Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Hero
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Hero Sincerest of Knights

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I'll have to drop out unfortunately due to IRL issues (for once in a positive light, working on getting a promotion), I sincerely apologize and wish you all the best!
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
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Akayaofthemoon

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@Hero

Congratulations! I wish you the best and thank you for taking the time to answer back. :)
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Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Lady Selune
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Lady Selune Lamia Queen, Young and Sweet.

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@Akayaofthemoon

How long has Allison been in Wonderland?
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
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Akayaofthemoon

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@Lady Selune

We all decided that everyone should have been there roughly a week so we could get passed the introduction phase and do flashbacks if need be to explain how they got there.
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Hyro
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Hyro The Travelling Bard

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@Akayaofthemoon
Well, hello there. I've been referred to this roleplay as I hear it's a good time.
Hoping to join as a male Alice.
I'll drop my character below, though fair warning, the backstory is dark as all hell.

WITH EDITS:

Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
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AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

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Previous Occupation:
Street Performer


You already know this from me, but what does Street Performer mean? Guitar player? Poetry? Art selling?


Personality:
A bit of a pacifist except by means of self-defense, the boy is completely untrusting of most people. Drake tries to avoid violence like a plague, having grown up in a household where he tried to stop it from happening on a consistent basis. That said, his temper sometimes causes violence to find its way around to him anyway. He’s generally cool-headed when unprovoked, but doesn’t tend to like anyone getting too close to him. Drake has absolutely no idea how to have fun or goof around much and has a fair amount of anxiety in social settings that he does his best to hide. In some cases he can come off a bit cold at first - a defense mechanism of his - however if one earns his loyalty, there’s a much kinder, protective side to him that will begin to show its face.


Okay how I broke this down;

Negative traits-
Cold at first
temper
Distrusting of people
doesn't let people get too close
no fun
no personality
doesn't goof around
anxiety in new situations

Positive traits-
Cool headed, though I find this a tad bit contradictory considering he also has an explosive temper. Perhaps defining this better, cool headed how, what scenarios is he often cool headed in, etc.

Neutral traits-
Pacifism

But;
How does his own violence affect him and make him feel? Is that an insecurity of his?
What are traits he admires in other people that earn his loyalty? What are things he respects?
What are his own likes and dislikes?

I am not saying to go deeply advanced. But right now the personality feels very lacking needed details.

Skills:
Drake is incredibly street smart. Without any real intimate education, the boy lacks any advantage on the intellectual spectrum, but he’s learned enough from reading in his earlier days to at least fake his way up. His potential for schooling is likely far above average.


What is street smart? Define what street smart skills? Is he a god con man? A manipulator? Sleight of hand?
I am not one hundred percent sure if he can both lack the advantage of Educational Intelligence, but then also have the potential of schooling. It does seem a bit contradictory in its statement. Perhaps clarify on this wording.

Drake grew up in a seemingly normal household at first. His elder brother Jhock was quite a bit older than him, leaving a gap in their generation, but his younger brother, Kyle, was a bit closer in age. The age gap played a huge role with Drake and Kyle’s relationship, the two of them growing to be practically inseparable while Jhock adopted the role of babysitter.

It was this kind of dynamic that caused problems later on. When Drake’s parents got a promotion and had to travel abroad, Jhock graduated from babysitter to caretaker. This was a lot to ask of a kid just reaching high school and Jhock wound up taking a huge psychological hit. The ported money their parents sent him was used for alcohol and drugs, and the rest was cheap, boxed meals to feed the other two in the house. Drake learned how to cook because of this, but that didn't make things any easier for them. Jhock was pretty quick to develop bad habits and sent a metaphorical middle finger to his parents, playing hookie at school and leaving Drake and Kyle alone at home more often than not. Their parents rarely came home to visit much, and when they did, Kyle and Drake were forced into silence, as one of the worst habits Jhock had picked up was physical abuse as means of control.

This neglect and abuse blossomed as the years went by, with Drake learning to play caretaker for his younger brother when Jhock wasn’t home and, in some cases, hiding Kyle and himself from Jhock when he was. It was rough, but at least the two had each other, and they only continued to grow closer as time passed. That was until one fateful day, when Jhock returned drunk and angry to find a certain someone had spilled grape juice on the carpet. It was Drake who did it, and yet enraged eyes immediately fell on Kyle as the culprit. Their elder brother smashed a bottle against the nearest wall, the neck of it in his hand, and approached Kyle with a predatory stumble. Drake, feeling he had no other choice, stepped between the two only to get knocked aside so hard he struck the ground and wound up in a daze. This interruption only threw Jhock into a blinding rage, and what happened next, well...

The image of his 9 year old brother unmoving on the floor, bleeding out, not breathing...
It was an image Drake had trouble getting out of his head to this day.

Jhock blamed him, told the almost 15 year old kid it was all his fault and that Kyle would still be alive if he’d been a better babysitter. If he could have been stronger and able to stand up for himself. If Drake hadn’t made him angry, this wouldn’t have happened. Jhock simply couldn’t handle what he’d done and shifted the blame, but that didn’t stop Drake from feeling somehow responsible for murder while Jhock went off to shut himself inside his room.

When Drake finally came around to check up on his elder brother - to apologize and seek advice on how to fix everything - he was met with the image of Jhock hanging from the ceiling, a noose around his neck.

It was too much.
It was all his fault.

He had to go.

Tears in his eyes, the boy grabbed as many belongings as he needed, strapped his guitar to his back, hopped on Jhock’s motorcycle and left. He kept going, kept driving, no destination in sight. No goals, no future. Only numbness and a need for survival. The bike eventually ran out of gas and he ditched it on the side of the road. His guitar earned him money, and money earned him food and an occasional hot shower, but he never craved more, never felt he deserved it. This was his life now.

One day, he was tuning his guitar in an old, dusty alley when he heard a noise. A sort of ticking like that of a clock. It was coming from the opposing wall, one decorated in urban artwork of a portal and other various pictures reminiscent of LSD induced trips. Setting his guitar down, he approached it, moving to lean his ear against the wall. What he didn’t expect was to fall right through it, winding up in Wonderland.


I'll be frank and say this history is serviceable. It's written well enough. But it's not really grabbing. It feels a bit surface, without any of the depth involved to make the character feel like a person. While this is more personal taste, I feel it's written more like what I call "Grocery List" this happened, so then this happened, and so this is how he reacted it to it. But it lacks the why he reacted in that way. It lacks the grounding. I also find it a bit cliche, but it's not bad.

Currently, what's holding this sheet back is vague language, which I feel is a problem in your other works as well. As I had the time to check them out. Without definition or defining the finer details. I agree a sheet can be a summary. I agree a sheet doesn't need a lot of detail. But what detail is given, should be clear, concrete, and be comprehensible.

The Three Cs.

As said before. The sheet is decent. If I was really heavy handed I'd go into some of the writing problems, but because this isn't the advanced section. I am simply asking for more clear, concise depth of the character and won't focus on those details.

I hope you understand where I am coming from.



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Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Magister
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Magister

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Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
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Akayaofthemoon

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@beautyofthedark

Hey, I haven’t heard from you in awhile and just want to make sure you are still with us.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
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Akayaofthemoon

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@Magister

Congrats and welcome! Please move Roderic over to the Character Tab when you are ready
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
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Akayaofthemoon

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@beautyofthedark

It has been weeks of silence and you did not give a heads up to any personal things going on or to having a busy schedule. I don’t mind people being gone for months if they keep me updated.

I gave a few days to see if you would get on but you are still gone. Communication is key and I have stated before.

This will be your first warning. If I do not hear from you after a week from this message date then I will have to remove you from this RP since their was no talk of you absence.
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by VitoftheVoid
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VitoftheVoid thesunthesunthesunth

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Aaand, here's my profile.

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Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by VitoftheVoid
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VitoftheVoid thesunthesunthesunth

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(Nothing to see here but Vit's shame.)
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by VitoftheVoid
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VitoftheVoid thesunthesunthesunth

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(Nothing to see here but Vit's shame.)
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by CollectorOfMyst
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CollectorOfMyst

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...Umm... that's a lot of profiles.

I'm guessing that I'm not the only one with Host problems at the moment. It took seven minutes for a post to post for me. Unless it is just me, since my laptop is half dying.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
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Akayaofthemoon

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@CollectorOfMyst

Yeah, guild isn’t having server issues today
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by VitoftheVoid
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VitoftheVoid thesunthesunthesunth

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Nah I'm just trying to create a unique selling point. All the posts.

Seriously yeah I had several server errors and it only registered as being posted on my end when there were three of them. Sorry for the profile spam folks.
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Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Akayaofthemoon
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Akayaofthemoon

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————

Nothing to see here.

Everything is fine and the RP will continue.
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Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by AngelofOctober
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AngelofOctober Backup Data's Ghost

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I am sorry that all I have done is upset everyone. I guess this RP is over as everyone is now either, fighting, muting, losing interest or doesn’t know what to say since this is so upsetting. It seems easier to express myself here as everyone is still going back and forth in Discord with my voice not being heard. I thought we had a strong team and a happy one but I’m worried that isn’t the case. I hate denying profiles. This....all of this is why....I didn’t want anyone to leave. I gave the option of doing loved other passed characters or trying something new but that didn’t do any help.

I have failed Midnight. I have failed my players. I have failed my Co-GMs.

I am so sorry. I didn’t say anything negative. I tried my best and it just went to hell....I can’t breath and I’m crying over the lost of possibly this RP which could have been great and the loss of friends....

I’m so sorry....

Right now it doesn’t seem like anyone wants to stay.


You didn't fail anyone. I thought I was helping people. It's why I gave the critique I did because I assumed they would like that sort of thing. Everyone on discord sometimes seemed nervous about their writing, and thought if someone pointed out some weak points they would be like "ah okay, that's what I need to focus on."

It's how I give my opinions on sheets in the way I did. If anyone failed it was me. Because nobody wanted what I had to say. Please keep Wonderland going for everyone else.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Furiosa
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Furiosa "Out here, everything hurts."

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@EchoicChamber

I thiiiiink they're more similar in size now. Hopefully.

Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by EchoicChamber
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EchoicChamber Something Forgotten

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@Furiosa Ayyy, that's dope. Thank you a bunch, Furi! You're awesome. I'll go ahead and replace the pics in a bit. c:
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