BrokenPromise

RPGC #17: Singing in the Rain - Discussion

Seems like there was a decent voter turn out this time. I wonder if that's because there was comparatively less to read compared to previous contests, or because the contests are becoming a thing again.

RPGC #17: Singing in the Rain - Voting and Critique

Just in time!

I was kind of busy this month, but I think I was able to write up some half-competent reviews.

@Mattchstick

Hider

Grammar was mostly on point. There were just a few parts where there was some odd phrasing.

Not a single thing had happened in his life that he had not found a way to look over or around to it eventually dissipating.

Double negative, and dissipating doesn't quite sound like the right word. I'd also remove the “over” or the “around” to keep the sentence tight.

All he had was a brown leather jacket and ragged pants, as he had left his own umbrella at home. The other fellow rolled his in a most rude manner and scurried away.

I get that “his” refers to “his umbrella,” but I still did a double take reading this one. I'm also not sure how one rudely rolls up an umbrella. Did he just shoot him an annoyed look?

It might have been a bit too silly at the end, but I wasn't bothered by it. I guess I'd have liked for there to be something that actually made his luck so incredibly rotten on this particular day. But the story itself definitely did what you set out to do, which was be hella amusing/funny. So thanks for that. It's not often text gets me to physically chuckle.

@Calle

Hider

The story had a number of repeating grammatical errors, of which I've decided to grab the most notable examples to avoid redundancy.

Songs sounded better when there was music accompanying the words and if, for whatever reason, he couldn’t sing he could still play his lute.

I feel like one strong reason for wanting to keep his lute dry is better than a number of small reasons. He's a bard, the lute is his life blood. You haven't actually mentioned he was a bard at this point, but this would have been a better time to do such. It's important to keep the reader engaged by not giving them too many pointless details.

Mikhal, the travelling bard, continued down the path. There were some trees alongside of it, they didn’t seem like they would really shelter him from heavy rain.

Here's where you mention Mikhal is a bard, and only in passing. You then follow it up with trees that don't really add anything to the story or scene. It would be more acceptable if you were trying to build a vivid scene of the pass, but this felt tacked on.

The thick cloak did a decent job keeping his body dry and his hat kept his head warm, but Mikhal had to admit this was one of the downsides of a travelling existence. Being cold and wet was something no-one wanted, himself included.

His hat keeps him warm... but he's cold? You have two different descriptions that don't work well together. It would be acceptable to say something like “As warm as his hat was, it couldn't stop his body from being chilled by the downpour.”

He walked towards her and nodded politely, it surprised him how young she looked.

You can't really join two ideas that have nothing to do with each other with a comma. Her being surprisingly young has nothing to do with his nod.

A water spirit in the shape of a beautiful, white horse and the person foolish enough to try and ride it, because it seemed so tame, would notice their legs got stuck on the back.

A run on sentence. There are many ways you could correct this one, either by shortining it or breaking it up into two-three sentences.

“Maybe so, but I can’t change him. If he will find someone foolish enough to ride him, it will be his next meal. And he can hunt and eat fish in the lake, but I guess it’s not as nourishing as a human is.”

By the way bitch, you were one of those “foolish enough.” Kinda disappointed Mikhal didn't follow up on that. (not an actual remark on the story, just an observation)

I find the biggest flaw with this story though is how things are explained. It's not done in a way that's very engaging as a reader.

As the settled down, tasted the berries and drank fresh water, they talked about where they were from. It turned out Mikhal was right: Meria did come from the northern regions, known for its many lakes, plains and swamps, and lack of trees. Mikhal told her that he grew up in an inn that his parents run, but that he wanted to travel and perform and that it was the best decision he had ever made. He was happy, he had food and shelter most of the time and he had met a lot of interesting people, current company included.

This could have been an interesting scene, but it's written in a very static way. While your mythical creatures get to enjoy Meria actively explaining their rich lore to Mikhal, the characters themselves do not get the same treatment. Actually, that was something I noticed while reading this story. The only “infodumps” that were explained with any enthusiasm were the mythical creatures.

Regarding the story itself, I think it's kind of odd that a sorceress who wishes to save a baby dragon/serpent has chosen to befriend a carnivorous horse. She's even crazy enough to let it run ahead and eat in a place where the baby dragon/serpent is suppose to be. I also found Mic a little overly trusting of a sorceress who walks around with such a dangerous creature, and doesn't seem to care if it eats people or not. How commonplace is magic in this world anyway? We're getting into small details like why a carnivorous horse likes eating bugs in the grass, but not the much bigger questions. And we'll never get to see them answered because it's a one shot story.

@Vocab

Hider

Due to the horrendous format you used for writing the story, I was unable to make notes in my word processing software. So this is going to be a pretty light review.

So let's start with the format. It's not technically wrong, but it's very unpleasant to read things without double spaced paragraphs. Maybe this is unfair to say, because it is a preference that I can't really back up with some sort of “fact.” but it's my review, and I'm going to continue to bring it up as long as it appears in your entries.

I enjoyed the story, but I found the point of view character's inner voice inconsistent. He starts off swearing, and has quite a bit of, erm, “personality” that just sort of fades away in the second half of the story. The story was also perhaps a bit too short to show how this interaction positively affected the rest of his life. I could have used 3-4 more paragraphs just to see a little bit more.

@Kalleth

Hider

Grammar was good for the most part. A few things though.

“Go sit on an aurochs’ horn, Caraw.” Meldie hissed, stabbing down more angrily at the shovel.

I had to google Aurochs. While some wouldn't consider that a problem, I might recommend leaving a few clues as to what an aurochs is. In the next paragraph you do call it a beast of burden, but it comes a bit late.

The last thing she wanted was for this creep to see her toiling in her exarchiver’s robes, which were far too loose in the front to keep the wearer cool during the hottest part of the day.

Wouldn't a loose fitting garb be cooler than one that snugly fit? You even write later on that their outfits are not very revealing.

It was true, he was enjoying the view that Meldie’s loose robes afforded him, but a better part of his bitterness came from having genuinely wished for a place to be alone.

I'm not sure Meldie’s clevage has anything to do with his bitterness. This should be two different sentences.

Meldie was breathing heavily despite herself and she squeaked in terror when she felt rough hands reach around her to grab the shovel.

Again, we have two ideas that have nothing to do with each other. Meldie was breathing heavily, then she was startled. You might have been able to get away with a comma and some rearranging, but creating two different sentences might work better. Though perhapse the most elegant solution is just to remove that she was breathing heavily, as you've already established how tired she is.

Next one is a perspective shift mid-paragraph.

“Thank you, Caraw.” Meldie’s voice sounded so soft that Caraw had to swallow before he could face her. When he turned around to meet her gaze, she had already turned away to her hole, employing the technique he had shown her. The man, only a year older than Meldie, threw his hands in the air and sat back on the edge of the sand hill.
His hair was tousled by a light wind, that tasted of sharp cold, of the kind that bit into his cheek. The soft thumps, and shearing tugs of the shovel into the earth were all that he heard, aside from Meldie’s shortness of breath. She could feel her lungs burning, with the lifting and the stomping giving her some sense that she could stomp and wrench her problems out of her life.

I would argue that you should never see a scene from more than one perspective, but that's a pet peeve of mine and trends are starting to change. Head hopping was formerly frowned upon, and now it's okay to do. However, it's very confusing when you do this mid paragraph. You need a break of some kind if you're going to pull this off.

The real tragedy of those last days of summer, was that nobody ever noticed how frequently excarchivers went missing in Maradûn, and that none ever came back. The rain stole them up and away from the homeland in the hills, and cast them into new worlds, always alone and without anybody to guide them. Until now.

I kind of felt cheated when the disappearances came up now and weren't hinted at until it happened. Also, a bit surprised her dad would let her do something that could make her daughter disappear.

Meldie, for her part, had turned redder than a rûthfruit, and was sincerely hoping Caraw was a blind as she was.

Google didn't tell me what a rûthfruit was, so I think it's made up. You are allowed to make up your own fruit for a fictional setting, but it might be more effective in a situation like this to just state something the reader actually knows.

“I’m making clothes, idiot. Didn’t they ever teach you how to do that, idiot?”

Meldie is a tsundere, that is all. (not an actual issue with the story)

There in the shadows of the grove, the beginnings of a bond had begun to take shape. Even as foreign eyes were drawn from miles around to the light of an unshielded campfire, and a reign of a much different and more deadly kind, was on the cusp of falling...

that does not sound like a silver lining. Dat tiddy grab doh. Dat was amazing.

Um, but yea, I didn't really feel like the story went anywhere. Our hapless tsundery princess and male protagonist get transferred to another dimension. I guess they maybe realized they had feelings for each other? But I kind of felt like things were already moving in that direction when he helped her shovel. Ultimately, it's a one shot for a story we're never going to see the end of. Oh well.

@Dusksong

Hider

The grammar and word stuff is pretty spot on. But I would have preferred quotations or italics to make Sophie's thoughts easier to identify. I had difficulty with the below passage for this reason.

Plu, though, hates the rain, Sophie thought in amusement. And rightfully so—keeping him from heading out ought to be a crime.

Also, you need to be careful with the em dash. It's a powerful tool that can be used to create a pause like a comma, or create emphasis like parenthesis. But because it's so multitalented, it's not a good idea to have more than two in a sentence.

From the edge of the patio door, her eyes skimmed over the empty armchair—on which Pluvius often sat, staring out the window—and vacant couch—where Sophie had seen him on many a rainy day, cuddled up amongst the cushions—and she wondered where he was napping today.

It's hard for a reader to tell what the em dash is suppose to be doing here. That, and it's a bit of a run on sentence.

It’d physically hurt to leave Pluvius behind, yes, and though the video calls did little to help—Pluvius looking wildly around for her when the mic produced her voice in staticy imitation, thoroughly confused by what he couldn’t understand to see—he was waiting for her when she got back, a bit less lustrous but no less loving, all purrs and adororant nudges.

Another run-on sentence. Also, I'm not sure adororant is a word. But don't quote me on that.

I liked the story. I probably would have prefered the story to be a bit more active. The entire thing is more or less a girl recalling memories of her pet. But it was told very well, and I'm hard pressed to find anything inherently wrong with the story itself. Thanks for sharing.

my vote goes to...

Silver linings. A quality entry that made interesting use of the theme.

Darling in the Franxx Roleplay Brainstorming

@vancexentan even if you were active in places saturated with fan activity, I'm suggesting you talk to people here, where the RP will be taking place. If you're still not sure what should be going into the setting, you're not ready to make the RP. if you have a collection of friends, you might want to talk to them. I prefer to talk with people one on one because I feel they are more honest that way, and they aren't influenced by the group's discussion. this is essential if you're not super crazy about the series, it's important to hear why other people ARE crazy about the series. Protip: you may be the GM, but you are NEVER the biggest fan. I may sound like I'm regurgitating the same thing over and over again, but it's really important to know what the fans want if you're making a fan RP.People want to experience Darling in the Franxx one way or the other if they are participating.

As far as how I would run it? After I got feedback from a few people, I would then decide what I could safely do to give myself the most control. Just as an example, I don't really like the cockpit situation. It's really clear whoever designed a cockpit where the girl has to bend over in front of the guy was less concerned about practicality and what would spawn the most buttseckz jokes on the internet. If my "focus group" was miffed at the awkward cockpit designs, I would revamp them to something more practical and less Korean MMORPG what it is now. On the other hand, if suggesting this type of change just got people to tip their heads, then I would leave the smutpits exactly the way they were. After that's done, I'd work on the story. I tend to set up a skeleton of a story and fill in details with player hooks. I would work on a plot of course, which would mostly just be why these monsters are showing up, and the motivations of key NPCs and antagonists. this tends to come to me quickly and automatically, as revealing these details to players is why I GM in the first place.

With all the prepwork done, everything else is a breeze. At least for me. I would make an interest check that clearly illustrates what the RP is and isn't. This means telling everyone changes I made to the cockpit, and the fact that the RP's direction will not follow the show exactly because it's still airing and, well, it's unlikely the RP will be able to follow the main plot of the show perfectly. I would note any other major changes that might turn players on or off, and then I'd let the sparks fly.

I like having a lot of control over fight scenes, so I would opt to run the fights myself. But I'm very confident in my fighting ability, and have no problem controlling large numbers of characters at the same time. Depending on the size of your player base, I would stay away from single enemies that everyone has to fight. They just aren't that interesting against large groups of players. It turns into a game of "figure out my weakness, or look silly, haha!" I would opt to have teams of powerful monsters that might be in close proximity to each other. This lets the players split up their forces, and leads to a more tactical feeling fight. Let's say you have ten players, which gives you five mechs. You could stage a battle where two people need to unite to fight two of the monsters, while the remaining mech has to hold out until the other two monsters are killed against an opponent that's stronger than they are. Everyone shares the spotlight, instead of needing to compete for it. But if you really needed that one monster to fight them all, I'd make the monster in such a way that it would break up the mech's single group in one way or the other. maybe a large monster where each limb is a smaller monster, etc.

Then it's just a matter of playing attention to what everyone is saying and tweaking as necessary.

Sadly, I can't help form the story because, as I've said, I know nothing about the show. Well, aside from the smutpits. But by the sound of it, you still need to decide what elements of the show you're going to keep in tact.

Oh, and you'd best have a back up plan for when some of the pilots decide to leave the RP without as much as a whisper. Say your group starts off with eight players, and three of them leave in the first month. if you're unlucky, that means you have one mech working and three others that are one short of a full pair. I've personally overcome this by taking control of such characters myself, but not everyone feels comfortable doing that. So figure out what works best for you.

<Snipped quote by vancexentan>
I feel like there isn’t fewer risks involved as opposed to original works, I feel like it just has a different set of risks. But yes, I do agree that sometimes a canonical “AU” is more approachable than someone’s pet project that they want to test.

@Inkarnate

I guess I'm the only person who aproches a fan RP and thinks "Okay, I really hope the GM doesn't screw up how X acts, gets Y correct, and chooses not to acknowledge the existence of that horrible Z movie!

Darling in the Franxx Roleplay Brainstorming

...and that's exactly why you talk to other people in the fandom, locally, at the forum where you plan on hosting the thing. So that this way when you decide to go off and make your thing, you can be confident it's going to garner some interest.

Your previous life.

<Snipped quote by BrokenPromise>

You didn't exist. There is no such thing as reincarnation for you. The site is a lie.

@ArenaSnow

Or did I always exist?

: O

RPGC #17: Singing in the Rain - Discussion

Will be reading the entries over the week.

Lunacy of Love: A CYOA Magical Girl Roleplay [Completed]

Tonya “Mac” Murphy

Age: 24/11 | Gender: Female/Female | Illusion, Gravity
Body | Power of Friendship, Regeneration | Moirai
Wings, Soul Jar, Martial Training, Familiar, Environmental Sealing, Gifted, Awareness, Mystic Artifact

Magical Overload, Paragon, Blessing, Gifted Item | Monster Form, Big Brother, Arrogance, Vendetta
Redirected Magic, Second Specialization | Non-Standard Limbs, Destroyer

STR: 05 | AGI: 04 | VIT: 05 | MAG: 03 | LCK: 03

STR: 12 | AGI: 08 | VIT: 10 | MAG: 16 | LCK: 05

Earnings this post: Zilch

Total: 1 Gold, 45 Silver, 49 Bronze

Tonya wasn't too pleased to see that the ship had been frozen in place. But it seemed like that wouldn't be a problem much longer as Alicia was making it rain laser beams. This put Tonya in quite the predicament, as she couldn't readily cross the frozen lake, nor could she help the people back on the shore.

Perhaps she'd heckle beacon with some mind games.

She'd just have to make Alicia think she had less mana remaining than she actually did. It wouldn't be hard, especially since she exerted herself during that gorelion fight. But it wasn't all bad for Alicia. Tonya would make sure there was a firework show keeping her opponents busy.

And again, the fighting had started. Sue pushed as hard as she could on the levers, but the earth bastion wouldn't budge another inch. The lake must have been frozen completely solid. Otherwise the earth bastion would have cruised straight through the ice on the surface. At least that was what she suspected. The familiar didn't have a lot of faith in Alicia's plan to free the bastion. Even if she was able to clear the ice away from the perimeter of the ship, there was likely a great deal of ice under the ship that still had to be removed before the ship could be expected to do something. Not that she didn't appreciate the attempt. It was certainly a step in getting the ship moving again. But Sue couldn't help anyone from the bridge. Something needed to happen.

The familiar tore a strip of cloth away from therim of her gown and pulled it around both levers. She then tied it around a monitor on the console, Even if she wasn't going to be here, the ship would continue to drive forward. She just needed to return here if she needed to do any course correcting. She kept telling herself it would be fine, and ran out the front door. As soon as it locked behind her, Sue transformed and flew for the main cannon's turret seat. With any luck, she would be able to reach the seat before the cat-girl spotted her. Normal cats terrifies sue, and magical cat girls were sure to be even more frighting.

Meanwhile, Amber put her plan into motion. At least her part of it. She spread her wings and jumped off the edge of the ship. Her destination was further away than usual, but the sudden updraft helped her shoot across the sky. She fired her cannon at the frozen lake to give herself some lift, and was also able to take evasive action in the event a projectile came her way. She was moving so fast that her hat blew off her head before reaching her destination. Amber didn't have time to slow her decent, and ended up rolling across the battlements. This type of entry wasn't what Amber preferred, but given the situation she'd take what she could get. The pirate girl had lost sight of Umeko after flying into the castle, but Amber doubted she'd be left alone. Amber crept to the edge of the battlements, arms and face covered in scuff marks from when she tumbled. If Umeko hadn't bothered to check her flank, she might be able to ambush her. Amber would like that.

Asriel Dreemurr Genocide Boss Fight Request

@RedTheDrago if you're looking to do a 1x1 RP, you should probably post in 1x1 interest checks. Nobody really checks in general unless they can't find what they want anywhere else, or want to brainstorm a group RP

Darling in the Franxx Roleplay Brainstorming

I'm not familiar with "Darling in the Franxx" at all, but I think the solution to your problem is the exact same one I used for my Danganronpa RP.

The first thing you want to do is talk to some fans of the show and see why people are watching it. You want to know why people are watching so that you can make changes and be confident they won't drive people away. When I talked to people about Danganronpa, it seemed like everyone was more interested in the exhilarating "solve the murderer or die" mechanic than the individual characters and story. This allowed me to confidently change the origin of the characters. Instead of all the characters being affiliated with hope's peak, they are affiliated with an original organisation. The mascot villain is a centerpiece for the franchise however, and I worked hard to replicate his behavior as best as I could. also, Danganronpa is traditionally split 50/50 even as far as character sexes go, and I just let people make who they wanted to make. If you're going to do crossover shenanigans, my advice is to make an original RP and just say it was inspired by "Darling in the Franxx" and "Evangelion." This gives you and your players the most freedom, and will lure in any fans of those shows who are brave enough to click on your thread.

As for how to make a plot or if you should share the work with a co-GM, there is no right answer, and I could spend all day talking about the topic. You sound like you want to combined ideas from a lot of different shows, which makes me thing you'd have an easier time with an original setting inspired by these other shows. I have never used a Co-GM, but I personally feel that making the big monsters. There's also no rule saying that you have to pick a particular method. You could have all the players fighting their own monsters, and then decide to have one big monster show up. Of course, you need to have good communication with your players so that the big monster can arrive at a time everyone's able to fight it.

Character Post Index

Oh, I have an idea that doesn't use any programs, depending on how computer savy your player base is.

Simply have guidelines for each player where when they make a new post. They would add a hyperlink to the post on their character sheet, which would be named after their character and the post number (like in your example) Then as often as you'd like you'd just have to click view raw, and paste over that portion of the post index.

If you wish for a system where you have full control, or don't want to burden your players, there aren't a ton of options. Perhaps if you explained your problem with the programs a bit better, I might be of more help. "data" is a small word that can mean a lot of different things.