Ssarak Dyreackthanose and Meirin Kurenai
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~Three Weeks Ago~
Ssarak was in his room, alone, sitting on his bed and staring straight ahead in silence, which he had been doing for at least the past ten minutes. There was a matter that had been on his mind ever since the previous day, when Meirin had finally gone into more detail about the matters that plagued her mind. She had previously told him that she had been the victim of a demon attack, but he had never known the details, nor the extent to which it had affected her. It was the source of her narcolepsy, and her nightmares. Her medicine had been doing an exceptional job of diminishing those symptoms, but recently, it had also been causing harm to her body. It was something that worried Ssarak immensely, and something he did not want to continue. He had been thinking on the issue near constantly that day, and had finally come to a decision on what he was going to do. Most people in Tien had little knowledge of the mind and its ailments, but he was a psychomancer. Just like a vitamancer could heal the body, a psychomancer could heal the mind, and he had improved dramatically since first arriving at the College. He was under no illusion that it would be easy, but he wanted to at least try to identify what was wrong with her. If it could be identified, then it could be treated.
Letting out a deep breath, Ssarak stood up from his bed, walked out of his room, and knocked on Meirin's door.
"Mei, are you there? It is Ssarak."Meirin was sitting at her table studying some motions when she heard a knock and Ssarak's voice. She had a good feeling why he was here; yesterday she had told him more about her home, most importantly the demon attack. It was a traumatic night that even now sends Meirin into a panic attack just thinking about it. The medicine may have helped her sleep, but it doesn't make her forget. She was barely able to get through most of her tale yesterday, but fortunately Ssarak was patient and understanding enough to stay with her that entire night to hear her tale. Knowing how traumatic it was to her, Meirin wasn't surprised that Ssarak was here now, likely to try and help her.
Opening her door Meirin looked at Ssarak. She was dressed in a simple light green robe, the same type she'd wear to sleep.
"Good evening Ssarak. I was just doing some studying. Is there something you need?"Ssarak nodded to Meirin.
"Good evening. Yes, there is, um, something I would like to speak with you about. May I come in?' He asked. She quickly allowed him inside and closed the door behind them while he found a seat. She had no chairs, or even a bed, as she preferred sitting and sleeping on mats on the floor. Although he did visit enough that she had acquired a cushion large enough for him.
"It is good to see you. I have been...thinking, since yesterday." He began, his expression becoming quite obviously nervous.
"I suppose it would be best for me to get directly to my point. I have been thinking about what you told me yesterday about the demon attack, and what it did to you. I know your condition has been confusing and frustrating for you, but as a psychomancer, it is directly a part of my area of study. Ever since I have arrived at the College, I have been studying my blood magic dilligently, taking frequent private lessons. I have been studying the mind non-stop. I am sure you know how a vitamancer can heal injuries and ailments of the body, but in just the same way, a psychomancer can cure ailments of the mind. I want to try to help you. If I cannot cure you, I want to at least try to identify the exact source of the problem."Meirin listened, but part of her didn't quite understand. Yes, Ssarak was skilled with his magic. Not that Meirin knew exactly everything Psychomancy was capable of, but from what she's seen Ssarak seems exceptionally skilled at it. But she didn't think Psychomancy could "heal" her. Her memories werent' like broken bones; he couldn't just set them right, bandage them up, and expect it to get better over time. She told Ssarak what happened so he would understand her. Trying to help her... It made it feel like something was wrong with Meirin.
Maybe there was.
Part of her was afraid of what Ssarak would see. She always trusted him to protect her from other Psychomancers, and she knew he would never abuse his magic with her. But there were many things in Meirin's mind that she wasn't ready for Ssarak to see. Most of them were petty, embarassing things, like the one time she tried and failed to ride a horse or accidentally farted during an important demostration back at home. But some were much more serious, like the first time she killed, a few times she killed innocents, and what exactly she did to those demons. She told Ssarak she killed them. That was... More merciful than what Meirin actually did.
"I... I... I understand, Ssarak. I know what you want to do. So... Bare with me if I'm a bit hesitant. What's been happening to me, these nightmares and my sleeping problem, ever since I came to the college they've haven't been an issue for such a long time. And I liked the peace that brought me. Being able to get a real, whole night's rest is a wonderful thing. Not falling asleep in the middle of the day is great. I told you about what happened to me because I didn't want you to be surprised if you see me take so much medicine, and I didn't want you to worry... Oh, look at me, rambling on and on, stalling."Meirin chuckled softly as she tried to get some humor out of this. She sat down on a cushion across the table from Ssarak. She fiddled with her notes trying to reorganize her thoughts and get to the point.
"I guess... I just wanted to put that all behind me. As long as I keep taking this medicine and don't make things worse, I could live my whole life without worrying about my past. So if you start poking into my head... I don't know what'll happen. I hope nothing bad happens. But I don't know if that'll happen." Ignornace was bliss. One of the cardinal sins that her teachers back at home taught her, but Meirin could see it's appeal. She hasn't done anything beyond eating medicine to deal with her nightmares and narcolepsy. And now that the medicine was starting to not work, Meirin just wanted things to go back to the way they used to when she started using the medicine.
Ssarak understood Meirin's reluctance completely, but that did not mean he was going to give up so easily. He knew that she was afraid, but the effects the medicine had been having on her were not something they could ignore.
"I understand where it is that you are coming from, Mei, but what about how weak the medicine has been making you feel? And the migraines? Your medicine might be helping your problem, but it is obviously taking its toll on your body. You cannot live your life like that; it may have other side effects you do not yet even know about. I just...I want you to be safe; to be healthy. I cannot stand to see you in pain, of any kind."Pausing a moment, Ssarak tried to think of how else he could phrase his proposition. There was hardly any place on Tien where psychomancy did not have some stigma attached to it. Even in his own village, it was mistrusted, and honestly, he could not blame them. But, that meant it was more difficult for him to convince others of the great good that psychomancy could do for them. [color=f7941d]"The mind and body are not as different as you might think. The mind, or at least its inner workings, is not a physical thing that you can see, so it is more...esoteric than the body. But, it can be broken and healed in just the same way. I can assure you that, for now, all I want to do is observe. I promise that I will not try to make any changes to your mind; no altering of memories or emotions. I just want to...diagnose the problem, essentially. I will not force you to relive your memories, or anything of that nature. You could even continue studying while I work. [b]If[/i] I manage to identify what is causing your narcolepsy, and nightmares, then we could talk about treating it. As usual, I will not do anything you do not agree to, so if we determine that the required treatment is something you would not want, you will not have to go through with it."[/color] He explained.
Meirin wanted to just say yes and get it over with, but she hesitated. She just felt so... Uncertain. She knew nothing about Psychomancy and always relied on Ssarak to protect her. But for some reason she just couldn't feel comfortable with letting him root through her mind. Again, mostly to keep him from seeing the memories she doesn't want him to see. But another part of her also doubted Ssarak. She worried that he would do something he can't fix. And what would they do if that happened? Meirin didn't know.
Her eyes started to get heavy and she knew that ti was almost time for her to take her medicine again. It was barely sundown, so she shouldn't be getting ready to sleep just yet. But she also had an idea.
"How about... I go to sleep, and you can look into my mind? That way I won't disturb your by thinking anything in your way." Again Meirin had no idea how exactly Psychomancy worked or even what Ssarak was going to do, but surely being asleep during the operation should make it easier on her. At least this way she wouldn't have to try not to think about all the horrible stuff she doesn't want to remember. And if she has a nightmare, maybe Ssarak could save her within the dream?
Ssarak nodded.
"I could do that, yes. Though, I will not be searching through your surface thoughts, so anything you are thinking would not matter. But, if it makes you more comfortable to be asleep, I can accommodate that request. I would not need to do anything relating to your dreams, so I can promise that I would not disturb them. For now, I would just be searching your memories, and the emotions connected to them."Ssarak's expression briefly became more uncomfortable, and he shifted slightly in place. He was only going to be reading her mind, so he was certain that he had no chance of actually harming her, but there was another concern relating to her memories themselves.
"There is just...one matter. Something I want to make sure you understand before I begin. I am only interested in reading through the parts of your mind relating to the attack to search for the source of your narcolepsy. I know I will be able to find those memories, but I do not have quite the mastery to guarantee that those will be the only memories I find. I will have to search through your mind to find what I am looking for, so I could accidentally stumble upon any of your memories, thoughts, opinions. I know there is likely information in your mind you would rather me not know; everyone has secrets, and everyone has the right to have them. But, it is possible that I could learn them without intending it. I understand if you say no, but I promise that, no matter what I find, I will not judge you. I love you for who you are, flaws included, and after all I have done in my past, I have no right to judge anyone."At least Ssarak was honest about it.
Meirin was starting to have second thoughts about this whole thing. She loved Ssarak, but she worried that if he knew some of the things she did, that may change something. He may learn something that he can't just forgive and forget. Toying with her notes again Meirin stood up and went over to Ssarak. She wasn't going to back down now, but she would make herself comfortable. She sat in Ssarak's lap and laid her head against his chest.
"Alright. I do have secrets, so please just... Let me lay here. Everything should be fine, right?"Ssarak ran one hand through Meirin's hair and kissed the top of her head.
"Everything will be fine. I am going to do my best to avoid your secrets, but...I know you, I love you, and I do not believe there is anything in your mind that could ever change that. I appreciate your trust, and if there is anything you ever want to know about me, I will tell you. Nothing held back. Just try to relax and rest. Again, I promise to stay out of your dreams. I will wake you once I am done." As he answered, Ssarak began to give her a gentle back rub with his free hand to hopefully help her relax.
Meirin smiled and got comfortable. As Ssarak rubbed her with his free hand, she reached out to hold his hand. It wasn't long before she fell asleep and started to snore lightly as she leaned against his chest. So sure enough whenever Ssarak would look into her mind, it looked like a chaotic mess of memories, thoughts, opinions, and other mental notes. Almost all of it would make no sense to Ssarak without context, and even what few did seem random. One of the more organized things he'd find is a list of her pet peeves, things like eating seeds in her fruit, or how the sun shines off her window and into her eyes, and most importantly the fact she hates tomatoes. Just everything about them.
Another thing that might have caught his attention were her thoughts about others. Despite her appearance as a kind, honest girl, Meirin had spread her fair share of gossip. She made a rumor about the ellict affair between one of the teachers and a vampire student, purposely keeping the details vague so she could deny mentioning anyone, but giving enough to let others fill in the blank. There was also an opinion board about some of the other students. People like Alaira and Annabeth annoyed her the most; they both acted to high and mighty despite having crippling problems that makes than worse than useless, to the point that for all their talk they're just faux action girls. This opinion board also showed that she had an odd attraction to people like Khan, Darius, and Ovak. There was no reason why, they were just on her list.
More to the point, Ssarak may find Meirin's dislike for Baulder and Colette, not for any personal reason, but because they're demonomancers. And Meirin hated demons. If Ssarak followed this train of thoughts than he'll surely find the source of her hatred. It would take him somewhere unfamiliar, on a stormy night. It was so dark that the only light that came were from flashes of lightning from the skies, some hitting close enough to cause some of the trees near by to catch on fire.
Ssarak's journey through Meirin's mind had taken him on an interesting journey. He had hoped to find the relevant memories right away, but he had no point of reference from which to start. Just as he had feared, he had to sift through unrelated memories and emotions. For the most part, they were simple, mundane tidbits of her personality that had simply never come up in conversation before. Although, some of what he discovered about her opinions of others was interesting, surprising, or just outright confusing. But, anything he learned about them was rendered unimportant when he stumbled onto Meirin's opinions on himself. It was a part of her mind that he would have liked to dwell on for the remainder of the night if he could, and it actually took a good deal of willpower for him to move on from it. However, once he reminded himself of why he was doing this to begin with, it was easy for him to focus on the task at hand. What he was doing was for Meirin's health.
It was through Meirin's thoughts on demonomancy that Ssarak finally found his way to the memory he was seeking. Demonomancy led him to one of the strongest of emotions: hatred. And that hatred he could follow all the way through to its source. He knew almost as soon as he saw the scene that he was witnessing Mei's memories of the demon attack. The storm made the scene as ominous as Meirin had described it, though Ssarak knew better than to take all the details at face value. Sometimes, time could alter a person's recollection of their own memories. Their biases and emotions could make alterations to the details that could compound with one another over time. If he wanted to get the truest recollection possible, he would have to dig deeper into the memories of her perceptions themselves. For now, however, he wanted to see the event as she remembered it. It was a sudden event, the demons appearing at the monestary. First there were the screams, and sounds of fighting outside. Then, the masters desparately gathering up the other artists to defend their home. It was a horrifying kind of chaos that Ssarak had the misfortune of being familiar with. Given that he was essentially "reliving" Meirin's memory, complete with the emotions it brought her, this was not going to be a pleasant experience. But, for her sake, he had to get through it.
"Mei go find the others! Hurry!"A voice called out into the darkness, and between the flashes of lightning and the flames roaring from the buildings, a familiar streak of red hair dashed from the corner of Ssarak's eyes. It was Meirin, younger than she was now. She looked barely an adult, more of a large child. She had a spear in her hand and a sword at her waist. Blood and bruises decorated her arms and face, and there was a look in her eyes... Panic, fear, outrage. This was her first battle against demon kind, and it was unlike anything she's faced before. Meirin ran through the halls only to confront a massive beast who seemed larger than the hall she found him in. He was an absolute colossus, and Meirin did not bother to fight it. She ran away.
Meirin continued to run until she found other artists. They too were armed, a few wounded, but they were still combat capable. Meirin ran up to these people and begged them for help.
"We have to hurry! The masters won't be able to hold the gate for long!""We know child, we must hurry. But we have found the source of the demons, and we must stop them before we are overwhelmed.""I can go, I'm strong!""No! You cannot, this is no game girl! You must stay here and protect the others, and we will deal with the demon horde!"The other artist left without gtiving Meirin a chance to argue, and a new feeling swelled up within her. One of the most tainted and dangerous feelings a person could have: Pride. She felt her personal pride was damaged when they called her weak. She was their best student; an equal to some of the masters themselves. If they were going to fight here, then Meirin could go and find the demons. Besides, one person could sneak passed them far more easily than a larger group.
These emotions from the memories awakened something inside Meirin in the real world. She started to squirm and murmer gibberish. But something was wrong. She gripped Ssarak's hand tightly, almost painfully, as if she was trying to physically stop her dream. But the dream continued, with Meirin eventually finding a group of childen. Many were still infants, and only a few close to her age.
"Stay here, and don't leave! The masters will protect you. I will be back after everything is safe."It was that precise moment that Meirin started to act more violently. For starters, she started twisting Ssarak's hand so hard that she was liable to break his fingers. Then she started sobbing and speaking louder.
"You can't... Don't leave... Listen..."Even as he was reading into Meirin's mind, Ssarak was still aware of the outside world, at least partially. He felt her hand tighten around his own, to the point that he had to put up some resistance to prevent her from accidentally bending back his fingers. And of course, he could hear the words she spoke in her sleep. They almost seemed to fit with the context of the memories he was reading, but that did not exactly make sense to him. All he was doing was reading those deep memories, not altering them, or doing anything actively to her mind. He was essentially a passive observer, so nothing he was doing should have been influencing her more conscious thoughts. Or, in this case, her dreams. He was not reading into her dreams, so he did not know for sure what she was seeing, but he could gather that it was not pleasant. Though, there was the fact that she had been thinking about her painful memories in the moments before she fell asleep. She knew what Ssarak was planning to do, so thinking about her experiences before falling asleep may have inspired nightmares on the topic. If Ssarak did not find what he was looking for before she awoke, he would need to think of a way to prevent it from happening in the future. He had promised not to interfere with her dreams, so for now, he tried to subconsciously sooth her mind by rubbing her back gently while he continued to read through her memory until such a time as she was fully awake. The demon attack had, so far, been as terrible as it had been described to him, and it seemed like Meirin may have made some choices she now regretted.
Meirin remembered so much fighting. She thought she could sneak around the back of the monestary, but there were demons there too, and far less defenders than the courtyard. Meirin charged into battle thinking she could help, but one by one she saw each one of her fellow artists, strong and wise, get torn apart by the monsters. She killed maybe one or two, but around her she was surrounded by the corpses of her fellow teachers. And she... Ran away. She couldn't fight them. She wasn't going to win. Meirin had to survive, find out where these demons were coming from.
In the real world Meirin started sweating and squriming in her sleep. She didn't say anything ligable, she was just struggling now. The crying became louder, and now it seemed like Meirin was trying to fight even in her sleep. Her grip became firmer and her body began rigid, as if she was expecting to get hit.
Back in her memory, Meirin saw so many demons in her home. She tried to fight them, she really did. But it was a miracle that she didn't die. Even when she stabbed one in the eye, it just broke her spear and laughed at her. Just laughed, didn't even attack her. It didn't think she could stop him. Meirin was scared and panicing. She heard people call out to her for help, her friends dying around her. She was scared and didn't know what to do. She just kept running, trying to find an enemy she could defeat.
She ran through the forest. Meirin didn't look back, but the monestary was far behind her. She told herself she was trying to find where the demons came from, but to outsiders it looked like she was running away. They weren't wrong. The forest was dark, and even the trees were replaced with pillars of blackness. Meirin went from running through the forest to swimming through a pitch blackness, which dragged her under and seemed to suffocate her. And despite how strange that seemed, to Ssarak this was exactly what happened to Meirin, or at least how she saw it. The darkness wasn't quite water, but more like mud. Thick, fluid, and heavy. It slammed her against rocks as it dragged her further down into the unknown.
And at this point Meirin woke up.
Ssarak could not say that he did not expect what he saw in Meirin's memories, but that did not make it any less traumatic to watch. He had experienced the memories as if he were her, so he could feel her pain. Normally, he could dissociate the emotions of someone whose mind he was reading from his own, but in this case, it reminded him all too much of the destruction of his own village. He had not been present for that attack, but witnessing the aftermatch was just as horrifying. It made it exceedingly difficult for him to continue reading through her memories, but nevertheless, he did learn something. It was obvious that the demon attack was the root cause of her issues, though he had not found the actual part of her mind causing her narcolepsy. The memories would likely lead him to it, in time. Unfortunately, her memories, like those of many who experienced trauma, were potentially flawed. Time and emotion had likely warped them, so to learn exactly what happened as she had experienced it, he would need to read into her raw perceptions of the moment. But, that was something to worry about later. For now, Mei was awake.
As soon as Meirin opened her eyes, Ssarak rubbed the back of her head gently.
"You were...shifting around as you slept. Struggling. Did you have a nightmare?""Yes, I... I don't remember." Meirin tried to rack her brain for what her nightmare was about, but she didn't know. It was just horrible. She leaned into Ssarak's chest, wiping away the tears from her eyes.
"I... I think it had something to do with you. All these nightmares have you in them. I don't know why or what happened, but you're always in them. Did you see them?" Meirin's dream was not related to the memory Ssarak saw at all.
Ssarak shook his head.
"No, I did not want to intrude into your dreams. I was already having to sift through your memories, and...I wanted to leave whatever I could private. But, it does make sense that your dreams would include me. People tend to dream about the things they care about; I will admit that many of my dreams include you. I only wish that I could stop your dreams from being nightmares."Lowering his head, Ssarak sighed regretfully. He had hoped that, after he was done, he would be able to tell Meirin exactly what was wrong with her and how they could treat it. But, he had known that was not all too likely.
"I found the memory I was looking for. The memory of the attack. It...did not give me all of the answers, but I believe I will be able to follow it to them. There are many branches of memories and emotions stemming from that event, and something among them may be the source of your troubles. But, I am worried that the fact you were thinking about your troubles before you fell asleep may have inspired your nightmare, or at least put your mind in the state to have one. If you ever want to try again, I hope to find a way to prevent that."Shivvering, Meirin pulled herself away from Ssarak and laid down on her bedroll. She was glad that Ssarak was helping, but she couldn't help but feel detached. This whole thing just seemed like a bad idea and frankly, rather embrassing. It just felt silly to her to have Ssarak look into her mind and try and find her truama. Like taking an obviously faulty "traditional" cure. Meirin wasn't even certain if she cared about her nightmares anymore. She was just tired now.
"Yeah... Could you pass me the box on my table?" On Meirin's table was a small box, barely bigger than the book next to it. Inside it contained Meirin's medicine. The white ones were for the day, and the blue ones for night. She didn't have many blue ones left.
"Sure." Ssarak answered simply, reaching over to her table and collecting the box she asked for. He did not know what it contained, but he did have an inkling of what it could be. He placed the box down next to her on the bedroll, then sat down beside her.
"I did not expect it would be easy, but I did at least make progress. I will admit, I have never heard of a traumatic event causing narcolepsy before. The nightmares are consistent, but narcolepsy...I do not know. I have to wonder if there is something else; perhaps a head injury? Memories can become...corrupted over time. It happens to everyone, even for mundane memories. Luckily, psychomancers are capable of reading into the raw perceptions associated with a memory. We can witness exactly what you saw, heard, experienced in the moment. It is possible I may be able to uncover something you do not remember. Of course, I would not want to do that right now. You look tired, and that was not a...pleasant experience for me either. I...I am so sorry for what you had to go through. You did not deserve that kind of pain, not someone as wonderful as you."Meirin was quiet. She opened the box and grabbed a small handful of blue pills, swallowing them without a moment's hesitation. The way Ssarak spoke about her problems made Meirin feel like she had done something wrong. Which she did, technically, but it wasn't encouraging. As if she should know what the source of her problems were. She knew that Ssarak didn't mean that, but that's what Meirin felt.
"I am a martial artist. Maybe I got hit in the head too many times."Ssarak started to apologize, but this seemed to have the oppisite effect of making Meirin feel better. In fact, it made her angry.
"No, I do! You know what happened! I left the children behind to be a hero, and I didn't save anyone! They all died because I was so busy trying to fight demons that I didn't even think that maybe, just maybe, those kids needed someone to watch over them. That someone should have stayed behind to take them somewhere safe. Wonderful, please. I call myself a warrior but I can't even kill one measly demon without people dying for me. Wonderful... I'm not wonderful..." Meirin pulled the blanket over her head and closed herself off from the outside world. She just wanted to close her eyes and drift away. Far away, where nothing from her past would find her.
Ssarak allowed for Meirin to vent her rage without interruption. Having just experienced her emotions firsthand, he knew how she was feeling, so he also knew not to attempt to placate her with the standard reassurances about her mistakes.
"Meirin...I am not going to lie to you, or try to convince you that you made the right choice. Nor will I try to speculate on what might have happened had you done something different. It is possible that you may have been able to help the children, or the demons may have just killed you too. But whether or not it was a mistake, that does not diminish who you are now. As you said, I witnessed your memory myself, but it was not as if I was simply observing it through a window. I felt your memory. I saw the chaos when you ran out of the monestary, I heard the screams, and the shouts of the demons. I felt the blood, and the rain, and the...sores on your feet that you ignored as you ran. And I felt the pain, the regret that surrounds it all. You can believe me when I say that I understand what you are feeling. I wish I could make it all disappear, but I do not know if I yet have the skill to remove that pain."Reaching down, Ssarak placed his hand softly around her shoulder. He did not pull back the blanket, but he wanted her to feel his presence.
"I cannot erase all of that, but I can say is that you ARE wonderful. You know what happened, you know your mistakes, and you have done something about it. You have made a change in your life; dedicated yourself to something greater. You are working towards the safety of every man, woman, and child in Tien, and I know you have the strength to press on. During that attack, you were confused, frightened. Your mind was stressed beyond the breaking point of any normal person. In that kind of a situation, no one can blame you for those mistakes. You had not been trained for that, and near anyone else forced into the same situation would have fared just the same. I am not asking you to forget what happened or what you did, just...try to remember the person you have become."Once more Meirin was quiet. She didn't want to argue right now. She just curled up tighter underneath the blanket and tried to go to sleep, but her eyes were getting too puffy from the tears and she was just feeling bad in general. She was both thankful for Ssarak's kind words and angry that he still thought she had any redeeming quality about herself. She didn't consider her success to mean anything, knowing that she screwed up once in her life. It was foolish, she knows that, but her emotions weren't being rational right now.
For the longest time it seemed like Meirin had fallen asleep. But even after an hour, Meirin wasn't asleep. She was just laying there trying, but she just wasn't comfortable. Every time she thought she was about to drift away she remembered the looks on the children's corpses and it shocked her back to reality. She wanted to ask Ssarak to use a spell to make her fall asleep, but she wasn't even sure if Ssarak was still here. She had been underneath the blanket this entire time.
Though he said no more, Ssarak had not left. In fact, he had hardly moved from where he was sitting. He just kept his hand resting lightly on her, entranced into his own thoughts. He went through his mind pondering every angle of the situation he could think of; anything he could say or do that might give her even a small amount of comfort. In the meantime, he did not intend to budge from where he was. He wanted to stay there to comfort her, even if it meant he would be sitting in the same spot the entire night. He would eventually fall asleep, but would still not leave her side.
---
Eventually Meirin started to stir. She didn't know how much time passed, but it was now night time. She wasn't able to sleep at all. She was going to get up and get a drink of water when she noticed that Ssarak was still here. He was sitting right next to her bedroll, his hand just inches away from her back as she slept. A small smile emerged on her face.
"You... Silly dragon. How long are you just going to sit there?" Meirin said quietly. She went to get the two of them a cup of water, sitting back at her table. She felt too hot to go back to bed and needed to cool off.
Ssarak had been locked into his own thoughts long enough that he almost did not notice when Meirin awoke. He had stood up one or twice just to move his legs, but he lever left the room, and for the most part, he was right by her side. Once she was finally conscious, he smiled warmly.
"Well, I told myself I was going to stay until I saw you smile, but I think I can still stay for a while longer."Standing to his feet, Ssarak stretched out his muscles as Meirin grabbed them some water.
"I just wanted to be here for you. I wanted you to know that you are not alone, and as long as I am here, you are never going to be alone. Metaphorically speaking, of course. I will leave this room eventually." He explained, adding a grin.
Meirin didn't have anything to say. Right now, there wasn't really anything she wanted to say. Everything was just... So much. It was a lot to take in all at once. So Meirin just sipped her water in silence. Eventually she did speak up.
"I... I want to try this again. Not right now, maybe not anytime soon, but... But I want awnsers too." Finsihing her cup of water, Meirin used a simple weaving motion to draw more water into her cup without even standing up.
"I... I guess part of me feels like I don't deserve that, and that I should be punished for... What I did. But that's just an excuse, I beleive. A reason for me to forget and just accept things as they are. It just seemed so much easier to give up and live with that guilt, accepting it as her punishment and never challenging it. But you're right. I did everything I could, maybe not the best things, but.... I did what felt was right. And I do need to learn from my mistakes. Which is why I can't let these nightmares control my life anymore. They'll just keep making the same problems over and over again."After her little speech Meirin stood up and hugged Ssarak. There was nothing more to be said; she just wanted to hold and be held by Ssarak until she felt comfortable enough to fall back asleep. It was the dead of night afterall, and it's not like she had anything too important to do. Perhaps she could go and meet up with Khan, maybe Ssarak could talk some sense into the old eysire.
It seemed that Meirin's rest had been enough for her mind to settle from the rather severe emotions she had experienced before, though for now, he was content to let the matter rest. It was a sensitive topic for her, of that there was no doubt, and if they dwelled on it too long, her mind could spiral back into the same memories as before. He would make the time to help her whenever she felt she was ready. For now, he hugged her as tightly as was comfortable. He wrapped his wings around her, which essentially engulfed her entirely in his embrace. For Ssarak, it could make it seem as if there was nothing else but himself and Mei, at least for a moment.
"I will do everything I am able." Ssarak said simply, to both acknowledge her, and move on from the potentially uncomfortable topic.
Ssarak still wished to talk, but this time about something that had put him in a much brighter mood.
"Now, I believe you will be glad to know that I did not learn anything particularly embarrassing about you while I was sifting through your other memories. At least, nothing that I would think you should find embarrassing. I do not actually know what you think of those memories, as I did not read your opinions of...your own opinions."Meirin chuckled, though she was curious about what Ssarak figured out. Dependong on what he said, she may or may not kick him out of her room, at least for tonight.
"Oh? Then tell me, oh mighty mind reader, what are your opinions of my opinions?""Very well, I just hope your opinion of my opinons of your opinions is a positive opinion." Ssarak grinned.
"I learned some small things. You find seeds in fruit annoying, which, by the way, I agree with completely. The glare from your window is irritating, and based on some of the people you find attractive, you seem to have a particular liking for Esyire. Although, I did not need psychomancy to figure that out. You are currently romancing a...young, handsome male Esyire, after all." He chuckled, at which point another thought came to his mind, for which he had to suppress a grin.
Suddenly, Ssarak's expression became more serious.
"Though, there is one piece of information I learned that surprised me. I honestly do not think I will be able to look at you the same again. You..." He began, giving an intentional pause. Although, he was careful not to let her worry for more than a few seconds.
"...do not like tomatoes. I mean, I will admit they are not as good as something like a steak, but for a fruit, I think they are rather good. Sweet, juicy, and you can eat them in a single bite. Well, I can. Honestly, I do not think I can look at you right now." Ssarak raised up his head in an exaggerated outrage, but he was smiling the entire time. He simply could not keep a straight face.
Meirin continue to smirk at Ssarak's observation of her memories.
"The seeds get in the way of enjoying perfectly good fruit. Like melon seeds." She didn't mention anything about her attraction to Eysires, though she hoped that Ssarak didn't find her... Latent fantasies about Ovak. For an ancient old man, he still had a certain charm about him. Meirin felt a bit dirty just thinking about it.
When Ssarak became serious Meirin was legitimately worried. She didn't even have a clue what exactly Ssarak was thinking about, only that she was frighten. Until he told her that he found out she didn't like tomatoes, which earned him a playful, if a bit strong, elbow to his ribs.
"You'd hate tomatoes too if you spent two seasons harvesting and living off of them. My teachers may have taught me to enjoy the fruit of my labor, but I like to have some vareity in my life. Nothing but tomato soup for two whole years. Two. Whole. Years."Ssarak continued to pretend to be ashamed of Meirin, refusing to look at her. She stood up so now she looked down at Ssarak's face, holding his head up so he wouldn't try to turn his head away. Meirin and Ssarak played around for a short while before Meirin leaned in to kiss him, trying to catch him by surprise.
Ssarak would have started laughing with Meirin's brief rant on tomatoes, had he not been already. She did surprise him with her kiss, causing his eyes to widen briefly. Though, it was a well received surprise. Looking up at her from where he was seated, he stared up into her eyes in complete silence for a few seconds. Once again, his expression became more serious, but in a much less negative way than when he had been acting before. Instead, his expression became warm and thoughtful.
"There were...other memories I came across. Well, more of thoughts. Opinions. It was your opinions of some of the others we know that eventually led me to the memory I was seeking. But, before that, I came across some of your opinions on...me" Ssarak explained, at which point he almost seemed like he was becoming choked up, and he gave a very soft smile.
"You love me. I've known that for a long time, and I have always trusted you when you told it to me. But...I did not just read thoughts telling me your feelings, I felt your feelings. It is difficult to describe in words what it is like .To feel in your own mind the love that another holds for you. I wish there was a way I could show to you everything I feel for you, in the same way I saw it in your mind." By this point, Ssarak's hands were actually subtly shaking and tears formed in his eyes, though he did not break eye contact.
"You are simply wonderful."Meirin's mouth was tightly sealed as her eyes were locked onto Ssarak's own, her ears listening to his ever word. These feelings she had for him were new and confusing to her. She couldn't describe how she felt for him because there was nothing that could compare. All the words she knew couldn't do it justice. Meirin has always been a woman of action, and romantic word play just wasn't her forte.
Kneeling down to his level, Meirin took Ssarak's hands into her own, holding them to her face. She reached out to wipe away his tears before giving him a light peck on the nose.
"Then let us speak no more words. Now, we will show eachother our love."Again, Ssarak was surprised. He had not expected her words, and he could not help but to wonder if her meaning was as they implied. It was tempting to reach once more into her mind and see her thoughts for himself, but he refrained from doing so. Her meaning would become quite clear in short order, he imagined. Wrapping his arms tightly around her, he pulled her close, and into another kiss, holding her in an embrace with more passion and energy than he ever had before.
Pushing her body forward into ssarak, Meirin met his kiss with her own, falling on top of him as Ssarak fell back onto her bedroll. Her hands wrapped around Ssaraks' body to hold their bodies together, feeling the warmth of each other against their skins. While she had kissed Ssarak before, they were always just quick pecks on the lips, or occasionally a longer embrace that last a few seconds. But right now had more passion, more fire, and thus gave more to Ssarak. As they laid there, Meirin eventually pulled herself out from Ssarak's grasp, only to undo her night gown. Without it her body was completely exposed and bare for Ssarak to see.
Given the culture of Ssarak’s upbringing, it was not the sight of Meirin herself that caused his heart to race out of his chest, but the meaning behind it. That day, she had shown complete and total trust for him by allowing him into her mind. Emotionally, she had laid herself bare for him, as she was now doing physically. There had once been a time when he had pondered what complications might arise in their relationship due to their physical differences; however, there was no longer a single doubt in his mind. As Meirin cast aside her nightgown, Ssarak was quick to undress in turn. Then, there was another hug between them.
Then, a kiss.
~Present~
Ssarak gave Meirin an understanding nod. Being that it was her homeland, he trusted her advice when it came to surviving in Djarkel. He hardly even had experience with the cold itself, let alone the dangers that might come with it. Indeed, he would be trusting her for quite a lot over the next few weeks in terms of Djarkel’s customs and any challenges they might face. He knew very well the trust she held for him, and that was something he intended to reciprocate.
When Meirin called over Lyn, Ssarak gave the girl a similar smile as Mei. He saw that Lyn had entered with Tyrael, and that she had brought him along, but for the moment, he decided not to pay too close of attention to him. He knew that Mei disliked the Demonomancer, and after what happened in the catacombs, Ssarak could not say he was fond of him himself. He acknowledged that Tyrael was a necessary ally, but he could not grant him any trust.
Despite his thoughts, Ssarak remained upbeat towards Lyn.
”Are you sure that is not a little ambitious? You might be Naga, but I think that is more than you can swallow.” He teased.