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@Enkryption More or less good, although perhaps a couple things.

To better define your sorcery, make a new name to put Ionizing Purity and Shock and Awe under one umbrella for the sake of the Independent. From what I can tell, her sorcery is based on the body, and gives her more control over what it can do and manage.

And I also recommend doing a bit of formatting, it had taken me a little extra time to sift through it. I am allowing the two weapons mainly because it is important for your fighting style, so do bear that in mind. It would be appreciated if the weapons didn't seem to blend together on your sheet.

Other than that, you're good.


I'm taking these are optional suggestions, though, I'll happily reformat the CS to look better than it's barebones form as I intended to do before I posted it.
That A/N never happened. My fanfiction days don't haunt me.
Warmth.

The connection of human flesh and... sorta human flesh... and the congregation of bodies slowly overwrote the chill that kept the mushroom woman asleep, and she shifted in Shizuka's arm, before she awoke - suddenly, weaving out of his arms, and springing off his shoulders. Landing on the head of the horse that bore the rider who demanded her audience, Alice would point her weapon at her; said weapon transforming and eyeing her with a deathly glare.

"Thou art haughty to demand an audience with a sleeping queen, foolish, even," Alice says, "Speak thine name, before mine patience takes leave of me, and thine own throat with."

Despite cresting at nine-feet, Alice seemed to place no weight upon the horse - though, it was definitely discomforted. Kikyo would be able to behold the queen in her a la carte glory - a soft form betrayed by toned muscles that held her clearly-heavy bust high, pulled her abs together in a subtle four-pack, and Kikyo could confirm any future rumours, Alice would need more than a fig leaf downstairs.

"Speak, warrior! Thine silence begins to rile, 'lest thou'rt seeking to do battle with a barbarous queen of war!" Alice barked.

Alice... really seemed to wake up and immediately choose violence, if disturbed.
@Sho Minazuki

Pretty much, the same on my end as Azure. But, they've divided the coming workload up, so I can slot back in with my character app, if that's cool.

In case anything needs last minute changes:

In fishing, the primary components were the tackle, the bobber, the line, and the rod; however, the most important part of the ensemble was the bait.

Especially live bait...

"Delicious..." Scarlett says, as the Makara's guttural summons were cut short by blood-soaked gurgles. From where she stood to it, a harpoon was connected by a length of chain that pulsed rhythmically, if beating with her heart. The spearhead was crossed between the eyes of the Makara, as it impaled it from the underside of its jaw and through the root of its mouth. Hooked, the harpoon would suddenly reel in, and the beast would crash into Scarlett, as if she were a rock upon the shore.

Sharpened fangs of steel sliced through keratin scales and into the sanguine muscle below, as the reinforced muscles of her jaws held tight; similarly strengthened muscles in her neck and shoulder worked to tear out the lion's share of her prey's throat. Rich with blood, the slack chain would fatten, and slither back into the housing that held the harpoon with the weapon, literally, at hand.

"Milli, return," Scarlett summoned, as the jewel glowed and recalled the snake. "Time to field-test my theory..."

Scarlett dropped the dying beast at her feet, and pressed her left palm to her shoulder. "Synergy!" Scarlett pushed on her shoulder; surging iron and magic into the muscle - the arm dissolving into blood and metal, as the construct named "Eosinophil" retracted her arm entirely into a hollow opening that rattled and hissed back at the approaching hoard. "Alchemy and Galdr! Science and Faith! Fuse together, and become the Key that unlocks the Pyro Gate! Uncage the Burning Serpent! The Iron-forge Hydra!"

All good Magicka arrived with the heraldic cry of a magical chant. That was just common knowledge.

Suddenly, however, Scarlett dropped to her knees - blood leaked out of her mouth and nose, as a massive serpent erupted out of Scarlett's shoulder with a torrent of bloody chains that morphed into false serpents and created the summon of a hydra, clad in red-hot iron, with five heads.

However, the flow of Scarlett's blood wouldn't staunch, as her body rejected the undisciplined, recklessly rushed ritual. It was difficult to synchronize and stabilize two lives in one body, as Scarlett was hosting Milli through herself, and the giant serpent required more resources that she could give. Two of the heads suddenly exploded and resumed their unaltered state as blood vessels; the thick, corpulent tethers writhing on the ground like blood-gorged worms flailing outside of Scarlett's body.

Milli acknowledged the threat of hemorrhagic shock and exsanguination on Scarlett's life, and brought her massive head down to lick at her face - worriedly coaxing her to pull back, and not push herself to the brink of death.

"You worry too much..." Scarlett seethed, before she released the spell, and the hydra vanished in a bloody display that mired the swamp with her iron-laden blood.

An objective threat that polluted the water, and created a temporary barrier around her. It would serve as a ward, until Hector and Shavis appeared... stumbling upon a scene of a war that never was, as Scarlett sat before her kill; eating it and feeding Milli, normal-sized, hunks of meat in alternation. Her right arm nothing but a weave of blood vessels that seems to be commanding the ward, as they pulsed with her heart.

"A helping hand wouldn't go amiss."
@Rune_Alchemist

As if you could, honestly, know anything about me from a single interaction, any better than I could know you. I took your opening statement as dismissive - just calling my character concept "fine" doesn't inspire confidence that you actually care. There were plenty of ways to address it, and you choose one that rubbed me the wrong way; I'm free to express displeasure in that.

If my response is rude and makes me a jerk to you, that's fine. It's your right to feel that way. However, it's double standards that you can label me as a jerk and call it there, but I cannot find you to be equally as rude to me. Fact of the matter is: I did address your critique in a longer write up of why I felt that I would be better off with the choices that I did made, and why your suggestions did more harm than good, because I did read the lore several times, and made decisions that I assumed could be discussed more in-depth.


I paid perfectly fine attention, in my opinion, to your lore, I took your suggestions into consideration, and I wrote up my reasons for why I opted for Blood Demon over the others, and what I thought, at the time, Whelp actually was. However, your critique was just telling me what I SHOULD do, and not once asking me why I made the pick I did.

All that said, you've asked that I leave, and I will, but I won't do so without defending myself. Perhaps, I jumped the gun in assuming what I did, but you're reply did not give me much confidence in anything else.

If you'd like to have an actual conversation, I'm more than willing. I find this setting to be interesting, and uncommon to the usual offerings. If your decision is final, however, then good luck in your future endeavors and this RP as well.
@Rune_Alchemist

So, I've been running this through my head, on and off, since I read it. I'll preface by stating, I'm receiving this critique/response from you negatively, due to your opening statement: "Overall, the concept is...mhm, fine."

That, alone, sets an incredibly poor and dismissive tone, and suggests you've thrown out the possibility of acceptance, which leaves everything else as justification and leads me to suspect that you, either:

A: Never expected anyone to petition for a Demon Maid or, B: Were underprepared for anyone to actually petition for one at all, by listing it as a “restricted race”.

I feel, if it wasn’t meant to be accessible by players, it shouldn’t be an option for players.

EDIT: Forgot to mention, I did had another idea. Since this is a Steampunk, I'm curious if there is a way to be a Mechanic Maid - like, is there a way to invent or improve upon existing technologies?

I'm doubtful that something like Steampunk Mecha are possible, but a Steampunk Power Armor doesn't feel too far-fetched with the setting.
@Rune_Alchemist

I'm actually at work myself, so I'll keep it to the basics of the idea:

The Demon is one of the Blood Clan, as it's the most applicable to what she is, a Butterfly Demon, and works best with how she came to work as a Maid. Hydrargyrum, or Mercury, as she'd be known by in a modern tongue, is a weak demon - a Whelp, almost Demon Beast. Her strength isn't in anything that a demon would be expected for: she uses her demonic control of the elements to bend the blood of corpses or herself into Blutterflies (Blut, German for Blood + Butterfly) and uses them for distractions - largely to run away.

Her purpose is to bake sweets, as butterflies are addicted to sugar, and will sip blood for it's sugar content. Hydrargyrum seeks to bring ruin to the world by baking cake, candy, and cookies with her blood inside (because it's sweeter than sugar), but she's, like, fighting a demon on Game Journalist difficulty.

However, before she was sealed, she pleaded her case: become a Maid, so she can kill other Demons and keep baking her sweets.


Should that not jive well, I am fine with an Emtomancer variant of her. Like I said, the Demon aspect is cooler than her being Human, but not a deal-breaker.
@Rune_Alchemist

Is this RP in a position to take on new players? It's a petty interesting concept, and I would like to argue for a Demon Maid, as no-one else has, and I've character concept in mind that, while it does work fine as a Human, it is slightly less cool.
<Snipped quote by Enkryption>

Thank you for that, then; it means a lot. But yeah, I was thinking hindering but not debilitating.

And thanks too; it also means a lot.


Nothing a little editing magic cannot solve. XD
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