Post edit: So, I'll assume I still have control of Viola/Speedrunner until a GM/Co-GM tells me otherwise. Also, maybe there was someone that had entered the apartment while Wisp ran after the car, then tell me so. I'll just edit my post to there, then. The post as it is right now is simply how it will be if nothing interrupts her from otherwise doing so. If something prohibits that entire post from happening, yeah. I'll adapt to it. Like, if for example, Viola wasn't even in there. That works too. Yupp.
And, if there's nothing to say to it on the end there, I could just go ahead and write-in more details in the end, as if she actually finds somewhere to stay the next order of business will be to hunt down the den of the Rockers, somehow. Heh.
I pronounce Dubhloach as a combination of “Dublin” and “roach”. That is, first part of Dublin, but remove the last pronunciation and use the l in place of the r in “roach”. Ignore the h. Dubloach. Written as Dubhloach. No particular offense to Dublin meant, Dubhloach’s a Gaelic name that means “dark hero” according to the internet. Sooo, yupp. Haha.
Alright. Now, then. Responding to reviews.
The first thing that stood out to me about this story was the fantastic characterization. You took your time with the writing, meandering through Estella's personal life and blending it well with the developing intrigue. I felt I had a solid understanding of the peripheral characters as well; Gordana, Pamela, Lartius and the rest.
Your details and exposition were also deftly handled. My only negative comment is that I couldn't really bring myself to root for the protagonist. Hell, maybe I wasn't supposed to, but for some reason that connection just never formed.
Besides that, you've got a strong, original story here. I'd love to know more of the lore.
Actually, first I just want to know: how do you pronounce "Dubhloach?"
Thank you. I’m happy you find the characterization fantastic. It is the part of the entry that I am the most proud of. My exposition has been criticized in the past, I’m happy you found it nicely handled. But, yeah, you’re right about that Estella never really did anything to make herself rooted for. That was something which I worried about when writing, but alas, I did start writing a bit too late and I wrote the entry as I had it in mind. She’s no hero, really. Just someone a bunch of things happened to who’s trying to make her way in the world. Haha. But, yeah, I need to consider how to make characters likable. Hah.
Thank you, once again.
I hereby second the question brought up by our distinguished reviewer, Silver. How do you pronounce 'Dubhloach'?
Speaking of names, Estella, Gordana, Lartius... I loved them, all unique choices fitting for a fantasy read.
Perhaps this was a little too, melodramatic? Hm, maybe. Sometimes reactions felt a little exaggerated, but at the same time not so much. I love all things Braveheart, Titanic, and Gone With The Wind and melodrama are those films' MIDDLE NAMES. So, don't pay too much attention to this as a critique as much is it is an observation wondering how to portray things in a way that connects the readers better so that they're thinking the reactions are more in the line of how people react.
Like, when Gordana gets stabbed. That was brilliant. Everything about that scene felt right and horrifying and confusing and spilled out numerous questions that satisfied me as a reader going forward.
A note on action writing and tone: "The ground itself shook as the heavy boulders planted themselves into the gravel of the plaza."
This is meant to be intense, fast, bam-bam, shaking us as witnesses.
As a potentially better way to write it (I've added brackets for potential additions if you want Estella's first person view incorporated).
"The ground shook [beneath my feet], and heavy boulders smashed into the dirt. Upon impact, the gravel heaved into the air and like a volley of arrows, rained across the plaza."
Anyway, just a suggestion. Onward I go. I would like to know more of the lore surrounding Dubhloach and the nature of these dark powers. As it is, for the short story, you retain the air of mystery and foreboding around them which is an excellent decision. Always keep the reader in the dark and then sprinkle a few answers moving forward, and also add questions. I feel you successfully accomplished that with your ending's revelation.
In the end, I feel this suffers the same problems as 'A Reason To Go On'. Not long enough because there's a lot of tale to tell here. I could never quite become on the side of the protagonist or anyone else because we didn't spend enough time with them or learning their suffering. We are told that Estella suffers after the murder incident, but we never get to see it, and that's a place where more detail should be focused upon so we can sympathize with her. She's a simple server, not the highest person in the social order, so it must be even worse considering her upbringing that people treat her poorly.
But you've got my interest, and your writing always improves. There's a fascinating tale here about a girl who suddenly receives dark powers, and I wonder what she will do or not do with them, or even if she will be able to truly be incapable of using them.
So many questions have arisen! Good work, Platinum, I had fun with this.
Melodramatic, eh. Heh. The last thing I want is for my characters to not be expressive enough, but maybe I should check so that I don’t go too far in the other direction as well. Hm. I’ll keep it in mind. I’m happy you found the stabbing scene brilliant, teh-heh. And, yupp. Actually searching for existing names on the internet that sound authentic yet mystic by googling words I want their names to mean and then scrolling lists appears to have paid off. I’m happy it did~
Good point on the action. I’m going to see if I can be a bit more colorful. Intense, eh. Alright. I did write this on a bit of a time-limit due to having started writing fairly late, my own fault on that, so, yeah. I did have to cut the suffering short to get to the relevant parts, and that’s maybe not optimal, but at the same time I struggled with that whatever I wrote at that part wouldn’t be furthering the story, yet it’s needed, and… Hah. So, learn to somehow connect to the reader in a shorter amount of time. Got it. I’ll consider it. Haha.
I’m happy you had fun~ Thank you. The entry was mostly me experimenting with the first-person perspective because of something I read recently. But, yes. It was meant to make the reader ask questions, and end up… somewhat unclear. And so it appears to have~ Thank you for the review. I’ll keep it in mind for whatever I do next. I seek to improve even further.
This one gave me a bit of a chill. At first, I had thought Dubhloach was using her body as some kind of vessel; where he worked his powers through her body, his will still intact, and she had no idea. But the ending was unsettling—the powers were hers? And on top of that, she decided not to say anything to anyone about it… And the story still begs the question, did Estella really want Gordana to die? Hrm. Quite an interesting little tale you’ve spun. I liked how you executed it, and your writing ability continues to impress me, along with your always-original ideas. All in all, an original story, a chilling end, and a great entry. Good job!
Hm-hm-hm-hm-hmmm~ Did she really want Gordana to die? … Did she really? ... Who knows~
I’m happy to have been able to provide a chill. I wasn’t sure I would be able to provide that with my -what I perceive to be- stoic writing, so your first statement put a big smile on my face. And, about that… who’s to say he can’t be in there, will intact, yet providing Estella with his powers through some form of connection? Hahaha… So many possibilities. Only one correct one. I’m not confirming or denying anything, doing so would be out-of-spirit with the entry. Haha. Anyways. Thank you for the praise. I’m happy. Now I’ll go dance along to whatever I do next. Haha~
And now, responding to responses to my reviews and such.
@WiseDragonGirl Alright. I see. Yeah, I kind of understand how he was thinking. Yeah... it remains odd. Haha. Anyways. Nicely done.
@Gutshot Yeah, uh, most of those references went completely over my head. Not sure my review is among the "in-depth" ones... XD ... But nicely done, condensing that. If only I was more read up on Norse mythology. Hah.
@DepressedSoviet Yupp. I see what you were going for, and you reached that, I believe. I don't have much more to add to that. Nicely done.
@Silver Acknowledged on all that. You're welcome for the insight. And hey, seems like it payed off. Congratulations. Haha.
I could have, like, posted again after some more conversation, but I kind of felt not enough people had spoken out for me to speak again. So I was waiting for more people to talk. But if they're not going to talk, then I'll be slightly disappointed, but we could go, yeah.
@Delta44 Heh. Alright. I've provided somewhere to start, at the very least. As for what follows... we'll see. Haha. Nicely posted. ... And sure, the Pokédex appears to have a touch-screen, so why the heck not. It now has a notepad something somewhere in it, 'cause why not. Haha.
@Joshua Tamashii Awww, haha. They were just childishly playing. Though, yes, they did scare #4 somewhat. Haha. Nicely posted. I'll see what I'll have them respond with.
@Pikmin Eye And yupp, nicely posted. That does feel like the most sensible action. We'll see if it pays off.
I @vote for "Of Oaths and War", for a spectacularly shaped lore within an entries, the stories as well as the pasts of those involved. It was all very intriguing, gave it all depth. I like that.
So. My yesterday was stolen away from me by a party. In any case. I shall make up for this.
@Eklispe Nicely posted. Yupp, we're keeping this going.
@Delta44 Alright. Nicely posted. I've got something for you.
@Rune_Alchemist Nicely posted. Sorry about that. Haha. But, well, she can give some pointers.
@Pink Madness And nicely posted. However, I will note, there's no harsh sunlight right now. That only occurs in deserts or from Sunny Day. So, Rosa won't have a speed bonus. Still, you're handling fine. Haha.
@Pikmin Eye Gosh. Yupp. Nicely posted. Now I'm interested to see what you do.
@Iatos As all of these people are moving on their own... I'm quite satisfied with this number of players, I'm afraid. I'll put you on the waiting list just in case someone drops out, though, if you want me to.
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