaliation for their assault upon the Red January. What birds aren’t totally blown up or incinerated are to be eaten.

B Improve Military Technology: The gnomes had an airship with lightning cannons and gunpowder and pneumatic rifles, but now they have lost or squandered all of those potent advantages and are left with nothing. An ‘Engineer Bronzeburn’ is left to pick up the pieces and try to develop some sort of weapon, so that the bird-killing can continue in full force and the gnomes can remain capable of defending party interests. Bronzeburn has a promotion on the table if he can pull this off!

Glough pays little heed to the strange figure that he saw, and his officer Delfus is left to oversee the efforts of the four groups from last post while Glough takes charge of the bird genocide.

Civilization IV - Empires Reborn

The Red Cap Junta

Director Glough stood firm and proud before the window of his ship’s bridge, his oversized and silvered mustache waxed to perfection and the slight balding atop his head concealed by that signature red hat of his that the entire party had quickly come to imitate. He was not one for flattery, but he did appreciate uniformity. The Director was a hard man; he was nearing the end of what one could call ‘middle-aged’ and his life’s experiences and a long history of command had left him with little patience for anything short of excellence and disciplined obedience. It was easy to fall in line and not question him, because his voice could (without warning!) go from a gentle and fatherly tone to the booming roar of a drill instructor, and he had an intimidating form to match the sound! He was a towering gnome, just shy of four feet tall.

Even after his fall from grace, a good deal of his party remained loyal and strong. They had failed to petition the king to see reason and deploy the army to displace or exterminate the giant savages that threatened their homeland’s borders, and after that, they had failed to covertly incite war. Now the faction had been proclaimed treasonous, but in the resulting strife and series of high-profile arrests, Glough had managed to escape the king’s clutches relatively unscathed. Blazes, some of the soldiers and police sent to stop him had been party sympathizers that had instead joined his new separatist army. All had expected nothing less than a civil war, but to their surprise, the Director had instead had his private army storm a royal airfield, commandeer the largest airship they could find. The party named it the Red January, after the bloodfilled month in which they’d seized it, and then they proceeded to board Glough and his strongest supporters and venture off into the sunset. Royal loyalists and civilians could only speculate what his motivations were and whether he would ever return from exile.

There was overwhelming blue to be seen all around, like a smothering blanket—the blue of the sky above and around, the blue of the ocean below. They had been flying for a long time, and Glough was growing restless from being stuck on the zeppelin for so long. They all were, but few could hide it as well as him. The Director turned to one of his senior officers. “Delfus, reiterate your proposal statement.”

“...certainly,” one of the gnomes answered. He was confused for a moment, for Glough was not a forgetful gnome and he always paid attention to the details and committed them to memory. But perhaps this was not for the Director’s own benefit; restating the reasons for their departure and the logic behind it would surely raise morale and reassure any wavering officers present.

“Our force projections were clear—we could have inflicted major damage, but ultimately it would have been a losing war to try to face the Royal Army. It will be better by far to establish a stronghold elsewhere, to effectively achieve our goal of self-governance for free whilst allowing us to bide our time, gather our strength, and perhaps later retake the kingdom should such opportunity present itself.”

He paused for breath, then continued, “According to our calculations, the world is a spheroidal object of far larger size than is accounted for in all the maps of the known regions. We are likely to come across entirely new lands as we maintain this latitude, but even if we are met with bad luck or it comes to be that there are no uncharted lands beyond the sea, we should have sufficient supplies to-“

Delfus, easily distracted, turned his gaze toward the distance where a flock of seabirds approached fearlessly. Director Glough clenched his jaw at the nonsensical interruption and almost turned red with rage when all his other staff began to point and clamor about the stupid animals. But then Glough realized the implications, and even his stony face broke and showed the hints of a smile; birds often indicated the presence of a nearby landmass, for they needed to roost and could only range so far—

There was a horrible sound, like the roar of some mythical monster. Metal screamed as it grated and ground upon itself, and then the ship began to lurch. Something had gone horribly wrong with one of the propellors! Unsecured items and careless personnel on deck began to slide. Glough was immediately shouting commands and ordering damage control; to their horror, they realized that one of the accursed birds had flown into a propellor and somehow jammed it. They were losing control! Attempting a landing would have been suicidal, even if they were able to see more than the faintest hint of a distant beach.

The response was quick, just as it had to be. The Director sent in the best and bravest mechanics. Dangling by ropes and harnesses off the side of the leaning deck, they carefully worked to unjam and restart the propellor. They had the spare parts, but it was hard to get down into the damned thing..! One of them jabbed a wrench into the loosened blades and pulled, pulled, using it as a lever to tear the deformed piece free. But he overdid it, and with a gasp he sent the jagged piece of metal flying upward. They all looked up in horror as it punctured the balloon above and they began losing air. Rapidly they had to attempt to patch it. They did so with impressive speed, having been well drilled, but even so the patch wasn’t quite airtight and they all knew it. Their shio was bleeding its lifeblood, and after losinf as much air as they had, they were already being forced to dump huge quantities of ballast just to maintain their altitude.

Another flock of birds approached, heading directly toward the zeppelin. It was a deliberate attack! Sabotage! The Director knew this, for birds were rather small and therefore logic would dictate that they were cunning creatures. It was well known among gnomish scientists that a species’ size and intelligence tend towards an inversely proportional relationship, as a larger being must devote more of its brainpower to mundane things like muscle movement as compared to high order thought. For examples one needed to look no farther than ants, perhaps the most organized and intelligent of all animals, or the gnomish race itself, which the ‘Red Caps’ held to be clearly superior to the barbaric, primitive, violent giants that were all the other breeds of sapients.

In any case, the birds’ small size and demonstrable intelligence made their betrayal and refusal of his ideals (nay, his party’s very life and presence) all the more insulting. The Director ordered his crew to battle stations, then issued the command, “Vaporize them!”

The ray and lightning cannons made short work of those seagulls. The breeze was just right to carry a brief whiff of roasted poultry. But then, the impossible! One of the accursed birds had slipped past all of the weaponfire, and it managed to fly straight into a different propellor...

Over the next day they’d struggled mightily to keep the Red January airborne, but she had sustained fatally targeted injuries that they lacked the means to repair without further supplies and a dedicated hangar, much less while in flight. It was a wonder they kept her as long as they did, but then again, they’d abandoned any semblance of an attempt at navigation. Plains and forest passed by beneath them completely unseen, for they all spent the entirety of their focus on damage control, but even that was not enough. On the second day they finally abandoned hope for the Red January and began evacuation preparations. They crated what provisions and loose equipment they could, and then issued out parachutes to all the crew, but damned there were too many passengers! There weren’t enough parachutes for everyone as well as all of the supply crates, and Glough had half a mind to deny some of the more useless or traumatized gnomes their parachutes in favor of ensuring the cargo crates’ survival instead. But that would have been bad for morale...

It was near an idyllic river and some mountains that they finally jumped overboard. As they slowly drifted down to safety, they observed the Red January make its final descent. The now crewless zeppelin hit the ground and exploded in a huge fireball, as oversized vehicles were wont to do. Director Glough steeled his face in seething rage, while some of his more sentimental party members openly wept.

Well, at least they’d found some land...but now they were trapped, with no way back, no chance to map the area, no infrastructure, and no idea of whether there were any giant savages to be found in this queer land. The stoic and cold Director let his mask crack for just a moment.

☀ THE DEVOURER CYCLE — Act I ☀

I stumbled upon this and found it very interesting. You’ve found a unique (and good) niche and idea. For that alone you have my respect, because it’s hard to make original and standout RPs.

Sadly I’m in no position to join this, at least for the next few weeks. I just wanted to offer you my praise, encouragement, and best wishes. I hope this succeeds because it’s the rare type of RP that I love, and I’d like to see more like this on the guild.

I’ll offer you one piece of advice: be very wary of the difference between creating a “game” that’s meant to be “won,” and a collaborative story environment where everyone works together for fun and there is no “winning.” As cheesy as it sounds, I’ve found that making a conscious effort to strive for the latter keeps the RP more enjoyable, attracts a better base, and is more sustainable. That’s just my experience and opinion, though. I say this primarily because your section about the mechanics surrounding character deaths and assassinations, and it felt very gamey and gave me that wary tingling that I’m sure we’ve all felt when browsing new RPs.

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

Hello everyone! The Cyclone is still alive and blowing. I got Internet access today for the first time since leaving some five(?) weeks ago. I don’t have time to see or do much right now and can’t check the Discord, but I still wanted to come stop by and let you know that I haven’t forgotten about Divinus or any of you,

It’s great to see this still going strong; I’m thankful to BB and Mutton for picking up the slack in my absence, and humbled that the rest of you have stil kept interest. A quick glance seems to show that we have some new faces too. Welcome, and I hope to meet you fresh bloods sometime soon!

I’m not home yet so things still won’t be back to normal. Unfortunately I only have a vague notion of when I might be able to fully resume participation here: it’ll only be somewhere between two and four weeks, hopefully. I don’t know if I’ll get the chance to pop back in like this a few more times between now and then, but it’s possible.

Take it easy guys! I miss this stuff and can’t wait to get back!

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

@LokiLeo789 for Anu

Hider

This sheet's well done. It's probably our favorite one of yours yet! (That's saying something considering how many you've given us... )

Clear and strong portfolio, appearance, and ambitions. It will be quite easy to find things to do with a character and having a tyrant or ten will certainly keep things interesting and round out the cast.

This nugget came up in our talk, and you might want to consider it:

Perhaps my one critique is Anu's nigh-perfect control over his emotions, which seems to be a common theme in all of Loki's characters. This is thematically appropriate, but personally I think this would be a brilliant place to put a flaw. Perhaps his control over his emotions is not as perfect as he likes. Likely Anu will seek to enhance his control over his emotions. I believe this would make a nice path for character development.

BB

Regardless of whether or not you do that, Anu looks pretty good. One thing is still left up in the air though, and that's what you intended for Anu's origins and parents. You seem to allude to Shengshi + Narzhak but that pairing is only implied, there's nothing about exactly how Anu is born, and in general we want to see something more concrete.

Sort out the parentage and then Anu is accepted.

@Zurajai for Roog

Hider

The parentage part is good. I'm glad that it's clearly established in your sheet.

The portfolio certainly has potential because it fills a niche and immediately puts Roog into a place where he has a purpose as well as some natural adversaries and opposing forces. Problems arise from the proposed portfolio description, though. Mutton and BBeast both feel that it's too nebulous. While I think that your description sets the mood and theme of the character, one can read through it and still be left wondering what exactly Roog does. What exact sort of powers do you envision Demise as conferring? The ability for Roog's teeth and claws to sink into a soul as easily as flesh and wrench it out of a body? Give us some examples and stuff.

It's also worth thinking about whether Roog will be involved into this whole soul debate and life-death cycle, and if so, where he fits into it. It's worth familiarizing yourself with the ongoing soul heist and the plotting that's going on against Katharsos.

Beyond that it's good that he doesn't just kill because murder is fun, and that there's some grey and nuance to him. The persona has potential for good interactions and writings too.

By far the strongest part about your sheet is the appearance and how well you tied theme and parentage into that. We all thought that was very well done.

There were a few sage observations that I'll just quote.

I will comment that denoting other characters by descriptors rather than their actual names can be potentially confusing and rather challenging to do consistently. I tried to do it with Ashalla and gave up rather quickly. Just a heads up

....

It is worth asking what Roog will be doing short-term and long-term. Roog has a duty, and that is to inflict death upon the dying, but that alone does not make for much of a story. I do think that Roog is capable of finding more to do and that he hasn't been written to be locked into one task, which is good, although I'd like Zurajai to ponder a bit more on what he'd like to do with Roog. Not necessarily put it into the sheet, but ponder it at least.

BB

You're pretty close to getting there. Just make a few changes and give us a bit more, and we'll be able to approve the sheet. Not yet, though.

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

@LokiLEo789 for Magdalene

Hider

The sheet got 3 votes for rejection. Let's go from the ground up.

My expectation was that since you're trying to drop Anzillu (leaving the rest of us to work around his absence from planned arcs and then to figure out what to do with him) in favor of a new character, this new character will be fantastic. Very interesting, very engaging, something that will take a more active role than Anzillu and go beyond merely being a substitute or a replacement, but actually an upgrade of sorts. Something more refined, a new iteration that will be better for both you as a writer and the RP as a whole. Naturally this means your sheet is going to be under a lot of scrutiny.

I'll start from the bottom up and explain why it doesn't meet my criteria.

You're missing an important word. Somewhat less importantly, but still worth noting, is that we saw a few typos and other errors. Beyond that, it feels like there's just some stuff that's missing. I'm not like one of those teachers that grades your paper based on the its length and encourages pointless drivel for the sake of word count, but I would like to see something about the demigod's origins/parentage, mannerisms, grander ambitions and goals (I will go into this shortly), quirks, and overall place in the world.

I think that Muttonhawk alluded to you on the OOC that the sheet would be better if Magdalene "had a goal that couldn't be completed in 10 minutes" or something like that. You give us the lofty and vague idea of a goal, "A collecter of such secrets...and from this does she gain the utmost pleasure." So she wants to learn secrets, and this is an endlessly renewable goal that could in theory go on for the entire length of the RP if she doesn't grow out of it or decide to do other things (and you've given us no indication of an intent to pursue such character development). The issue is that you might as well just make a god that likes killing people. It sounds neat to have a god that wrests secrets away from people or a god that runs around massacring things, but quickly the readers and the writers alike are bound to grow bored of such one-dimensional things.

What would you actually do with a secrets portfolio? With all the secrets that Magdalene collects? What sort of story can you tell with such a character that would be better and more engaging than what you sought out to tell with Anzillu? What would Magdalene's existence add to Divinus? Right now the vibe that we get is that she's got no past or future apart from messing with people for gits and shiggles.

You did some things well. BBeast liked that the appearance (visage of an old hag, as he put it) in such a way that itself conveys aspects of her persona. You've certainly got a thematic framework than could work if you add to it and address those complaints above me, but I'd caution you to be wary of falling too deeply into a trope. It's good to have a unique spin on the "Creepy old witch" stereotype.

Well there you have it Loki, rejected for now. No hard feelings from us, we just want to see more out of you before we give the A-okay.

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

Cyclone's To-Do List of Wiki Articles:

• The Sky of Pyres (lol)
• Katharsos (finish the skeleton of an article that's there now)
• Cyclopes
• Atlas
• Balam
• Zotz
• Ku
• Uselessly vague page for Archie

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

@BBeastAfter spending sometime to think over my character, I think I would like to pull out. Thank you for your comment and your time for my application. Your comments are highly appreciated. And I would like to sorry for making you to waste so much time without having any result, but I guess I was not cut out to join Advanced yet.

@Doll Maker@LokiLeo789 I would also like to apologize to both of you for doing all these plannings but come to no result. I am sorry.

But anyway, good luck and thanks for having me the few months.

@Scarescrow

Don't feel bad about anything! Thanks for letting us know, and we likewise wish you good luck with all your future writing and other things.