Burger

Ultralight

Bizarre how every image that someone used, I have some form of problem with. Y'all need to up ya quality game

@Lotrix Molick

Sort of summary

It appears that we're going to use written descriptions for this now. Sorry for not telling you earlier and kinda leading you on there. (also not gonna lie, that image is really low quality)

The backstory is a bit off, so to speak:

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Magpie is the most veteran contractor for Cider, but she's not very old. Cider herself has also been working as a liason for only about 9 years. Didn't make this too clear, mb.
The backstory has a lot of elements that should have just been removed, IE, one-off mentions that don't really make any sense.

The backstory is used to tell why your character is the way that they are and how they have the talents they have. Generally, for weaker and less important things, I give a bit of leeway in the form of implied training that they get on the field. However, for things such as traditional martial arts; there is no reason as to why someone picks up martial philosophy on the field.

The story doesn't really explain what her powers are. For something as important and story-bending as effective immortality is, I can't really let it slide as "nobody knows." Instead of having a valid reasoning as to how they got out of fate, it's instead an incoherent mess of ideas all clashing. A one-off demon, a cult, a woman that glows for no real reason, a girl who has powers that's thrown into "she just has them and it's convenient to the backstory", pocket dimensions (for some reason). I'd suggest you really cut away a lot of elements, or you write them out to the point where they don't feel like disjointed ideas.

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We already have a tinkerer in the form of Buzzkill's character.

Besides that, proofreading is really important. As the old saying goes, a lot of sentences don't done do words good.

In summary, the CS would basically need a lot of proofing, tinkerer concept removed, main appearance image turned to text, and the story would need to be completely revamped as to remove the disjointed feelings I get from reading it.

Ultralight

The issue would be less "two people are buddy cops" and more "four people could have been buddy cops".

As it stands, we're all gucci now.

Ultralight

@Phantomlink959

Do it if you want to ping them. Like how I want to ping you now. I don't mind if people ping or not.

Ultralight

Makes me want to run a second character that's got nothing to do with EDENPOL whatsoever if it'll balance things out a bit.

@Concept

It's fine as it is, me thinks. I was mostly worried about "Hey man, I was a cop!", "Same here!", then it turns into a buddy cop RP.

Thankfully, we get nice juicy intercharacter drama with "EDENPOL brotherhood REPRESENT" and "fuck the police lmao". Which solved what I was worried about most.

^{but please no more cops, you can be practically anything else}

Ultralight

@Concept I was on edge at first because _another_ EDENPOL officer. Thankfully, I think the angle of a cop turned enforcer is _just_ enough to differentiate. All you have to do is remove the image at the top (and maybe add a short sentence or two added to the appearance) because I'm a stickler for cohesion and we're all doing text appearances now.

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Please no more cops. there's so many

Ultralight

@Concept

ye that's fine

Ultralight

@Buzzkill OH NO, CARROT TOP. It's nice. I like it. Feel free to move it to the CHAR tab.

Altera: Of Departures and Deliverance

Ash had awoken feeling sick to her core. That much pork was a bad idea. However, she stomached through it. It was a familiar feeling. One that, though she didn't remember, she knew well. Everyone had rose to the sound of pots clanging, and Ash was no exception. Thankfully, her coinage was still in her grasp. After all, who would steal under the watchful eye of god in the middle of a church?

She had some of the breakfast soup. It did little to soothe her gut and wasn't extremely sustaining, but it was something to vomit out if she felt too bad. Though, she was extremely careful not to allow her breakfast to see the church once more, especially before their processions. With greetings to the others (and an especially snide remark to the new girl), Ash was ready to leave the church. Though, Matteo assumed a leader's position and began to share ideas. To go back to the office to get the new girl her "gift". Though the way back was, obviously for Matteo, a mystery.

"Somewhere south," Ash said, her tone less formal than before, "it took maybe an hour carrying you here. Should probably be less." Ash had paused, thinking what to say next. "I didn't get much information last night. Only thing I learned is that each silver coin is about a hundred copper coins. A meal's about three to ten copper."

Ultralight

That sounds quite reasonable and I will fluff it to be outside of fate. I would like some type of rivalry or animosity with some faction that seeks to maintain fate. I may create a small cult unless there are already people that would want to hunt the character.

@Lotrix Molick

You'd be hunted by multiple factions already, but none of them seek to maintain fate. If you want to add another one on, feel free too.

Ultralight

Anyway, the undying sage sounds like a good idea. By slow regen, what do you mean? Is it like D&D troll regen where they can reattach limbs and heal fast enough not to keel over but not fast enough to ignore the dangers of damage?

@Lotrix Molick

I suppose it would be akin to a D&D troll. What I was thinking was more quick "weak" regeneration and slow "strong" regeneration. Meaning that if an arm gets lopped off, you can grab it, hold it to the stump, and about 15 seconds later, it's reattached. However, the reattachment is weak at first. It could easily be knocked off again, and you wouldn't regain full strength of the arm until a day or two later.

Since it's an undying sage, they could be freely shot in the head, black out for a half an hour, then come back. The regen would probably be slower if they got their head lopped into two bits, but you could always improve the speed by just shoving as much viscera as you could back into the skull. If they get utterly destroyed, shredded into goo, then spread across the world, regeneration would probably take a few years.

This means that the undying character is unable to personally feel the stakes, but everything they know and love can still be lost. As compared to a lich-lite, they can still use their regeneration in combat without having to die and miss out on a few posts because they have to die to regenerate. Plus they're still affected by things like entrapment, rather than being able to bite off your own tongue and appear nearby, away from harm.