Dervish — Roleplayer Guild

IT'S REVIEW TIME! HANG ONTO YOUR BUUUUUUUTTS!

Worth reminding none of this is final verdict; this part-way review for early sheets is so people have a chance to go over and address concerns without being shafted at the end. Without further delay, here you go!

1.@DJAtomika

Hazan Volantis - Turian - Infiltrator. Returning player and character. Link to character sheet: roleplayerguild.com/posts/4565815

[Dervish Notes] -Hazan’s military experience is kind of glossed over. I understand that it’s probably an uneventful time, but keep in mind that turian service periods are between the 15th birthday to 30, where they can leave public service if they so choose. We also don’t really know why he left the service; did he just want to change careers, did he feel it wasn’t giving him enough opportunities, did he disagree with how it operated? It also sounds like all he did for all those years was train. Did he do no meaningful tours, peacekeeping operation, fighting pirates, slavers, mercenaries, insurgencies?

-Likewise, his time is C-Sec is hugely glossed over. While you indicate why he left C-Sec, we don’t really know why his superiors would be promoting him and subsequently burying him in excessive paperwork to force his resignation. It’s an interesting story that we don’t really know why it happens, just that he was good at his job and quit because of a mountain of paperwork. Maybe explain his relationship with the department and give some ideas of what could have happened to force this cultural shift at work?

-You might want to mention in his military section that he was an experienced marksman and/ or had scout training, it makes his transition to hired sniper/ hitman a lot cleaner.

-”But for once he was free” Nothing was mentioned about him feeling stifled or oppressed in the Hierarchy or working for C-Sec prior to this, and wouldn’t taking jobs for potentially dangerous clients back him into something of a corner, especially as far as blackmail is concerned? This is also emphasized that he ended up being a huge target by other bounty hunters and mercenaries when a contract was put on him. Right now, it just comes across that he was annoyed working at a bad workplace and rather than finding another legal career or moving to one of of the colonies, he just scorch earthed his life to go into a very dangerous illegal profession at the drop of a hat. It’s not implausible, but you’re definitely going to want to flesh out the first two stages of his life there to make said transition a lot more believable and organic.

-While his post-Jury Riggers years well well written, I do have a question; Why wouldn’t he join his family’s security business after leaving C-Sec? He went through years of a very roundabout way of doing what seems like the most logical step for him to take after leaving.

-Other than that, everything’s a pretty solid foundation and the equipment and power sections all look fine. Most of what needs to be addressed is the early years; a lot of it was really skimmed over before eventually getting fleshed out part way through. Even it out a bit, explain a few things (in particular, what drove him from leaving the military and C-Sec to becoming a freelancer). 

[Mortarion Notes] Not much for me to add in here, basically I think the same as Tricks and Dervs in regards to Hazan’s sheet. That is to say a bit of expanding on some key points of Hazan’s life but, otherwise, I like what you’ve done with his sheet, especially on the life he led after the Jury Riggers and how that led to Andromeda. 

[DearTrickster Notes] The only other notes I would personally have to offer here, is some introduction to some vital characters in Hazan’s life, like Nemis and Valla. The first we hear about them is when Valla betrayed Hazan and Nemis died. It’s a little jarring to have two important people in Hazan’s life introduced later on in the history here. I would like to see some earlier pretext to these two people and what their relationships were like when Hazan was on Omega originally. Otherwise, I like how you’ve fleshed out Hazan’s life after his time with the Jury Riggers, just needs some expansion on the earlier points Dervs already made. 

~~~

2. @Lauder

Frederick Bullock - Human, Sentinel roleplayerguild.com/posts/4567938

[Dervish Notes]
-I do like that Frederick came from poverty and was forced to improvise to help his family, but I feel the wording here sets off some weird implications. “Being able to fix anything,” at 12 years old seems really suspect; this is a kid that had no formal training or education on this kind of stuff, keep in mind. I have a feeling you meant that he figured out how to take apart scrap and junk and learned how to make it functional again, which isn’t entirely unheard of, and I’m sure he could have found a few documents on the Extranet. It would be kind of like how the quarians take stuff that’s considered junk and makes it work again. Just make sure to explain how he figured out how to do what he does and maybe specify what kinds of things he was fixing and selling, because as stands it could mean anything from a digital clock to a battle cruiser.
-Also, where did he get his tools and replacement supplies?
-I think you’re the first person I’ve seen to have a character with a history in BAaT. That’s neat! 
-How did he get the credits to travel after the program ended?
-masseffect.wikia.com/wiki/Skarr < Same character, or just coincidental name use? This is the second time I’ve seen a player use Raik Skarr as a krogan name. Poohead’s character from that game > roleplayerguild.com/topics/159595-mas… Confirmed with Poohead it’s a cameo appearance.
-It’s kind of a bit of a jump for someone who’s hired on as a technician without formal military or security training to suddenly get lumped in with APEX. Although he had some experience as a mercenary, it’s pretty clear he never had any formal training in combat situations and he wouldn’t be a likely candidate to be picked to be a part of a militarized strike force, let alone on the security team, with his official credentials. 
-Something absolutely worth mentioning is that the Nexus hit the Scourge almost immediately and was in an emergency situation before the first colonists even got out of hibernation. 

[DearTrickster Notes] Similar notes to what I had for DJ, I think Frederick has some solid foundation in his history and background. All the components are there. We really don’t get much of an idea what is driving Frederick to Andromeda or how he’s felt from one event in his life to the next, is it a need for exploration? Curiosity? What got him a bid for Andromeda, if his talents as a technician were alright? What did he do that had officials in the Alliance think of him as a interested candidate to send into the new galaxy? If it wasn’t catching eyes of military officials, was it just him submitting himself as a candidate? There just seems to be a bit of disconnect between his history and personality section, the only real point of reference from history to his personality is his mistrust of turians from his time at BAaT. One other question I had, mostly out of curiosity what kind of implants do you think Frederick may have been outfitted with? We know Kaiden Alenko had been apart of the L2’s but implants following those ones had been improved and safely used like the L5’s. Otherwise, I think he’s pretty solid. From poverty, to being self taught and making his way on his own merit for the majority of his life. 

[Mortarion Notes] I echo most of the critiques made by both Tricks and Dervs beforehand, it is a nice element of his backstory that he managed to pull himself from absolute poverty but on the same hand -at least how I see it- that same element makes it rather difficult to believe that he’d be “able to fix anything” as you put it, especially when at a young age like 12 years old. 

Another thing worth noting, and also mentioned by Tricks, is how did Frederick acquire the tools to keep his trade afloat, did he barter for them while on Luna, or did he obtain them through some other means? It’s a small issue, but I think some clarification wouldn’t hurt. On the issue of clarification, I think the Conatix stuff needs a tiny, tiny, bit of extra work. You mention that Frederick’s parents didn’t knew, and that Frederick himself also didn’t knew, so how come that Conatix did? I know that the company handled its share of shady deals and actions, but I doubt they’d be able to track every mother who was exposed to eezo while being pregnant. Was Frederick one of the few rare cases where additional exposure to eezo during adulthood led to the development of biotic abilities? 

Another tidbit is why did he become a mercenary? I can understand Frederick becoming friends with Skarr, even helping him fend off his enemies,  but I’m having a bit of trouble how that leads to the jump of being a mercenary, especially after BAat, wouldn’t he have a bad impression of them on account of the turian mercenaries hired to help there? Finally there’s the twofold issue of him going back to the Alliance and then off to the Initiative. You mentioned that after BAat he didn’t want to serve there on account of their hiring of the Turian mercenaries that had abused him during his time in the short-lived program so what changed? Same happens with his joining the Andromeda Initiative, why did he decided to join and why was he recommended? There just seems to be a bit of a disconnect that needs some more work for it to properly click in place in my opinion. 
~~~

3.@Fallenreaper

Ryria T’Vessi - Asari, Adept roleplayerguild.com/posts/4568367

[Dervish Notes]

-Seth Dray; leftover human name that needs to change, or is this in more recent years? As Tricks mentioned, it’s tricky to get an idea of how much time has passed or what point in her life she’s at. 

-Small nit-pick, but 60 years seems like a long time for a work contract, even for an asari. Maybe she just kept renewing her contract until her last one expired without signing another one? 

-A major thing that’ll have to be addressed is why she was picked to serve as APEX since she doesn’t have a background in military or policing operations. You’ll have to also figure out a way for her to want to transition from being a doctor to something more akin to a field medic. Maybe her time with Texon had a fairly robust peacekeeping division that was run by military veterans? 

-Personality section is great! I know you mentioned she isn’t great with teamwork, but would she be okay at following orders? That part’s kind of important considering her role in APEX. I know you have her being an introvert as a key part of her history and personality, but I highly recommend you do have parts of said personality be conducive for working in a militia outfit, namely following orders and not being difficult to work with even if she is largely a loner. 

-I think you’ve fretted about a whole lotta nothing; most of what needs to be looked at is just fleshing out a few things and making the timeframes in her bio a bit more clear for the most part, it looks great! 

[Mortarion Notes] Overall I’d say that both Tricks and Dervs have covered the major points of your CS, nonetheless let me say that I still love how you expanded on small things like how she has different types of clothings befitting her situations, ranging from medical situations to more casual ones. In the same vein I also love how much effort you put into the personality section of her sheet, detailing how she’d appear to outsiders and how she appears to those those that get past the shell she has surrounded herself with, not to mention adding details like her flaws and fears alongside her hobbies. 

The only things that need addressing are more of the type that you need to expand a few details and a few revisions from leftover versions of the sheet, which are easily fixed with a small edit or two. Otherwise, I’d say that Ryria’s sheet is golden to go. 

[DearTrickster Notes] Hey Fallen good job on clearing up the human angle to the sheet, on a second read through it seems you’ve replaced species where you could but Maeve being a turian biotic is a rather rare occurrence. The Hierarchy make short order out of their biotics, keeping the majority of them out of sight and out of mind. Otherwise I like the idea of a plump turian, someone who is characteristically soft in spite of their spiny exterior. What I would suggest is either removing her biotic capabilities, or changing her species again. 

I also saw another leftover from the recent edits, noting a French Cook. Just another bit of the human angle you haven’t trimmed yet.

So far though, a lot of points in her life make sense the events leading from one to the other, how she felt and you get a sense of her. I like that she had a pretty rustic childhood on Trategos. I would like to see some clearer time stamps, we know she spent 60+ years with The Texon Project and ten years prior to their departure to Niacal, did she spend the majority of her orphaned childhood on Illium?  How long did she spend between leaving the asari’s government housing on Illium to working at Chora’s Den on the Citadel? Did she have any prior interest in these sort of surveying wilds of different planets before? Did she get a degree in medicine before going with the texan project, or was that earned in the ten years of preparation for the project?

What was the goal of The Texon Project? Was it to survey different environments, was it a data gathering mission? Testing experimental technology that eventually would aid in surveying new worlds? Surveying worlds for viability for new colonies? Would like to know a bit more about this project, it sounds interesting and would totally be a plausible scientific research project. Just what are its goals? 

I like how you detailed her personality section giving some more flavour to her, fleshing out what you had established in her history. It sounds like she’ll be right at home on Voeld in Andromeda. Powers check out, as they’re all from Andromeda gameplay along with her weaponry.

~~~

4. @Stormflyx

Naryxa Kesir - Asari, Adept roleplayerguild.com/posts/4569086

[Dervish Notes]

-Mirroring what Tricks said about Naryxa’s father, I adore how he left the dossier for her to explore and appreciate the galaxy and the two of them had a really close bond. The whole thing is just really sweet and sets things off on this nice hopeful vibes I really love.

-Another detail I really like is how she views the loss of loved ones, she’s really just at peace with death and celebrates life. It’s something I find really believable and admirable about asari, and I think you captured that essence really well in this character. 

-One thing I don’t think will work out is Alec Ryder being someone she contacted to be a part of the Initiative. We’re trying to keep people from veering too close to  canon characters, and Alec and the Pathfinder team are kind of one of those things we’re trying to keep deliberately in GM hands because of concerns about keeping the narrative on a controlled course, and being a game about a lot of decisions, everyone’s always going to have different versions of the Ryders and other characters in their minds. We’d just have Naryxa be an -admirer- and perhaps be influenced by him as a reason for wanting to enlist, but it’s also not really his call if someone gets in or not; most everyone goes through the standard enlistment channels unless specifically requested by one of the leaders. 

-Overall, looks great!

[Mortarion Notes] I echo what both Tricks and Dervs said about the relationship between Naryxa and her father, and how he left a full dossier for her with which to build more memories that the short lifespan of a Salarian would have allowed him to do. 

In the same vein I love how you described at length her life and the different occupations that she went through, I feel it captures very well that idea of how the Asari go through different stages in their long lived lives. Moving on from that I do echo what Dervs said about the bit about her contacting Alec Ryder.

While he knew, and was a confidant, of Jien Garson, in the end he wouldn't have much say in who gets elected, except for the human pathfinder team that is, and who doesn't. It'd be better if you said she was inspired by him and that was what propelled Naryxa to sign up with the Initiative. 

[DearTrickster Notes] Did not note this earlier but I love me some detailed appearance sections, all four of the submissions so far have been pretty good - distinct. Helps to easily picture any of them without the aid of images. So good job!

I love how sweet Naryxa’s father is, creating a codex of videos and plant life for her to discover and find on her own. Fuelling that early appetite for exploration. That just hng, twists the heart. I like that you highlighted how it feels to be a long living person comparatively to the other species in Mass Effect, you see people come and go and you move on when you feel like it. Not really attaching herself to any one thing for long highlights her restlessness as well. Consistently yearning for something new. Not totally without forging friendships and relationships that last for decades. 

The majority of her life is concise, detailed and you get a feel for her as a character. Of course someone who lived the majority of their life returning to the Citadel would be affected by Sovereign’s shenanigans on the station. I imagine she was away from the center of chaos on the Presidium. The loss of friends and total chaos how did this affect her? Was she stricken with grief? Was she angry? Anxious for her safety? We had some details of how the life or death escape of the batarian slavers gave her some PTSD. When she joined this mercenary band to help support the Alliance on routing the Geth off of Eden Prime, were they simply hired for more guns and manpower or anything specific? 

I find it interesting she went straight to Alec Ryder for joining the Andromeda Initiative. They had normal recruitment, submission and candidate channels for anyone interested to go through. Did she specifically want to be apart of the Pathfinder’s team? Why not the Asari Pathfinder’s team, with a well known Matriarch?

 I like that her reason for being pulled from Cryo was for a leadership candidate and offering guidance in both science and combat. Keep in mind, Prodromos is a military outpost, so it’s much more likely she was awoken for her history as a huntress and asari commando. But I see no problem with her reason, it doesn’t need to be changed. Her powers check out as well.

~~~~~

5.  @Sofaking Fancy

Clyfford Ward - Human, Soldier roleplayerguild.com/posts/4569903

[Dervish’s Notes]
-In appearance, you mention standard Alliance outfit; that’s a no go, he’s in the Initiative brudder. The Alliance isn’t a thing in Andromeda, so his uniform would match.
-Ranks aren’t an exact 1:1 replica of common military ranks, so the E-system the US uses doesn’t apply here. We have;

ENLISTED
Serviceman 3rd Class / Private 2nd Class
Serviceman 2nd Class / Private 1st Class
Serviceman 1st Class / Corporal
NCOs
Service Chief
Gunnery Chief
Operations Chief
OFFICERS
2nd Lieutenant
1st Lieutenant
Staff Lieutenant
Lieutenant Commander
Staff Commander
Captain / Major
Rear Admiral / General
Admiral
Fleet Admiral
From that, a Sergeant would probably be equivalent to Service Chief or Gunnery Chief.

-Honestly, this sheet is gold. You have a wicked sense of humour, friend, and I don’t see anything objectionable about the history portions, equipment, and so on. I love it!

[DearTrickster Notes] Same, I was giggling and enjoying the sheet from start to finish. Powers all check out along with weapons. Good job!

[Mortarion Notes] I agree with what both Dervs and Tricks said, the sheet was immensely enjoyable to read and, apart from the ranking issues that Dervs mentioned, I'd say the sheet is golden.

6. @Monochromatic Rainbow

Firuzeh Khoroushi, Human Vanguard - roleplayerguild.com/posts/4569930

[Dervish’s notes] 

- “They were there to test out a new generation of cybernetic enhancements on any willing colonists, as a colonist with the strength to tip shuttles on her own had self evident advantages over the original model.” 

I assume this means replacing existing cybernetics with upgrades rather than chopping off good body parts in the name of transhumanism? I’m totally fine with the former, but the latter is kind of an ethical issue.

-“But she had nothing left. No job, no friends” Did her quarian friend/ work colleagues die? I don’t think it’s really specified. 

-I actually really like the additions post Borealis, including her relationship to the Jury Riggers and what she did after it disbanded. She tried to get therapy to help herself from her mental struggles, which is a refreshingly nice thing to see, and she tried to get back into her academics but not being satisfied with it. That’s great. Everything leading up to her signing on with the Initiative is really well thought out and put together. Well done!

[DearTrickster’s Notes] Gotta really note here how well written her backstory is, great job Rainbow. It flows really well from one idea to the next and one event to the other. The main notes I had were clarification notes on her time in the lab testing those different enhancing prototypes. Did she take them upon herself fully developed or did she only test them as a volunteer for human testing? Two and a half years is a very short period to develop all these new prototypes and having results to safely conduct tests on humans, the scientists themselves, as opposed to control groups. Some clarification on where they were in development when Firu joined the lab, specifically please note which ones Firu tested on herself and whether these effects of the prototypes are permanent. Powers and weapons check out. 

[Mortarion’s Notes]  I really enjoyed the way you constructed Firu’s backstory, or more specifically the way that it connects to her life after she had left the Borealis. Particularly how it was the black sheep of the family who helped her through her issues, or well most of ‘em, and helped her move past the way the Blitz had marked her for the most part.

The way you also described how her time in the Citadel as part of a scientific team helped to further propel her desire to join the Initiative was fantastic in my opinion and, like Dervs said, everything is really well thought out and put together to explain why she came to Andromeda.

7. @Rtron

Serena Matthews, Human Sentinel - roleplayerguild.com/posts/4570060

[Dervish’s Notes]

-”She began to wonder what life outside Omega was like.” I thought she was still in San Pedro Sula? If they did move to Omega, it wasn’t mentioned/ how would she find Alliance recruiters on the station?
-The Alliance hiring Barat for being a heavy hitter seems kind of strange, it’s not really in most governments’ interests to hire unaccountable mercenaries, especially when they would run into the issue of the logistics being the same. What are the odds they can contact Barat and deploy him where needed when they have all the infrastructure in place to send a special forces squad to do the same job? I can see him being hired as an advisor in the same way that modern day militaries often hire locals as guides, interpreters, and for their knowledge. Maybe Serena got assigned to work with him on an official capacity and they built a bond that way?
-What exactly was Barat and Serena’s mission that had them operating completely alone and fighting security forces? Who were they fighting, why did they have no support? Unless I overlooked something, Serena sounds like most of her job with the alliance was as a support role back at base rather than infiltration, which she doesn’t really sound like she’s been trained in.
-Why did Serena go AWOL? Wouldn’t this lead to her being a wanted felon if she tried to sign up for the Initiative or returned to Alliance/ Citadel Space? You’re probably better off revising this where she resigned after the mission, although I do see you had this come into play in her loyalty mission bits. The problem still remains that despite John being a traitor, that doesn’t exactly absolve Serena of going AWOL.
-We’re kind of cyborg central around here, aren’t we? Considering the number of characters who had limbs replaced, I kind of feel like this is getting to be a bit excessive.
-You might want to narrow her specialization down for signing up with the initiative; there’s no way she’s going to be proficient in every single bit of technology that’s present.
-A big reason for people resisting going back into cryo sleep was the very real fear they’d never wake up again; when the Nexus hit the Scourge, a lot of the colonists died in their sleeping pods. It was that, along with the leadership making very arbitrary decisions without consulting the people for what they thought and denying essential resources to do their jobs that lead to the mutineers losing faith in the leadership; the uprising was about installing new leaders in a democratic way, not the flawed chain of command that existed. Director Tann being the new leader after losing the 7 prior leaders was a huge flaw in the system; he was an accountant, not someone who knew the intricacies of managing an entire colonization mission. Serena might have some sympathies with the mutineers without agreeing with them.
-I don’t see the Initiative allowing an individual member to bring entire mechs with them since space is limited. I’ll allow a few bits and pieces, like the processors and what have you, but entire mechs are out of the question.

[DearTrickster’s Notes] I really do like Serena’s start, but along with the previous points Dervs and Morty have made the AI has caught me pretty badly. You listed that Serena has experience in Artificial Intelligence. While the Initiative saw SAM as a tool, I think she’d be turned away if she had openly admitted to having experience in AI design or technology previously. AI is against Council Law, it originally had Alec Ryder dishonourably discharged and muddied the Ryder name. Involvement with AI is largely frowned upon, even if Jein Garson accepted and integrated SAM, SAM is fairly unique to the Initiative and Pathfinders. I can accept Barat mech accidentally gaining awareness, but otherwise Serena pursuing AI research and technology openly would be met with certain grief. Powers, personality, and weapons check out.

[Mortarion’s Notes] I echo most of the same points that Dervs made in regards to her specialization and on account of the whole “bringing an entire LOKI with her stuff”.  I can see her bringing mainly the processor and other stuff, but there’s no way she’d be able to get an entire mech to Andromeda. Apart from that I’d say you are good, just need to expand upon a few parts of her background -specifically the whole Barat thing and why Serena went AWOL- along with her specializations and you’d be done.

8. @POOHEAD189

Raik “Aralakh” Skarr, Krogan Vanguard - roleplayerguild.com/posts/4570436

[Dervish’s Notes]

-You’ve been using Raik, the clan name, a surname for krogan that are mentioned. It should be used like a title, e.g. Urdnot Wrex, Urdnot Grunt
-I don’t think Skarr could have been swallowed by a Thresher Maw and survived. Keep in mind those thing eat krogan and vehicles; they’re tough and probably not something that can be killed from the inside because it would be probably a common practice. Not sure if you noticed, but when you swallow something, your body automatically pulls it towards your stomach, and I can’t imagine a scenario where that wouldn’t be the case for a Thresher Maw.
-Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t Battle Masters earn their position by merit with biotics and martial power rather than have that be a title that’s passed around? I don’t think krogan are fond of helping others hone their skills due to competition and rivalries, as well as literally giving someone the means to kill you down the road. I don’t think it’s something that’s easily earned or discarded.
-You mention him arriving at the Citadel and gazing at the krogan statue twice in 3 paragraphs. 
-I know it’s a pain to write out centuries of history, but I think not even touching on any of it in a short paragraph is really the best idea. You have a strong, detailed start, then he leaves Tuchanka and in a few short paragraphs suddenly Frederick is the spotlight we focus on. What exactly constitutes an honourable contract, what exactly did he do all those years? Did he ever return to Tuchanka?
-Okay, this gets confusing; Why is Skarr being pursued by a gang, and why are they brazenly attacking him in the Presidium? 
-I get that you and Lauder plan on having characters with linked histories, but you need to keep in mind that if one of you doesn’t get accepted, you’re kind of stuck with this giant gap in your character sheet that exists without much justification. It also seems kind of strange that Skarr would hitch his lot to a human he fought with once when he never formed bonds like that several centuries. 

[Mortarion’s Notes]

 First of all let me note how I love that you’ve included, what I presume are, little phrases said by Raik before the background and personality sections, I feel it helps to give further insight into who Raik is as a person. Moving onto the story proper, I like the bit when Raik’s father was the Shaman of Clan Skarr, and how that shaped Raik himself and instilled into him that desire to become a Shaman himself, I feel it’s an interesting way to define Raik’s past because, instead of wanting to go looking for a tough opponent or getting out of Tuchanka he was focused on his people first and on their culture. Kinda similar to a younger Wrex, or at least that’s how I picture it, before he left Tuchanka due to his disillusionment with the Krogan people. 

The way he became a Battlemaster, no matter for how shortly he held the title, is rather interesting, but there’s one small problem. WHile the whole killing of a young thresher maw is cool, we know that the last person -in generations as we are told- to kill a Thresher Maw was Wrex himself so, maybe, Raik could have driven it away? Apart from that everything, particularly, the duel against his father and how he ended up killing him in the throes of the Blood Rage is perfect. I also like the bit how he is, if I’m reading this correctly, instantaneously regretful of killing his father, it’s -once again, in my eyes- interesting how that sets Skarr apart from other Krogans in the sense that he considers the blood Rage as something beneath him, almost like a dishonour to have fallen into it. The only thing that makes me raise my eyebrow a little it is hwy he left the position of Battlemaster of Clan Skarr, was it because he killed his father and thought himself unworthy of the position? I think clearing that up a bit would be ideal for the sheet, but maybe I’m being a tad nitpicky with that little detail. Another question that pops into my mind is, why did he went into the Citadel instead of Omega? He would have surely been more welcome in the latter rather than the former. Was he more interested in seeing the Krogan monument than getting steady work? Again, clarifying just a tiny bit I feel would help with the flow of the backstory for Raik. 

Finally there’s Raik’s entry into the Andromeda Initiative, did he really just join because Frederick asked him to do so? Or did he also desire to get away from the Milky Way? I feel like I’m being a tad nitpicky, but it seems just a tad disconnected from the rest of the backstory. Also, on that note, it’d probably be good to add a bit on why he decided to stay on the Nexus after the rest of the Krogan’s had left, it was a rather big thing after all, and why he’d volunteer to join the APEX militia as well. Apart from those things I just mentioned I’d say you sheet is pretty much golden, it just needs a bit expanding on a few points is all.
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