PlatinumSkink

RPGC #6: The NaNo One!

@Dedonus Oh, yes. All of it is to be plotted out, start to finish, before any writing starts, in my case. Before I start writing I will always make sure that I know the beginning, the stages the story will go through, and the end. ... This of course doesn't mean I know exactly how long the different stages will be so they might drag on far longer than I intended, or if I get a brilliant idea mid-writing that makes me have to rewrite 50% of my text in order to work in my awesome new idea, but at least when I start I know what I want when I'm finished. And this makes no difference regardless of how long a story I'm writing.

I'm too busy on other things to actually partake in this, but I thought I'd answer the question I saw. For another soul's input on the matter.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

@Holmishire Teh-heh. Thanks. I'm happy you enjoyed it. I was enjoyably surprised by yours, so I'm happy to have returned the favour~

Apocalypse Maiden

That's more like it. Although this entry did still have a lot in the way of awkward grammar and the occasional typo, it was much less profuse than in prior entries. I would say that 'Little Guardian' had better makeup overall, but this is nearly on the same level - and is a bit longer. By this point all I can do is comment that while the problem does not seem to be getting worse, it does not seem to be abating. Next time, you may many to consider a different approach to proof-reading. I know you said you submitted this rather hastily before you had a chance to go through it thoroughly, so a thought: After writing a section, go through the whole thing for errors before continuing. Your plot will wait for you, and it shouldn't require any schedule juggling.

I do like the commitment to the setup. One thing you've firmly established is your knack for internal plot details, and the circumstances that led to the Maiden's destructive rise made for an entertaining read. You did take a while to get to the crux of the story, but as I have said before: There is no substitute for taking the time to write out the entirety of what is needed for the story to work, and that is precisely what you did.

Visiting the combat scene, we finally come across the story's real problem. The battle between our magicians was, in my opinion at least, much more engaging than your previous battle scenes. It had greater tactical aspect to it, and although we don't get a great description of any of the characters' appearances or that of their attacks, the narrative does an excellent job of relaying the actions and consequences in a natural way. The problem though is that you keep getting ahead of yourself - throughout the whole story (the battle in particular is just the point where it occurs most prominently), you bombard the reader with narrative exposition. The exposition is not a bad thing, but you spend almost more time explaining parts of the story than telling it, continuously introducing new details - which is sort of detrimental to the engaging aspects of the experience. My suggestion here is to show, not tell. Don't cut or scale back the exposition entirely, but space it out a bit more appropriately allow the readers to interpret and infer some of it on their own with the actions in the story and the behavior of the characters.

As for how you handled the challenge itself, you neatly nailed it right on the head, capturing both the positive and detrimental aspects of such a dramatic change in a manner which perfectly meets what I was looking for - Awesome, horrific, grand in scale, and not something that the individual in question would have envisioned themselves doing prior - with far reaching consequences. The double-take Judith has at the very end after she 'rescues' Min was particularly well executed.

Congratulations, and keep at it.

@Terminal

Me Responding

I do usually proof-read a few times if I'm not in a hurry, but I seem to be in a hurry a little more often than I'd like. Haha. Yeah, reading a done section before continuing sounds like a solid piece of advice, I believe I'll do so next time. Thanks.

Teh-heh. I am very happy to have been able to provide with an entertaining read. I am rather proud of my entry now, because I believe I got things (except for some grammar and typos) just as I wanted them, and the feedback appears to agree, mostly. I am happy I spent as long on the night as I did finishing this tale as I wanted it.

And yes, I did bombard the reader with narrative exposition. I intend to attempt cutting back a bit on that for the next entry. This entry was a small experiment of mine, where I made sure to describe the world as well as I could imagine so that the reader would understand what was going on in the world. I do believe I've understood your point, maybe, and I will attempt a different kind of experiment next time, to see how people take that one. Thank you for providing your opinion.

I kind of want to explain a little about my reaction here. I was recently the GM of a roleplay that took place in this world I've written about, and the players faced Min as a villain. They had been asked to rescue the girls she had kidnapped from various places in order to attempt completing Project Aliea on. So they found her mansion, got into trouble running around her mansion watched by countless mirrors and had some action against her various minions (she had two more magicians and numerous other named fighters in the roleplay to make the adventure more exciting) while Min tried to scare them away without fighting, all of which was made more intense by her minions' capability to come out of any mirror at any time thanks to her magic.

She was eventually forced to do battle herself and was defeated by the player playing a heat-magician who managed to melt through one of her defensive mirrors and hit before Min could attempt using Aliea against them. After they captured her, they had quite the amusing discussion where they found out, well, pretty much what Min was shouting over the town and tried to figure out what to do with her now with Min's added commentary. In any case, the players appeared to have enjoyed the adventure and I really liked Min's character, so I really wanted to write about her in the upcoming Labour, but as said, I was worried the Labour wouldn't fit her.

... It was perfect. She already had a loon of a body to go crazy in, and the story fell into place so well. Screw the person who said "discard your first idea", because it was too perfect not to take advantage of, which was also why I was so determined to finish it. And yepp. I'm really happy that I managed to execute it well. Now I have this story about her which I'm pretty proud of, in a wonderful alternative timeline. So, thank you very much for the perfect theme~!

I shall most certainly keep at it. Haha. Thank you, once again.

Lesse, now I've cleared every other Labour. Cleared #1, failed #2, cleared #3, failed #4, cleared #5... Which means I should fail #8. ... I WILL BREAK THE PATTERN! XD

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

@WiseDragonGirl Though, with widely different scenery. Haha.

My takes.

My thoughts on entires

How to Ruin a Life

Aaaaah… Such a pure taking of the theme. Short, true to the point and beautifully delivered. Should it have been “I said it” on the second and third time too, or was “I said” really correct? Eh, doesn’t matter. Flawlessly done. The feelings were spot-on. My hat is off.

Yeah, we needed one of these entries to take the common man’s approach. A way a completely normal person can just lose it, as well. And of course, the way this affects his life after. It is a lesson we’ve heard before, but still. It is really well done here. Yupp.

Spirits of Vietnam

Oh, my. Alright, then. Yupp. This is finely written, I see the points which it was written by, and I see what the result was. I have really few comments and/or observations about this entry, it’s quality that I’ve come to expect and respect. Well done.

If there is anything I would like to comment on, it’s how little we know about our main character that makes this choice that, yeah, kills him. Has he no family or future back home that he has to weight justice against? I see why he did it, but… Nothing at all? Oh, it’s not important, really, but still. Oh, well.

The Visage of Conduct

Hey, I don’t know military ranks in real life, your comparison doesn’t help me. XD … Actually, maybe it does. Lower the higher? Sergeant->Lieutenant->Captain->Major->Colonel->General? That helps. Thanks. XD

You know, the ranks in this entry made a whole lot of sense to me. There is Second and First Commander, Major Second and First Commander, then Grand Commander. Makes perfect sense. Much easier to keep track of than… *points to real-life equivalents*. Then again, one probably learns those easily enough if one actually has to in their day-to-day life. I know there’s a ton of more ranks, too. There’s probably a good reason for all those names I just don’t know of. Haha. I think I got side-tracked.

Yupp. I clearly see the violation, the choice that was made, the consequences and all of that. Well done, I can think of no immediate anythings to correct except a single spelling error (can’t belief it), and the story makes sense and was an experience that kept me engaged reading through the entry. Good work.

Same Mistakes

Oh, wow. I am immediately reminded by Starship Troopers. With mechs, though. Starship Troopers combined with, um… Any other mech-thing. Maybe. XD … Let’s see.

Oh, I approve so happily. I had completely forgotten that this theme could be used in a positive sense. Look, look at what all these series of negative themes and labours has done with my mind! XD … Yupp, I completely see where you’re going with this. I approve. Well done. I am so happy right now. Haha.

Now some self-inspection of my own product from when I was really tired.

Apocalypse Maiden

I don’t think it’s bad? Yeah, I noted several strangely formed sentences that reveal the sleepy state I was in when I wrote it and the fact I didn’t have much time to proof-read. But, all in all, I think it is alright. Decent. Eh. I’ll see what others think.

It’s strange. When I was writing my entry for the first labour, I was thinking “I am making a way too long entry” while writing. Yet, this entry is almost 1.5 times longer, and I felt no such feeling. It felt like it was the length I intended it to get. Anyway. It’s a little experiment of mine, to see what people think. So. Now I wait.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

@mdk Gosh. That does put things into perspective.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

And with that, I sent mine in. Gaaaaaaaaaaaah.

The majority of this writing period taking place on my exam-week and then the week-end after I had to ride around and see my family meant that, while I had a great time, I did not have much time to write the entry. Had to prioritize studies before exam, then was exhausted right after them, and then I had to write on evenings after riding around seeing family-members. Hahahahaha.

Still, the entry I imagined was of that length, so I did not settle for anything shorter. I had a plan with this entry, so I hope I managed to execute it well. If I did not, then, um, sorry. I apologize for, uh, that word which you do when you're just telling the reader a ton of things. Sorry, I'm a bit exhausted, wrote the majority while stone-tired. Hahahaha. Normal reviewers have my permission to just stop reading if they have this "I want to review all of them!" mentality but REALLY don't want to continue reading. Just tell me why. Haha.

Maybe I shouldn't write about such things. Whatever. I'm tired. I can be excused. Hahaha.

Edit six hours later: Oh, crap. I regret something. Can I edit it? It's just the point of a whole conversation. No? Damn. Haha.

Edit:

Something that is minor spoiler to the contents of my entry

And I just found out there's a Marvel character called "Speed Demon" within 24 hours of sending that because I decided to watch the Wolverine VS Raiden death battle. I had no idea. Oh, well. That makes me wonder... *googles*

And "Apocalypse Maiden" is a trope, I had no idea. "Soul Surgeon" was a band. "Mirror Witch" is some boss in some games and "Undertaker" I expected already to have been in use everywhere anyway. It would appear "Gunpowder Fairy" is pretty unique, though. Hahaha.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

I had this character in mind, that I really wanted to write about for the labour. This because the character was a recent individual whom my inspiration still burned heavily for. However, I was so worried that the labour would be one which would not fit the character at all...

...

It's perfect. It's so perfect, I can scarcely believe it myself. The story molded into place so easily in my mind, because the character and setting fit the labour so well. Hahahaha. Did you somehow prepare this with this in mind, Terminal? That's completely impossible, but thanks anyway! XD

Now, onto writing.

Pre-planning vs Spontaneity - Which Are You?

I don't see how either extreme is possible. You simply HAVE to have both. I'll assume this is directed to GMs more than players, because players absolutely need to come up with things as the GM present them obstacles and as such they'd all be the second type. So with that.

You simply cannot start an adventure without the appropriate amount of planning. As a GM, you have to know what people the characters may interact with, how the world works and so on. Without that, there is no way to know how the world will respond to the player's actions, and the players is the one thing the GM can never control. Hopefully.

On the other hand, as I just said, there is no way one can control the players, so the rule there is pretty much "do not". As such, one simply have to be ready to be spontaneous, as there is no way one can plan every single detail. Sure, one can have a pretty good idea of what one would like the arcs to contain, but one should be ready to adapt real soon.

So, yeah. You simply must have both. Nobody can roleplay with only one or the other. Or have I plain failed to understand the first post here?

RPGC #5 -- FEAR

... Hey, didn't I make an entry about someone who was hopelessly afraid of something already? ... Oh, wait, that was "Despair", alright.

Lesse. I think I know one of these, and have an idea what another might be but I'm unconvinced. I have no idea why Terminal considers mdk's laughable, it has left me staring at those numbers looking really stupid for a while. In any case. I'll see what I can do.

Fire Emblem: A Blinding Light

@Harbringer You, um, don't necessarily need to make the assumption that the character said something stupid because the player might have written something that seemed misinformed. That depends entirely on the intention of the player, really. If the intention of the player was that the suggestion was to be naive, then it is alright, otherwise we can discuss things. If you're unsure, you're free to ask or ask the player to correct things, but in any case. Now we've already moved on, so, ANYWAY! Nicely posted, anyways! This conversation is entertaining, its leading towards a potential encounter I didn't even need to plan! Hahaha!

@Lionheart Well posted. It feels correct. You don't need to assume it is terrible. I know the feeling, but let me pat you on the back a little. Haha.

@Eklispe Nice post, you too~! It feels fitting and nicely placed. And thanks for looking after the place, but don't worry. Let's see.

Now it is really up to the royals how they'll respond to Archibald's invitation. I could insert Aldo's inevitable comment to not recommend unnecessary combat, but honestly, feel free to ignore him and be as good people as you feel like~! If you like, that is. We've got to make this work one way or another.

@Lightning Fast Say, would your crew happen to be- Eh, I'll PM the question~!

So, @Lionheart or @Apollosarcher next? Or do you have any desires for anyone else to clarify anything or anything else? Hahaha.

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

My immediate reaction, made prior to calming down

The story was initially lighthearted. I did not feel like making a serious tone of it in the first part, because that in this method would be utterly boring. The guards weren't disinterested in their jobs, just bad at it. He never directly disobeyed orders. You should not really compare it to MGS, though it inspired the work, it's in no way connected.

I don't see the problem in any of those sentences. Sure, they could be structured in a more formal way, but I don't see the problem with them. I do not consider them mistakes. ... Alright, the line about letting him shoot if they had to shoot someone could have been better, but the majority of these I have no problem with. I read it through twice before sending it in.

Since you say I adhered to the challenge parameters I will personally consider myself having cleared the challenge because I was not convinced by the reason why I failed, though I will make no appeal because your reasons are clearly laid out and I do not think I can change them. I just don't think that actually makes my story bad. That's about that.





Edit a little while later: Hm... Perhaps I didn't manage to deliver the playful attitude I desired... Or place the aura I already have in my mind on my character into the actual entry... Oh, well...

Edit:

Alright, let's go through these.

- "These men were terrorists, who had recently gotten their hands on a very dangerous such."

This refers to the missile mentioned in the previous sentence. I suppose I could have mentioned a missile specifically, but would that really be strictly necessary?


- "Vulcer jumped the fence, the darkness aiding him as he had managed to slip by the spotlights and climbed up a nearby tree in order to get inside."

... Um. Lesse. I'm unsure. Maybe "climbed" should have been "climb"? Same as "slip" isn't "slipped", due to that "managed" already is as it is...


- "Without hitch he fell down to the ground and let his feet meet the ground before he bent forward and rolled behind a building"

... Nope. I don't see anything. Perhaps the fact that there are two "and"s, which might be slightly unnecessary, but nothing truly striking.


- "“That’s her choice. I don’t treat those who kill instead any different from how I do those who eat meat.” Because among other things, Vulcer is a vegetarian."

'Is' maybe should have been 'was', but... Why would you include the line, then? Is there something wrong with the line? Maybe I should have clarified that it is 'those who kill instead of tranquilizing' or something?


- "Turned out their defenses was a joke."

Hm. One was, many were. Is 'defenses' multiple? Hm. Could be. Edit: Yes, it is, stupid! XD


- "Miriel blinked as she realized who she pointed a gun at."

I see no issue.


- "Miriel declared, moving back the mirror into her belt of gadgets"

... I see no issue. 'back' and 'the mirror' can change places to 'moving the mirror back into her belt of gadgets' but that isn't strictly necessary.


- "“If possible, let me shoot those that we have no choice but to shoot unless we have no other choice.”"

Alright, that does sound odd. It should be "If we have to shoot someone, let me do it if possible." Because he had the darts.


- "Miriel wasn’t as relieved, standing guard of the doors at all times, gun raised."

I'll have to assume the issue you see is somewhere in 'standing guard of the doors at all times'. Maybe it should be, hm, 'remaining vigilant of the doors with her gun raised', like? I mean, I think what I wrote works, but if I had to replace it.


- "Everything drifted into blackness as Vulcer was aware of just how bad this was."

Hm. Maybe 'was' should be replaced with 'became'. But I'm pretty sure he already was aware of how bad it was.


- "With that one-way mirror on his right, single entrance, a table in front of him and him bound to a chair, it looked like one of those rooms for interrogation."

... ... ... No, I see no problem with this sentence. If I had to guess... 'a table in front of him and him bound to a chair'? Not entirely sure what I'd replace it with, though. 'and he had been bound to a chair'?


- "A small technological-looking explosive device, suited on top of a barrel which contents he could only guess, out of his reach."

I'll have to guess that 'out of his reach' is the problem you're intending. I could have cut the comma and made an 'Of course, it was out of his reach' sentence after it. I'm unsure.


- "A red button, which function he could only guess, was in front of him on the table within his reach."

Alright, there I repeated 'could only guess', which I suppose I could have avoided. Other than that, I see no error here. I could have made it a little bit prettier with 'was placed in front of him', but nothing that is an error.


- "That was probably the reason they were in his game and not just plain dead, anyway, so that’s probably a good thing."

Um. Should it have been 'that was probably a good thing' so that it's clear the that's isn't "that is" in the wrong tense? Because I see no other error here...


- "The screen flicked away from displaying the two of kissing to Von Serge’s grinning and much less appealing face."

I think I missed the word "them", there. I actually did so again before I read this here through twice more when thoroughly analyzing the lines. My bad. XD


- "None of you kill the other, and I guarantee that I won’t touch either of you"

Um. Besides that I don't see the problem, it's Von Serge putting it in odd words. Oh, well.


- "He’d have to request to Viria to analyze this mission thoroughly and make sure to be prepared for anything."

I think I meant to write 'and make sure they'd be prepared for anything', but even besides that, is there a problem? It says that Viria is to be ready for anything now. Haha. Oh, well.