PlatinumSkink

Puella Magi: The Wild Hunt

@DarkwolfX37 Well, that was mostly because having her COMPLETELY erased from the world of detection would make Monika's power pretty unfair, I feel. Haha.

The Darkness Descends (Fantasy Conquest RP)

@Romero Can't, need to resolve those battles. That said. @ForKhorne, we need you in the PM battles. Haha.

RPGC #7 -- Loyalty/Resistance Voting AND Discussion

Now, I’m just randomly going to respond to the different reviews I’ve been given. Haha.

Responses

Villageidiotx

Quest's of the Glorious Leader

Ahh, I didn't participate in the Glorious Leader forum game part of the contest, so I feel I lost a lot of what is going on here. When I got to the part where you starting naming stuff from the forum game, and name-dropped MDK, I felt like I wasn't reading a submission so much as just another post in the contest thread. Also, were there supposed to be words in those blocks, or were the blocks just blank spaces used to convey the perspective shift? Because I played around with them and never got anything but block. Either way, I think that, all and all, this was too much of an in-joke and it doesn't manage to compete on it's own merits.

@Vilageidiotx

My apologies for making you feel lost. Indeed, this was written with the intention of being all fun and games, and not to be a winning entry for this contest. The reason the words were hidden was to show that the visible parts was what the propaganda of the Glorious Leader wanted to tell, and the invisible part was what the Resistance wanted to tell, but they wanted to not be discovered by the followers of the Glorious Leader, so they hid it behind invisible text. Hahaha. Thank you, anyways! XD

Dark Wind

Quests of the Glorious Leader

Know this can't be truly considered a poem or anything. More like a quest list, which the title points out! And, well, you lived up to the title. So, that's always good. Anyway, onto more serious things. I think having the hidden text to be highlighted was a pretty cool concept, and ran well with the hiders and code colors for the IC kind of play we had going on in the other thread. However, I don't know how effective it was. Seems like it went over the heads of some people and is one of those things that might be accidentally discovered rather than anything else. Though, I did end up getting it. Was there a better way to make that more effective? Maybe. I don't know how you would have done it, but that's that on that case.

Overall this was fairly simple and ran with the storyline we built in the other thread using the forum members as the characters. As a piece, we don't know too much about these characters but I can say we don't have to know too much because this feels more like a bit of a humorous piece just establishing the ridiculousness of all of the Glorious Leader loyalty and crazy events of the rebels. I can't give it a vote because there's no elements that make it stand as an excellent piece of work or a superior piece of work within the bunch. To be fair, I believe you were just having fun with it and I had fun going along so mission accomplished I'd say. Fun detour, fun little reminder of how great a time this RPGC has been. Maybe there's an even more creative, more amplified ridiculous route you could have gone. That'd be something. But yeah, you made me smile and I enjoyed myself!

@Dark Wind

Of course this can’t qualify for a poem, FOR IT AIN’T ONE. XD

… Indeed, I don’t know how effective the invisible text was, either! Thing is, I didn’t want to just GIVE AWAY that there was text between the lines, either. I wanted it to feel like it was a secret between me and the reader, somehow. That the reader should feel smart finding it, or something. So, yeah, I don’t know either what I should have done. Oh, well. Hahaha. NOW IT BECAME LIKE THIS! XD

Yupp. That’s exactly what I was thinking when I was writing it. And yeah, maybe there is such a route that could have taken, but now this was what I thought of and that’s what I’m going with. Maybe it was a mistake to make things, well, ‘dramatic’ towards the end, but I really wanted to make it escalate somehow. Oh, well. Thanks for the review~

mdk

quests of the glorious leader

@platinumskink
Well that was a lot of fun!

So, to really appreciate this, you certainly had to be ‘in’ on the GLORIOUS ‘roleplay’ I guess. But if you weren’t – and you highlighted – I think it would still be worth talking about because of the great effect of the hidden text. The two sides – and then that one part where they trade places? FLAWLESS EXECUTION. I’m not gonna be picky about the writing because, I mean, dueling propagandas, what do you expect right? But there’s one line where you point out ‘This is happening in modern times’ or something along those lines and, yeah, okay, that’s slightly breaking the fourth wall just a touch. But whatever.

This was fun. On format alone this has to be the cleverest thing anybody’s ever turned in. I dig it, I like it, I APPROVE. Nice job. Also I’M A STAAAAAAAR! Woot. I think in the realm of ‘canon’ for GLORIOUS COUNTRY, this should pretty much be the authoritative ‘what happened’ outcome.

@mdk

And this here, is the review I wrote this entry for, that makes it all worth it. XD

Thanks. Just… just thanks. Yeah, that line was weird, but it was because I wanted the ‘Glorious’ side to try to maintain that they were in a medieval setting because that allowed more heroics when the ‘Resistance’ side was realistic and said as it was and that the events were taking place in a modern age. I’m not sure if that was a good choice, but, eh! What’s done is done! Haha! Alright, that’s about it. Not sure about this being canon, if it is I probably should have gone into more detail about what actually happened, but… thanks for thinking so~ Haha~!

Shorticus

Quests of the Glorious Leader

Okay: first, I'd like to say that I think I see what you're going for. This is a caricature of how silly the praising for the Glorious Leader gets. It's showing blind loyalty and making up wild tales about how he's putting an end to the Resistance, etc. But... Your piece doesn't do so incredibly well.

My first impression as I was reading this was a sort of propaganda-like children's book with each sentence being by itself on a page with a picture to accompany it. None of the lines really go together well, but they stand just fine on their own, and I could imagine flipping this children's book page by page as I went. That's actually an effect I can admire a little.

But it feels like you did two major things wrong:

• First, you ran with the gag for what felt like was too long. Yeah, it's ridiculous the way he's portrayed. It's humorous. However, it slowly began to feel like the horse had been beaten dead a while back.
• The Resistance intermission felt... clunky. I don't know how else to describe it. It felt clunky and like it could've been done better, or maybe would have been better without it. I'll talk more about this at the end.
• The Highlight thing wasn't incredibly effective, and I'll talk about that at the end as well.

Now onto minor issues:

Firstly, you need to watch how you write after you use quotation marks. Here is an example of what you wrote,

<Snipped quote>

What it should have read was this,

<Snipped quote>

Keep that in mind in the future. You don't capitalize after a quotation mark unless you're starting a new sentence. For instance, if you'd said, "Then the Glorious Leader launched his epic attack" instead of "The Glorious Leader replied, launching his epic attack," you'd have been fine. But you're writing one sentence, not two; one train of thought, not two.

Now, let's talk about the Highlight issue. Here's why I found it ineffectual:

I didn't find it.

There you have it. I missed the whole darned point of your story until after I went back to quote a piece to explain quotation marks. If it hadn't been for Copy Pasta, I would never have found the invisible bits, and to me, that means they're ineffectual.

I do think it's clever what you did. I think you had the right idea. However, cleverness only works when you use it in such a way that your audience will get the joke. If your audience can't find half of your work, you may want to reconsider your approach.

You would have had a much better piece if you'd just written this in place of the Resistance's intermission:

<Snipped quote>

Or something of that nature.

I like this piece, but it's not my favorite selection, nor is it my favorite poem. You had a very clever idea, but the way you carried it out just wasn't effective, and your joke (while initially funny) became less funny as time went on. It would've been way more funny in my first read if I had more than HIGHLIGHT written at the end. Actually, it'd be way more effective if the cue to read the hidden stuff came way earlier in general.

I feel kind of rude for lambasting you like I have. The reason why I'm doing this, though? If you'd presented this just a little differently, this probably would've been my favorite poem, or even my favorite piece overall. But if someone can easily miss the highlight of your work, then your work has a problem.

If you want the average person to be able to read your piece and get the joke, you need to make it just a little more clear than you did.

@Shorticus

Alright, and now you. Intentionally last, because it feels like you put more effort into the review than I did in the entry… XD … Say, if you want to put a ton of energy into reviewing something, can’t you review Apocalypse Maiden, an relatively recent piece that I actually take pride in as an author, instead of this joke of mine? XD … Oh, holy crap, that was already four months ago… Hah… Actually, don’t, as proud as I am of the story, I’m reminded there were numerous grammatical issues in it, haha…

Alright, firstly, that’s not poetry. It isn’t even rhyming. I just wrote like that to allow text in-between the lines more fluently. If I wrote paragraph-wise, there’d be sudden holes in the text, which would make it too obvious that I’m hiding something. Haha. … And yes, if you haven’t found the hidden text, I suppose the Resistance interruption thing might not be so effective, haha.

About writing with small letters after quotation marks… I do it intentionally. I find it ridiculous that by some reason I should not start the new sentence outside the quotation marks with a small letter as if it’s its own sentence where the quotation is a word in it. It looks wrong to my eyes. So, yes, I’m aware of it, I intentionally do it “wrong”. My apologies. But, nobody has pointed it out before now. Haha.

About the highlight thing… I didn’t want to give it away. I wanted the viewer to feel that something was odd about these sentences, that it felt like something was missing, and perhaps get the idea that maybe something was hidden and check it out. I was aware the way I sent it in may have been flawed, but… Somehow, it felt like stating in the beginning that the reader should highlight would take away the experience. Yet, I clearly took away from the experience when you didn’t find it. I’ve no idea what I should have done. Oh, well. I did have a thought a while ago after I had already sent my entry in that I could have started the entry with “This is a broadcast of the Glorious Leader. What is presented here is the absolute truth, do not attempt to read between the lines. All hail the Glorious Leader”, but that also would have been like giving it away, somewhat. Oh, well. OH, WELL!

Thanks for liking it. With the theme being what it was, I felt like doing a little ploy like this. I intend to be more serious in the future. That is, assuming the contest is presented in a serious manner. Haha. Thanks for the review~!

The Twelve Labours: General Discussion

RyuHll’s Review of Fool’s Dilemma

@RyuHll Oy, that’s unfaaaaaaaiiiiir. You got me to hope throughout the review and I was like ”Maybe I did it after all!” but then it ends with a fail. If I fail, tell me I do so in the beginning, and start talking positive things AFTERWARDS, as in to comfort me! XD

Yeah, I’m aware that it’s unpolished. Mostly because I never got myself to like the story I was writing, so I couldn’t get myself to be engaged in writing. But somehow, I just had to get it in. But, I wanted it to be a short story, so too much showing would have made the entry needlessly longer. The one and only scene that actually matters in the story is the place in the cell where Roland finally betrays Terran. So, adding too much of anything else… I didn’t want to do that. This guy was going to die, anyway, why take the effort to get to know him? Oh, well.

In any case. I did clear the challenge, so that’s nice, I suppose. Now I’ll just go on with my life, and look at the future. Thanks for the review.

Edit: Oh, your name was RyuHll, not RyuHill, meaning you're not gonna get a notification for this. ... ... My bad. Hah.

Alright, now with that out of the way, I’m going to say that I’ve already made the character whom I hope to write a story for in the Seventh Labour! It worked so spectacularly for Min, so now I have prepared a character I like and a world in which the character belongs, so I will be able to get engaged in writing an entry for this world and this character! Bring it on, in a couple of days!

… Of course, there is a possibility that the labour won’t fit the character/world at all, BUT IT WORKED SO WELL THE LAST TIME SO WHY THE HECK NOT!!?? XD

Edit: Yupp. Now I have documents describing the world, and a character living in said world. All I need is a scenario, and a labour. Bring it on.

Puella Magi: The Wild Hunt

@DarkwolfX37 Heh, I'm glad I could be helpful in some way.

...

Hm...

... Hm, though now that I consider it... What does happen when two wishes clash? Because, Violet here has supreme insight to see through anything, but Monika's wish was pretty straight "Don't let them find me", which prevents her from being found... Would she be able to see through Monika's "illusion"? Which would get priority? Violet's for being more powerful Threads of Fate wise? Monika's due to having a wish that is more focused on it's single goal of not being found? Violet's on the single basis of being a counter? Monika's due to being made later and therefore getting priority over previous wishes? ... Heh.

Puella Magi: The Wild Hunt

@DarkwolfX37

Feedback on Violet Black

I must admit, I do not believe that the Incubator would tell the “fine print” of the contract which she’d take. I am pretty sure that an Incubator would simply pretend that Magical Girls just vanish if they don’t take care of their Soul Gems with suitably vague sentences like “Your life will end”, which isn’t technically a lie. … Though, Violet may be intelligent enough to figure out the truth on her own before even making her wish, and assuming that this might be possible. However, I can’t ever remember a time where an Incubator has ever said “That wish is impossible”. Well, except the one time he went “That wish shouldn’t be possible!” yet it happened anyways. Honestly, I think the “I wish magical girls, after becoming witches, returned to normal humans and didn't die when they were killed as witches” might actually be a BETTER wish than the one Madoka made at the end of the show. ‘Cause, it can’t be a challenge for the Incubators to just make an additional girl into the world, could it? Oh, well. I have absolutely zero idea what an Incubator does if a wish is “beyond the capability of the Magical Girl”, since neither Magica show I’ve read/watched has any examples of that. Hah.

Other than that, that’s a pretty intimidating character you’ve made there. Even if she didn’t learn of the truth before transforming, her wish itself makes it so she instantly learns the truth anyways. Lies and deceit are no use against her, eh? Does that mean she’d instantly locate a hidden Monika? Haha. Poor girl, her one advantage can get instantly cancelled. In any case. You’ll also get to ask people of their weaknesses and planned futures, because you need them as you can see them instantly. Gosh. XD … Still, yeah, it’s your wish and as such it’s your privilege to do so. It’s a nice wish, and one I can definitely envision a character such as yours making. … Gosh, that’s a harsh story. You sure she only has 21% despair after all that? Gosh. Just… just gosh. In any case. I rather like it, although I’m unsure how it will play in the game itself. I wish you good luck. Haha.

Puella Magi: The Wild Hunt

@DarkwolfX37 Alright, alright. I did always intend on giving feedback, I just didn't feel like it at the time. But let me go for it. ... Riiiight after lunch.

Puella Magi: The Wild Hunt

... What, you guys went and researched the town we're in? I was just going to trust anything the GM / CO-GM said about it and ask them if anything was unclear and just call it Danzig constantly with blind faith in the accuracy. More simple that way. When I first read Gdansk, I assumed the people mentioning it were in another town (because there's already so many here) with intention to move to Danzig eventually. And then I forgot it because I never remember things that don't make sense so I assumed Serafina and Kazia were in a completely different town all over again and were like "Yeah, that's fine, they can come over later" and didn't realize anything was strange until I read book's post. Hah.

Puella Magi: The Wild Hunt

@AtomicNut ... Now that's a slogan that may keep Monika as far away from you as possible... XD

Puella Magi: The Wild Hunt

@Ariamis She approved it. Soooooooooo... @Yidhra, you might want to post your character in the character tab! XD