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RoadkilBanana
Kaithe Dame
Blizz
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Melissa
Urizen
Fabricant451
AlteredTundra
Festive
Grimoire Gaming
“My name is Richard Masterson.”
"I'm the Dick Master, Son."
How old are you?
”I am thirty three. I just turned thirty-three thirty-three days ago, isn’t that coincidental?”
Looking for a showmance?
”That’s the only reason I’m on this show. I don’t need money, really. But being in a house with 20 other people? Some of which are sure to be attractive women? That, now that… that’s an interesting idea.”
Where are you from?
”Where am I from? A small mining town in Virginia, called Banner. You know, like Bruce Banner? I lived a decent life I guess, but I didn’t want to stay there forever. Funny how I wound up doing that, right? More on that later, since I have to fill out this whole questionnaire thing.”
Do you have a job?
”Well, let’s see. My first job, I worked at a local bicycle repair shop. Under the table, just working the counter. After that? My first real official job? I was a pizza delivery driver, from the time I was sixteen until the time I was almost 18. After that, I moved away for college. There, I was shooting for a bachelor’s degree in economics. In 2010, I bought 2,500 Bitcoins for a quarter each. Then, late in 2017… I sold them all for almost 20,000 dollars a piece. And my parents said I wouldn’t be happy doing anything but mining.
See, now I don’t really like my hometown, but I got enough cash flow to push it the way I want it to be. So far, so good. Besides, what I actually do, I can do from the comfort of my very spacious home office. Thanks, shitposters and darknet abusers. I never thought it’d go that well, but I mean I had a feeling. That’s why I bought so goddamn many of them.
What? I should stop talking? Uh, okay.”
See, now I don’t really like my hometown, but I got enough cash flow to push it the way I want it to be. So far, so good. Besides, what I actually do, I can do from the comfort of my very spacious home office. Thanks, shitposters and darknet abusers. I never thought it’d go that well, but I mean I had a feeling. That’s why I bought so goddamn many of them.
What? I should stop talking? Uh, okay.”
What has your life been like so far?
”Well, I was born in Banner, Virginia, like I said earlier? It’s not that big of a town, really. In fact, it's pretty small... But, whatever, it’s home I guess. I grew up thinking that I’d leave it, but after I made my millions, I sort of came back. Weird, right? I guess I should start at the beginning.
I was three days early when I was born, which kind of made my mom mad. I think she was angry about it the whole time I was growing up, but we kind of got along better as time went on. It was my dad I never got on with. He was working in the mines from the time I was born on, until he couldn’t work anymore. I didn’t want to do that. My dad didn’t like that idea, he thought I was wasting my time with what I wanted to do.
What did I want to do? What every poor kid wants to do: play with money all day. I liked math when I was younger, as I got older I started like financials. Stocks, investments, bonds, all that kind of stuff. In high school, when I was working for the pizza delivery and making a bit of money that way, I invested in penny stocks to get myself started.
It was fun, and I wasn’t bad at it. The art of economics and making money is something I’ve turned out to be pretty good at, as it happens. I guess when you’re the only one in the room with the testicular fortitude to take the show on the companies that seem risky. Whatever, you win some and you lose some, right?
Anyway, that’s basically how I planned to put myself through college. My mom and dad didn’t really believe in me — and even if they did? They didn’t have any money, so I was on my own. I handled it alright, though, you know? I did okay for myself. I worked hard, I messed around with investments and stocks and it put me through. After college I moved up to New York, where I got a job at a hotshot investment company, and I was not bad for a rookie, and they dug me there.
Four years in, though? I was 25, and the office started talking about this thing called Bitcoin. I wasn’t too sure about it, it seemed like a pipedream at the time, but… I lost the bet, and my commission for the day — every last cent! — went to Bitcoin. Now, for those of you who don’t know, Bitcoin are a form of virtual currency. In fact, I think they were the first one, at least the first one to hit the mainstream.
Basically, you buy the coin and use it online for stuff, sometimes… shadier stuff, but whatever. Anyway, I bought the coins and I sort of forgot about my Bitcoin wallet for seven years until they started getting big again. By then? By then I was already kind of a big shot. I’d figured this out, and I was making my way up the ladder there, it was going well.
So, anyway, I’m making a ton of money there. No, seriously, life was good for the Dick Master. It still is. In fact, it’s better now. See, late last year? I sold those Bitcoins, all 2,500 of them that I bought, for twenty thousand dollars a piece, like I said earlier! For those of you who can’t do math? That was a clean fifty million dollars that I walked away with, on top of all that other money I have.
So basically, I decided to retire from the position I was in, kind of. And I moved back to Banner, and when I got there I bought the mine. It wasn’t worth much, coal being a dying industry and all. I bought the mine and a bunch of buildings on Main Street, and I built my own little investment firm.
Money never sleeps, and like… I don’t either. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be comfortable while being awake at all hours, you know? So the firm is built directly to my specifications, and I made it just the way I want it so that everything is perfect, down to the fucking height of the countertops. Life is good! And I shipped my parents off to Florida. I own this place now, basically. I’m definitely the richest person here, anyway. What do you mean I’m running long? Alright, alright. I’ll try to keep the next parts concise.”
I was three days early when I was born, which kind of made my mom mad. I think she was angry about it the whole time I was growing up, but we kind of got along better as time went on. It was my dad I never got on with. He was working in the mines from the time I was born on, until he couldn’t work anymore. I didn’t want to do that. My dad didn’t like that idea, he thought I was wasting my time with what I wanted to do.
What did I want to do? What every poor kid wants to do: play with money all day. I liked math when I was younger, as I got older I started like financials. Stocks, investments, bonds, all that kind of stuff. In high school, when I was working for the pizza delivery and making a bit of money that way, I invested in penny stocks to get myself started.
It was fun, and I wasn’t bad at it. The art of economics and making money is something I’ve turned out to be pretty good at, as it happens. I guess when you’re the only one in the room with the testicular fortitude to take the show on the companies that seem risky. Whatever, you win some and you lose some, right?
Anyway, that’s basically how I planned to put myself through college. My mom and dad didn’t really believe in me — and even if they did? They didn’t have any money, so I was on my own. I handled it alright, though, you know? I did okay for myself. I worked hard, I messed around with investments and stocks and it put me through. After college I moved up to New York, where I got a job at a hotshot investment company, and I was not bad for a rookie, and they dug me there.
Four years in, though? I was 25, and the office started talking about this thing called Bitcoin. I wasn’t too sure about it, it seemed like a pipedream at the time, but… I lost the bet, and my commission for the day — every last cent! — went to Bitcoin. Now, for those of you who don’t know, Bitcoin are a form of virtual currency. In fact, I think they were the first one, at least the first one to hit the mainstream.
Basically, you buy the coin and use it online for stuff, sometimes… shadier stuff, but whatever. Anyway, I bought the coins and I sort of forgot about my Bitcoin wallet for seven years until they started getting big again. By then? By then I was already kind of a big shot. I’d figured this out, and I was making my way up the ladder there, it was going well.
So, anyway, I’m making a ton of money there. No, seriously, life was good for the Dick Master. It still is. In fact, it’s better now. See, late last year? I sold those Bitcoins, all 2,500 of them that I bought, for twenty thousand dollars a piece, like I said earlier! For those of you who can’t do math? That was a clean fifty million dollars that I walked away with, on top of all that other money I have.
So basically, I decided to retire from the position I was in, kind of. And I moved back to Banner, and when I got there I bought the mine. It wasn’t worth much, coal being a dying industry and all. I bought the mine and a bunch of buildings on Main Street, and I built my own little investment firm.
Money never sleeps, and like… I don’t either. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be comfortable while being awake at all hours, you know? So the firm is built directly to my specifications, and I made it just the way I want it so that everything is perfect, down to the fucking height of the countertops. Life is good! And I shipped my parents off to Florida. I own this place now, basically. I’m definitely the richest person here, anyway. What do you mean I’m running long? Alright, alright. I’ll try to keep the next parts concise.”
Any quirks, talents, or weird facts about you?
”I have been told, by people that I don’t fully trust, that I am a bit too talkative, and that I ramble a bit. I don’t know, I hard disagree with those people. Talents? I’m good at math. Stupidly good. What else? I can pilot a helicopter — I learned after I bought a second one.
I can accurately guess the cup size of a woman via touch alone. No? Eh, it's worked before. It'll work before I leave, trust me on that.
I can accurately guess the cup size of a woman via touch alone. No? Eh, it's worked before. It'll work before I leave, trust me on that.
Why do you deserve to win?
”Truth is? I don’t. I don’t need this money. I don’t deserve to win. I’m sure there are other people who deserve to more, but I’m just here for three things: 1) some peace and quiet. No phone, no internet? Sounds like a vacation to me, baby. 2) Free food. Yeah, I’m a millionaire, but how do I think I stay that way? Exactly. 3) Babes. There’s bound to be some hot girls here, right?”
And if you do win, what will you do with the million dollars?
”If, but some grace of god, I actually win this tournament? I’m gonna tell you what: I’ll divvy the money up with the other contestants. I’ll passively make a million dollars before this thing is over… I’m just here because I was told there would be alcohol and it was co-ed.”