... Hey, didn't I make an entry about someone who was hopelessly afraid of something already? ... Oh, wait, that was "Despair", alright.
Lesse. I think I know one of these, and have an idea what another might be but I'm unconvinced. I have no idea why Terminal considers mdk's laughable, it has left me staring at those numbers looking really stupid for a while. In any case. I'll see what I can do.
@Harbringer You, um, don't necessarily need to make the assumption that the character said something stupid because the player might have written something that seemed misinformed. That depends entirely on the intention of the player, really. If the intention of the player was that the suggestion was to be naive, then it is alright, otherwise we can discuss things. If you're unsure, you're free to ask or ask the player to correct things, but in any case. Now we've already moved on, so, ANYWAY! Nicely posted, anyways! This conversation is entertaining, its leading towards a potential encounter I didn't even need to plan! Hahaha!
@Lionheart Well posted. It feels correct. You don't need to assume it is terrible. I know the feeling, but let me pat you on the back a little. Haha.
@Eklispe Nice post, you too~! It feels fitting and nicely placed. And thanks for looking after the place, but don't worry. Let's see.
Now it is really up to the royals how they'll respond to Archibald's invitation. I could insert Aldo's inevitable comment to not recommend unnecessary combat, but honestly, feel free to ignore him and be as good people as you feel like~! If you like, that is. We've got to make this work one way or another.
@Lightning Fast Say, would your crew happen to be- Eh, I'll PM the question~!
So, @Lionheart or @Apollosarcher next? Or do you have any desires for anyone else to clarify anything or anything else? Hahaha.
The story was initially lighthearted. I did not feel like making a serious tone of it in the first part, because that in this method would be utterly boring. The guards weren't disinterested in their jobs, just bad at it. He never directly disobeyed orders. You should not really compare it to MGS, though it inspired the work, it's in no way connected.
I don't see the problem in any of those sentences. Sure, they could be structured in a more formal way, but I don't see the problem with them. I do not consider them mistakes. ... Alright, the line about letting him shoot if they had to shoot someone could have been better, but the majority of these I have no problem with. I read it through twice before sending it in.
Since you say I adhered to the challenge parameters I will personally consider myself having cleared the challenge because I was not convinced by the reason why I failed, though I will make no appeal because your reasons are clearly laid out and I do not think I can change them. I just don't think that actually makes my story bad. That's about that.
Edit a little while later: Hm... Perhaps I didn't manage to deliver the playful attitude I desired... Or place the aura I already have in my mind on my character into the actual entry... Oh, well...
Edit:
- "These men were terrorists, who had recently gotten their hands on a very dangerous such."
This refers to the missile mentioned in the previous sentence. I suppose I could have mentioned a missile specifically, but would that really be strictly necessary?
- "Vulcer jumped the fence, the darkness aiding him as he had managed to slip by the spotlights and climbed up a nearby tree in order to get inside."
... Um. Lesse. I'm unsure. Maybe "climbed" should have been "climb"? Same as "slip" isn't "slipped", due to that "managed" already is as it is...
- "Without hitch he fell down to the ground and let his feet meet the ground before he bent forward and rolled behind a building"
... Nope. I don't see anything. Perhaps the fact that there are two "and"s, which might be slightly unnecessary, but nothing truly striking.
- "“That’s her choice. I don’t treat those who kill instead any different from how I do those who eat meat.” Because among other things, Vulcer is a vegetarian."
'Is' maybe should have been 'was', but... Why would you include the line, then? Is there something wrong with the line? Maybe I should have clarified that it is 'those who kill instead of tranquilizing' or something?
- "Turned out their defenses was a joke."
Hm. One was, many were. Is 'defenses' multiple? Hm. Could be. Edit: Yes, it is, stupid! XD
- "Miriel blinked as she realized who she pointed a gun at."
I see no issue.
- "Miriel declared, moving back the mirror into her belt of gadgets"
... I see no issue. 'back' and 'the mirror' can change places to 'moving the mirror back into her belt of gadgets' but that isn't strictly necessary.
- "“If possible, let me shoot those that we have no choice but to shoot unless we have no other choice.”"
Alright, that does sound odd. It should be "If we have to shoot someone, let me do it if possible." Because he had the darts.
- "Miriel wasn’t as relieved, standing guard of the doors at all times, gun raised."
I'll have to assume the issue you see is somewhere in 'standing guard of the doors at all times'. Maybe it should be, hm, 'remaining vigilant of the doors with her gun raised', like? I mean, I think what I wrote works, but if I had to replace it.
- "Everything drifted into blackness as Vulcer was aware of just how bad this was."
Hm. Maybe 'was' should be replaced with 'became'. But I'm pretty sure he already was aware of how bad it was.
- "With that one-way mirror on his right, single entrance, a table in front of him and him bound to a chair, it looked like one of those rooms for interrogation."
... ... ... No, I see no problem with this sentence. If I had to guess... 'a table in front of him and him bound to a chair'? Not entirely sure what I'd replace it with, though. 'and he had been bound to a chair'?
- "A small technological-looking explosive device, suited on top of a barrel which contents he could only guess, out of his reach."
I'll have to guess that 'out of his reach' is the problem you're intending. I could have cut the comma and made an 'Of course, it was out of his reach' sentence after it. I'm unsure.
- "A red button, which function he could only guess, was in front of him on the table within his reach."
Alright, there I repeated 'could only guess', which I suppose I could have avoided. Other than that, I see no error here. I could have made it a little bit prettier with 'was placed in front of him', but nothing that is an error.
- "That was probably the reason they were in his game and not just plain dead, anyway, so that’s probably a good thing."
Um. Should it have been 'that was probably a good thing' so that it's clear the that's isn't "that is" in the wrong tense? Because I see no other error here...
- "The screen flicked away from displaying the two of kissing to Von Serge’s grinning and much less appealing face."
I think I missed the word "them", there. I actually did so again before I read this here through twice more when thoroughly analyzing the lines. My bad. XD
- "None of you kill the other, and I guarantee that I won’t touch either of you"
Um. Besides that I don't see the problem, it's Von Serge putting it in odd words. Oh, well.
- "He’d have to request to Viria to analyze this mission thoroughly and make sure to be prepared for anything."
I think I meant to write 'and make sure they'd be prepared for anything', but even besides that, is there a problem? It says that Viria is to be ready for anything now. Haha. Oh, well.
@WiseDragonGirl A vice to me is an immoral character trait that clearly deviates from the path of a paragon. There is the fact that he, while wealthy, didn't for a single second consider allowing his poor friend to collect the reward which they believed to be treasure when it was revealed to only be granted to one person, it felt like anyway. Well, maybe the friend still would have gotten his share of coins should that part be delivered upon, but the Bardug distinctly said "no sharing", so that's what I went with. That, and he didn't seem to mind the way this game could have taken people's lives for such a silly purpose, even if that thought said he didn't agree with it. He's acting on boredom, which might not necessarily be a vice, but the individual himself felt really fickle.
That's my impression of it, which may or may not be accurate to Terminal's view.
I decided to go full extreme with my entry, to the degree that I wonder if perhaps I went too far and will fail due to that he didn't seem tempted enough to abandon his ally. You're on the opposite end, yeah.
Still, I like him. He if anything in your entry was quite enjoyable. Especially with his reactions to that. Such characters are always so distinctly interesting in some form of way. Haha. I don't really understand why, but yes. The only question is where the line goes where you're "vice-less", yeah. We'll hear in not too long, I imagine.
@mdk Ooooh. Alright. I see. Yeah, then I get it. Bit hard to see without the pointer, but yes. I see it. Heh. That makes it kind of amusing, actually. Nicely done.
Reviews from someone with absolutely no power. Here’s what I think. I apologize in advance for any offense these reviews or my entry might do to those who read it, should that be the case. In any case. It does appear that only veterans wrote for this time, soooooooooooo well, there is somewhat of a lack of people who probably actually need my input on anything since most here was top-notch anyway, but here it is regardless! XD
Alright! Firstly, I’ll state that the only franchise of these I know is Madoka. All the other references, except the Michael Bay one, is totally beyond me. Also, Nicholas is alive? Could have fooled me, his name isn’t anywhere in the story. Unless specifically told to be a sequel, I’ll always assume anything is its own stand-alone story. And this… was quite vague. Haha.
Two people in a world I barely got explained to me suddenly used their fantastic power to battle it out due to their diverging intentions. I’ll have to say, you get the mystic part straight-on. If we were supposed to be intrigued while not understanding anything, then you did it really well. I’m a little worried I’ll find all entries being a direct clash between two now that take place in exactly the same way. Pretty well pulled off, it just flowed well in some really odd way and I barely understood anything while simultaneously understanding everything. This is a very odd combo, and I applaud you for achieving it. Hahaha.
I’m a little bit confused on one point, though, completely besides being confused by everything in the entire setting. The Challenge has us either leaving our allies behind and succeeding, or failing to do so and having them claim it instead. As far as I can see, he intends to leave his ally behind, and… fails? Did he hesitate somewhere which brought his loss? Oh, well. Maybe Terminal reads some other version than I did. Regardless, fantastically written. And I mean fantastically such as magical. Haha.
… Iiiiiiiiiiiiiii’d… question the lack of vices in this character, but eh. XD
It’s rather nicely written. I do feel that the world is quite very much a mystery to me, but suppose I learned as much as I needed. While most of the entry was rather dull in itself, the treasure hunt itself and the way he needed a musician to get there and the way only one was simply allowed to go on and how quickly he discarded his friend felt a bit customized to fit the challenge rather than customized to fit the story. Oh, yeah, you were the one who argued to me that the goal was to clear the labour and I could therefore go with a boring story, eh? I clearly see how you were thinking. XD
Though the twist was by far the most interesting part of this. I was positively surprised. The way the character suddenly rose to the challenge, becoming interested solely due to the way she was seeking is very interesting to me, and it fit so well with that there in fact could only be one person who could claim the price. It made sense, and I always love it when things make sense. The entire labour made sense in this ending, and I love when that happens. I’d honestly have been interested in, for example, seeing an anime where this was the first episode and the rest is just the two of them trying each other out, both bored before they found someone of a similar mindset in games and learn more about each other and such. Hahahaha. … So, I liked it because of the potential for development? Sure, I can go with that. I liked the finish, which leaves me with a positive impact overall for this entry. Nicely done!
… Ooooooooooooh. So an Iron CAN pick up a Silver bracelet, but that means he becomes Silver himself and can therefore no longer consider himself an ally of all Irons. That… that’s interesting. I like it. It’s a temptation, which definitely gets stronger the closer to the end they might come. And in fact, if they don’t take the Silver bracelet, another Silver might come along and claim it from the dead body that the Irons killed. Hah. I get it. … Ooooh. I just read through The Challenge again. Unable to kill a Silver by himself, but after that only one can claim the Silver band, and then must leave his allies behind…
It feels new. This obviously isn’t the whole story, but know that I like it. Well done. Now we’ll see what Terminal thinks.
Alright, the longest by far. Now let’s see what I thought of it.
Wonderfully written. The fact that you’re actually having this be a recounting of the events that is written down by someone obviously immediately lifts any requirements for perfect tense and such, but regardless of how clever I thought that was you wouldn’t need such a thing for that, anyway, would you? Haha. Furthermore, the fact that you could use information in the real world for something like this… I might be reading way too little real information, I can only marvel at those who use their knowledge for things like this while all my writing comes from the plethora of fictional stories I’ve read, so I might be lacking in real knowledge and could never write such a thing. You, though, seem to pull it off quite well, here. Nicely done.
I am curious, though. Where in the story did Cole have an opportunity to leave his allies behind? Was it when he was offered to help Roerich? I mean, yeah, the item was obviously picked up by someone that wasn’t him, so that would mean by the definition of the labour that his ally got it. But, that should only happen if the main character failed to leave his ally behind… um… Did I look at the rules too intensely or did I just miss something? Oh, well. It is a really nicely written entry regardless. While I didn’t get particularly excited by the story, nor very attached to the characters probably partly due to how the story was told from the perspective of someone writing it down after it had all had already happened, it was really interesting and I can say I like it. Thanks for the effort. Haha.
I proofread mine thrice. I guarantee, next time someone reads it, be it me or someone else, they'll find an error that I'll later be staring at and be like "How the **** did I miss this?". Yupp.
Edit: *read a bit in the end of own entry right after writing that* ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Damn.
@Terminal Maybe. I mean, it doesn't feel like a thoroughly appalling idea. I guess I'd just need to apologize to everyone who had to read it after, but I could do it. It's not something I'd enjoy doing, but if life was filled only with tasks I enjoyed doing, then my life would have been a really different place. My desire to complete the labour is strong, likely the stronger force in this case, so.
I have an idea that I believe completely achieves the goal of this labour. My problem is that it is, uh, extremely boring. It wouldn't be particularly entertaining to read, no matter how well I execute it. So now I'm going to partly consider if I can come up with a different idea as well as consider my morals behind writing stories. Like, writing a story I don't enjoy in order to complete a task, would I do that?
Xaltwind
Renose
Rune_Alchemist
RPM
Savo
Framing A Moose
Ariamis
Not a Sayan