DarkwolfX37

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Mammalia>

Explain this em dash and what specifically I should do with it.

@DarkwolfX37

I don't know what "too purple" means. ;-;

Myriad Reality

@DarkwolfX37 This'll be a doozy.

Critique

Fast. That was the one thing that had enough time to become a realized thought. She's really fast. And then I was on my back, five feet from where I was standing with a pained jaw and a sharp pain from my landing. I could feel my back cracking as my limbs followed gravity's urging and leveled with the rest of me on the ground. Thankfully, I was spared her taunting this time. Rolling onto my stomach, I pushed myself back up and turned to face her once again. It took less than a second to get my guard up, and yet the instant that my hand reached its upheld position, a deep blow to my chest sent me flying once again.

(Second sentence is clunky and portrays something simple in far too many words. Something more like "That was all I had time to think." I also suggest italicising "Fast" and "She's really fast" to portray that they are being spoken of as thoughts. | "Pained jaw and a sharp pain" is redundant. "Throbbing jaw" or some other participle will do better. | "Deep" seems the wrong adjective for "deep blow". "Heavy blow" may work better, or some other adjective.)

"You've got to predict the opponent's move before they make it. Against a dangerous enemy, your reaction time is long enough to kill you multiple times over."

I know that. Of course I know that. Training with my father aside, I've been training with a monster for a year now. A monster that is by all means fascinating. Demons and "demons" have been a fascination of mine since a young age, and thanks to her I'm acutely aware of how hard it is to fight them. These thoughts raced as I brought myself back to my feet and readied myself. My human body simply isn't able to keep up with hers, so an equalizer was necessary. I began to soak my shoes in my soul's natural energy as I prepared a plan of attack. My opponent and I stared at each other; it was obvious she was giving me a break that I didn't deserve, but I intended to take full advantage of it. The tension was broken quickly as I closed the distance between us, attempting a punch that was immediately used to throw me over her shoulder and onto my back for a third time in as many minutes.

(At first, I was confused as to why the tense had changed from past to present. Then you said that they were thoughts. To clarify this, I suggest italicising the thoughts again, and also changing "she" and "her" to "you", since he's thinking about the demon in front of him. | "These thoughts raced" would be better replaced by "Those thoughts flashed through my mind" to better portray how fast they were thought. | "My human body simply isn't able..." changes tense with no excuse. Unless the character is thinking, there is no excuse to suddenly change tense unless your story revolves entirely around doing so. | "The tension was broken quickly" is too wordy. "The tension broke" is a more common and less clunky alternative. "Between us" is also unnecessary. | You're using the passive voice a bit too heavily during this fight, which is frowned upon. For example: "... attempting a punch that was immediately used..." Though the subject is obvious, it's still jarring, so I suggest changing it to "...which she immediately used". Also, "A third" should be "the third".)

I hissed through my teeth at the pain. Standing up once again, I rushed at her, ducking below her punch and countering with one of my own directly into her solar plexus. A move that, had it connected, would have given me an advantage. As it were, she spun to the outside and quickly brought my arm behind my back to incapacitate me. After a moment she let go and we squared off again. All I had to do was get a "win" once, something that was challenging at best and infuriatingly difficult more commonly.

("A move that, had it connected, would have given me an advantage" is a fragment, and you should join it to the sentence with an em dash. If you don't like using em dashes, you can reword the sentence to state the same thing with an actual verb. | "She spun to the outside" is vague. What is the outside? Try "she spun outward" instead. "Quickly brought" is both too beige and too wordy--"yanked" would work better, here. "More commonly" is too purple. "More often" is a better alternative. As you can see, it's a fine line between beige and purple prose, but when it comes to first person writing like this, you're freer to use phrases which we would use often in real life. It's not good to obscure an idea too much--if three words can communicate your idea better than one, by all means, use them, but if one works better, then use it instead. Writing is about the flow, and too many words for one idea breaks that immersion as people have to process all of that.)

After another five minutes and twice as many defeats, I was ready to attempt my plan. As subtly as I could, I pull down the back of my shoe, keeping my heel outside of it. The instant my opponent began to rush at me, I kicked it forwards and the loose shoe became a projectile aimed at her head. Unsurprisingly, she dodged it, but that was the point. I instantly teleported to the shoe and, now midair, lashed out at her neck with my leg, catching her still moving in the opposite direction of the kick's force. Sent spinning by the action, I fell on my side a few feet away, but I had done it. I had landed a finishing blow in our match, and it was over. For the first time in months, I had beaten Zadkiel in our sparring.

("Pull" should be "pulled". Instead of "keeping my heel outside of it", "keeping the ball of my foot inside" would work better. This is because you're pulling the shoe down, and therefore off, so what people will imagine is the heel coming out first. "Keeping the heel outside" is redundant and even semantically incorrect. | You've already used "instant" two sentences ago, and that's too short of a time for "instantly" to not be redundant. "Immediately" will work better here. | "Catching her still moving in the opposite direction of the kick's force" is exceptionally long-winded for a fight scene, and it took me longer than it should have to come up with a better description--a testament to its failure. "Catching her dashing against my kick" portrays the image you want understandably." | "The force sent me spinning onto my side a few feet away" condenses those two verbs into one nice, neat main clause, which is better in this case. "In our match" is redundant in context." | I suggest putting that last line on another line for dramatic effect--"For the first time in months, I had sparred with Zadkiel and won." This better portrays what an accomplishment this is for "I".)

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Kain thought back to that day, the day he developed his now signature technique out of desperation. He still watched the recording of that match sometimes, to remind himself of the progress he's made and that every step was as difficult as the current ones. Finished with his reminiscing, he collected his work and left the machine shop he occasionally visited. Today was a rather eventful day, in no small part due to it being the day that he and his partner, Zadkiel, (or "Zee," to him) were separated, a monthly event for the two. Without her around he was far less likely to be targeted by angels, and this was only furthered by his errand taking him to the slums of Millennial City, where demon influence was somewhat higher. Of course, the trade off was that he might be targeted by said demon influence, but in Kain's experience demons were more likely to be reasoned with than their "holy" counterparts.

("Out of desperation" is bland, now that we're in third person and out of a fight scene. "Sheer desperation", for example, might work better to hammer in the point. | "He's" should be "he'd". | "Finished with his reminiscing" sounds strange. Often, a gerund used like this could be better substituted with a noun which describes this very thing. "Finished with his retrospection" or "finished with this reflection" would work better. | The whole thing after "Today was a rather eventful day" is too complex for what it's trying to say. "Today was a rather eventful day--the monthly day in which he and his partner, Zadkiel ("Zee" to him") were separated." | "Furthered" seems like a bad verb for this. In fact, that whole phrase could be shortened to "especially because his errand took him to..." | "More likely to be reasoned with" is too many words for such a simple idea--"more reasonable".

What a beautiful day, he thought as he left the shop. "I can't really put my finger on it, but... I get the feeling that today is gonna be pretty good."

(Italicise "What a beautiful day". In a construction like that, it's not just in good taste; it's imperative. (You may also use quotations or something of the like, but if you're going to italicise what I told you to italicise earlier, you might as well use it now.")

@Mammalia

Explain this em dash and what specifically I should do with it.

Myriad Reality

@DarkwolfX37 This'll be a doozy.

Critique

Fast. That was the one thing that had enough time to become a realized thought. She's really fast. And then I was on my back, five feet from where I was standing with a pained jaw and a sharp pain from my landing. I could feel my back cracking as my limbs followed gravity's urging and leveled with the rest of me on the ground. Thankfully, I was spared her taunting this time. Rolling onto my stomach, I pushed myself back up and turned to face her once again. It took less than a second to get my guard up, and yet the instant that my hand reached its upheld position, a deep blow to my chest sent me flying once again.

(Second sentence is clunky and portrays something simple in far too many words. Something more like "That was all I had time to think." I also suggest italicising "Fast" and "She's really fast" to portray that they are being spoken of as thoughts. | "Pained jaw and a sharp pain" is redundant. "Throbbing jaw" or some other participle will do better. | "Deep" seems the wrong adjective for "deep blow". "Heavy blow" may work better, or some other adjective.)

"You've got to predict the opponent's move before they make it. Against a dangerous enemy, your reaction time is long enough to kill you multiple times over."

I know that. Of course I know that. Training with my father aside, I've been training with a monster for a year now. A monster that is by all means fascinating. Demons and "demons" have been a fascination of mine since a young age, and thanks to her I'm acutely aware of how hard it is to fight them. These thoughts raced as I brought myself back to my feet and readied myself. My human body simply isn't able to keep up with hers, so an equalizer was necessary. I began to soak my shoes in my soul's natural energy as I prepared a plan of attack. My opponent and I stared at each other; it was obvious she was giving me a break that I didn't deserve, but I intended to take full advantage of it. The tension was broken quickly as I closed the distance between us, attempting a punch that was immediately used to throw me over her shoulder and onto my back for a third time in as many minutes.

(At first, I was confused as to why the tense had changed from past to present. Then you said that they were thoughts. To clarify this, I suggest italicising the thoughts again, and also changing "she" and "her" to "you", since he's thinking about the demon in front of him. | "These thoughts raced" would be better replaced by "Those thoughts flashed through my mind" to better portray how fast they were thought. | "My human body simply isn't able..." changes tense with no excuse. Unless the character is thinking, there is no excuse to suddenly change tense unless your story revolves entirely around doing so. | "The tension was broken quickly" is too wordy. "The tension broke" is a more common and less clunky alternative. "Between us" is also unnecessary. | You're using the passive voice a bit too heavily during this fight, which is frowned upon. For example: "... attempting a punch that was immediately used..." Though the subject is obvious, it's still jarring, so I suggest changing it to "...which she immediately used". Also, "A third" should be "the third".)

I hissed through my teeth at the pain. Standing up once again, I rushed at her, ducking below her punch and countering with one of my own directly into her solar plexus. A move that, had it connected, would have given me an advantage. As it were, she spun to the outside and quickly brought my arm behind my back to incapacitate me. After a moment she let go and we squared off again. All I had to do was get a "win" once, something that was challenging at best and infuriatingly difficult more commonly.

("A move that, had it connected, would have given me an advantage" is a fragment, and you should join it to the sentence with an em dash. If you don't like using em dashes, you can reword the sentence to state the same thing with an actual verb. | "She spun to the outside" is vague. What is the outside? Try "she spun outward" instead. "Quickly brought" is both too beige and too wordy--"yanked" would work better, here. "More commonly" is too purple. "More often" is a better alternative. As you can see, it's a fine line between beige and purple prose, but when it comes to first person writing like this, you're freer to use phrases which we would use often in real life. It's not good to obscure an idea too much--if three words can communicate your idea better than one, by all means, use them, but if one works better, then use it instead. Writing is about the flow, and too many words for one idea breaks that immersion as people have to process all of that.)

After another five minutes and twice as many defeats, I was ready to attempt my plan. As subtly as I could, I pull down the back of my shoe, keeping my heel outside of it. The instant my opponent began to rush at me, I kicked it forwards and the loose shoe became a projectile aimed at her head. Unsurprisingly, she dodged it, but that was the point. I instantly teleported to the shoe and, now midair, lashed out at her neck with my leg, catching her still moving in the opposite direction of the kick's force. Sent spinning by the action, I fell on my side a few feet away, but I had done it. I had landed a finishing blow in our match, and it was over. For the first time in months, I had beaten Zadkiel in our sparring.

("Pull" should be "pulled". Instead of "keeping my heel outside of it", "keeping the ball of my foot inside" would work better. This is because you're pulling the shoe down, and therefore off, so what people will imagine is the heel coming out first. "Keeping the heel outside" is redundant and even semantically incorrect. | You've already used "instant" two sentences ago, and that's too short of a time for "instantly" to not be redundant. "Immediately" will work better here. | "Catching her still moving in the opposite direction of the kick's force" is exceptionally long-winded for a fight scene, and it took me longer than it should have to come up with a better description--a testament to its failure. "Catching her dashing against my kick" portrays the image you want understandably." | "The force sent me spinning onto my side a few feet away" condenses those two verbs into one nice, neat main clause, which is better in this case. "In our match" is redundant in context." | I suggest putting that last line on another line for dramatic effect--"For the first time in months, I had sparred with Zadkiel and won." This better portrays what an accomplishment this is for "I".)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kain thought back to that day, the day he developed his now signature technique out of desperation. He still watched the recording of that match sometimes, to remind himself of the progress he's made and that every step was as difficult as the current ones. Finished with his reminiscing, he collected his work and left the machine shop he occasionally visited. Today was a rather eventful day, in no small part due to it being the day that he and his partner, Zadkiel, (or "Zee," to him) were separated, a monthly event for the two. Without her around he was far less likely to be targeted by angels, and this was only furthered by his errand taking him to the slums of Millennial City, where demon influence was somewhat higher. Of course, the trade off was that he might be targeted by said demon influence, but in Kain's experience demons were more likely to be reasoned with than their "holy" counterparts.

("Out of desperation" is bland, now that we're in third person and out of a fight scene. "Sheer desperation", for example, might work better to hammer in the point. | "He's" should be "he'd". | "Finished with his reminiscing" sounds strange. Often, a gerund used like this could be better substituted with a noun which describes this very thing. "Finished with his retrospection" or "finished with this reflection" would work better. | The whole thing after "Today was a rather eventful day" is too complex for what it's trying to say. "Today was a rather eventful day--the monthly day in which he and his partner, Zadkiel ("Zee" to him") were separated." | "Furthered" seems like a bad verb for this. In fact, that whole phrase could be shortened to "especially because his errand took him to..." | "More likely to be reasoned with" is too many words for such a simple idea--"more reasonable".

What a beautiful day, he thought as he left the shop. "I can't really put my finger on it, but... I get the feeling that today is gonna be pretty good."

(Italicise "What a beautiful day". In a construction like that, it's not just in good taste; it's imperative. (You may also use quotations or something of the like, but if you're going to italicise what I told you to italicise earlier, you might as well use it now.")

@Mammalia

I... I did italicize fast and she was really fast...
Dunno why that didn't show up for you.
WAIT I COPIED IT FROM THE FINISHED NOT FROM THE PROGRESS OKAY THAT'S WHY.

Deify

Do we need to do a character sheet for demigods?

Deify

<Snipped quote by Smile>

Thank you for your interest ^^

You can either worship a made-up deity, or another player. (If you do decide to make up an NPC deity, I can reject it if I feel it doesn't work. Though, it probably won't be rejected unless it's something like "The deity of doorknobs" or something crazy like that.)

If you have any more questions please do not hesitate to ask. :)

@gammaflux

Can I please have the deity of doorknobs? :P

Myriad Reality

So I completely rewrote that thing from before from scratch, now that I'm in this mindset that's much better for writing. Please critique it harshly.

My Hider

Fast. That was the one thing that had enough time to become a realized thought. She's really fast. And then I was on my back, five feet from where I was standing with a pained jaw and a sharp pain from my landing. I could feel my back cracking as my limbs followed gravity's urging and leveled with the rest of me on the ground. Thankfully, I was spared her taunting this time. Rolling onto my stomach, I pushed myself back up and turned to face her once again. It took less than a second to get my guard up, and yet the instant that my hand reached its upheld position, a deep blow to my chest sent me flying once again.

"You've got to predict the opponent's move before they make it. Against a dangerous enemy, your reaction time is long enough to kill you multiple times over."

I know that. Of course I know that. Training with my father aside, I've been training with a monster for a year now. A monster that is by all means fascinating. Demons and "demons" have been a fascination of mine since a young age, and thanks to her I'm acutely aware of how hard it is to fight them. These thoughts raced as I brought myself back to my feet and readied myself. My human body simply isn't able to keep up with hers, so an equalizer was necessary. I began to soak my shoes in my soul's natural energy as I prepared a plan of attack. My opponent and I stared at each other; it was obvious she was giving me a break that I didn't deserve, but I intended to take full advantage of it. The tension was broken quickly as I closed the distance between us, attempting a punch that was immediately used to throw me over her shoulder and onto my back for a third time in as many minutes.

I hissed through my teeth at the pain. Standing up once again, I rushed at her, ducking below her punch and countering with one of my own directly into her solar plexus. A move that, had it connected, would have given me an advantage. As it were, she spun to the outside and quickly brought my arm behind my back to incapacitate me. After a moment she let go and we squared off again. All I had to do was get a "win" once, something that was challenging at best and infuriatingly difficult more commonly.

After another five minutes and twice as many defeats, I was ready to attempt my plan. As subtly as I could, I pull down the back of my shoe, keeping my heel outside of it. The instant my opponent began to rush at me, I kicked it forwards and the loose shoe became a projectile aimed at her head. Unsurprisingly, she dodged it, but that was the point. I instantly teleported to the shoe and, now midair, lashed out at her neck with my leg, catching her still moving in the opposite direction of the kick's force. Sent spinning by the action, I fell on my side a few feet away, but I had done it. I had landed a finishing blow in our match, and it was over. For the first time in months, I had beaten Zadkiel in our sparring.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kain thought back to that day, the day he developed his now signature technique out of desperation. He still watched the recording of that match sometimes, to remind himself of the progress he's made and that every step was as difficult as the current ones. Finished with his reminiscing, he collected his work and left the machine shop he occasionally visited. Today was a rather eventful day, in no small part due to it being the day that he and his partner, Zadkiel, (or "Zee," to him) were separated, a monthly event for the two. Without her around he was far less likely to be targeted by angels, and this was only furthered by his errand taking him to the slums of Millennial City, where demon influence was somewhat higher. Of course, the trade off was that he might be targeted by said demon influence, but in Kain's experience demons were more likely to be reasoned with than their "holy" counterparts.

What a beautiful day, he thought as he left the shop. "I can't really put my finger on it, but... I get the feeling that today is gonna be pretty good."

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by Mammalia>

Its okie.

There are three possible answers, only two are correct.

@souleaterfan320

There are a lot more than three answers. :/

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by DarkwolfX37>

It's a metaphysical concept, so no sense in debating it.

I find it fulfilling and productive.

It's important for many because it represents the greatest accomplishment they will ever achieve. For me, however, my work isn't over. To quote someone you might have heard, "I've experiments to run; there is research to be done for the people who are still alive." What is accomplishment but advancing? If you stop to relish in the accomplishment, you have stopped advancing and defeated the purpose of doing so in the first place. And inevitably, to not move forward is to move backward. There is no standing still.

@Dynamics

Taking time to appreciate accomplishment is what makes them worthwhile. Accomplishment for the sake of accomplishment is meaningless; the value is in what is produced, be it feelings or material. Appreciating accomplishments allows one to fully comprehend what it is that has changed and how to best use it moving forward.

Myriad Reality

<Snipped quote by DarkwolfX37>

Youth is a matter of physical existence. How you think can define your age, but you are youthful.

I'm aware, but that is part of why I adopt that mindset. I am never content with where I am because I have never arrived. It assures that I will never reach the point in my life where I have reached the destination. Everything is a means to an end that will never come.

Past accomplishments. The celebration itself may be more effective if it were, say, fun. That would relieve stress and prepare the brain for another task. But sitting still in a room for hours on end does not accomplish anything worthwhile.

@Legend

Youth is a state of being. Being young is an issue of body decay. To be young is not necessarily to be youthful.

What a torturous way to conduct yourself.

True, but solidarity for those who struggled and those who failed is part of the human experience. This event being handled well or not notwithstanding, the concept is important for the sake of finality.

<Snipped quote by DarkwolfX37>

He's likely still in there, but not surfacing.

@Legend

I hope so. I miss them quite a lot.

Myriad Reality

For the record, david's bitterness and my residual comparative to what Left was like mental state are probably going to mix either very well or very poorly, so you all have been warned.