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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mickilennial
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mickilennial is trying to survive

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I'm glad you finally found that pack of smokes.

Do you just think I run on whiskey and cigarettes or something? I'm not Ernest Hemingway.
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Hillan
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Hillan I'm a writer - Lying's what we do.

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<Snipped quote by Hillan>
Do you just think I run on whiskey and cigarettes or something? I'm not Ernest Hemingway.


I've read the post. I know you're not.

Mwah.

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mickilennial
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mickilennial is trying to survive

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I've read the post. I know you're not.

Mwah.

Yeah. Ernest was a minimalist while I am a maximalist. Good catch.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Hillan
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Hillan I'm a writer - Lying's what we do.

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<Snipped quote by Hillan>
Yeah. Ernest was a minimalist while I am a maximalist. Good catch.


Yeah. That's what I meant.

Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Stein
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Stein That's Queen Stein, thank you.

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I wish RPG had a "love" button for that sheet.

Well good golly, Miss Molly I think I'm blushing now!

Dammit, now I have to keep up the good work.

Stein's clearly trying to take my position of best character proposal banner with this obviously mediocre attempt.
That looks really fucking good, Stein. I like it.

Biiiitch. I love a good read.

You're right! I will step my pussy up next time.



<Snipped quote by Hillan>
Yeah. Ernest was a minimalist while I am a maximalist. Good catch.


Oh thanks, gurl. I needed a good laugh for today.

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mickilennial
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mickilennial is trying to survive

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Supermaxx
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Supermaxx dumbass

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Don't be a dick.

This has been a public service announcement from the Board of Truth.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Lord Wraith
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Lord Wraith Actually Three Otters in a Trenchcoat

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Hey everyone,

Over the past little while there's been some concerns about the behavior of the group, including the GMs. I've been on the defensive putting out some small fires here and there but it'd be nice to be on the offense for a little bit and take the time to remind everyone that this is a text medium. That said, tone and intent don't always translate through the screen even if you use italics, quotes or lower case letters.

Going forward, I'm all for having fun and a light ribbing here and there but unfortunately taking the piss out of one person repeatedly becomes a bit too close to bullying. We're all in this together and presumably have the same goals to see this through.

So let's not drive each other away, I want more posts damnit!
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Byrd Man
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Byrd Man El Hombre Pájaro

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Hey everyone,

Over the past little while there's been some concerns about the behavior of the group, including the GMs. I've been on the defensive putting out some small fires here and there but it'd be nice to be on the offense for a little bit and take the time to remind everyone that this is a text medium. That said, tone and intent don't always translate through the screen even if you use italics, quotes or lower case letters.

Going forward, I'm all for having fun and a light ribbing here and there but unfortunately taking the piss out of one person repeatedly becomes a bit too close to bullying. We're all in this together and presumably have the same goals to see this through.

So let's not drive each other away, I want more posts damnit!


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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Xandrya
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Xandrya Lone Wolf

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I'm still alive, yes, and working on something which should be up by the weekend

But please no critiquing...looking at you, @Retired
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Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by mickilennial
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mickilennial is trying to survive

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I'm still alive, yes, and working on something which should be up by the weekend

But please no critiquing...looking at you, @Retired

Looking forward to it!

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Hound55
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Hound55 Create-A-Hero RPG GM, Blue Bringer of BWAHAHA!

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I'm still alive, yes, and working on something which should be up by the weekend

But please no critiquing...looking at you, @Retired


I'll hold the door! Run!
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Supermaxx
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Supermaxx dumbass

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Can't wait for more Raven, personally. Glad to know you're still around!
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Stein
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Stein That's Queen Stein, thank you.

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Oh! I legitimately JUST watched this episode today with my friend on my quest to foster an obsession for anime in him.

Don't be a dick.

This has been a public service announcement from the Board of Truth.


We stan an all-knowing entity.

Hey everyone,

Over the past little while there's been some concerns about the behavior of the group, including the GMs. I've been on the defensive putting out some small fires here and there but it'd be nice to be on the offense for a little bit and take the time to remind everyone that this is a text medium. That said, tone and intent don't always translate through the screen even if you use italics, quotes or lower case letters.

Going forward, I'm all for having fun and a light ribbing here and there but unfortunately taking the piss out of one person repeatedly becomes a bit too close to bullying. We're all in this together and presumably have the same goals to see this through.

So let's not drive each other away, I want more posts damnit!


Fiiiiine.

Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by Retired
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Retired "Hayao Miyazaki"

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@Hound55

As requested:

First Post:

Aside from your banner taking up 20% of the entire post, solid opener. The beginning monologue immediately pulled me in and left me wanting to read more. There are quite a few grammatical errors (such as no apostrophes on possessive words) spread about that you could catch with ease if you read your posts before submitting them. I wish you would, but that's your choice, I'm trying not to focus on those kinds of things in these reviews unless they're to a degree that bothers me. I do, however, suggest you italicize instead of capitalizing words you want to stress.

Huh. You are now the second person I know who double spaces between sentences. So weird.

As someone who had big plans for him during my short-lived runs as Spider-Man, I appreciate that you're using Abner Jenkins. Definitely looking forward to seeing how you utilize him. And I like that you're tying in designs for his Beetle suit to Ted's in this manner (I assume). Solid concept.

Really loving your characterization of Ted. Both his total recall memory, as well as observational wit. I also cannot stress enough how much I appreciate that you are fully giving Ted the credit he deserves for his genius intellect. The guy is arguably smarter than Bruce Wayne, and a better inventor, but it's rarely shown in comics because writers have dumb hard-ons for Batman. I know part of his schtick is that he's not often taken seriously by the hero community, but I'm happy you're going this route regardless.

This is an example of first-person narrative that works. Also helps that you're doing present tense. It's interesting how you're blending Ted's POV in with the first-person omniscient style, but it suits what you're doing.

Second Post:

Update: I was wrong. B.E.E.T.L.E. suit and Ted's BB suit not entirely linked. Still cool, though. Disappointed you didn't go all in on the trope-y silliness and name the patent as 833-713 (BEETLE). Regardless, I'm loving the exposition.

Be careful, though, that your sentences don't get too wordy. I don't mean technical jargon, I mean unnecessary, additional words. There's more than a few occasions where you have extra phrases and articles that can cause your writing to become clunky and awkward. And be careful of tautologies. These all relate to syntax and diction choices and are largely solved by reading through your posts out loud. I feel like that's something I'll likely repeat a few times for your review, but it's also a problem you already are aware of. You just need to make the effort to correct it.

Also, nice fast food advertisement reference. I got that.

The Farley Fleeter vs man in green scene got slightly confusing. Wasn't entirely clear who Farley was, nor his significance. Like, why is this weirdly named advertising agent being hired for shady non-advertising business? Obviously some of this you may have wanted to keep unspoiled, but I'd have liked a little more substance here, personally. I don't know, took me out of the scene as I had to reread it, but this particular critique may be entirely me. I am rather dumb.

Using "torch" from an American perspective can be odd, but that's clearly a very minor nitpick. Just something I noticed.

I'd also recommend, in general, spelling out uncomplicated numbers. Sometimes you'll say twenty-six, other times you'll put 6. The former is correct, and maintaining continuity between your forms will keep things fluid and not risk a reader being taken out of the moment. Again, though, relatively minor.

Third Post:

Was the blue writing in the first scene meant to be verbal dialogue? Because there were no quotation marks. Or was this a thought-based tech Kord was using? Oh, wait. Nevermind. You used some funky colors for the quotation marks that weren't visible unless I stuck my face against the monitor or highlighted the line. Please don't do that lol.

Man. That poor A.I. gets no respect.
But, this post was a "good time."

Fourth Post:

Interesting recap. Your wacky omniscient, first-person narrator style is interesting for sure. But it works for what you're doing. I'm enjoying it, at least. Aside from the "(***Again, sorry about the spoilers...***)" bit which I felt took me out of the writing for a moment.

Phew. You went back to non-weird, alternating color schemes. That's a relief.

Multiple lines of separate dialogue from different people in the same paragraph are no bueno. I know you were going for a montage sort of deal in that paragraph, but it never really works out, and it looks jarring and clunky.

When you have such extraordinarily long periods of dialogue, I think you should toss in some exposition here and there. Obviously, you must know this as this is something you have joked about constantly lately, but the point remains. Especially when it comes to segments that aren't just dialogue, but rapid back-and-forths for an extended time. Doesn't even have to be something detailed, just a line or two here and there to break up the monotony.

That being said, I enjoy Ted's banter.

Fifth Post:

Man. Hank sucks at texting.

Similarly to my appreciation of Ted's brilliance being established, I appreciate Pym getting the same treatment. He's the Scientist Supreme in Marvel for a reason, yet his genius is so often overlooked compared to Reed's and Tony's, despite being their equal or even better in some regards.

Not gonna lie, the transitions from bolded yellow to that red for the dialogue made me worry I'd get a headache.

How old are these incarnations of Hank and Janet meant to be? I'm assuming late thirties early forties based on context, but at times I get an old man feel from Hank.

I'm interested in seeing more of your characterization for Hank. At times his awkwardness feels close to being on the spectrum. Curious if you intend to tie that into his quirky brilliance or not.

Sixth Post:

Ted's a good friend. And a good guy. I approve.

Scott Lang name drop and potential Ant-Man shenanigans: check.
Hint at Ultron assistant incoming: check (I think?).
Intriguing me and keeping me interested in the ongoing plot: double check.

I like how you're handling the unhinged Pym dynamic. Keeping Jan worried for what he'll do, but not just going straight wife-beater Pym, which I have always hated. I also appreciate that you're addressing the fact that these discoveries and technologies the comic characters create could be used for legitimate world-wide issues and cure real problems, and not just punch bad guys in the face. I get annoyed by that in comics. So, definitely like that.

I'm not sure if intentional or not, but you keep switching between bolded and regular text for Kord. At first, I thought you were trying to display when he was being louder, but that doesn't seem to be the case judging from his speech before the experiment.

Also, love that Hank, but primarily Jan, figured out Ted's secret after a single outing. Subvert those cliches!



In conclusion, I'm enjoying your story a lot. I like the way you handle the narrative. But, you absolutely need to proofread your stuff before you post. It'll take you much less time reading it out loud beforehand than it does for you to continuously panic then reread through things after the fact. And, also, just keep an eye out for when your dialogue exchanges go too long without breaks of (minor) exposition. Both of those will help maintain your flow.

Good stuff, though, looking forward to the next post! Crossing my fingers Ted shows up to the expo in a meat suit. They've got the bigass bacon all ready for the material.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by Stein
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Stein That's Queen Stein, thank you.

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Alright folks and GM's,

"Building Churches in the Wild," Issue 1/(CS Sample post) of Baal's adventures is now finished. Check it out!

Xoxo
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Roman
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Roman Grumpy Toad, King of Dirt

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Hey everybody! Doc's back!
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Hidden 5 yrs ago 5 yrs ago Post by DocTachyon
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DocTachyon Teenage Neenage Neetle Teetles

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Hey everybody! Doc's back!


GIF doesn't work but uhhhhhhh imagine a butler telling Jack Nicholson that I've always been here
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Ceta de Cloyes
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Ceta de Cloyes Roziphontes

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Real nice Magik post I’m liking the feel of that theme
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Lord Wraith
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Lord Wraith Actually Three Otters in a Trenchcoat

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C H A R A C T E R C O N C E P T P R O P O S A L






P O S T C A T A L O G:

A list linking to your IC posts as they're created. This can be used for a reference guide to your character or to summarize completed arcs and stories.




Baal is accepted!
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