FujiwaraPhoenix

Chronicles of a Lost War

Alright, quick bump before I start getting resources ready.

The RP will kick off sometime Thursday, at which point I'll close the RP's signups. From there, well... We'll see how things pan out.

Fate/Eternum

@Mystic Writer: Okay, let's start, I guess.

1. The first thing I'm noticing here is that the supplied form has not been used for either character, which, uh... I mean, I understand when people want to reorganize things to make their forms look prettier, but here there's a bunch of extra information that could be condensed elsewhere or that we don't necessarily need? I'd very much like it if you could repurpose what you have into what was given to some degree, for the sake of uniformity and clarity.

2. In regards to the Helena form, there's a lot of stuff that's... Basically just ripped off of the translation of her FGO Material III profile. What I'd like at minimum, in addition to the truncating and re-purposing of both forms, is for some manner of description to be written in regards to both her skills and NP.

And I mean actual rewriting here; her first and third skills are vague in description, such that we really don't have any idea what they can actually do. It's fine if you need to make stuff up, but the results need to be tangible.

Ideally, I'd like if you could write it all from scratch using the profile as a basis, just to make sure that you'd understand how the character functions from a personal point of view, but your plan was to push this onto someone else (and I'm not sure if ANYONE else has open slots), so... Things are weird here.

3. The Bathory bloodline. While it is plausible that a branch family could become magi, there are two (more pressing) problems here.

One: Why keep the family name if you're trying to distance yourself from the actual Bathory bloodline? It doesn't make much sense to keep it in trying to do something like that.

Two: I'd bet money that Liz is in the city already; if not, she's still very likely to pop out and, I would assume, have a higher precedence than the catalyst due to blood ties. That brings up a whole slew of problems on its own, and if you're trying to stay under the radar, sharing Liz's family name is a good way to get yourself marked regardless.
Also, like, Carmilla. The secondary problem in that regard lies here; even if she isn't summoned, both Servants are high profile such that there would be a great deal of explaining to do regardless.

4. The Clock Tower is not a tourist destination. Even in this presumed timeline where the MA is more centrist/liberal than they were in the past due to Waver's efforts, they're still not open for the general public. It's usually students, faculty, and people with business there that actually get inside, and a kid with his family on summer vacation usually won't cut it. On top of that, a magus family would generally have the resources to teach their child on their own, even if they aren't necessarily technologically incompetent. If they have expectations for the child, they would tutor in private (and given magus families, that's pretty common) or send them straight to the Clock Tower from the start, I would think.

5. It just feels weird writing up a form for someone else to use and expecting that to gain any traction. I don't think people are all that inclined to use a character that they don't necessarily have inspiration for, and that goes double when there's a limited number of character slots per player. I'm not sure how inclined people would be to give one of their choice slots for that sake, y'know?

That... Should be everything of note, really.

Fate/Eternum

@Mystic Writer: All right. Let's see here...

Hm. Well, for starters, the context for the character is making me think that things will fall apart without the Servant.

So, well, I'd like to see that before we continue here. You said you already have it written up, and this isn't an HGW scenario, so... Yeah, let's start with that.

Also, one thing to note on a surface level: Servant IDs are common knowledge in the city. Just, like, in general. People are registered with their Servants (unless they're odd cases or are technically illegal). Because... Well, yeah.

Fate/Eternum

@Mystic Writer: Hey, uh. Buddy.

Word of advice for the future: don't put forms in the characters tab if they haven't been approved yet. It's in bad form.

I'll look it over once it's been given in the OoC and removed from the Characters tab.

Chronicles of a Lost War

I've been told that. Multiple times. People don't believe me, but that's how it be sometimes.

Anyways, I guess I'll wait another few days for forms becore closing the doors and kicking things off.

Chronicles of a Lost War

@Lugubrious: It's Vandham! \o/
Well, not really, but close enough.
There's one tidbit that seems a bit off:

Eventually, Malachi did take up arms for the Empire

I think it'd be 'against' here.

But, like, other than that weird hiccup, the character should be fine. Edit that, then accepted.

Chronicles of a Lost War

@LunarisDaFox: All right, more to say even before you're done.

Alright, let's start with the elephant in the room: the character's got her rapist dad half-sealed away inside of her, and she's completely okay with it. Not only that, but despite an apparent seal (complete with absolute obedience), it looks like the old man's got all the powers from before (so the seal is, like, half useless).

Also, again, rapist dad. That does not jive well with the demigod of vengeance we have, who will absolutely annihilate them given the chance. Because, like... It's rape. You don't just forgive rape. Yeah, you exist because of that, but despite however many years pass, well... I mean, the deed is inherently taboo in pretty much every nation and scenario I can think of, so... Yeah.

On top of that, no limits for the summoning process itself, with capabilities that far outstrip that of... Most of the cast, I'd say? I don't think I like that. Also, Amaterasu lite without counterplay... Yeah, I'm not sure if I'd like designing encounters around that.

And, like, this is 'the strongest' one, so... There are more.
So she's a summoner with OP summons and then scaled that up way too hard. Yikes.

While we're on the topic of abilities, though, I'm not sure what relevance the second part of 'shadow smithing' has to the actual... Well, ability, I guess?

Next: I'd actually recommend (heavily recommend, in fact) that you run what you've written through some sort of word processor for spellcheck purposes. I caught about a few dozen individual spelling and grammatical errors that make it somewhat difficult to interpret what's being written, and cleaning up the legibility of your writing can go a long way in making it easier to convey the intent and direction of a given post.

That... Should be it? There was a lot to pick apart already, and I've finally had the time to just sit down and sift through it all. I'll chime in if there's more later.

Chronicles of a Lost War

• Name: Byron Cauna, the Jaguar of Keltyr
• Appearance: "Leave it to me."
• Age: 22
• Race: Beastfolk (Cat)
• Abilities: Byron is first and foremost a combat mage; by weaving in various spells into his already unorthodox style of combat, he is able to trap opponents and force them to move in ways that work best for him. While he has no particular magical specialty (as the fundamentals were taught to everyone who could learn in the first place), his tendencies towards self-enhancement and environmental manipulation have garnered him a reputation as a combatant who excels in skirmishes and trickery.
  
  Like many beastfolk, though, Byron possesses the ability to transform into an animal; in his case, he becomes a giant cat with high agility, which in turn allows him to execute enemies with impunity. While he cannot perform any of his usual tricks in this form, his physical capabilities and senses far surpass those of his usual human form, even when enhanced; in other words, it is a method to brute force the opposition into submission when all else fails.
• Skills: When it comes to skills necessary for daily life in a small village, like cooking, cleaning, or hunting, Byron has enough experience to not be wholly incompetent at the job. His specialty in guerilla tactics, on the other hand, has given him the experience needed to learn how to best disrupt his opponents, be they human, monster, or whatever else stands in his way. Covering his tracks, creating traps, moving unnoticed through enemy territory... All of it is within the realm of possibility for him.
• Personality: Byron, in short, is a problem solver, and an efficient one at that; not that it matters much when much of that work is done out of the public eye. Though he casts himself as a reliable ally to those that he trusts, the fact that much of his work is less evident makes him seem like no more than a friendly face in that regard, as he almost never becomes involved in larger conflicts unless his hand is forced. His proactivity outside of combat leads to him being the cause of more than one unorthodox "incident", though, which leads to its own set of problems. To that end, though, he is an opportunist, and when he cannot find openings, he makes his own instead.
  
  That being said, Byron's love for the odd and unexpected (in both military tactics and daily life) have led to him becoming a person who prefers to go with the flow if he can help it. While taking the reins in a situation is equally as fun, always keeping control becomes stale and boring; likewise, solving problems that have no right to be solved gives him a sense of satisfaction (and, in the case of combat, a rattled and angered enemy is far easy to manipulate than one with a cool head).
• History: Born in a small village in Keltyr, a nation in western Unira, Byron spent the first decade of his life with his parents and, later, two younger siblings. Two years before war had broken out, the nation that had dominion over his village sent out the usual examiners for magical prowess, and it was found that the young beastfolk had potential beyond that of the average mage. With his family's encouragement, the young Byron, at age ten, left for the capital to enter school.
  
  Two years later, however, war had broken out on the northern tip of the continent; as he was too young to be considered an 'adult', Byron paid the issue no mind. As the years passed and the news of a steadily encroaching army became apparent, though, the young man found a nagging fear in the back of his mind: that the army's approach would not stop until the continent was theirs.
  
  Spurred on by the fear of being unable to help his family when he was done with his studies, the young student's fears were eventually realized when the Volstanians arrived at the borders of the nation, demanding immediate capitulation or absolute destruction. By now, those who were fleeing had already left for the southern Unira, his family included; those who remained, himself included, were drafted into the Keltyran military regardless of background or origin.
  
  The young Byron made a name for himself over the next few years, distinguishing himself in combat and actively stalling the progress of Volstanian efforts on the western front to the point where he could be called a genius in the field (though, obviously, by no small effort of him with those who he worked with). That being said, though, he was by no means experienced, and though his own abilities were enough to place him in decisive battles, there was no way to hold out forever. Sooner or later, something had to give, and with battered and war-torn troops unable to fully hold the line, Keltyr, too, fell to the invaders.
  
  That loss, though disheartening, was not enough to shake Byron, and his feats leading to the penultimate battle of the Alliance a few years later were enough to have him chosen as someone to survive beyond their fall. And so, with a heartfelt farewell from his family, the beastfolk was chosen a 'hero' and sealed away, in hopes that his eventual return would bring with it the revenge that the Alliance's leaders so desired.
• Other: N/A

Chronicles of a Lost War

Aight, I'll accept people as their forms are declared complete.
That being said, I'll give feedback now while I'm approving forms.

@LunarisDaFox: Can I ask if you could maybe... Halve that age, at minimum? I think I'd actually prefer less than that (100-150), but otherwise, it's... A bit high, especially for a half-breed.

@WanderingSpirit: I actually really have nothing else to say; looks good so far.

@Ginnungagap: Mmm... We'll see. I'll probably divide the group if it gets too large, if it comes down to it.

@Crimson Paladin: Accepted.

@Rune_Alchemist: Also accepted.

@VitaVitaAR: Also accepted.

Oh, right, and here's mine.

Byron Cauna, the Jaguar of Keltyr

• Name: Byron Cauna
• Appearance: "Leave it to me."
• Age: 22
• Race: Beastfolk (Cat)
• Abilities: Byron is first and foremost a combat mage; by weaving in various spells into his already unorthodox style of combat, he is able to trap opponents and force them to move in ways that work best for him. While he has no particular magical specialty (as the fundamentals were taught to everyone who could learn in the first place), his tendencies towards self-enhancement and environmental manipulation have garnered him a reputation as a combatant who excels in skirmishes and trickery.
  
  Like many beastfolk, though, Byron possesses the ability to transform into an animal; in his case, he becomes a giant cat with high agility, which in turn allows him to execute enemies with impunity. While he cannot perform any of his usual tricks in this form, his physical capabilities and senses far surpass those of his usual human form, even when enhanced; in other words, it is a method to brute force the opposition into submission when all else fails.
• Skills: When it comes to skills necessary for daily life in a small village, like cooking, cleaning, or hunting, Byron has enough experience to not be wholly incompetent at the job. His specialty in guerilla tactics, on the other hand, has given him the experience needed to learn how to best disrupt his opponents, be they human, monster, or whatever else stands in his way. Covering his tracks, creating traps, moving unnoticed through enemy territory... All of it is within the realm of possibility for him.
• Personality: Byron, in short, is a problem solver, and an efficient one at that; not that it matters much when much of that work is done out of the public eye. Though he casts himself as a reliable ally to those that he trusts, the fact that much of his work is less evident makes him seem like no more than a friendly face in that regard, as he almost never becomes involved in larger conflicts unless his hand is forced. His proactivity outside of combat leads to him being the cause of more than one unorthodox "incident", though, which leads to its own set of problems. To that end, though, he is an opportunist, and when he cannot find openings, he makes his own instead.
  
  That being said, Byron's love for the odd and unexpected (in both military tactics and daily life) have led to him becoming a person who prefers to go with the flow if he can help it. While taking the reins in a situation is equally as fun, always keeping control becomes stale and boring; likewise, solving problems that have no right to be solved gives him a sense of satisfaction (and, in the case of combat, a rattled and angered enemy is far easy to manipulate than one with a cool head).
• History: Born in a small village in Keltyr, a nation in western Unira, Byron spent the first decade of his life with his parents and, later, two younger siblings. Two years before war had broken out, the nation that had dominion over his village sent out the usual examiners for magical prowess, and it was found that the young beastfolk had potential beyond that of the average mage. With his family's encouragement, the young Byron, at age ten, left for the capital to enter school.
  
  Two years later, however, war had broken out on the northern tip of the continent; as he was too young to be considered an 'adult', Byron paid the issue no mind. As the years passed and the news of a steadily encroaching army became apparent, though, the young man found a nagging fear in the back of his mind: that the army's approach would not stop until the continent was theirs.
  
  Spurred on by the fear of being unable to help his family when he was done with his studies, the young student's fears were eventually realized when the Volstanians arrived at the borders of the nation, demanding immediate capitulation or absolute destruction. By now, those who were fleeing had already left for the southern Unira, his family included; those who remained, himself included, were drafted into the Keltyran military regardless of background or origin.
  
  The young Byron made a name for himself over the next few years, distinguishing himself in combat and actively stalling the progress of Volstanian efforts on the western front to the point where he could be called a genius in the field (though, obviously, by no small effort of him with those who he worked with). That being said, though, he was by no means experienced, and though his own abilities were enough to place him in decisive battles, there was no way to hold out forever. Sooner or later, something had to give, and with battered and war-torn troops unable to fully hold the line, Keltyr, too, fell to the invaders.
  
  That loss, though disheartening, was not enough to shake Byron, and his feats leading to the penultimate battle of the Alliance a few years later were enough to have him chosen as someone to survive beyond their fall. And so, with a heartfelt farewell from his family, the beastfolk was chosen a 'hero' and sealed away, in hopes that his eventual return would bring with it the revenge that the Alliance's leaders so desired.
• Other: N/A

Move forms over whenever.

Chronicles of a Lost War

@LunarisDaFox: Okay, quick quip from me:

Can I please ask that you not use fonts that are difficult to parse? I'm having trouble even reading the name, and I fear people having to type that out.