Sep — Roleplayer Guild

@Sep
The proofreading we did together before this one went out really helped the post but there’s still some syntax stuff that could be a bit tighter to really elevate the read that extra step. A lot of different angles here and a lot of different characters playing all their individual games so it’s nice to get a broader look at the fallout of Thor’s actions and how his wider friends and family truly regard him. Coulson’s introduction is fun as well. Posts are getting better but there’s always more room for improvement.

I like HenryJonesJr’s guest spot as Coulson, and Thor is clearly learning or realising a lot about what he’s missed in the world of Humans in the time his people have been away. There are a few stilted hiccups as the writers switch over but for the most part it flows fairly naturally and reads pretty well. I would have expected a bit more reaction to Mjolnir’s appearance through presumably several walls - not necessarily from Coulson, as his character has always been the unflappable type, but certainly from SHIELD officers or security. But it’s nice to see the organisation doing their thing and it makes a lot of sense.

I feel like we did some good work together with the proof-read of post 6 and you’ve pretty much immediately fallen back into old habits. Typos are better, don’t get me wrong, but syntax and rhythm is still way off. I’m honestly a little lost with Loki’s audience with the Olympians as well, and it feels like a very roundabout and protracted scene to say ‘watch out for the WW and Thor collab coming soon’. Not sure what Loki’s agenda for this visit was - I initially thought he was coming to dob Thor in for breaking the treaty and pit Olympia against Thor and Asgard, but it seems it was more to say the treaty as a whole was defunct rather than just Asgard’s side broken. Sif’s discovery in the final part of this post is probably the best section, and so far Beta-Ray-Bill and the ship he was discovered on has been the most interesting part of your ongoing story.

Bor’s introduction and the following combat is decent, it’s a bit out of left field for me as I didn’t feel like there was much build up or foreshadowing of Bor’s appearance, and his motives seem unclear, especially as he seems to be cognizant of who he is and who Thor is etc etc. Hope we find out more about Bor soon.
@Roman

Gave me a lot to think about. Obviously I still have much to learn from you o'mighty master in regards to wherever the syntax issues are coming from. AS honestly a lot of the time, even on re-reads, I'm not seeing them.

In terms of the Loki subplot there's more to come, just you wait and see.
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