1) Brainstorm Idea 2) Start Writing 3) After Writing 7ish pages (double spaced) in Word, Switch Idea and Start from Scratch on the Day Entry is Due. 4) Write for 5-6 hours to get entry done. 5) Turn in entry without much proofreading because I was tired.
Bonus Challenges: King of the Hill - plot = trying to be one of the last ten (or rather eight, as it turns out) in this survival challenge.
Pretty simple plot (not a bad thing), but some formatting problems were a little distracting, especially the inconsistency of capitalization of words (beginning sentences with lower cased letters). However, this is a pretty easy fix: just a little more proofreading. Other things that could have been expanded upon are: why Delta Squad is going back to Earth, what happened to Earth that makes Delta Squad necessary, and where humanity lives outside of Earth (since I assume the post-apocolyptic Earth has made it uninhabitable).
Bonus Challenges: Captain Planet - Lightning Powers / Batteries Not Included - Restoring Power/Electricity Everything else goes here.
I feel like this was a well written piece (or at least of those I have read so far). There was a little mystery in the beginning of the piece, but the author resolved them by the end (more like toward the middle): power outage caused by teenagers. When I first started to read this entry, I thought it was going to be influenced by the television series Revolution, but it turns out that the power outage wasn't worldwide (let alone permanent). However, I was surprised that "comrade" was not said by any of the Russian characters during the entire entry. That's not a bad thing (pretty cliche).
@Anonymous
Bonus Challenges: None (slight reference to Captain Planet, but nothing important).
I honestly felt that the beginning of the piece did not really gel together with the later half. It almost felt like a rant to me at the beginning and then it spun off into an (almost) unrelated story. It wasn't poorly written (only a few grammar mistakes - for instance, 3rd paragraph, last sentence, you began with a "both...and" construction, but you never ended it. 'Both' references two things, but you only gave us one before you concluded the "while" clause).
Bonus Challenges: Captain Planet - Powers associated with Hair Color/Rainbow / King of the Hill - The "Colors" trying to kill each other off to become immortal (if that "Color" is the last one standing). All eventually fail due to time limit.
While Tangerine was the PoV character, Lavender, in my eyes was the main protagonist (or anti-hero), as his actions were what moved the plot along. Tangerine was kind of just along for the ride. While you could have expanded upon Tangerine's powers (as Ellri made in his comments), I felt the lack thereof such a description tied into her helpless nature that characterized her throughout the entry. Even she thought "What the heck am I supposed to do with light manipulation". For the PoV character, this power (and the lack of its description) ties into the final theme: death has the ultimate power and the powers that the "Colors" have really mean nothing.
Bonus Challenges: Batteries Not Included? - Restoring Power to the Sun (although this is more the protagonist waiting for this event to happen.
One thing that could drastically improve this story is the varying of sentence structure. Most of the sentences in this entry followed relatively the same template. Vary it up a little by conjunctions and subordinate clauses so that you have some compound and complex sentences. This variety would make the piece more pleasing to read because it isn't reading the same thing over and over again.
However, while this might not have been intended, I felt that the rekindling of the sun metaphor was done relatively well. On one hand, the reignition of the sun would bring solar power back to Earth, but on the other hand, this idea was extremely important to the main protagonist. It almost as if the restarting of the sun represented the restart of that man's life. While the sun was "dead", the man had a boring life, but by the end, he was about ready to be arrested for taking his daughter (whom he did not have custody) to see the sun turning back on.
I don't know what else I can say about this piece that the others have not mentioned in the other reviews. One of my biggest concerns with the entry is the formatting. While formatting should not be the deciding factor in this contest, readability surely helps. Adding those extra spaces between paragraphs helps increase the readability because it makes it not seem like a big sea of unending words. These line breaks gives the reading a short "break".
I did see you did make breaks between sections, which was useful. If you would add the paragraph spaces, you can use [*hr] (remove the asterisk) to separating these "sections".
It took me reading this entry probably three times to get what the heck was going on (plus reading some of the reviews). Since this is a short piece, if you are aiming for something thought provoking, you did something right. However, some people might not have that much patience sometimes, which might make people say "WTH" and move on. I think the epilogue brings the piece together. While the reader has to come to the conclusion on their own (i.e. it is not spelled out), the hints are there.
The problem I have with this submission is that nothing really happens, or at least nothing "on the page". For instance, the protagonist, Effraye, does rally the refugees to go fight, but we do not see this happening. We only see the end result or a short description. I cannot claim that the protagonist was useless to the plot (as his efforts helped turn the tide of the battle, but we don't see the how he did it. That's my gripe with it.
Bonus Challenges: King of the Hill? Black Turtles in the Void?
I really liked this piece. While the ending left much to be desired (i.e. no real plot resolution), overall it was well written and an intriguing story. There were only a few things that I wanted to mention that the others have not noted in each of his (or her) own reviews. First, the names. I'm conflicted about them. They could have been worse, like having apostrophes' in the middle of the name and I understand they are supposed to be foreign. While after seeing the second and third victims I could see some logic in the naming conventions of your story's nation (ni(c)), there is something that is bothering me (I can't quite place my thumb on it).
Bonus Challenges: Black Turtles in the Void: People (or at least Jordan) did not see the "abuse" Lacee, Charles and Minnie were enduring.
One advice I would give is to try to give each character a name with a unique beginning sound or letter. What I mean here is, for example, if you name a character Jordan, try not naming another character with a "J" sound. You had Jordan, Lacee, Charles, Minnie, Janet, Marlene, Stephanie. While it might be realistic for brothers and sisters having the same beginning letter or syllable (not universal, but non uncommon either), following this rule helps out the reader establishing the characters. While the reader could do this without the "unique name" trick, it just makes our jobs that much easier.
Edit: I guess this could also work with the ending of the names too. You had Lacee, Minniem and Stephanie, all of which (at least how I am pronouncing them) have the same final syllable.
Oh my good lord jesus ROMAN I LOVE YOU. IN A COMPLETELY HETEREOHOMOSEXUALRAINBOWUNICORN way, whatever strikes your fancy. I've been dealing with a lot, and I mean a shit fuck chaos storm of fuckery lately and I only have about 25% of my story done. 10 1/2, and I have tomorrow off? Time to pull a late nighter, I will be able to finish it now. Thank you.
I can't lie, but your avatar just matches that first sentence perfectly.
Rad. This game looks like it has a solid foundation, I'm so tired of joining games that only last a week to a month.
This game has been going on for over a year now, so you have come to the right place! Sometimes things slow down when people are busy (i.e. now when everyone is getting out of school).
Eddie Brock,
Master Bruce,
Half Pint,
Supermaxx,
Altered Tundra,
Sep
