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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Lord Wraith
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Lord Wraith Actually Three Otters in a Trenchcoat

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@Master Bruce Byrd just shared this in the Discord.

And you better freaking be. Glad you still have the ambition to join :P
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mickilennial
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mickilennial is trying to survive

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@Master Bruce Hahaha. I understood that reference.

For who

Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Roman
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@Star Lord Okay, all up to date with Diana and ready to deliver my feedback:

-Pacing and sentence length. Vary it up and alter the flow of your writing. My immediate feedback is just how stilted everything feels. Sentences are around this sort of length. Maybe a bit longer, with a comma haphazardly slapped in the middle. Maybe a bit shorter like this. The uniform sentence length combined with a lack of punctuation really serves to create a sort of monotonous tone to your writing that quickly becomes tiring to plod through. I honestly want to limit your allowed period points per post and see what would happen. Let me refer you to this quote from Gary Provost:

“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety. Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”

Something to dwell on perhaps.

-Proof read your posts. Things like ‘came awake’ instead of ‘woke up’ or ‘awoke’, ‘reminded in the background’ instead of ‘remained’, and ‘ironic armour’ instead of ‘iconic’ really stand out and just slow down the read even more. These kinds of typos are littered throughout all your posts, from 1.1 right the way up to 5.2.

-Your tone is a bit...varied. There’s an interesting Proto-Sokovia Accords/Superhuman Registration Act political arc with the committee passing judgement on Diana, but also this almost cartoonish cabal of mixed-franchise rogues. Aladdin is an...interesting choice for main antagonist. The two plots don’t sit well together side by side. It’s probably better to decide if you like political intrigue or bronze-age heroes vs villains, and lean into that decision, to create a more cohesive and tonally consistent narrative.

-There is a solid plot thread in there - criminalising Diana, destroying her reputation, the history of being the first major active ‘hero’ for the setting, a proto-registration plot, a contemporary look at how the modern world might realistically react to vigilantes/heroes - but ultimately your writing, while technically sound, is artistically dry, and it becomes very drudging to read.

Okay, that's it.


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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mickilennial
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You really like Eric Andre, huh?
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mattmanganon
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mattmanganon Your friendly neighbourhood tyranical dicator

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Hound55
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Hound55 Create-A-Hero RPG GM, Blue Bringer of BWAHAHA!

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Byrd Man
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Byrd Man El Hombre Pájaro

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Retired
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Retired "Hayao Miyazaki"

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Let's not.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mickilennial
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Yeah, I’m just going to say we should move on and not promote this kind of discourse.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Bounce
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Bounce

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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by mickilennial
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mickilennial is trying to survive

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Started to pen the next Kara post. So that'll be soon enough.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Roman
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Roman Grumpy Toad, King of Dirt

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Stuck between catch-up reading the IC and plotting out Constantine for Season 2 at the moment, and still need to outline DareDevil. I’m just bouncing between all three plus work and video games. God my life is hard.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Lord Wraith
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Lord Wraith Actually Three Otters in a Trenchcoat

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Stuck between catch-up reading the IC and plotting out Constantine for Season 2 at the moment, and still need to outline DareDevil. I’m just bouncing between all three plus work and video games. God my life is hard.


#FirstWorldProblems
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Byrd Man
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Stuck between catch-up reading the IC and plotting out Constantine for Season 2 at the moment, and still need to outline DareDevil. I’m just bouncing between all three plus work and video games. God my life is hard.


I feel you, my guy. Just replace video games with wife. A wife is like video games, except more expensive and you never win.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Xandrya
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Xandrya Lone Wolf

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One person is always right in a marriage, the other is the husband.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Stein
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Stein That's Queen Stein, thank you.

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One person is always right in a marriage, the other is the husband.


But, what happens when they're both women?

#inclusivity
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Retired
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If you are one of the people who asked me for a review, please update your post catalog. It saves me considerable time when doing these for you.
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Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Xandrya
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Xandrya Lone Wolf

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<Snipped quote by Xandrya>

But, what happens when they're both women?

#inclusivity


Don't know, never been in a gay marriage 🤷
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Dblade26
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Dblade26

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@Retired

Post catalogue fully updated
Hidden 5 yrs ago Post by Hound55
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Hound55 Create-A-Hero RPG GM, Blue Bringer of BWAHAHA!

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<Snipped quote by Xandrya>

But, what happens when they're both women?

#inclusivity


The one who's losing the biggest current argument is the husband.
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