Member
Oso
Konan375
Sep
Echotech71
BrokenPromise
Fetzen
mickilennial
Force and Fury
Round one of my reviews. Ellri will follow up with a deeper examination after my main issues have been addressed as I focus mostly on balance and story, then I will likely review it again for problems and/or requested additions. It is mostly routine as everyone's PC has been altered a few times, and rarely accepted the first round which is why the acceptance round is often the hardest. Also, I feel would be a good idea is to mention what type of lightsaber form(s) he uses as part of his skills. It helps a lot to keep your PC's fighting style the same through out the IC and match up against others should a PvP scene come up.
Name: Tyvan Relv
Species: Human
Age: 24
Gender: Male
Faction: Jedi
Rank: Knight
Appearance:
Appearance:
Notable Characteristics of Species: Somewhat more muscular than a normal human due to intense physical training before being captured.
This section is only for if your character isn’t fully human or another race completely. Various frame built and such don’t count as that is more an individual trait, even within the same race no one individual will have the same exact attributes, looks, etc. Any mention of his built, namely positive or negative, belong in the appearance section.
Flaws:
Easily goaded when fighting opponents, it makes him a bit more aggressive and more likely to mess up somehow while fighting.
Using the Force itself as a weapon. He has no problems with letting it aid him in lightsaber combat.
Hatred of the Sith clouds his judgement
Easily goaded: Alright, so he’s short temper and easily baited. A bit more detail on how easily he’s baited into messing up might be helpful as such, do they need to attack a key aspect of him or his allies? Does his attacks need to fail and the enemies comment on this starts to affect him?
Using the Force: Are you meaning his force ability is considered weaker than an average Jedi? It wouldn’t influence his fight ability, but it might explain why he doesn’t use force push and pull within combat while he could still do force assisted jumps and more physical type force.
Hatred: What degree of hatred? A kill all Sith mentality where he’ll immediately attack, become hostile or disrespectful toward anyone related to Sith without any provocation. Or just distrust of anything related to Sith and while he wouldn’t attack on sight, he’ll keep looking for a reason to become hostile. Hatred is a very vague word in this sentence and could be many levels. Xid’s, for example, hates Sith enough that he seriously a hard time not expecting anything doesn’t come with a price.
Skills:
Very Experienced Lightsaber and hand to hand combatant
Physically stronger then most humans due to constant training
Can identify weak spots in opponents while fighting after observing an opponents fighting style
Are these the only skills he has? Any that aren’t combat based and might stem into other areas, making him more than a fighter only?
Force capabilities:
Weak version of Force Push
Weak version of Force Pull
Weak version of the Jedi Mind trick
Simply put the basics and any additional abilities you think he might have. Namely ones that fit his personality and history.
Biography: Tyvan was originally born on the planet Dantooine and was found to be force sensitive at a young age. He was taken to Coruscant by the Jedi after being surrendered to the Jedi order by his parents who believed that he could one day make a difference in the galaxy as a Jedi.
Alright, how young? The ages can range from 2-7 for youths, though he can be found much older. if he was born on Dantooine then it would be a long trip to make and costly to have him taken all the way to Coruscant. There are other places, like temples or academies, that will give the same Jedi result and allow more creative freedom when it comes to your PC’s history. I suggest looking up them up in the wookieepedia.
As he grew older and trained more he was found to be an excellent lightsaber and hand to hand combatant but seemed to lack the ability to use the force as a weapon. Abilities that came naturally to other students such as Force Push were much more difficult for Tyvan to use. As he realized this, he decided to focus his training on physical combat and mastery of the lightsaber. After finally becoming a Jedi Knight, he was dispatched to the planet Balmorra where he saw what the sith were capable of first hand. He developed an obsession with destroying the Sith after seeing the atrocities they had unleashed on the population.
Some examples, even brief, might be ideal to mention. Was he directly involved or knew allies that fell during these incidents, etc.how personal was it to him?
The Jedi learned of this and attempted to bring him back to the Temple. Tyvan reluctantly complied with the order and attempted to return to the Order only to have his ship intercepted by a Sith patrol vessel near Nar Shaddaa and he was taken captive. Although the Imperials captured him, Tyvan didn't make it easy for them.
Another idea to consider is that Tyvan could’ve been taken prisoner during a mission a week or two before the sacking, in which he could’ve been an unwilling guest under the Empire. Then transferred into Darth Nyiss’ project on board the Kaggath.
He left the hanger deck in ruins with a large amount of dead imperial troopers in his wake before he was finally taken down by a Sith Lord who had been traveling aboard the ship. He woke up in the brig and found a small group of Jedi had also been captured and had been tortured before being killed and placed in his cell.
This aspect sounds pure as one of those ‘evil’ things villains do for no reason. Unless the Sith had a reason or was twisted, which doesn’t explain why Tyvan wasn’t killed as well, then this scene wouldn’t really have a purpose other than just merely make Sith to be pure villains which isn’t the rp’s main goal or theme. Even Sish, a vicious, unsavory killing machine has another side to his vicious habits. It could be the torture from the Empire and Sith that caused him to hate them, instead of hating them earlier in the history.
Tyvan lost all control upon seeing this and called upon his rage to knock out of the force field and proceeded to cause massive amounts of damage to the Patrol ship before he managed to make his escape, leaving the ship without life-support or engines. It was after this encounter that he made the decision to ignore the orders to return to the Jedi and instead find out from underworld sources if anyone had heard of Jedi being taken prisoner.
Unless he’s a master, I’m not fully comfortable with him literally using rage alone to blow out a force field, rapidly damage a ship and likely slaughter much of the crew. That’s master level power or more to me. I can understand him building up his hatred, anger, and more while trying to keep to his teachings but there’s no mention of that. At all. Merely the way it sounds, he experiences seeing some twisted and mangled bodies then explodes. If he was a padawan, that would’ve been more reasonable he would have a mental break down because they are still learning to retain their emotions. He’s a knight though.
It took a month or so, but he finally received intelligence that could help him on his quest. He has heard rumors about an Imperial vessel called the Kaggath, a vessel he is now dead-set on finding.
I’m sorry to say this, but this bit won’t work. Namely as the current rescuers don’t even know where the Kaggath is, realize it has the Jedi prisoners or even if houses Nyiss whom they are looking for. They only learned of the missing Jedi 3 days later after the Sacking of Coruscant and the Memory was actually being prepared for other missing Jedi rather than for the Sacking, redirecting its purpose when they learned about it. The Jedi Rescuer’s task is to learn and piece the facts together as they attempt to intercept the Kaggath to save the Jedi when they learn of it.
Also, for the future, I suggest breaking the bio into 1-3 paragraphs, please? Because this is really hard to read when all your sentences are clustered together for my eyes.
Personality and/or Motivation: Utter destruction of the Sith. Tyvan hates the sith and his outspoken opinion on that sometimes gets him in trouble. He is dedicated to the majority of the Jedi teachings but does not believe that there can be redemption for the sith.
I assume he keeps his views verbal only? Namely if he’s the type to get violent, the Council wouldn’t tolerant him, even during war time, becoming a knight because they would view him as a ticking bomb. A too great of risk on the battle field. Also how does he view the Sith, what makes him hate them so much? Merely how he was taught or does it have a more personal reason? How does he react with his fellow Jedi, an immediate kinship and support or does it take time to gain that? Is he a team player or follower?
Player’s long term goals: Kill as many sith as possible. If he dies, he wishes it to be with a pile of sith corpses around him fighting against what he hates..
Due to the rp being more based on the story aspect of the light and dark sides of the force, this section is more connected to the Player than the actual character. This means, bluntly, what type of story do you want to tell with your PC? Keep in mind, since he’s a prisoner, you want to be flexibility and have the chance he he can be lured to the dark side as a possibility. Else he stands a guaranteed chance- if he doesn’t escape- then he will die.
Relations: None.
I suggest talking with a few players that might’ve been on the planets you mentioned. They could’ve briefly met him.
Final Point - Secrets: He doesn't know it, but a relative of his is in training at the Sith Academy on Korriban. Someone he considered long since dead.
This person should be mentioned in the bio or at least include who they are, why they are important and finer details so the other Sith Players can use this against your PC later in the rp. Unless you rather just pm that stuff to the GMs which is also fine. As well as how this might affect your PC.
