Paging @HenryJonesJr, @Iceheart and @Xandrya as those we haven't heard from yet via other channels
EDIT: Damn you, Wraith
You had one job, and you failed.
Seriously, how do you expect us to believe you have any real authority here?
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Most Recent Posts
You had one job, and you failed.
Seriously, how do you expect us to believe you have any real authority here?
@Hound55
As requested:
Aside from your banner taking up 20% of the entire post, solid opener. The beginning monologue immediately pulled me in and left me wanting to read more. There are quite a few grammatical errors (such as no apostrophes on possessive words) spread about that you could catch with ease if you read your posts before submitting them. I wish you would, but that's your choice, I'm trying not to focus on those kinds of things in these reviews unless they're to a degree that bothers me. I do, however, suggest you italicize instead of capitalizing words you want to stress.
Huh. You are now the second person I know who double spaces between sentences. So weird.
As someone who had big plans for him during my short-lived runs as Spider-Man, I appreciate that you're using Abner Jenkins. Definitely looking forward to seeing how you utilize him. And I like that you're tying in designs for his Beetle suit to Ted's in this manner (I assume). Solid concept.
Really loving your characterization of Ted. Both his total recall memory, as well as observational wit. I also cannot stress enough how much I appreciate that you are fully giving Ted the credit he deserves for his genius intellect. The guy is arguably smarter than Bruce Wayne, and a better inventor, but it's rarely shown in comics because writers have dumb hard-ons for Batman. I know part of his schtick is that he's not often taken seriously by the hero community, but I'm happy you're going this route regardless.
This is an example of first-person narrative that works. Also helps that you're doing present tense. It's interesting how you're blending Ted's POV in with the first-person omniscient style, but it suits what you're doing.
Update: I was wrong. B.E.E.T.L.E. suit and Ted's BB suit not entirely linked. Still cool, though. Disappointed you didn't go all in on the trope-y silliness and name the patent as 833-713 (BEETLE). Regardless, I'm loving the exposition.
Be careful, though, that your sentences don't get too wordy. I don't mean technical jargon, I mean unnecessary, additional words. There's more than a few occasions where you have extra phrases and articles that can cause your writing to become clunky and awkward. And be careful of tautologies. These all relate to syntax and diction choices and are largely solved by reading through your posts out loud. I feel like that's something I'll likely repeat a few times for your review, but it's also a problem you already are aware of. You just need to make the effort to correct it.
Also, nice fast food advertisement reference. I got that.
The Farley Fleeter vs man in green scene got slightly confusing. Wasn't entirely clear who Farley was, nor his significance. Like, why is this weirdly named advertising agent being hired for shady non-advertising business? Obviously some of this you may have wanted to keep unspoiled, but I'd have liked a little more substance here, personally. I don't know, took me out of the scene as I had to reread it, but this particular critique may be entirely me. I am rather dumb.
Using "torch" from an American perspective can be odd, but that's clearly a very minor nitpick. Just something I noticed.
I'd also recommend, in general, spelling out uncomplicated numbers. Sometimes you'll say twenty-six, other times you'll put 6. The former is correct, and maintaining continuity between your forms will keep things fluid and not risk a reader being taken out of the moment. Again, though, relatively minor.
Was the blue writing in the first scene meant to be verbal dialogue? Because there were no quotation marks. Or was this a thought-based tech Kord was using? Oh, wait. Nevermind. You used some funky colors for the quotation marks that weren't visible unless I stuck my face against the monitor or highlighted the line. Please don't do that lol.
Man. That poor A.I. gets no respect.
But, this post was a "good time."
Interesting recap. Your wacky omniscient, first-person narrator style is interesting for sure. But it works for what you're doing. I'm enjoying it, at least. Aside from the "(***Again, sorry about the spoilers...***)" bit which I felt took me out of the writing for a moment.
Phew. You went back to non-weird, alternating color schemes. That's a relief.
Multiple lines of separate dialogue from different people in the same paragraph are no bueno. I know you were going for a montage sort of deal in that paragraph, but it never really works out, and it looks jarring and clunky.
When you have such extraordinarily long periods of dialogue, I think you should toss in some exposition here and there. Obviously, you must know this as this is something you have joked about constantly lately, but the point remains. Especially when it comes to segments that aren't just dialogue, but rapid back-and-forths for an extended time. Doesn't even have to be something detailed, just a line or two here and there to break up the monotony.
That being said, I enjoy Ted's banter.
Man. Hank sucks at texting.
Similarly to my appreciation of Ted's brilliance being established, I appreciate Pym getting the same treatment. He's the Scientist Supreme in Marvel for a reason, yet his genius is so often overlooked compared to Reed's and Tony's, despite being their equal or even better in some regards.
Not gonna lie, the transitions from bolded yellow to that red for the dialogue made me worry I'd get a headache.
How old are these incarnations of Hank and Janet meant to be? I'm assuming late thirties early forties based on context, but at times I get an old man feel from Hank.
I'm interested in seeing more of your characterization for Hank. At times his awkwardness feels close to being on the spectrum. Curious if you intend to tie that into his quirky brilliance or not.
Ted's a good friend. And a good guy. I approve.
Scott Lang name drop and potential Ant-Man shenanigans: check.
Hint at Ultron assistant incoming: check (I think?).
Intriguing me and keeping me interested in the ongoing plot: double check.
I like how you're handling the unhinged Pym dynamic. Keeping Jan worried for what he'll do, but not just going straight wife-beater Pym, which I have always hated. I also appreciate that you're addressing the fact that these discoveries and technologies the comic characters create could be used for legitimate world-wide issues and cure real problems, and not just punch bad guys in the face. I get annoyed by that in comics. So, definitely like that.
I'm not sure if intentional or not, but you keep switching between bolded and regular text for Kord. At first, I thought you were trying to display when he was being louder, but that doesn't seem to be the case judging from his speech before the experiment.
Also, love that Hank, but primarily Jan, figured out Ted's secret after a single outing. Subvert those cliches!
In conclusion, I'm enjoying your story a lot. I like the way you handle the narrative. But, you absolutely need to proofread your stuff before you post. It'll take you much less time reading it out loud beforehand than it does for you to continuously panic then reread through things after the fact. And, also, just keep an eye out for when your dialogue exchanges go too long without breaks of (minor) exposition. Both of those will help maintain your flow.
Good stuff, though, looking forward to the next post! Crossing my fingers Ted shows up to the expo in a meat suit. They've got the bigass bacon all ready for the material.
As requested:
First Post:
Aside from your banner taking up 20% of the entire post, solid opener. The beginning monologue immediately pulled me in and left me wanting to read more. There are quite a few grammatical errors (such as no apostrophes on possessive words) spread about that you could catch with ease if you read your posts before submitting them. I wish you would, but that's your choice, I'm trying not to focus on those kinds of things in these reviews unless they're to a degree that bothers me. I do, however, suggest you italicize instead of capitalizing words you want to stress.
Huh. You are now the second person I know who double spaces between sentences. So weird.
As someone who had big plans for him during my short-lived runs as Spider-Man, I appreciate that you're using Abner Jenkins. Definitely looking forward to seeing how you utilize him. And I like that you're tying in designs for his Beetle suit to Ted's in this manner (I assume). Solid concept.
Really loving your characterization of Ted. Both his total recall memory, as well as observational wit. I also cannot stress enough how much I appreciate that you are fully giving Ted the credit he deserves for his genius intellect. The guy is arguably smarter than Bruce Wayne, and a better inventor, but it's rarely shown in comics because writers have dumb hard-ons for Batman. I know part of his schtick is that he's not often taken seriously by the hero community, but I'm happy you're going this route regardless.
This is an example of first-person narrative that works. Also helps that you're doing present tense. It's interesting how you're blending Ted's POV in with the first-person omniscient style, but it suits what you're doing.
Second Post:
Update: I was wrong. B.E.E.T.L.E. suit and Ted's BB suit not entirely linked. Still cool, though. Disappointed you didn't go all in on the trope-y silliness and name the patent as 833-713 (BEETLE). Regardless, I'm loving the exposition.
Be careful, though, that your sentences don't get too wordy. I don't mean technical jargon, I mean unnecessary, additional words. There's more than a few occasions where you have extra phrases and articles that can cause your writing to become clunky and awkward. And be careful of tautologies. These all relate to syntax and diction choices and are largely solved by reading through your posts out loud. I feel like that's something I'll likely repeat a few times for your review, but it's also a problem you already are aware of. You just need to make the effort to correct it.
Also, nice fast food advertisement reference. I got that.
The Farley Fleeter vs man in green scene got slightly confusing. Wasn't entirely clear who Farley was, nor his significance. Like, why is this weirdly named advertising agent being hired for shady non-advertising business? Obviously some of this you may have wanted to keep unspoiled, but I'd have liked a little more substance here, personally. I don't know, took me out of the scene as I had to reread it, but this particular critique may be entirely me. I am rather dumb.
Using "torch" from an American perspective can be odd, but that's clearly a very minor nitpick. Just something I noticed.
I'd also recommend, in general, spelling out uncomplicated numbers. Sometimes you'll say twenty-six, other times you'll put 6. The former is correct, and maintaining continuity between your forms will keep things fluid and not risk a reader being taken out of the moment. Again, though, relatively minor.
Third Post:
Was the blue writing in the first scene meant to be verbal dialogue? Because there were no quotation marks. Or was this a thought-based tech Kord was using? Oh, wait. Nevermind. You used some funky colors for the quotation marks that weren't visible unless I stuck my face against the monitor or highlighted the line. Please don't do that lol.
Man. That poor A.I. gets no respect.
But, this post was a "good time."
Fourth Post:
Interesting recap. Your wacky omniscient, first-person narrator style is interesting for sure. But it works for what you're doing. I'm enjoying it, at least. Aside from the "(***Again, sorry about the spoilers...***)" bit which I felt took me out of the writing for a moment.
Phew. You went back to non-weird, alternating color schemes. That's a relief.
Multiple lines of separate dialogue from different people in the same paragraph are no bueno. I know you were going for a montage sort of deal in that paragraph, but it never really works out, and it looks jarring and clunky.
When you have such extraordinarily long periods of dialogue, I think you should toss in some exposition here and there. Obviously, you must know this as this is something you have joked about constantly lately, but the point remains. Especially when it comes to segments that aren't just dialogue, but rapid back-and-forths for an extended time. Doesn't even have to be something detailed, just a line or two here and there to break up the monotony.
That being said, I enjoy Ted's banter.
Fifth Post:
Man. Hank sucks at texting.
Similarly to my appreciation of Ted's brilliance being established, I appreciate Pym getting the same treatment. He's the Scientist Supreme in Marvel for a reason, yet his genius is so often overlooked compared to Reed's and Tony's, despite being their equal or even better in some regards.
Not gonna lie, the transitions from bolded yellow to that red for the dialogue made me worry I'd get a headache.
How old are these incarnations of Hank and Janet meant to be? I'm assuming late thirties early forties based on context, but at times I get an old man feel from Hank.
I'm interested in seeing more of your characterization for Hank. At times his awkwardness feels close to being on the spectrum. Curious if you intend to tie that into his quirky brilliance or not.
Sixth Post:
Ted's a good friend. And a good guy. I approve.
Scott Lang name drop and potential Ant-Man shenanigans: check.
Hint at Ultron assistant incoming: check (I think?).
Intriguing me and keeping me interested in the ongoing plot: double check.
I like how you're handling the unhinged Pym dynamic. Keeping Jan worried for what he'll do, but not just going straight wife-beater Pym, which I have always hated. I also appreciate that you're addressing the fact that these discoveries and technologies the comic characters create could be used for legitimate world-wide issues and cure real problems, and not just punch bad guys in the face. I get annoyed by that in comics. So, definitely like that.
I'm not sure if intentional or not, but you keep switching between bolded and regular text for Kord. At first, I thought you were trying to display when he was being louder, but that doesn't seem to be the case judging from his speech before the experiment.
Also, love that Hank, but primarily Jan, figured out Ted's secret after a single outing. Subvert those cliches!
In conclusion, I'm enjoying your story a lot. I like the way you handle the narrative. But, you absolutely need to proofread your stuff before you post. It'll take you much less time reading it out loud beforehand than it does for you to continuously panic then reread through things after the fact. And, also, just keep an eye out for when your dialogue exchanges go too long without breaks of (minor) exposition. Both of those will help maintain your flow.
Good stuff, though, looking forward to the next post! Crossing my fingers Ted shows up to the expo in a meat suit. They've got the bigass bacon all ready for the material.
@Simple Unicycle
Continuing from where I left off on reviewing your posts. I decided to read through everything linked in your post catalog all at once so I could provide better feedback without constantly discussing things in the past as I went. And also because I figure that many of the things I said to you regarding the first post may hold true for several more of these, and I don't want to just rehash the same points to you over and over again. So, I'll only mention those things briefly to say whether I saw them improve or stay the same naturally over time, and the rest of this will focus on the narrative itself. Or, that's the goal as I start, at least, as I'll be writing these out in real time as I go.
I liked the start. The exposition as we followed Jeremy. There were a handful of poor diction choices - a lot of repetition - and some awkward syntax here and there, but mostly it was alright. I think, for me, your third-person narrative is much better than your first. Which is alright, the only way to improve is to keep doing it. But seeing the difference in how you write third-person compared to first makes a considerable difference in how I feel about your writing. For instance, I think the way you do combat from a first-person perspective leaves things chaotic, and not in a way that feels like it's on purpose.
That being said, I enjoy that you're going the Buffy route with the vampires dusting. And the introduction of Frank leaves me interested.
(Hoping you don't pull a Gowi and make Frank Drake related to Tim Drake.)
Hm. After reading this post, I'll adjust my previous comments. I think your first-person with Deacon, while still not quite the same as your third-person writing, was better than your Blade perspective. Part of this is definitely because you slowed things down and gave the character introspection. Deacon felt more like a character to me, whereas with Blade he's more of a dispensary for one-liners. Which, personally, I don't find makes for the best read without there being more to it.
Also, speaking of Deacon, I liked that you make him cold and calculating. Cliche for a villain, sure, but there's a reason it is cliche. It works, and I enjoy reading a manipulative bad guy who actually uses his mind as a weapon. For the most part, aside from more repetition, I enjoyed this portion of the post.
Alright, so I was initially disappointed that immediately after introducing Deacon as someone who is calm and contemplative, you throw him and Eric into battle. No buildup. And, while I still would have liked to see things fleshed out more before reaching the climax, I'm glad to see that you ended it the way you did. Also, your fight scenes here were much better done than previously, I feel. So much less chaotic. And the lack of constant one-liners every other line helped me enjoy the scene, personally.
I will say, though, that you really shouldn't do the whole "*cough cough*" thing mid-dialogue like that. Or at all when writing a story. Just cut the dialogue with actual words telling us that he's coughing, hacking up blood, gasping, etc. Not to sound rude, but the former comes off as amateurish. The asterisks thing only really works in casual, informal chat settings.
Your first-person writing definitely improves when you slow things down and give time and space for exposition. I think adding in some introspection from Eric would also help things feel more natural and less chaotic.
All I can really think reading this post is that I wish there were more exposition and introspective moments. As an audience member to the narrative you're weaving, I want to feel like I'm in the story. I want to feel like these are real people, a real setting, real history to the world. Not saying you need to lore dump or go George R.R. Martin on us by any means, but just adding in some of these things here and there where they naturally fit can help people become more immersed in your story, as well as eager to read more.
I appreciate that you're weaving in the past narrative as a way to mirror the present. To me, I'm still not connecting with Eric as a character. I'm not finding any substance to him yet, personally. But I am interested in reading more about Deacon. So, I'm looking forward to seeing how that develops.
Also, I liked the ending of this post. That was nicely done.
All in all, for me, if you slowed things down just a little so things felt more naturally developed, and utilized some exposition and introspective inner monologuing more, I think your posts would benefit. As well as reading through your posts several times, out loud, to catch the awkward moments of repetition that are throughout your writing.
I'm enjoying the story you're telling more now than when it began. I don't think your opening post did justice to your capabilities at all. I hope to see more character development from Eric, and I am interested to see where you take Deacon moving forward. His story, both past and present, has my attention.
Continuing from where I left off on reviewing your posts. I decided to read through everything linked in your post catalog all at once so I could provide better feedback without constantly discussing things in the past as I went. And also because I figure that many of the things I said to you regarding the first post may hold true for several more of these, and I don't want to just rehash the same points to you over and over again. So, I'll only mention those things briefly to say whether I saw them improve or stay the same naturally over time, and the rest of this will focus on the narrative itself. Or, that's the goal as I start, at least, as I'll be writing these out in real time as I go.
Second Post:
I liked the start. The exposition as we followed Jeremy. There were a handful of poor diction choices - a lot of repetition - and some awkward syntax here and there, but mostly it was alright. I think, for me, your third-person narrative is much better than your first. Which is alright, the only way to improve is to keep doing it. But seeing the difference in how you write third-person compared to first makes a considerable difference in how I feel about your writing. For instance, I think the way you do combat from a first-person perspective leaves things chaotic, and not in a way that feels like it's on purpose.
That being said, I enjoy that you're going the Buffy route with the vampires dusting. And the introduction of Frank leaves me interested.
(Hoping you don't pull a Gowi and make Frank Drake related to Tim Drake.)
Fourth Post:
Hm. After reading this post, I'll adjust my previous comments. I think your first-person with Deacon, while still not quite the same as your third-person writing, was better than your Blade perspective. Part of this is definitely because you slowed things down and gave the character introspection. Deacon felt more like a character to me, whereas with Blade he's more of a dispensary for one-liners. Which, personally, I don't find makes for the best read without there being more to it.
Also, speaking of Deacon, I liked that you make him cold and calculating. Cliche for a villain, sure, but there's a reason it is cliche. It works, and I enjoy reading a manipulative bad guy who actually uses his mind as a weapon. For the most part, aside from more repetition, I enjoyed this portion of the post.
Fifth Post:
Alright, so I was initially disappointed that immediately after introducing Deacon as someone who is calm and contemplative, you throw him and Eric into battle. No buildup. And, while I still would have liked to see things fleshed out more before reaching the climax, I'm glad to see that you ended it the way you did. Also, your fight scenes here were much better done than previously, I feel. So much less chaotic. And the lack of constant one-liners every other line helped me enjoy the scene, personally.
I will say, though, that you really shouldn't do the whole "*cough cough*" thing mid-dialogue like that. Or at all when writing a story. Just cut the dialogue with actual words telling us that he's coughing, hacking up blood, gasping, etc. Not to sound rude, but the former comes off as amateurish. The asterisks thing only really works in casual, informal chat settings.
Sixth post:
Your first-person writing definitely improves when you slow things down and give time and space for exposition. I think adding in some introspection from Eric would also help things feel more natural and less chaotic.
Seventh Post:
All I can really think reading this post is that I wish there were more exposition and introspective moments. As an audience member to the narrative you're weaving, I want to feel like I'm in the story. I want to feel like these are real people, a real setting, real history to the world. Not saying you need to lore dump or go George R.R. Martin on us by any means, but just adding in some of these things here and there where they naturally fit can help people become more immersed in your story, as well as eager to read more.
Eighth Post:
I appreciate that you're weaving in the past narrative as a way to mirror the present. To me, I'm still not connecting with Eric as a character. I'm not finding any substance to him yet, personally. But I am interested in reading more about Deacon. So, I'm looking forward to seeing how that develops.
Also, I liked the ending of this post. That was nicely done.
All in all, for me, if you slowed things down just a little so things felt more naturally developed, and utilized some exposition and introspective inner monologuing more, I think your posts would benefit. As well as reading through your posts several times, out loud, to catch the awkward moments of repetition that are throughout your writing.
I'm enjoying the story you're telling more now than when it began. I don't think your opening post did justice to your capabilities at all. I hope to see more character development from Eric, and I am interested to see where you take Deacon moving forward. His story, both past and present, has my attention.
Stein's clearly trying to take my position of best character proposal banner with this obviously mediocre attempt.
That looks really fucking good, Stein. I like it.
That looks really fucking good, Stein. I like it.
@Retired, Kori is probably my favourite Titan right now, but I am rather concerned about Gar so if you could continue writing that perspective, that'd be great.
He dead.
Titans take a stand against alliteration Monday.
Or, for Bounce specifically, Titans Tuesday.
Or, for Bounce specifically, Titans Tuesday.
Manhattan, New York City | Five Days Ago
Chapter One | Part Two
Elijah watched as the girl spun around, her bright red hair seemed alive as it whipped around with her excited movements. She scanned the room, pausing briefly on each new, alien object as she took in her new home.
It wasn't much, Eli knew. A warehouse on the docks he had known to be abandoned for years, its doors locked tight until today. Maybe 2000 square feet at the most, the interior was largely barren. Several empty crates scattered about, discarded scraps, and the used mattress Eli had brought over the previous night in preparation were all that remained.
"It is so..." She paused, considering which word of this new language best fit. "Spacious. Are all Earth dwellings like this?"
Eli's lips twitched up into a half-smile. After spending all that time in her space pod, I guess this really does seem huge in comparison.
"Nah," he told her, "this isn't even a house. It's meant to store things. Usually for big companies or shipping magnates. Or the mafia, maybe."
"Mafia?" She looked at him inquisitively.
"Nevermind."
As the girl floated up into the air to observe the rafters above, he thought back to everything she had told him in the past forty hours.
Her name was Koriand'r. Starfire, she had informed him after screwing up the pronunciation twice, was the approximate English translation. She was from the planet Tamaran, somewhere in the Vega system, though that meant nothing to Eli. She hadn't provided a lot of details about this next part, but there had been some sort of civil war on her world. In the chaos of fleeing, her escape craft had been damaged and knocked off course, trapping her inside. She was uncertain of how long it had been, but the distance traveled suggested an amount of time that was sickening to even consider. It had only been sheer luck that her trajectory took her close enough to Earth's orbit to be pulled in.
Eli could only imagine the trauma such an experience would have on someone. To be not only completely isolated while hurtling through space with little hope of rescue, but to also have seen her homeworld be consumed by war. And, although she had not said anything, he got the sense that Koriand'r had lost someone before her escape. Yet, he noted, she seemed... bubbly.
"I'm sorry there isn't anything here for you right now." Eli glanced at the meager mattress that would serve as her cot. "And I know it isn't the most comfortable place in the world, but it's only temporary. I'll try to find someplace else for you."
"It is wonderful, Elijah. Please, do not worry." Koriand'r glided back down through the air to land before him. "Your kindness brings me much joy. I will be very happy here."
"I'm glad," he said, "but still, I promise I'll do better for you."
Her smile brightened. "And you will visit, yes?"
"Of course. Every day. I've got school and all most of the week, and some martial arts classes, but other than that I'll be here. You're new to this world, I'm not just gonna leave you out to dry."
The golden-skinned girl's face scrunched up. "I do not understand. I am not wet, why would you dry my person?"
Elijah momentarily felt his face flush slightly as he caught her puzzled expression, her absurdly beautiful features forming into an adorable frown. "No, uh. It's just an expression. A figure of speech. It means I won't abandon you. I'll be right by your side."
"Oh!" Koriand'r floated closer towards him, letting her hands fall onto his shoulders as she smiled once more. "I would very much like that."
"Well, what do you think?" He looked at Koriand'r expectantly. "I'll be right by your side the whole time."
She pursed her lips, her gaze drifting downwards towards her clasped hands. Having now spent the majority of each day for an entire week with her, Eli knew she was thinking intently. Not that it would have been difficult to figure out anyway, as he had come to discover that alien facial expressions and mannerisms were not all too different from a human's.
"It will be safe?" Koriand'r asked, her eyes raising to meet his. "My presence will not draw suspicion nor endanger you?"
Elijah hesitated before answering. What he was asking of her wasn't a simple task and he wanted to make sure he provided her with every relevant detail and honest answer that he could.
"I mean, there's gonna be risks, sure. I've got no personal experience with this sort of thing, but what we'd be doing wouldn't exactly be legal. And there's always a chance someone could get hurt. But it's worth it. I think we could make a real difference. Do some good."
"And," he added after a moment, "I can take care of myself."
I hope. Elijah let that brief thought of doubt echo around his mind for only a second before shaking it off. He may not be as capable as his new alien friend, but he had trained for years with the expectation of enlisting one day. It was dangerous, he knew, but Eli was confident in his abilities. And, given his mother's position on the military, this may be his best chance of serving his country. Even if he had to break the law to do so.
For months he had watched news coverage of various masked individuals rising to prominence in cities all across the country, and even the globe. Vigilantes using their enhanced abilities and sheer willpower to stand up for what was right. To save people. To put an end to evil injustices just as his grandfather once had seventy-five years ago. As his uncle had after the War on Terror began. And now, here was this powered individual who had practically been sent to him from the sky above. Eli couldn't just sit back and do nothing while knowing there was a role he could play. And, he suspected, neither could Koriand'r.
She stood suddenly to her full, statuesque height. Right fist clenched before her chest and eyes flashing with excited passion. "I watched as my home was consumed in conflict by those with evil thoughts and desires. I may not be of this world, but I wish to help prevent it from the same horrors my planet suffered. Yes!" She proclaimed. "I will join you! I will be this hero you speak of."
Elijah joined her on his feet, pumping his fist in victory. It would be a difficult journey, he was sure, but together he felt they could succeed.
"Great," he told her. "Then today we go on a test run. Just get you used to being out in the city."
Eli paused, looking Koriand'r over from head to toe. "But, first, I've gotta grab you some clothes that won't stand out."
It wasn't much, Eli knew. A warehouse on the docks he had known to be abandoned for years, its doors locked tight until today. Maybe 2000 square feet at the most, the interior was largely barren. Several empty crates scattered about, discarded scraps, and the used mattress Eli had brought over the previous night in preparation were all that remained.
"It is so..." She paused, considering which word of this new language best fit. "Spacious. Are all Earth dwellings like this?"
Eli's lips twitched up into a half-smile. After spending all that time in her space pod, I guess this really does seem huge in comparison.
"Nah," he told her, "this isn't even a house. It's meant to store things. Usually for big companies or shipping magnates. Or the mafia, maybe."
"Mafia?" She looked at him inquisitively.
"Nevermind."
As the girl floated up into the air to observe the rafters above, he thought back to everything she had told him in the past forty hours.
Her name was Koriand'r. Starfire, she had informed him after screwing up the pronunciation twice, was the approximate English translation. She was from the planet Tamaran, somewhere in the Vega system, though that meant nothing to Eli. She hadn't provided a lot of details about this next part, but there had been some sort of civil war on her world. In the chaos of fleeing, her escape craft had been damaged and knocked off course, trapping her inside. She was uncertain of how long it had been, but the distance traveled suggested an amount of time that was sickening to even consider. It had only been sheer luck that her trajectory took her close enough to Earth's orbit to be pulled in.
Eli could only imagine the trauma such an experience would have on someone. To be not only completely isolated while hurtling through space with little hope of rescue, but to also have seen her homeworld be consumed by war. And, although she had not said anything, he got the sense that Koriand'r had lost someone before her escape. Yet, he noted, she seemed... bubbly.
"I'm sorry there isn't anything here for you right now." Eli glanced at the meager mattress that would serve as her cot. "And I know it isn't the most comfortable place in the world, but it's only temporary. I'll try to find someplace else for you."
"It is wonderful, Elijah. Please, do not worry." Koriand'r glided back down through the air to land before him. "Your kindness brings me much joy. I will be very happy here."
"I'm glad," he said, "but still, I promise I'll do better for you."
Her smile brightened. "And you will visit, yes?"
"Of course. Every day. I've got school and all most of the week, and some martial arts classes, but other than that I'll be here. You're new to this world, I'm not just gonna leave you out to dry."
The golden-skinned girl's face scrunched up. "I do not understand. I am not wet, why would you dry my person?"
Elijah momentarily felt his face flush slightly as he caught her puzzled expression, her absurdly beautiful features forming into an adorable frown. "No, uh. It's just an expression. A figure of speech. It means I won't abandon you. I'll be right by your side."
"Oh!" Koriand'r floated closer towards him, letting her hands fall onto his shoulders as she smiled once more. "I would very much like that."
* * *
Present Day
"Well, what do you think?" He looked at Koriand'r expectantly. "I'll be right by your side the whole time."
She pursed her lips, her gaze drifting downwards towards her clasped hands. Having now spent the majority of each day for an entire week with her, Eli knew she was thinking intently. Not that it would have been difficult to figure out anyway, as he had come to discover that alien facial expressions and mannerisms were not all too different from a human's.
"It will be safe?" Koriand'r asked, her eyes raising to meet his. "My presence will not draw suspicion nor endanger you?"
Elijah hesitated before answering. What he was asking of her wasn't a simple task and he wanted to make sure he provided her with every relevant detail and honest answer that he could.
"I mean, there's gonna be risks, sure. I've got no personal experience with this sort of thing, but what we'd be doing wouldn't exactly be legal. And there's always a chance someone could get hurt. But it's worth it. I think we could make a real difference. Do some good."
"And," he added after a moment, "I can take care of myself."
I hope. Elijah let that brief thought of doubt echo around his mind for only a second before shaking it off. He may not be as capable as his new alien friend, but he had trained for years with the expectation of enlisting one day. It was dangerous, he knew, but Eli was confident in his abilities. And, given his mother's position on the military, this may be his best chance of serving his country. Even if he had to break the law to do so.
For months he had watched news coverage of various masked individuals rising to prominence in cities all across the country, and even the globe. Vigilantes using their enhanced abilities and sheer willpower to stand up for what was right. To save people. To put an end to evil injustices just as his grandfather once had seventy-five years ago. As his uncle had after the War on Terror began. And now, here was this powered individual who had practically been sent to him from the sky above. Eli couldn't just sit back and do nothing while knowing there was a role he could play. And, he suspected, neither could Koriand'r.
She stood suddenly to her full, statuesque height. Right fist clenched before her chest and eyes flashing with excited passion. "I watched as my home was consumed in conflict by those with evil thoughts and desires. I may not be of this world, but I wish to help prevent it from the same horrors my planet suffered. Yes!" She proclaimed. "I will join you! I will be this hero you speak of."
Elijah joined her on his feet, pumping his fist in victory. It would be a difficult journey, he was sure, but together he felt they could succeed.
"Great," he told her. "Then today we go on a test run. Just get you used to being out in the city."
Eli paused, looking Koriand'r over from head to toe. "But, first, I've gotta grab you some clothes that won't stand out."
I don't want to say how many times I had to edit that OOC post...
I was watching. I counted three.
Well, this critique stuff is new and exciting! I’m slightly too terrified to ask for a review of my own though lmao
You can always ask for a private one if you want. I promise I don't bite.
But, I think healthy critiquing, when requested, can only serve to help us as writers and RPers moving forward. Which subsequently aids the game in thriving. Besides, this is clearly just a marketing ploy to convince more people to review my own posts.
Also, Nate was slacking on his reviewing duties.
@Roman
As requested in the Discord. This is for your first post.
Alrighty, so, the first thing that stands out to me is your exposition. While there are some syntax errors here and there, it's pretty minor and doesn't detract from the writing all that much. Overall, I really enjoy your exposition, and I can see and appreciate how you're using it to explore's Matt's world through his senses. Well done on that regard.
I do think, though, that you need to work on dividing your paragraphs. There are a handful throughout this post that are too long and verge on blocks of text. Both in exposition and dialogue - the latter primarily when Karen is debriefing Matt. Just simply finding a natural break point and separating them would help keep your writing nice and fluid, and would only enhance your use of exposition.
Speaking of dialogue, while I think Matt's initial voice isn't quite there, I'm sure you find a better footing in that regard later on. Right now it just feels, not bland, but neutral to me. If that makes sense. However, I absolutely love your Foggy. I can tell you're modeling him after the Netflix series, and I can absolutely hear Elden Henson's voice as I read his lines. My favorite part of your post, actually. Your voice for Matt is also improved here, I feel. When you write him with Foggy he seems to come more alive.
Honestly, I debated giving your post a like when I initially read it last week. I can't quite recall why I didn't. I think, perhaps, Matt's initial dialogue. Or maybe I was just being petty and sticking to the joke that I hate you (I don't). Either way, that's been rectified now.
Looking forward to reading the rest of your stuff for this season.
As requested in the Discord. This is for your first post.
Alrighty, so, the first thing that stands out to me is your exposition. While there are some syntax errors here and there, it's pretty minor and doesn't detract from the writing all that much. Overall, I really enjoy your exposition, and I can see and appreciate how you're using it to explore's Matt's world through his senses. Well done on that regard.
I do think, though, that you need to work on dividing your paragraphs. There are a handful throughout this post that are too long and verge on blocks of text. Both in exposition and dialogue - the latter primarily when Karen is debriefing Matt. Just simply finding a natural break point and separating them would help keep your writing nice and fluid, and would only enhance your use of exposition.
Speaking of dialogue, while I think Matt's initial voice isn't quite there, I'm sure you find a better footing in that regard later on. Right now it just feels, not bland, but neutral to me. If that makes sense. However, I absolutely love your Foggy. I can tell you're modeling him after the Netflix series, and I can absolutely hear Elden Henson's voice as I read his lines. My favorite part of your post, actually. Your voice for Matt is also improved here, I feel. When you write him with Foggy he seems to come more alive.
Honestly, I debated giving your post a like when I initially read it last week. I can't quite recall why I didn't. I think, perhaps, Matt's initial dialogue. Or maybe I was just being petty and sticking to the joke that I hate you (I don't). Either way, that's been rectified now.
Looking forward to reading the rest of your stuff for this season.
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