BrokenPromise

Danganronpa: Tower of Carnage (Finished!)

Lucy was able to writeone more list for her collection. But still, she didn't feel like she was any closer to catching the killer. ”Hmm...” Lucy scratched her chin. There was something they were looking over with these lists. Something that didn't quite add up. And lucy Fairglave was going to find out what it was.

”So...” Jezebel raised an eyebrow. ”Are we going to like, talk about the mask now?”

”Wha?” Bliss raised a finger to her lips. ”The mask?”

”The killer totally needed it, right?” Jezebel folded her arms. ”Weren't we like, going with the idea that betty got gassed?”

“So the killer needed to get the mask on Mercy!” Emily leaned forward and placed her hands on the podium befor her. But this required her to ram her arms into her breasts, which were wider than her chest was. “Did anyone spot Mercy today? We need to form a timeline of where she's been.”

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

@Calle

Hider

There were some phrases that didn't flow very well. As an example, “Mosquito’s saw in them an easy meal” could be changed to to “The mosquitoes saw an easy meal.” You also didn't use the plural form of mosquitoes in that particular example. There weren't a lot of errors, but with it being so short, they become that much more critical.

As a joke you might tell a group of friends, I think it did its job. As a contest entry, it felt very low effort. The descriptions were brief. the fishermen had no real character to speak of. You get the idea. Those fisherman could have had a lot of interesting conversations about their scenery, but not a single word of dialog is spoken. Not to the reader, anyway.

@vocab

Hider

The formatting of the story is much easier to read this way. And I hope you continue to use it. Unfortunately, this is still going to be a light review. With so many “intentional” spelling and grammatical mistakes, trying to review those aspects of the story would be an exercise in futility.

I suspect while reading I was suppose to come up with my own theory of what “Noman” was. But there weren't enough hints. Or maybe there were, but it just became too tiring to read the story while trying to figure out what was going on. I think a lot of the descriptions would have been more interesting if Noman's inability to understand the world was more subtle. As-is, there's very little to work with. Between Noman's confused sense of self, inability to identify his surroundings, and “something” tampering with his records, there's no sure footing for the reader to take hold of.

@Briza

Hider

Grammatically, the story was pretty good. But it had a rough start.

They were both lying in the meadows with their bodies folding down the soft grasses upon and into themselves.

Briza

This is a mouthful. In particular, I would like to see less discription on the grass. “Folding down the soft grasses upon and into themselves” could be reworded so many different ways. “Folding the grass into itself” would be my own suggestion. It paints the same mental image.

Along the sky were white, velvety clouds, fluffy and light in their weight, held against the gentle blue that expanded across the horizon that wrapped around the mountain top.

Briza

I'm already out of breath. It needs to be broken up into two sentences or we need to cull some ajectives.

A tall, gaunt piece of crowfoot grass stuck out of Matthias’ mouth. His tongue fiddled with the ends, toying with the dew and water.

Briza

“He built the house out of wood and lumber, which he got from the forest and trees.”

Due and water are the same thing.

A playful breeze accompanied him and combed the ribbons of its breath through his hair and tickled his skin.

Briza

I understand breath, but ribbons?

Matthias did not let go of her hand after he had found his bearings, as he had made the firm decision that he would be the leader on this expedition, not her.

Briza

Merged sentence. Comma could be a period, and “as” can be removed.

There was an interesting curl or pollen or whatever that was called coming from the center of the blossom.

Briza

Anther or a Stigma! Not actually a critique.

But yea, the writing got a lot less cumbersome as it went on. Those were my biggest problems with the grammar.

I really liked the characters in the story. You did a good job of displaying Matthias as a typical tween boy and Cassie as a mysterious girl. Their body language and dialog was cleanly written. I enjoyed Matthias's inner musings, but it was a bit redundant at times, as his thoughts were plainly evident in his actions. And while head hopping is more accepted in present times, I felt Cassie's character would have been even stronger if we saw the entire story from Matthias's point of view.

I'm not really sure how to feel about the twist. You foreshadowed “something,” that much was evident while I was reading. But we're in this seemingly huckleberry fin era setting and the twist felt out of place with everything else. Having an alien space craft beam them up at the end would... have probably been slightly more jarring than what actually happened.

I liked your story. Thanks for sharing.

@SleepingSilence

Hider

There were a lot of grammatical errors in this one, Sometimes every sentence in a paragraph. I've decided to only check the first few paragraphs to avoid redundancy.

Ross carried the red cyclamens; a dozen bundled together like the battle scars bared on his bare back.

SleepingSilence

Bared on a bare back? I'm pretty sure battle scars aren't bundled.

Matching the amount of mosquito bites branding his knees.

SleepingSilence

This is an incomplete sentence. I'm not sure if it's the quantity or shape of the cyclamens/scars that is being referenced here.

The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead.

SleepingSilence

You're not winning any awards for your word usage. I doubt most people know what a kapok tree looks like, and sweat doesn't look or move anything like drool.

Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers.

SleepingSilence

You know, I had no idea what you were talking about in the sentence before. But now I know exactly what you're talking about. The unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises does drool just that way, doesn't it? And I remain concealed beyond the creepers all the time. So that reference isn't lost on me.

Seriously, what the hell did I just read?

Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step.

SleepingSilence

I think there's a missing word here. Otherwise, I have no idea if Paranoia is some new character, a person, etc.

Elbowing checking the low hanging branches, blocking his march through the mud.

SleepingSilence

Elbowing checking? This entire phrase could be re-written to improve clarity.

Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out.

SleepingSilence

Not ever verb and noun needs to have an adjective attached to it, you know?

Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks.

SleepingSilence

Presumably, you are talking about the plant eating the bird, rather than the bird eating the plant. But it's not very clear. This could have been much better if you used more than two sentences to show what was going on. It's the only exciting thing that's happened in this paragraph and it's over with in less than ten words.

“Heeey.” Echoed softly in an easily distinguishable direction, as if it beckoned him.

SleepingSilence

Easily distinguishable, but not to the reader. And I'm pretty sure it did beckon him.

The same voice spoke out. Their accent was unfamiliar, but still clearly speaking his language. “Come Clossser.”

SleepingSilence

Of course it's the same voice, it's in the same paragraph, right?

Pulling out a jagged dagger from the holster strapped to his hip, glancing at the blade embedded with his initials; ‘R.K’. He turned around and approached the plea, hoping that he wasn’t the sap about to be snared.

SleepingSilence

Just have him pull out the dagger in one sentence, examine the knife in a second sentence, and finally approach the voice in the third. You're trying to do way too much here.

Meeting a flash of light coming from the first opening in the canopy, seeing beaming from the skies.

SleepingSilence

What is “seeing beaming?” I've never seen two words with an “ing” ending put side by side like that, and this is the second time you've done it. People probably don't do it because it doesn't work.

Facing an enormous elder tree that appeared to have a face carved into its trunk; big angled eyes, and a wide open entrance of blackness.

SleepingSilence

It's a bad idea to start a sentence with one of those “ing” words most of the time. It doesn't show possession. You could say “he/Ross was facing” But I think the present tense “He/Ross faced” would be better still.

“What bringsss you to my humble abode?” The snake asked tongue wiggling out.

SleepingSilence

You actually forgot a comma. I'm really surprised by that, because nearly every sentence up to this point has had a comma or a semi-colon.

How the adjectives sounded like the words they were paired with made the prose read like some sort of weird tongue twister. Bit it definitely wasn't nine nice night nurses nursing nicely. Which might have been the intention, but it didn't work for me.

I'll admit adventure stories of this nature aren't my cup of tea, but all the same, I felt it could have been done better. I don't understand why he was in the jungle, had to go to a volcano, then traverse a lot of different dream areas to finally get to where he had to go. I understand these places had a significance “artistically,” but in the context of the story there wasn't any rhyme or reason for it.
I know sometimes less is more. But nothing is always, well, nothing.

And the winner is...

Briza's “Say, ‘Yes,’ and we can stay here forever.” gets my vote. It wasn't perfect. But there's effort there that goes beyond the word count, and it fits with the theme of the contest.

RPGC #18: Adventure Calls - Voting and Critique

@Nuriko and that's the beautiful part about a vote system. We can all vote for whatever we want.

I'm working on reviews. They should be ready Sunday/Monday-ish.

Are spreadsheet games allowed?

sounds like it could easily fit in the nations RPG section.

How Many People Can One of Your Characters Fight Off

My weakest character couldn't take on one normal person. My strongest shrugs off every man made invention to ever exist, from arrows to atomic bombs. I am the full spectrum.

Danganronpa: Tower of Carnage (Finished!)

You massive THOTS a monkey could do your jobs better than you what is this even

Felix revealed that he had moved a box of books from the study into Mercy's possession. That would certainly explain how that particular book ended up in the chemistry lab. ”Even if you were the one who moved it to the chemistry lab, that doesn't necessarily mean you were the only one who knew about it. Anyone who entered the study could have looked into that box.” Lucy looked at everyone. ”Well? Who else was there?”

Caora nodded. ”Bliss was reading to me, so we were looking for books. ”

Jezebel rolled her eyes, but was smiling.
Like, You, Zachary,Thomas, Braiden and myself were in and out of there a lot over the past few days. We even had breakfast this morning together. ”

Lucy continued to write. ”Calvin” She spoke without looking at him. ”I understand you enjoy playing house with Ice and Alice, but we are doing an investigation now. Why were you in the study today?”

Bliss cleared her throat. ”I went to the pharmacy to get some medicine for Caora. I saw him on the beach and he was running a fever. It was bothering him, so I got him some aspirin, that's all.”

Ice had come forth about visiting the pharmacy, but didn't say what he took. And of course, Noel, Thomas, and Denis were also in the pharmacy. While Cyrus didn't say he was in the pharmacy, he did admit he had access. Lucy wrote down each name.

Unfortunately, there was little else to gain from this round of debate. Calvin, Ice, and Alice all squabbled over details about the bandage. Such outbursts were understandable in a high stress environment, but unhelpful nonetheless. Lucy just did her best to smile. ”At this point, I don't think it's possible to say exactly when she bandaged herself.” Lucy put her hands on her hips, but still kept a good hold on her pen. ”It's okay, I can solve this case without knowing exactly when the bandages appeared. Inspector Lucy never fails a case! Fwahwahwha!”

...And then Faith started speaking, which Lucy mostly ignored. But Daimyon and Faith were both directing their questions at Bliss, who was compelled to answer. ”I never said I was sick!” Bliss brought her arm up in front of herself, as if to defend herself from a pack of dogs. ”I was just feeling weak. It's been stressful, and I haven't been sleeping much. So I went to my room to take a nap so that I was fresh for the concert. I didn't see anyone!”

Lucy looked at her notes. So far they had a...

-List of people who saw mercy at about the same time she could have been poisoned with Mundinol.

-List of people who had access to the pharmacy.

-List of people who had been to the study.

”It's not enough.” Lucy said more to herself than anyone in particular. They needed more ways to nail the killer. ”Does anyone else have any leads?”

”I might.” Jezebel was holding the badge in her hand. ”So like, I was examining this thing, trying to figure out why Mercy had it? And then like, the lights cut out?” She pointed at the badge. ”The tip glows.”

Lucy's eyes shot open. ”The tip of the badge has Mundinol on it?”

”And blood too at some point.” Jezebel winked at the politician. ”You totally had the right idea, just the wrong piece of evidence.”

”This could be important...” Lucy wasn't sure if this alone would help point to the killer, but it sounded important. It had to help, right? ”Max, you said this was your badge, right? You also said that that you thought it disappeared while you were setting up the party.” Lucy gave the police officer a sideways glance and picked up her notepad. ”Did you encounter anyone while you were setting up?”

”He encountered me!” Jezebel said with pride in her voice. ”Had to let the noid know his knife throw was tre ass.”

Lunacy of Love: A CYOA Magical Girl Roleplay [Completed]

There wasn't much Amber could do to influence the battle at this point. With such a mighty hurricane in place, her projectiles would all veer off course, and she had no reason to hope her water magic could aid her shots. But she had more pressing concerns anyway. The goal wasn't to win the fight, it was to stop the ritual. Her body fluttered like a flag as she struggled to climb into the castle.

“Must...” She reached for a brick. “Get...” And another. “My...” And another. “Booty...” And another. “Inside!” Once Amber reached the door, her troubles weren't over. The hurricane was ripping the wind right out of the castle, and the pirate didn't dare try to close the window. Could the window even be closed?

---

So who knew Miss supernova could absorb magic? Sue just let out a “Huh?” in response. It wasn't that she wasn't scared. She was fighting along side giants. Even the weakest magical girl was surely stronger than a familiar. But combating that fear was outrage. All Sue had to do was think about what these people had put her captain through, what they put Deni through, to gain her courage. They were just hussies, all of them.

The beam wasn't doing much against Curie. However, she doubted the feline had the same ability to absorb magic. Or at least, that's what she suspected. To her, it made very little sense to have an elite team of magical girls that all shared the same abilities. So without much thought, the familiar attempted to split the lion monster in two. She could only hope Kimble wasn't as nimble in her new form.

How and why do RPs die?

On the player's side, drama between players, shifting interests, and life are some reasons why they stop showing up at an RP. but an RP can survive without it's entire core cast most of the time. I find that genuinely it's an inexperienced/overwhelmed GM who's made a few critical mistakes or has simply given up on their idea.

I was in an RP that was struggling to get posts. Some of the players left, and the RP went 2 weeks without seeing a post. I was interested, about 3-4 other guys were interested, but the GM pulled the plug because the pace was slower than what he wanted.

I also witnessed a GM chase away his core users by being extremely critical of their writing style. It wasn't even an advanced RP! Needless to say, the RP didn't last 2 weeks.

A classic example of a GM setting themselves up for early RP death was making an RP that required two writers to work in tandem with each other to get anywhere. Even if you get 10 players, you just need 2 or 3 to leave to end your RP.

That's not to say that it's always the GM's fault, just that they usually have the opportunity to turn things around provided they set up their RP the right way. But I'm going to say the biggest killer for RPs is probably...

Poor communication.

High Casual Rant

Wait, this was a serious topic?

The tone of the first post was kind of asking for an army of memes and armchair philosophers.

Danganronpa: Tower of Carnage (Finished!)

Caora picked up his stuffed sheep and looked at it. ”What do you think Fang? Is that how you remember it?” he looked to everyone else. ”I think the timeline goofy lady constructed is correct, that's what I remember too... Only I remember the masked doctor had a bandage on her hand. Or was she holding bandages when she was patching up Ice? Hmmmm...” Caora defered to Fang again, who said nothing.

Lucy was writing down the order in which everyone visited the pharmacy, per how Faith explained it. But her pen hand stopped when Faith started to “theorize” with Max. Faith was already blatantly ignoring clues and making assumptions so that Mercy could die just how they wanted her to. Jezebel had spoken to Lucy about the match maker, but she didn't think anyone could be that detached from reality. Thomas and Jezebel seemed to be right about them. Fortunately, Cyrus said something.

“That's right, I was there!” Some of the color returned to her face. “I think she had bandages on her hand, but I'm not sure if she was bleeding.” Emily swallowed. “I heard the stove beep, and I ran into it a little too hard with my chest. I panicked and sought out mercy to have her look at it. I'm sure she had bandages spooled on her hand like toilet paper. I can't really remember. But it was a bit after 4:30 when she finished up. She said she was going to see someone, right?”

Braden sighed. ” I don't think I saw any bandages. I'm pretty sure I'd have remembered a bleeding hand.”

“Wait, Calvin!” Emily placed her hands on her cheeks. “I saw you at the doctor's too! Why didn't you mention me?! If I was the killer I could have gotten away with it. You need to be careful...”

Monokuma giggled. ”As you all know, what made this motive so alluring is that you can turn one of your friends into a mindless zombie to do the killing for you!” Monokuma tipped his head. ”But there's not really much point if your 'hired gun' gets labeled the blackened right? Ultimately you're doing this for your own freedom. The case wouldn't be very interesting if the person who used the mask was considered spotless.” Monokuma folded his arms. ”I don't know about the lot of you, but to me, the blackened is the one who masterminded the case.” Killgood slid his paws over his mouth. ”Oh, and before you ask, everyone who asked for the mask was notified of this.”

Jezebel rubbed her chin. ”So like, we have an infected and a blackened...”

The bear smiled. ”Oh, but if the killer wasn't infected, then they are the blackened as usual.”

Lucy cleared her throat. ”I understand not everyone ca-” Suddenly the bandage popped up on a pedestal in the center of the room, and all the lights went out. However, nothing glowed in the darkness. When the lights flipped back on, Lucy examined everyone in the room with a scowl. ”I understand not everyone can be me, but let's stick to unearthing all the clues before we start dreaming up theories.” Lucy was writing down Everything Noel said. She could barely keep up with everyone, so she was writing a lot of it in shorthand. ”Noel, as I recall only you and Cyrus had access to the pharmacy. So everyone who wanted in would have had to have gone through one of you.” Lucy's expression started to lighten as she continued talking to the reporter. ”So if the killer needed access to the pharmacy, they would have had to have gone through one of you.” Lucy looked around the room. ”Though I'd prefer if everyone who went inside the pharmacy came clean on their own.”

Jezebel cracked a smile. ”I just looked over the chemistry book in question, and it totally came from the study. Like, everything from there has a stamp on it and junk, and this matches!” She raised the book up so that everyone could see.

”And I was in there the whole time, so don't any of you try to hide the fact that you visited. Speak up!”

”She didn't even need bathroom breaks!”

”H-how did you know that?” But Lucy didn't have a chance to get her answer, as Thomas was talking about Mercy's gait. ”If she was infected, that could be important in figuring out when she was infected.”