Antlers
Xaltwind
Expendable
princess
CabbageAngel
Tae
Potter
DraconicDespair
A S K E L & L U C I A N
A S K E L & L U C I A N
A S K E L & L U C I A N
Time: Mid-Day, 3rd day of Ignis
Location: Outskirts of Sorian
Attire: Riding gear
Interactions: Askel @Remram
Mentions: Marina @princess, Thrane @Oso, Sylvia @AuthenticTomb
TL;DR:
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Lucian pulled at his horse and called for it to slow down once he was sure he and Askel were outside in a less populated area. The area was calm, a soft warm breeze moving through the trees. He tugged his tawny horse to the side to spin around to meet Askel head-on as he came to stop nearby. He watched his horse dip down to eat some of the grass and chuckled softly.
Lifting his head, Lucian spoke to his brother, ”I see your horsemanship has gotten even better. Not that you were ever bad at it.”
"When you spend most of your day with your bum on the saddle of a horse you'd improve too." Askel said with a playful smirk as his horse came to a slow stop soon after Lucian. He took a deep breath and took in the scenery; his eyes filled with fondness for the scenery, something that felt so familiar to him and comforting and yet, there was tension, an awkwardness that was hard to put into words.
Askel's focus returned to his brother. "It's been a while, hasn't it? He said with his ever-warm smile though Lucian could tell that there was guilt behind it. "Us spending time together I mean. You and Sophia used to visit me so often after Ambrose wore me down to the marrow. You'd pick me up like a sack of potatoes because I was so bloody useless afterwards though I think these days I could pick you up pretty easily."
Askel’s comment reminded Lucian of the weeks he wasted after Sophia died and his faint smile faded into a mask of guilt. He forced a small smile and a nod in Askel’s direction.
“It has been far too long.” He returned softly, a somewhat pained expression on his face that only grew as Askel continued. The memories themselves were warm, gentle, and filled with love, but all they brought him now was pain. The type of pain that cuts like cold steel, sapping energy. He looked Askel over, his last comment causing the older male to inspect his younger brother, which was a welcome distraction. Askel had certainly grown more muscular and lean. Where he had once been thin and bony, he had filled out with muscle, and the calluses on his hands showed his efforts with the sword.
After a moment, he finally spoke again. ”You’ve become a good man, Askel.” There was a hint of sadness in his voice, though if asked, Lucian wouldn’t really know what to attribute it to. Guilt over not having protected Askel more or being there for him? Lingering feelings from Sophia being mentioned? It all felt muddied together in his mind. ”A fine man.” He offered again, trying to sound a bit less… depressed.
”Pick me up though, and I might punch you.” He added with a slight smirk, trying to lighten the mood.
An amused grin spread along Askel's face at the supposed threat from his older brother. "Many have tried and many have been laid out by my hand." That grin softened into something sheepish though appreciative. "But thanks, it does mean a lot coming from you. It really does." He looked at Lucian, the man that he in some ways chased after from behind. Askell knew that Lucian would become not just a good king, but a fantastic king and he wanted to stand by his side as his knight though all he could see was the man he admired, barely holding himself together.
Askel had to be a rock, a foundation for him. It was the least that he could do for the man in front of him and for everyone, for the people still alive for he could do nothing for the dead. His violet blue eyes searched over his brother, knowing that the ghost of Sophia haunted him and it filled Askel's heart with a pain that was all too familiar to him. The pain of watching someone lose someone, the pain of losing someone important to himself, and the pain of absolute helplessness though he hid it behind a smile.
"You know, it's funny. I find myself feeling out of place these days among the luxuries we had growing up. I sometimes forget that I am a prince of a nation, not just a knight. It's been an adjustment I have to say." Askel admitted to his older brother. "I mean, you should have seen the place that Sylvie picked out for dinner the other night! There was a pool in the middle of the restaurant! Who in the world thought that was a great idea?" He laughed though it was plain to see that there was some insecurity behind his eyes.
His smile was nervous as his eyes cast downward. "I guess I can't help, but to worry, you know? I'm a representative of Varian, not just as a knight, but as a prince, your brother. What if I mess up? What if I embarrass you?"
Lucian chuckled at the retort, knowing full well his brother would never, at least not outside of sparring with one another. Though he had no doubt his brother could lay him out flat if he really wanted to.
There was a soft silence that fell between them for a moment. It wasn’t long, but Lucian could see the younger boy looking him over. He couldn’t quite understand everything going on in that head of his, but he had to imagine he was worried. Lucian would be too, were the roles reversed.
Lucian let out a soft chuckle at Askel’s admittance. ”A pool… That does seem a little over the top.” He remarked, shaking his head at the thought of it. He’d have to see if he could get one of the girls to take him there too. He’d have to see it for himself to believe it.
He straightened a bit on his horse as Askel continued, his voice a little more nervous and anxious. He couldn’t remember the last time he had seen or heard Askel being this vulnerable with him. He let a gentle smile spread across his face, and he guided his horse closer to his brother.
”Give me your hand, Askel.” He told him, it was gentle but a command nonetheless. When he did, Lucian turned it over in his own hands. ”Did you know that I was jealous of you?” He started, looking up at him.
”These are hands that have seen more and done more for our kingdom that I think I have in my entire life. These are hands that have seen hard work and seen our people’s plights.” He turned his gaze up to look Askel directly in the eyes. ”I know the pressure of being a prince is a heavy one, believe me.” He paused, his eyes getting that heavy, sad look on them again, ”I believe in these hands and the mind that guides them. You are a Camilia. You will not be able to please everyone, that is a fact of life. You will make mistakes and you will learn from them. But please, know that, as your brother, I will always be here for you.” He squeezed Askel’s hand before letting him go.
Lucian's words touched Askel and yet his heart ached.
"But I failed you, didn't I? As your knight and as your brother. I do not deserve such kindness from you." Askel said, his eyes casted downward with a gnawing sense of guilt. "When I ventured out into the world, I did it so I could understand it for you, my future king. The crown is already so heavy, it's a burden that I cannot dare to imagine. The things that I have seen, things I would not wish to utter, I would not wish for you to bear it on your shoulders as well. I wished to guide you, to counsel you as your knight and as your brother."
The knight glanced down at his hands and gripped them tightly; his brow furrowed with frustration. "You speak of these hands, but they were too far away to protect those that I hold so dear. I know all too well that I can't save everyone, but I could have saved her! I should have been there! In my conceit I failed you, I failed Ambrose, I failed Sophia, and I failed your child! I failed everyone!"
Askel looked up though he couldn't look his dear older brother in the eye, tears welling in the corner of his eyes. Brusquely, he wiped them away. "Forgive me, that was rather unbecoming of me. I do not want to add to your list of troubles. You already have enough of them."
Lucian listened quietly while his brother spoke. He thought to comfort him, let him know that it wasn’t his fault, but then he would have to admit that there was nothing he could have done either and there was no part of him that would ever admit that. Still, he had to find some words that he hoped could offer him peace, even if marginally.
”Askel…” He started, letting out a soft sigh. ”We all failed her. It is our burden to bear as a family. That burden is not yours alone to shoulder.” He offered, his voice strained as he choked back his own anguish. ”Failure teaches. Like hardened steel, we become strong because of the mistakes we have made, we learn from them.” He continued. He straightened his back, swallowing to try to steel himself against his own emotions. He wanted desperately to protect his brother from all of this. No part of him ever wished to share his pain with his siblings. This was his burden, his shame.
Regret washed over him like a cold breeze. ”No, I’m sorry. You… had nothing to do with it. Should have and could haves would not have changed anything.” He sighed, shoulders hunching over, ”You should be proud, and I truly mean that, of the path you have chosen, for it is a noble one. Sophia would be proud of you, my brother.”
"Knowing that she would've been proud of me is what gets me through the day. I guess..." Askel sighed heavily, frustration evident in his voice and yet he looked tired. The vibrant light behind his violent eyes had lost their luster. "I'm sorry, I should have never brought her up. If Ambrose was here, he'd lecture me for letting my emotions get in the way of my judgement. We're just going to talk in a downward spiral, and I know that Sophia would be scolding us for ruminating on what ifs and coulds and shoulds. She'd want us to be spending time as brothers."
He smiled at Lucian though melancholy painted its undertone. "I suppose it's redundant to ask at this point, but how are you? I mean really, how are you actually doing?"
Lucian knew all too well what emotions might be going through Askel right now and it warmed his heart to know how much he cared. He couldn't help the stab of pain in his chest at hearing Sophia's name and how upset she would be at them. It brought back memories of that dream and caused him to straighten his back again.
”I'm as good as I can be. I'm…” He paused, as if trying to bring himself to admit it, ”trying really hard to keep going for the exact reason you mentioned.”
”I keep having dreams where she's crying, looking at me with those eyes… She's sad that I'm acting like this, that I'm not happy without her.” He admitted. He hadn't told anyone about that, not even Marnie, and putting it to words was cathartic, in its own way. ”So, I'm trying. Day by day. Trying to figure out how to keep going. Trying to do right by those that are still here.”
At that, he turned his head back up to look at Askel, feeling a little exposed in front of him like this. ”What about you, Askel? How are you holding up?”
Askel chuckled dryly and said, "You know me, always trudging forward." A silence fell before him for a moment before he broke it. "Honestly? I'm struggling. I wasn't kidding when I said I was having trouble with adjusting back to the role of a prince. It's..." Askel paused again, his face twisting as if he was struggling to find the words.
"I never talked about in the letters I sent back to you all. It was always the good things, the fun parts of adventuring Varian and the rest of the world. I mean, could you blame me? Would any of you rest peacefully if I told you everything?" He laughed though there was no humor behind it. "Have you seen suffering? I mean true suffering. I have, Lucian, and it's not something you get to just walk away from; you carry that weight with you every day."
A scowl painted his face, something unusual for someone that was always so good natured. One could hardly imagine a time when Askel ever wore such an expression. "So, do you know how hard it is to sit in a restaurant with a bloody pool in the middle of it surrounded by people who not only could not care less about the situation of those they feel beneath them, but may think they deserve it? To put it plainly, I'm angry."
He was about to resign himself to not having Askel open up to him truly when Askel turned the tables and started to explain what he was really feeling. He listened intently, his body pushed forward in a silent show of his intent. He kept his gaze steady, watching Askel’s face, reading his expressions, his body language. He knew, just watching him, that he was getting truth from him.
”It’s hard to put to words what true suffering is, I think. For me, those images replay every day in my head like a neverending nightmare. So, I want to say that I know, I know what true suffering is. But for all my damned study, I still don’t know half the things that our people struggle with.” He returned. He kept his hands at the horn, anxiously fiddling with it.
”What restaurant? What?” He asked, concern on his face. Context was everything.
Askel exhaled an exasperated sigh. "It's not this specific restaurant, Lucian. It's the general attitudes, the lack of care of nobles and of the upper class. It doesn't matter where; you just know that most of them don't have a single thought for those whose station is below them. They are indifferent and believe me, indifference is one of the most insidious kinds of evils. It's what allows children to starve and for slavers to rip people off the streets."
He looked at Lucian with a sad smile as if he was pleading for him to understand. "I know there are good people, brother, I do. I hold out hope every day for people to be better because I've met such people in the unlikeliest of places, but I have also seen the worst and I could not help, but to recognize it when I see it."
His grip on his reins tightened and he chuckled dryly. "I know how it sounds. I don't mean to say this out of some sense of self-righteous indignation. It's just... you try to enjoy dinner with your sibling and friend, but then there's this pit in your stomach that won't leave you be. I'm doing my best to readjust, but it's hard and the last thing I want to do is weigh down anyone with my whining." He smiled at Lucian though it was just a mask. "I mean, I am lucky, right? I have two loving parents, amazing siblings, dear friends, and left wanting for nothing. I don't have the right to whine."
”You’re proving more and more of my point, brother.” He offered with a small chuckle. ”These are the words of a man who has seen what true suffering can be and has seen exactly what our people deal with. It’s no surprise to me that their pain and suffering angers you, you’re a Camilia.”
”I don’t think your whining is misplaced, Askel. And besides that, I don’t think it’s whining.” He spoke matter-of-factly, his head shaking side to side. ”You want to stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves, but you feel pressured by your status and the whims and rules of the upper class. Your title feels like a shackle you can’t shirk, but it’s the one thing stopping you from protecting those who can’t protect themselves. Am I getting that right, or am I totally off base there?”
"You're not entirely right, but you're not entirely wrong either. To be honest, it's hard to describe. Just indulge me for a moment and bear with me" Askel climbed off his horse and landed with a gentle thump feet first. He looked at his horse and gently stroked its head.
"It's like I've lived a life so completely differently from everyone for so many years and now I'm back, wearing fine clothes that don't belong to me even when I know they do. He looked back at his brother and smiled at him reassuringly. "Don't get me wrong, I am happy to be back. I missed every single one of you terribly and I am ready to serve Varian as its knight properly. It's just..." The knight trailed off in thought as he searched for the right words.
"You get used to it." He finally said. "Living with the commonfolk, the downtrodden, and the sinners. There were times I wished you were there for you to see it, to see your people for who they are. To see those beyond our borders. All their faults and foibles, but the humanity and joy they found even in their everyday struggle. Their compassion to give when they have so little themselves. I've found myself saved by their kindness many times." There was a fondness in his tone when he spoke of the people he met on his journey. It was gentle and warm, as if he was reminiscing on long lost friends.
"While I am a prince I broke bread with them, shared in their woes, and shared in their small victories. They taught me a great deal that I could never learn in a book or in a palace. They are all a piece of me, and they too embraced me, Varian or not. No matter what, I vowed to leave each place better than I found it. I lifted my blade for them, titles be damned." He laughed softly, knowing such a declaration would have been frowned upon by certain members of society.
"I suppose that's why it's so hard. I feel like I sit between two worlds." Askel said while he walked over to Lucian, offering him his hand to help him off his horse.
Lucian took the hand, hopping down from his mount. He took the reins down and gave his horse a few pats before turning to face his brother again.
”I know I’m supposed to be trying to find the right words to comfort you and say things that will make it all better, but all I can think about is how proud I am of you.” He told him. ”I don’t think I’m going to be able to offer words that can lift all your doubts and worries, that’s something you’ll have to find on your own. But I hope you can find peace in knowing that your experiences and passion have value. Being able to see with that perspective will serve you, and I think our country well.”
He paused for a moment, a thought dawning on him. ”And I just realized how that sounded.” He sighed, lifting his hand to rub the bridge of his nose. ”Here you are battling with your own self-image and I’m only looking at it as an item for the country’s benefit.”
”I can’t even imagine what it must feel like for you.” He pulled his hand back down to look his brother in his eyes. ”Before you are anything else, you are my brother. Noble, Knight, Peasant, hell you could be a horse and I’d still love you, no offense Bastion.” He added, patting his horse on his neck.
Askel remained silent for a moment before a smirk cracked along his face. "...At the very least, I can take some comfort in knowing that you're already thinking like a king in how to use me already. Real proud of you brother! All heil King Lucian Camilia!" He punched Lucian's side playfully and burst out in the first bit of genuine laughter since he arrived back home. His arms hugged his stomach while his side's felt like stitches ready to burst and his already rosy, red cheeks became even rosier.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I know you were trying to be the wise, loving older brother, but by the Gods I could not let it pass!" His breathing finally slowed down, and he let out a loud 'phew'. "Oh god, I haven't laughed like that in ages." He wiped a tear from his eye.
"I wouldn't worry Lucian, about that dream of yours. You'll be happy again, but it will take time. It'll never be the same as before and that pain will never truly be gone, but you will be happy one day." Askel laid his hand on Lucian's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. "But you have the right to take it at your own pace. For now, just enjoy the trip and let's make some new experiences before we're old and bound with responsibility."
He rolled his eyes at Askel’s teasing. It did help to ease his anxieties, but he’d forgotten just how annoying a little brother could be, too. He chuckled fondly, shaking his head at him as Askel nearly bent over in laughter. ”Yeah, yeah. Get it all out, brother.” He chuckled.
His smile dimmed only ever so slightly as Askel brought up his dream again. He took in a long breath. He hoped that was true. But even if he couldn’t be happy, he’d make damn sure the people he loved were safe.
”Speak for yourself, I’m already bound and my bones ache!” He returned playfully. ”But yes. Let’s go live life while we still can.” He added, lifting a hand to his brother’s shoulder.
”Ready to head back? I think our horses are getting a little antsy.” He asked, nosing over to Askel’s horse, who was now trying to nibble at Askel’s collar.
Askel glanced over to his horse and gently nudged it away from his collar. "I think so. Oh, uh, let's keep our conversation between us. The last thing I need is Marnie hyper focusing on me too. It's hard enough with Sylvia on my back with my love life, I don't need mother hen on me too."
Lucian smiled, holding his hand out to Askel. ”Brother’s honor, I won’t say a word. The same goes to you anyway. I haven’t told anyone about those dreams…”
Askel reached out and grabbed his brother's hand firmly. "What dreams? As far as I know, all we talked about were my problems." He let go and got himself seated on his horse once more. "Shall we?"
He chuckled, nodding. ”Yes, before we have to explain to Marnie why we didn’t ask her to come with us.” He stepped back up onto his horse and rode back towards town with his brother, feeling a little bit more at peace with himself, for however much that was worth.
