Hidden 4 mos ago Post by Hellion
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@HellionAlways a big oof when that happens


Tell me about it...

Essentially, I had a "Hacker" in mind, who was arrested, and instead of going to prison, was sent Daedalus Corp under the pretenses of "community service". But, then one thing leads to another and she is now theirs. If I crank it out in the next couple of days then great, if not, no biggie. I still like my original concept :)
Hidden 4 mos ago Post by GingerBoi123
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@HellionYeah, I like your original character too :) I think we got enough tech people as it is with two cyborgs and a woman with robot vocal chords xD
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Hidden 4 mos ago Post by Hellion
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Fair enough ;)
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Hidden 4 mos ago Post by Oxenfree
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Okay. Here we go, round 1 of CS reviews coming up. Apologies if I come off as harsh - I've got a bunch to do, so I'm only really hitting the areas that might want a tune up. If I don't mention it, chances are high that I liked it.

@MissCapnCrunch A very unique idea! Clockpunk has always been a favorite aesthetic of mine. I have three main notes that you may wish to address - the first being that her appearance doesn't seem to match with her nature as a clockwork girl recreated from a mangled body, unless Daedalus did an absurdly good job fixing her up to be normal. Second, her powers could be massively improved, if you wanted; this is, though a dark one, something of a superhuman RP, and I am worried that Charlize might be left without much to do if her only enhancements are 'permanent homeostasis'. Finally, her backstory at the moment reads a little more 'magical' than sci-fi, in that it seems like her father's efforts to rebuild her with random garbage actually had some effect, which is a stretch even by the incredibly stretchy sci-fi rules we've made here. An option you could consider is having her father actually have been a Daedalus Corp employee, which would explain not only how she passed into their possession but also how / why / if his attempt had any success. Something to consider.

@TheGrundlesnart The Dog! I really like how you played with the CS format to make it seem more like a document. Don't really have any specific notes, so, well done.

@Ever Alice is interesting - definitely an especially dark character. I think the CS could benefit from a bit more specific detail about her modifications as well as the experiences she's had growing up - she's come very far from the five year old that was stolen, so seeing some events from her life since then that lead to her development might be interesting.

@Hellion I only have one real note about Sam, which is that I'm not entirely sure what her powers can do - is 'manipulating tattoos' purely affecting the way they look, or something more? If the former, you could certainly put a bit more juice into it, if you want - your choice, of course.

@GingerBoi123 Gotta love a good cyber-soldier. The Ronin is great - I think he'd do well as a contrast to the other characters and work with the 'revenge' narrative well. My only note is that he seems very rooted in the trope of cyberpunk style soldier, and while there's nothing wrong with that I think he could benefit from some specific backstory elements or personality traits to set him apart as 'unique' (the 'favorite thing to do' is a good opportunity for this - the question is on the sheet because it can make characters feel more 'alive', if that makes sense).

Alright, I did it, finally. Again, these are all just suggestions - you're not obligated to take them and if you don't, that doesn't necessarily mean you won't get a spot. Thank you all so much for the great work, reading these CSes has been an absolute delight!

I should also probably get mine done at some point, come to think of it.
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Hidden 4 mos ago Post by GingerBoi123
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@OxenfreeThanks for the prompt feedback! The only reason I didn't put something into his "Before all this section" is because he's meant to have amnesia from the experimentation but I definitely get what you're saying.
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Hidden 4 mos ago Post by MissCapnCrunch
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@Oxenfree

The moment I see my feedback being the longest my stomach drops.

- I felt the appearance was fitting, it's not like her face was shot up. Insides of her chest were more mangled than anything; But I understand that thought. It wasn't a big thought to me, but very much understood.

- I personally felt the ability to produce life was very powerful, but understood as well.

- I think sci-fi and magic are a bit intermixed; but it was technology that created her back to life rather than just random items. Those garbage parts were just chucked in there and had no effect- it wasn't until Daedalus got a hold of her that she even had a chance of living; which was mostly replaced by electronics and tech- but I understand this comment too. I like the idea of having her dad be an employee; it's a clever thought for sure.

However, after all is said and done :) I think I will be pulling out from the roleplay, don't want to compete with all these talented writers, especially when my thoughts aren't on the same page as everyone else. Good luck and have fun everyone!
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Hidden 4 mos ago Post by Oxenfree
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@Oxenfree

The moment I see my feedback being the longest my stomach drops.

- I felt the appearance was fitting, it's not like her face was shot up. Insides of her chest were more mangled than anything; But I understand that thought. It wasn't a big thought to me, but very much understood.

- I personally felt the ability to produce life was very powerful, but understood as well.

- I think sci-fi and magic are a bit intermixed; but it was technology that created her back to life rather than just random items. Those garbage parts were just chucked in there and had no effect- it wasn't until Daedalus got a hold of her that she even had a chance of living; which was mostly replaced by electronics and tech- but I understand this comment too. I like the idea of having her dad be an employee; it's a clever thought for sure.

However, after all is said and done :) I think I will be pulling out from the roleplay, don't want to compete with all these talented writers, especially when my thoughts aren't on the same page as everyone else. Good luck and have fun everyone!


Well, thank you very much for your interest, and if you change your mind, you're more than welcome to let me know!
Hidden 4 mos ago 4 mos ago Post by thedman
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Alright, finally finished my CS. I was inspired by @TheGrundlesnart's CS, and used a similar "document" style.

Hidden 4 mos ago 4 mos ago Post by NorthernKraken
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Hidden 4 mos ago Post by Hellion
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@Hellion I only have one real note about Sam, which is that I'm not entirely sure what her powers can do - is 'manipulating tattoos' purely affecting the way they look, or something more? If the former, you could certainly put a bit more juice into it, if you want - your choice, of course.


No worries, I realized that it was a bit convoluted. Essentially, I like to think of her tattoos as "coming alive" in a sense, but the ink itself acts almost like Venoms tentacles, whereas they can lash out and attack. The tattoos can also act as sort of shield, hardening and mitigating damage in the affected areas.

In any case, I'll rework and let ya know :)
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@thedman

Whelp, I'm just gonna go ahead and pretend our CSs aren't really similar... I would change mine, but I spent to long working on the damn thing to redo my whole concept =/
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@NorthernKraken

Yeah, I feel that. Although, I could change mine a bit if you'd like.
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@thedman Thank you for being the bigger person - I'd majorly appreciate it if you did, but don't feel like you have to just to accommodate my stubborness/other annoying trait I can't think of the word for right now. You did technically post first, so by rights I should probably bite the bullet and edit mine :/ It's probably more my fault for my habit of basing character design off abilities..
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@NorthernKraken It's no problem. What would you want me to remove? I figured I could remove my guy's emotion-sensing ability, as it isn't a massive part of his character, while its the basis of your guy's powers.
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@thedman That'd be amazing, thank you!!! That would probably be the main bit I'd be concerned with - the slight similarity between the procedure could probably be explained pretty easily by the deadalus peeps just recycling techniques. Thank you again!!! My stomach literally drppped when I saw your character was an empath too lol
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@NorthernKraken No problem! I actually had a similar reaction earlier on- I had an idea for a character, then when I looked, someone had made a character with a very similar idea, and I had to go back to the drawing board.
Hidden 4 mos ago Post by GingerBoi123
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@thedmanWhat was the OG idea?
Hidden 4 mos ago Post by NorthernKraken
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God damn, 2 in 1 rp! That's... really unlucky, sorry about that...
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It was a character that used nanomachines to create weapons and armor. I decided that it was too similar to @TheGrundlesnart's character, in that he would have nearly the same abilities, but with nanomachines instead of biomass.
Hidden 4 mos ago 4 mos ago Post by Naive1
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@Oxenfree CS here

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