@ExitI wasn't going to critique your work on the grounds of submitting an incomplete entry that isn't participating. It seems unfair for both parties involved.
No, I'm glad you did. Besides, nothing you critiqued was related to plot, theme, story mechanics which I hadn't been able to finish. (Though you still could have.)
However, going through what you submitted, I'm reminded of a previous issue I wanted to bring up to you in regards another piece you wrote. Given the number of contests that have taken place between then and now, it seems a good point to discuss as it is still relevant.
I feel as though you season your writing with commas like salt, sprinkling them in and letting them fall where they may. It makes for a confusing read and frankly, smothers my 'vision' of the scene you're trying to paint.
I had difficulty understanding exactly what was unfolding.
Now, after giving my work another glance. I don't doubt that there's a few instances where I have commas where I don't need them. Though the idea that it mirrors my previous work is a challenging thought, because I purposely extended many of my sentences so that they would have as much words crammed in their as possible without punctuation. Like I'm staring at my writing, and the amount of commas I have in it that if aren't included make the progression of the scene confusing is not that many? Especially, compared to my last entry.
In which instances would be these actively grammatically incorrect? Or is that not the problem?
(I wish examples were provided on which paragraphs were difficult to parse/understand and why.)
Your writing... refuses to let me use my lungs. Commas and periods and hyphens elicit breaks or a chance for a reader to pause and breath and consider what is being read. Breathe too much and you hyperventilate and get a little dizzy and need to take a break... from breathing. Hold your breath to long and you'll pass out. You have to manage it, especially when reading.
There is no regulation to be found here and it leaves me... exhausted. Breathless as if I've just run a mile.
Okay, I'm going to assume between the flavor text. The advice/point is that you want me to read out the writing and keep the punctuation in mind. Right? But you mention the hyphens, and there's not a single instance where that is used that I wouldn't have used it and didn't use it for its intended effect. You are in the characters head, both who are in a panic. Honestly, I know how all that purple prose was suppose to come off, and the bit of information I could actually use to improve. But I wrote something to feel oppressive (from the prompts explanation that this wouldn't be easy for the characters. So I'm surprised how few people wrote suffering/challenged characters. Some literally pushing over their opposition with little effort. Which came across as the antithesis of the prompts purpose.) and the characters to be panicked and paranoid...kind of sounds like I did my job well.
"Crossing the dump and reaching an enormous obsidian wall, a large gate with four levers, which required grabbing the handles, two pairs in a horizontal line beside each other on opposite sides of the door. Opening it by pushing them forward at the same time. His analysis was proven correct, as Rytok grabbed both handles on the west side."
Or:
"Crossing the dump and reaching an enormous obsidian wall, Ohwo came upon a large gate with four levers; two pairs in a horizontal line beside each other on opposite sides of the door. Figuring he could open the gate by pushing them forward at the same time, his analysis was proven correct when Rytok grabbed both handles on the west side."
Added a few extra words, removed a comma and replaced another with a semicolon. Also removed an entire fragment with instruction on how to work a lever. It's not perfect and there are other changes that could be made to further improve the few lines, but it reads easier.
I have no problems with your correction. Though I feel this is a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation for me. Last time I used semicolons, every single person was telling me how I didn't ever need to use them. I could have replaced it with commas instead. So, I actually agree that a semicolon would work better here. But if I had done that, I feel like someone who have pointed that out as a bad thing.
In the way you describe the hyphens, leaving you so exhausted that it leaves you dizzy and dead. I feel like a personality/writing style clash is taking place, more than a critique of what does/doesn't strictly work.
In the same way, you expressed that things pause too often. When another reader pointed out my sentences are too long. Which, if I'm not mistaken, contradict and make it harder to really grasp it, if nothing is provided for me to understand. Not saying different people can't feel differently, but neither provided real sentences behind the words. So taking mental notes are the closest I can get to implementing the advice.
Your sliding in and out of tenses at will further disrupts what otherwise looks like a promising premise.
Again, I wish examples were provided. Though I'm sure that and the other things mentioned could use some form of improvement. The kind of thing I'm sure wouldn't have been as big an issue if I had time to polish it.
You have a wide range of vocabulary and the descriptive language needed to paint a beautiful picture. Interesting worlds to borrow from and the ability to laden work with emotion without shoving it in the reader's face. Work on sentence structure and you're golden.
Well clearly attempts to change my sentence structure doesn't always have any noticeable impact to how people view the story. But I greatly appreciate spending your time to review it. Thank you. :)
1x Laugh
