((Collab Post between Letter Bee and Simple Unicycle))
Note: The primary conceit of this piece is that this is set in an Alternate Universe where Fallout: New York is a TV Show and all the characters are actors. Also, yes, Bethesda produces TV Shows now.
Suddenly, in a cloud of black smoke, the scene changes into a stage. Three men, two of them viewers and cast of the show would recognize as Albert and Lawrence, walked out and sat in chairs in the center of said stage. The third man was... Seth Rogen? Oh yeah, Seth Rogen, he voices Tim the robot... Because everyone knew that.
All three of the men were dressed in suits, Albert and Seth both wearing glasses and Lawrence having nothing else of note. Then, Albert proclaims: "Hello, audience! I'm Bruce Hutchinson, but you might know me as Albert from Fallout: New York. We're here for the second monthly mailbag!" Bruce/Albert pauses for a second, and some trumpets sound and there's weak applause. "Not what I expected... *ahem*, Well, we'll allow Par to open the first letter. Par?" Bruce asks, before gesturing to a trap door at the trio's feet.
The trapdoor opened, and Par walked out, still in his Grey T-Shirt and Camoflague pants, as well as shoes. His shades were gone, though, revealing his grey eyes. He wore a Santa Hat, and most importantly, he carried a bag of letters over his shoulder.
After setting himself down on the remaining chair, Par then took out a letter at random and opened it.
Dear Fallout Tv Show Crew, why cannot we see Vor Shinse naked? We want to see Vor Shinse naked! Love, SomePerv. "Well," Seth said, "the 15-year-old in me wants to see her naked, too, but the 33-year-old in me knows that that's really, REALLY screwed up. So no, you'll never see her naked now."
"Well, I've seen her naked on several occasions..." Bruce/Albert chuckles, his charisma making his lie believable, "But no. For God knows what reason, Bethesda and HBO won't let us show people naked on the show... Also, in that first scene with me and that chick in bed, I was wearing underwear. Sorry, ladies!"
"First, my name's Nathan Smith, I'm Lawrence," Nathan/Lawrence says, "and second, no. As Bruce stated, we can't show naked people on he-"
"But we showed Par naked a while ago!" Seth butts in, "why the hell can't we show other naked people!" The three go quiet.
"Difference is, we didn't actually see any of his naughty bits. He wore underwear the
whole scene, and we never saw his lower body." Bruce/Albert says.
"Ah, that makes sense... So, go ahead Par." Seth replies, before gesturing to Par to answer the question.
"Well, considering that HBO was willing to show full nudity in its Rome series, I really can't understand why they and Bethesda weren't willing to show any nudity in Fallout: New York - perhaps because it's based on a 'kiddy'," Par made air-quotes, "video game?"
"Calling Fallout 'kiddy' is like calling that torture scene in Reservoir Dogs not violent." Nathan/Lawrence replies. "Anyway, next letter."
Par grinned, before reading out:
Dear Fallout Crew, if your characters are sorted into Hogwarts Houses, what House would you select? Slytherin, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, or Hufflepuff?"Hufflepuff!" Bruce/Albert declares, "They're the best."
"Eh, never watched the movies. No opinion." Seth replies.
"How could you not watch the... Nevermind, I'd go with Ravenclaw." Nathan/Lawrence adds.
"Gryffindor or Slytherin are my own choices," said Par, "hmm...Gryffindor. Anyway, Bruce, want to read the next letter?" Par handed him the envelope.
"Will do." Bruce says, and with that he opens the next letter.
Dear Fallout Crew, why did Jinx and Greg die? They were my favorite characters! Please bring that back, pleeeeeeeeease!"*ahem* Yeaaaaah, the actors died in a car crash last week. Sorry kids, no chance for Jinx or Greg to come back, they're dead for good." Nathan/Lawrence says.
"Never liked 'em in the first place..." Seth chuckles.
"It was hard losing those guys, but we moved on. Par?" Bruce says, before gesturing to Par to address the letter.
"First up," Par said, "do not be disrespectful to the dead, and two, Greg
might - might - get a new actor; he'll have to wear bandages around his face, though, like the Burned Man. Either way, condolences have to be sent for their loss, not mockery. Next letter!" Par then opened the new one.
Dear Fallout Crew, I have to complain; Par and Gabe and Alex and Alan are Gary Stus, or at least a Spotlight Stealing Squad! I honestly don't get why they are so popular; maybe its because their audience is made up of teenyboppers. They merit seven Reys on the Rey Scale - Yes, I believe that Rey from The Force Awakens is a massive -Par crumpled the letter.
"You may insult my character, but Rey is
not a Mary Sue; Kylo Ren was wounded twice when she beat him, and she was clearly borderline tapping into the Dark Side. Also, a Mary Sue is someone who gets everything
he or she wants without enough effort, like Bella Swan, who's an 'ordinary everygirl' who yet gets the attention of powerful, impossibly hot men who are also Gary Stus, or E
bratgon from Eragon who is loved by almost everyone even though he engages in psycopathic behavior such as torture."
"So shut up."
"That was a massive fucking rant." Bruce/Albert says, before Nathan/Lawrence and Seth nod in agreement. "Next letter!"
Dear Fallout Crew, not to be impolite, but Lawrence, Tim, and Albert suffer for a large case of Informed Ability! Lawrence is supposed to be badass, but we never see him do badass stuff! Tim is supposed to be funny, but he's more annoying than hilarious! And Albert's charisma only works when shown offscreen!
I still like them, though.Bruce/Albert, Seth and Nathan/Lawrence just stare at the screen, and whoever's watching the show, be it the writer of the letter or just the rest of the viewers. "Tell the writers that they're fired. Get better ones so that we have more screen time." Seth says, in a serious tone. "Yeah, if we want to show how AWESOME all of our characters are, we need to have more screen time." Bruce/Albert replies, before Nathan/Lawrence says: "Expect to see more Lawrence, Albert and Tim! ... Or something."
Par chuckled, before saying:
"Last letter!" and opening a final envelope.
Dear Fallout Crew, why did you age up Marie Ashur to 20 instead of 10, and have her be 10 in the Fallout 3 era? I know this is an AU, but aren't you altering things willy-nilly now?"Don't worry," Par said, "she'll be a fine character, or at least a challenging antagonist. And, as for why we changed the age, well, we needed a way for the Pitt and the Institute to have an alliance against the Brotherhood, and having Marie
willingly use her unique DNA as a bargaining chip was one way of doing things."
"I... Never played The Pitt, so I have no clue who Marie Ashur is." Bruce/Albert adds, before Seth and Nathan/Lawrence say that they haven't even played a Fallout game and just took the part because it paid well. "... I feel like I just started a riot somewhere." Seth says, before clearing his throat. "So, that's the last letter! So, this is the end of..." Bruce/Albert, Seth and Nathan/Lawrence shout (together, of course): "FALLOUT NEW YORK MAILBAG!" The trumpet and applause from the beginning plays once more, and smoke appears yet again and then the scene is back to normal.
Another note: As of this post, I'll (Simple Unicycle) try to be more active. Might post another collab with Letter Bee IC to get me back into action.
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