Baked some chicken last night, had the leftovers for lunch. Ever since I started cooking my own stuff I've been surprised at how easy it is to make something that tastes better than freezer-food. Seriously it's not even hard.
Second-post reviews are ready, so have a batch! I'm saving @Keyguyperson for later because it takes me a while to be constructive over such a long piece.
It’s certainly a compelling subject – some bold character choices too, I mean a cancer survivor as a shooter? Who saw that coming? Syntax and style are all dandy, and the tragedy is communicated very well. Two observations:
First, that opening section with no dialogue isn’t quite gelling with the rest of the story, and neither is the closing bit. Which isn’t all that surprising I guess – they’re broken off with lines, like distinct sections separated on purpose. I don’t think that was a good choice – each of them is (essentially) pure exposition, with no real narrative to bring the readers along. There’s foreshadowing and closure and character-building, but that’s all stuff you could be doing while you’re writing the action. It’s almost always better to do it that way – I think it would’ve made this feel more emotional. Like if we found out Lacee was battling cancer as she was shooting people, that would rock me a lot harder. Something to consider. In general principle the shorter your story, the fewer section breaks you should have.
Second, there really isn’t any suspense in this story, and that’s perfectly fine, it’s not a suspense story. It’s not a flaw when it’s an artistic choice, and it really seems like a choice from here. I bring it up though, because…. Well, this might have made a really interesting poem. Poems never need suspense, and they let you as a writer focus on the immediate things you care about without worrying if enough people have been shot in the last two paragraphs. In a lot of ways this is a story about emotions and impacts instead of actual action, which poems (and songs!) are really good at addressing. That last line – “If only someone had the power to stop this from happening” – that could almost be a refrain that repeats when the shooters are being picked on, when the kids are dying, when the world is changing. Could be really powerful (or not, what do I know).
ANYWHO – solid effort, great characters, POWERFUL message. A few style things to think about, maybe a little more polish required here and there (but that’s probably just a deadline thing). Feel good about this one.
This seemed like a fun piece to write, which is the best kind of piece to write. I don’t want to take away from the fun. Keep doing stories like this for exactly as long as you feel like it – if you’re enjoying yourself, it’s worth it. Emphasize that, bold, whatever.
If you want your readers to have fun with it too, there’s a lot of things to work on. Honestly? Screw us. We are not an essential part of this process. But if and only if you really want readers on board, there’s a few big things to work on. Focus, for one thing – we’re in a city, then a rainforest, then a temple, then another world. We’re in Greece, then the real world, then Marvel, then Lord of the Rings. You can do that yourself, and if you’re having a good time doing it, more power to you! As a reader I can hardly keep up.
There’s a lot of things to talk about with the writing style and I’m only going to hammer one, because it needs to go – not just for storytelling but for any kind of writing you do, including school, work, heck even facebook. Parentheses. Parentheses are a strong indication that you’re not communicating well enough. They’re a tool to add information to a sentence. Since you’re the writer, you have total control over those sentences anyway, and you need to put that information in there naturally. That’s your job. You wouldn’t watch Avengers for the first time with a director’s commentary track playing over the action – “Hulk – Smash! (this is a thing he says, and even though in our universe we haven’t heard it much, we wanted to pay homage to the old comic culture of Hulk).” Heart’s pumping amirite? Don’t do it. NEVER do it. I don’t often get to speak in absolutes about writing style – but here I think I can. If your finger touches that parenthesis key, go back and change your sentence immediately!
Was that loud enough? Heh. Okay, got that out of my system. Look – I might be assuming too much, but I think you enjoyed yourself a lot when you wrote this. That is literally my ideal sort of writer. Never lose that. It tends to not produce something that’s particularly fun to read – you’ll notice a lot of professional writers are miserable bastards, partly because writing for consumers can suck out a lot of the fun. There’s no need to rush towards that. Have fun with writing. Enjoy it. Keep doing it. Worry about the readers when you’re ready for that. But do, please, murder all your parentheses from now on. It will help you communicate better in every writing effort you take on, for the rest of your life. Murder them!
Just kidding, sorry! I always feel like I need to single your stories out of this part of the review process. I’ll come back for you soon in a new post and tag it again for easy finding.
There’s a lot to love here, especially on the POWER theme. Sadly there’s also a lot left on the table – things left unsaid, unexplained, or just plain vague. But the style consistently carries me through what’s really pretty confusing – I mean let’s be honest, there’s some ridiculously powerful imagery here. Disturbing, too! And yet I find myself wondering about lots of it – unanswered questions all over the place. Who are these ‘Champions of the temple?’ I gather they’re supposed to be a big deal, but we only see one of them in action, and he’s laughably overmatched. Incidentally, when Tryst is killed, we’re left wondering what the heck just happened all the way up to the final showdown – that needs to be explained sooner. And better. Tryst… really hates horses? I gather Vinn got inside his head, and I have some ideas about what he might have done in there, but you’re demanding a whole lot of work on my part to sort that whole business out. And that’s a recurring theme – Vinn fights Seven and unless I already know he’s telepathic, their whole encounter seems just confusing and pointless. IT ISN’T – but I have no way of knowing that. You’re sorta alienating me. During his battle with Lysa, we keep hearing “The Lie,” over and over again, so we know it’s important, but…. What the heck are they even talking about?
But let’s not lose sight of the strong points – I adore your language. Every line spoken by every character is a punch in the gut. The world is intriguing and it’s established nicely (although there’s room to establish MORE of it). The fighting clips along actually pretty nicely, and the apocalyptic feeling is real. And the descriptions of everyone’s voices added a lot.
Overall – is it strong? Absolutely! But it doesn’t feel finished either. It’s confusing and vague at places where that doesn’t really help, and I don’t think you built up that twist enough to really hit as hard as it could. These people are all jerks – that’s cool and all, but without liking any of them, there just isn’t enough else to pull me all the way in here. The writing? GREAT! The story, I don’t know, for how much it demanded of me as a reader, I don’t feel like it paid off enough. It’s better on the second read-through – but it needs to be better on the first. Does that make sense? I positively love your writing. For that level, though, the story is a (bit!) of a let-down. Hang in there.
I’ve got an unfair advantage here because I’m up to speed on the timeline of the writing. So I know things like “There wasn’t a lot of time for re-writing parts of this,” I mean….. You were kinda busy! I’m gonna try to ignore that though. Positives – rhyming, metered poetry was a fantastic decision. It started to break down at the end, where the meter changes, and that’s okay, but since I know it was rushed (because I’m cheating), I can guess that it probably wasn’t totally on purpose…. You can do that deliberately and it’s cool, heck, I could even see breaking it down even harder, so that the new rhythm really takes the readers off their comfort zone. Anyway – format was great. Something to think about – there’s lots of visual descriptions and not much else. One of my old professors used to make us put at least two different senses into each line, and that was a terrible, horrible, awful rule – but it was nice practice. Some temperature, or some noise, or anything besides visual inputs really, can help setting the scene. Just now as I’m typing I noticed the ‘drum’ line, there isn’t much else though. Food for thought. Again, if you deliberately set out to do only one thing, that automatically makes it okay. Last thought – the lover relationship sort of pops up unexpectedly, which again, is fine when it’s on purpose. Just making you aware that it was a surprise to me. Build it up more in the future, or don’t, totally your call, this is just how it seemed to me. I liked it overall – the rhyming scheme didn’t damage your word choice much, if at all, and considering how long you had to finish everything, that’s a really good sign. Thanks for the threads!
Deep, strong stuff. Perfectly miserable ending. I noticed the lines and paragraphs getting shorter, somewhat irregularly but still consistently, like we’re rushing towards the shot and only realize too late what came with it. That might have come across stronger if there was a simpler pattern – lose a line every stanza, or every two stanzas, or whatever. Regardless, the form contributed strongly. The word choice and imagery are fantastic, although I’m not crazy about The Yellow Carrier, just feels off. That’s really the only thing in this whole poem that doesn’t hit a home run, so yeah. Excellent work.
Know what this poem needs? CURSING! Vulgarity. Naughtiness. As it is, I mean, great rhythm and rhyme, solid choices for images (that bit about a ring was great), not a whole lot of innovation though – I mean lots of people have compared authority to gods, sheep, puppets, and cages. To really stick out it needs to be a little more clever, or a little more raunchy…. Just unique somehow, you know? And the form is helping with that, really. Love the rhythm and rhyme. With a grasp on that, you can communicate your content super-effectively. The content itself, I mean, there’s nothing wrong with any of it, but you can reach a little further. A last note on the repetition of that first/last stanza – it came really close to working, but I think I’d change the very last line of the poem to something, like, insulting to the weak. After all that, if they’re not fighting back, they don’t deserve to “stand.” But that’s me interfering with your process, don’t take my word for it, just think about what else you might like to say there. In summary, great elements, great structure, could be a little more ambitious with the content.
I like the plot a whole awful lot. But my favorite thing is the characters – Marta especially, and Conifant too, although he doesn’t have *quite* enough time to really shine. Everything adds up tactically and the planning effort on your end hasn’t gone unnoticed. In short, the structure of this story is fantastic. Something you could do better (says an idiot on the internet) is, this whole narrative is really only about Effraye. No one does anything unless it specifically involves him, even if they’re a king or a knight or an enemy general. Not that we really need to be interested in what those other blokes ate for breakfast or anything, but the story becomes exponentially more deep when there’s another agenda added. That’s actually what the word “intrigue” means – two motivations squaring off. It’s hard to be intriguing with no intrigue, right? You certainly don’t have to go full Game of Thrones on your stories – especially short stories. That would do more harm than good. Something as simple as showing us why the king is upset would instantly add a layer of depth to the whole narrative and put Effraye’s actions into context. Which makes them more significant, which makes the story more interesting, which makes it better, right? Of course that’s easier said than done – the doing probably involves a lot of boring exposition. But that’s the art. Anyway Effraye’s journey here makes a great story. We actually tossed aside a bonus category called “Magikarp,” and I wish we’d kept it – Effraye the uselessly splashing fish out of water just saved his country, and it would’ve been perfect. Very clever take on the theme, well done!
aaaaaaaaah you weren’t kidding, were you? Tell you what, in the interest of timely feedback for everybody else, I’m gonna do yours alongside @Keyguyperson a little bit later. I won’t forget. But if I take too long, poke me and say angry things, I usually respond well to that.
There’s a charming sort of…… not “nonsense,” exactly, but unexplained strangeness in this little piece. “I am no cat” was such a great thing to say before destroying reality, I freaking love that line. I had to look up Victus on google – it refers to one’s way of life? Which adds some context, but I’m still generally confused and I feel like that’s sort of the point, so I won’t complain. Structurally speaking, this is way way waaaay too short to have an epilogue…. I think if you must show that a beloved grandfather has died, you should probably stick to Victus’ POV, although to be fair I’m not sure how well that could’ve gone. Your use of repetition is, to me at least, a mixed bag – the ‘Quite odd, indeed’ was perfect. But the red and the burning imagery (and that nuclear bomb line) leave me a little bit wanting. And if they are going to come up so much I sorta feel like I deserve a better explanation of who or what they are. I guess in closing I’ll say what everyone is thinking – yeah, it’s short, but it’s also fine that way. Good job.
Absolute and masterful domination of vocabulary. Um….. wow. While the critic in me wants to whine about the meter (which offends my noble standards of poetry), there’s no way that was anything but deliberate, so I’m going to leave off at that. You’re anonymous and it might take a while to get an answer to this question, but I’ll ask it all the same – why did you decide on this structure (or possibly, why didn’t you do something more regular)?
I browsed some other critiques, generally grasping for meaning. This is the book of Revelations made poetry (or, made more poetic, I guess). Daring. Grand. Ambitious and, you know what, you were up to the task. I am blown away by your use of language. Just floored. If Shakespeare had written a poem shaped like this, we’d all be writing them today – but since he didn’t, I can’t really tell what you’re doing with the structure, and that’s why I’m hoping we’ll eventually hear more about your choices on that front.
Gonna step into interpretation for a sec…. What this is showing to me is a foot soldier in Heaven’s army at the biblical apocalypse. This person can see the purpose guiding the wrath of the lamb, and appreciates the end of days because of his devotion to (and relationship with) God. That’s not really an okay thing to write about these days and I love you for doing it anyway. But best of all I feel like you did it without judgment – okay, this entity (I’m not clear on whether it’s an angel or a Christian) is acting with surety, but you as a writer aren’t going out of your way to glorify or vilify him/her/it, other than using absolutely flawless language throughout, which has me feeling pretty awesome about your speaker.
I don’t think I can say enough positive things about this poem. This poem is why we have poetry. And only because I’m certain I could talk about it all day, and yet I have other pieces waiting for attention, I think I have to stop myself there. Horrible world-ending things seen through the eyes of someone who gets it, without ….. UGH! I HAVE TO STOP!!! This is so hard to walk away from. Marry me. That was forward. Uh…. Okay. Okay for real, I’m going to just
Fantastic characters, clever ‘twist,’ and very natural pacing are your strong points. The people and the conversations all flow very nicely into a believable chain of events and conversations. And to me it seems like this is really about those conversations – what would YOU do with an ultimator, what would I do with it, what did these guys actually do with it, etc. It doesn’t all hit perfectly, but it hits a lot more than it misses. The weak points are, first and foremost, syntax – line breaks are tricky when moving from Word to a forum, no big deal. Sentences sorta meander around though, with commas and extra thoughts thrown in that aren’t helping. In conversations and dialogue – no big deal, that’s the speaker’s fault and you’re just saying what they said. When it’s the writer’s fault, like (grabs the first one that jumps out) “It wasn’t a neatly ironed shirt like most doctors wore, it was a blue t-shirt with the image of the Cookie Monster from Sesame Street, with the caption ‘Cookies!’ under it.” That’s where you need to come back through with a big Grim Reaper sickle and edit the crap right out of it. There’s a bunch I could single out, but it’s better if you single them out – make finding extraneous thoughts an exercise, and make killing them into a sport. @Holmishire mentioned a lack of conflict or change, which is spot-on in this story. It’s not that everybody always must forever be in conflict over everything, but the not-so-magic rock really has no significance, actual, imagined, or otherwise, and the rest of your story is really leaning on that MacGuffin to drive the plot. So, you know. Story-wise there’s plenty of work to be had. But your characters, descriptions, and pace of narration are each rather brilliant.
Coffee. Okay, so…. Well, obviously this is going to be another of those unique poetic forms that I need to hear more about before I really get. The message seems to be about the coffee addiction and its effects on people near and far, and all the stupid things we seem to believe about it (Five cents to charity! Have another thousand, it’s for a good cause!) It’s hard to follow though, and thus hard to eke out much in the way of greater meaning, but it does leave me with strong impressions, the way such a poem should. You shouldn’t be too concerned that a lot of it’s going over my head. Clever things do that to people. Still I can’t help but moan that it’s just so hard to get. It’s not alone in that regard, by any means, and it’s all done very deliberately (so it’s not like you made a mistake or anything). Certainly not the Starbucks of poetry, I suppose. Well, in my ignorance I can only say so much. I get the sense you did as you liked with the entry, and tackled a very sinister power (Coffee is satan, mark my words). High praise in that regard. I’ve got little understanding about the rest, and therefore little room to complain about anything.
Splendid account name, by the way. I’ve only read so much literature (trying to get better about that) but I smell Cormac McCarthy all over this piece – easily my favorite author, so understand, that’s a massive compliment. Everything detracts from everything so perfectly that it’s irresistibly constructive. If I could change only one thing, it would be the introductory paragraph. Not the first sentence – that’s gold/amber/depressing. But the rest of it could just as easily be left entirely unsaid, and in this style, that feels almost like a mandate to give it the axe. Let the Man simply wake up to street lights and dark skies, live under neon, sleep under neon, die under neon. If I could change two things (I should be so lucky), the lack-of-family dynamic seems essentially modern, where it could be a vehicle delivering more bleakness, darkness, and general absence of all hope. Not wrong, but perhaps an unspent opportunity. You were firing on all cylinders, though. Fantastic closing. Fantastic pace. Fantastic consistency and imagery. You’ve a dark, dark mind, Cormac. Show me more. Just give me some warning first so I can step outside for a minute.
I feel like somewhere a switch is stuck in the “Exposition” phase, trying in vain to come free. We started when Tangerine and Lavender conveniently explained what all the players can do…. Then we jumped back in time, so the rainbow daddy could explain why they can do it….. Then we jump forwards again so Jet could explain why it wouldn’t work….. then we left the narrative entirely to explain why it didn’t matter. GRANTED – as worlds and powers go, you did a nice job setting us up with an interesting scenario! But that’s only the short half of the stick. The catchphrase you’ll hear a million times is ‘Show, don’t tell.’ This was aaaaaaallllllllllllll tell (minus Jet sneaking up, but by that point he’d been explained three times, I think). An exercise to fix this – start again with a blank page and tell the story again without explaining anything whatsoever – no character conversations, no backstory, nothing. Whatever’s left is the story – and that story needs to be (significantly) bigger than the explanations involved, no matter what you’re writing (unless it’s poetry). I wish I could say that everybody falls into this trap once, but that’s not the case….. everybody falls into this trap like a million times, and there’s just no other solution but to practice, practice, practice. Which, hey, should actually be really fun, right? The good news is you explored three different methods of exposition, and they were all done pretty well (notably the conversation about other colors). Only trouble is that these do not a story make. Stick with it though. With ideas like these, you’re bound to entertain.
I mentioned this story alongside its polar opposite in ‘power literal and figurative’ by @Psyga315, the general point being that your stories are two extremes around a perfect middle.
I could do without everything that comes before a simple afternoon in the midst of October when she woke. Not that it’s poorly written – it confrontationally establishes Hawkins as a character with deep thoughts and awareness, and it does so effectively. But it serves no discernable purpose in the narrative, which is otherwise succinct, punchy, and action-packed. ‘To the point!’ seems to be the unspoken mantra of your military folk (a good one) – you can do that, too! To the point! On, Dasher! Etc. Kill that intro, kill it with fire. That’s my vote.
But enough about that. Starting with that simple afternoon, your writing is a near-perfect blend of description, action, and morbid observation. For the very briefest of moments throughout, you get snagged on an idea (I’m looking at “Her occupation, her purpose, her reason, her routine.”) Those are wholly insignificant and detract so little I feel bad even bringing them up. I love the pace, I love the style, I love the descriptions, I love the plain-ness and the complexity. I love everything. Solid all around. The only thing you need do is to get merciless about what can be cut – even when you wind up deleting ten pages from your Word document, if it needs to go, it needs to go. That’s my one and only concern.
(you slip back into first person at the end – is that more of the intro voice? KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!)
It’s a little….. arbitrary? I guess? I think ‘arbitrary’ is the word. Things are established only as they happen in real-time, whether that’s powers unfolding (I had to power the plant – good thing I have lightning! Need to get there – hey, I can fly. Russians need help, okay, I speak Russian). In this rare moment I kind of want more exposition, and that hurts me to say! Check out ‘Rainbow Oblivion’ for a comparison. @ScienMalefica spent a great deal too much time setting the stage, and my first and strongest reaction to your story is that you spent not nearly enough. Somewhere between your two entries is the perfect balance.
….It occurs to me now that this is a continuation of ‘Escalation of Two Brothers.’ (kudos to @Holmishire for pointing it out). Assuming that’s the case I soften my criticism a little – you’ve established the world and the powers before, and you don’t need to rehash literally everything. Still, even a sequel needs to establish the characters on stage/screen/page.
Let’s move past all that because now I’m confusing myself. The theme here would hit harder (and generally benefit greatly) from better pacing. Things happen quite suddenly, whether those things are “Hey make me mayor” or “I was wrong.” Motivations rise and fall in a single paragraph and we’re on to the next just as quickly as two kids can kidnap the mayor. Slow down. Some things need to be slow-cooked, and character development is (almost) always one of those things. The conflict between communism and capitalism can’t be the afterthought chasing a baseball bat, or I as a reader am only concerned about the bat, and the subsequent realization of the main character loses all its purpose.
When it’s all said and done, the character has come through a solid story arc and developed profoundly. That’s one of the most essential things you can do when writing. It’s not coming across strongly to me though, because it all happens haphazardly and quickly. , and most of the events of the story aren’t really contributing – the process simply occurs to the character while other stuff goes on. A little slower pace and a little more organic events, growing from the characters….. then you’ll be cooking with gas.
The first thing I find myself asking is, why the simulation? It’s cool, and that’s reason enough, if you want, but….. I mean, they’re going to be killing the losers anyway, right? And they’re preparing for (what seems like) a real war in the real world, so why MMO? Pulling that thread a little further, why would they kill the losers anyway? There must be plenty of use for someone that made it as far as Delta tryouts. Well, anyway. The premise isn’t a homerun for me, but it’s the premise and it would look damn cool on TV, so let’s focus on what we’ve got.
Ashley cuts a path through the competition quickly and effectively. She sorta breezes between one-liners and chilling introspection – that could be really interesting but it’s sort of forced, I think rushed a little. That’s a pacing thing and it just takes practice, both writing and reading/watching stories that do it well to sorta get a sense of the rhythm.
Action-wise, a lot of it is pretty cool, and yet a lot of it leaves me wondering. Like, she disarms and kills Carmine, cuts herself free, and….. everyone else just watches? How does she get the drop on all of them? But then we’re right back into awesome, when the woman with the knife reacts.
Overall – the ‘cool’ factor is high. The emotional aspects are shortchanged – if you’re going to have them, if you’re going to have round, emotional characters, then you really need to pay as much attention to that aspect as you do the action. The premise isn’t stellar, I think, but it gets the job done and you served it well (though, frankly, I think ending with 8 instead of 10 is bad – make those numbers line up one way or another). Plenty of effort and (thanks again @Holmishire) improvement over last time is clear. Specifically on the power theme, I don’t feel like you really did much though.
I have a disturbing fascination with this story, which I think was the desired impact. Consistently great tone and detail, which considering the length, is quite an accomplishment. I remember reading that you were concerned about finishing in time -- those concerns were justified, as I don't think this is a fair ending for the story (and again, clearly, it wasn't meant to be -- deadlines are deadlines). Long as it is you need like another week or two to really finish what you started -- and I easily could've read another thirty pages of this, the quality definitely totally justifies the quantity. Excellent work.
My initial reaction while reading was mixed. Parts felt unnecessary as I was getting them -- of course they weren't. Elis was an important perspective on the experiment process. While we were there, it felt like "Oh, we're just doing this for the sake of shock and awe." NOT THE CASE -- I dunno if there's a way to hint at the greater purpose without spoiling the tension, but if you think of one, consider it.
The characterization of the government was possibly a little too strong -- that is to say, heavy-handed. I don't think you really had a choice though. If you were writing a novel I'd say take more time, flesh out the government's overbearing role in subtler, more foreboding ways, maybe write several chapters from the perspective of a totally uninvolved civilian just dealing with their BS -- but to really do it justice would break the 150k character limit on a single entry, and take much longer than two weeks. A long-way-round method of saying -- in the contest format, you did a great job establishing who they are and how they operate, with not much time or space wasted. If I were to assume you might revisit this story later in a longer format, then and only then I'd encourage a more methodical approach. In this context, your approach was perfectly effective.
A large portion of the story is about technology, rather than characters. The nanites themselves are almost their own character, growing more effective and developing to the point where they can successfully complete their purpose and unite with Katya. To that end -- and again, this only applies if you're developing this story further -- it might be interesting to learn more about their growth. I guess the nearest pop-culture analog I can think of is the Ironman suit -- like yes, the story of the suit is told through Tony Stark, but the suit evolves and grows, and has its own essence that develops as the action unfolds. It's sort of daunting to devote whole chapters to basically techno-babble...... it might not work, remember, I'm just an internet moron..... but it could add some more credibility to the doctor's feeling of losing control. A million ways to skin that cat, and you can decide for yourselves if you'd even want to, but just for the sake of discussion I thought I'd bring up the concept.
Final impression: 'Concise' it isn't, but this is a crazy interesting story, robbed of some of its effectiveness because of me and my stupid deadlines. But even despite that, I'm completely hooked. If you were to take this to its final form, there are some broader areas to flesh out, and others to pare down a bit. In its current form it's missing the payoff -- masterful rising tension throughout the story, involving forces diverse and horrifying, but we barely glimpsed the climax.... which is more my fault, or rather that of the contest format, than yours, but still needs to be said. The incomplete plot is the only standout flaw, and considering the circumstances that was all but inevitable, so it's really not a negative. Very, very, very, extremely very well done.
First and foremost -- you're clearly ready, churning these monster entries out back to back, I mean, to a certain extent I feel irresponsible even encouraging you to do RPGC, it could be sapping your time for novelling. You're in an intermediary zone between (very long) short stories/novellas and real professional book writing -- and you don't need to be. Step on up and play in the big leagues, and soon, because the first several aren't going to live up to your expectations (at least mine didn't, yours are probably better). But go ahead and start working on those creative muscles. If you can bench 175 pounds this easy, there's no sense in benching another 175. Increase the weight, develop, grow, etc. In my tenuous insignificant position of imaginary authority, I feel obligated to give you a kick. Write more. Write bigger. It's time.
SECOND -- This story in particular is hindered by not being big enough. The plot is massive and specific with lots of development (every little section is making a big advancement, save maybe for the first few translation sections). It leaves me with the feeling that these momentous events are occurring in a vacuum -- Hey, there's a blip, let's all go to the blip! Hey there's a fight, let's all fight! Hey, he wants to have technology for everybody, let's do it! Instead of building these things up with more background and color. Naoko is the exception which should become your model -- she's fully fleshed-out, she's got history that works itself in slowly over time, depth and motivations and all that. Everything should be that well told. And understandably, it isn't -- look at the size of this thing, and imagine if everybody and everything were as thoughtfully deep as Naoko. Wholly unrealistic to expect in this format, and yet it really needs those developments to be more organic. So it's like.... either tell less story (don't do that!) or do the big story right. I'm thinking back to Never Forget and remembering your plethora of characters of different flags, and how well that created the full atmosphere -- that would work here. I enjoyed the focus on a couple protagonists, but in this epic scale it left a lot of things sorta shapeless. Case in point the Amerigans -- a reference to saber-rattling early on, followed by a bunch of fighting and then suddenly not fighting -- if you gave us a fighter ace perspective through the whole story, that would be instantly credible.
What it boils down to is yeah, long as it is -- to tell this right it needs to be longer still. Step halfway to the next creek rock and all you get is wet.
THIRD -- let's be honest, I'm selfish and I want more, and if this was longer I'd have more. There's a time and a place to write less and develop your style more fully -- you ain't there, kid, you're well past that. I'm hungry. Feed me.
a quick technique note -- translation played a big role here, possibly bigger than was necessary. Some of it -- typing/translating things out in russian -- would've been better I think simplified. The scene with Naoko talking to Robin Hood through Mami was... what's the way to put this. I do it differently and like it my way and that implies nothing about your method. If one is already making it a point to be legible to non-Russian-speakers, then adding actual russian text doesn't accomplish much -- could just as easily be expressed as "He said something in Russian/language." I like it that way because I think it flows better. Your call is (clearly) at least as good as mine; but think about it maybe.
The thing I really wanted to talk about though is, the scenes at the canal didn't seem significant enough to justify the amount of time we spent there. This is ultimately about building peace. Understanding each other plays a role, and translation escapades establish that well... but these sections dragged a little, and their impact on the conclusion was pretty limited. Option A, which I hate for you, is to spend less time there -- or maybe simply less nitty-gritty explanation of each attempt at decoding, which is better I guess... But my preferred option, out of the million other ways you could handle it, would be to introduce even more plot while there. Make some friends in the lower districts, doomed to die in the flooding, which color Mami's reactions down the road. Or meet some traveling Vespuccian tourists who just want to buy ironic T-shirts, or something. Essentially transform it from a moderate-length series of expositions, to a longer, organic narrative with real impact on later events. I'm reading War and Peace right now and it's blowing my mind how much the domestic scenes contribute to the wars -- you don't gotta be Tolstoy here, but the things that happen in one theater should impact the other. And that goes both ways, too -- the battle of the blip should hold significance to the city folk, too, and not just the other way round. It does, by vehicle of the otherworld technology everybody gets, but who do we know that benefited from that adventure? As a reader, no one, really.
OVERALL IMPRESSION -- more, more, more. And as if you weren't already, think about bigger, too. As always I'm keenly interested in where you go next. Anything I can do to help (contest or otherwise) is probably unnecessary, but available anyway.
Wow, I didn't even know this contest was going on until today. I always look over to the little section on the right of the homepage to see what contest is going on; it still says the first contest's information. Someone needs to update that thing. Kind of pisses me off now; I would have loved to write an entry for this if it had been more clearly displayed on the site.
It's a coding limitation. We're meant to have control over that box, but @Mahz is away and the finished functionality still needs a lot of work. We're aware, he's aware, @Terminal from TTL is aware as well -- it'll be ready when it's ready. In the meantime I should be doing more to build awareness when submission periods are open, so expect me to improve on that in the future. FWIW, the Second Labor will begin very shortly after this voting period ends, and we'll be back with RPGC #3 twelve days later, give or take a few hours on either end.
We obviously need this thread open so that people can freely volunteer to join the contest staff. I need to be able to post updates as well to keep our needs current.
So begins the great nonymous experiment. A friendly reminder before we start -- feedback is crucial, all the more so when it's something you don't want to hear as an author. We're in this together as Fonz-cool writers helping Fonz-cool writers. We haven't tried this with names before, and we're not sure how it's going to play out, but I'm standing by to help resolve any conduct issues. I'm not here to make people say nicer things -- that would cheapen the feedback! But if you feel like a line is being crossed at any time, you can contact me directly.
Half Pint,
Ohm,
TokyoPewPew,
Maksart