Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Frizan
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Frizan Free From This Backwater Hellsite

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Adventure Calls

Voting and Critique




It's TIME TO V-V-V-VOTE!

I encourage everyone that cares about the Contests(and if you don't already, I encourage you to begin now) to read through all of the wonderful entries submitted in the past two weeks, and cast their vote for their favorite! The submission with the most votes will be posted in a stickied "Trophy Case" thread where it will be displayed for all to see, and its author added to the list of Meritorious Writers at the very top!

Of course, this thread is also for critiquing. Note I said critiquing, not shitslinging. Constructive criticism only, please. Feel free to go through any one or all of the entries and give your two cents in helping your fellow writers improve! Those that have entered this contest are absolutely allowed to critique each others' works, contestants can absolutely vote, though not for their own, obviously.

Needless to say, using multiple accounts to vote more than once is NOT ALLOWED, and if an author uses alts to vote for their own work, they will be disqualified on the spot and disbarred from entering any future Contests.

Please vote based on the merits of the work, not for the sake of a clique or just because the author happens to be your friend. And mostly certainly do not attempt to have an author falsely disqualified because you don't happen to like them, because I'll fucking find out and it won't be pretty.




by @Calle


by @Vocab


by @Briza


by @SleepingSilence
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Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Landaus Five-One
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I vote for Just Passing. Because I enjoyed the reference and I instantly got it that the mother was dead.
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by SleepingSilence
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So I’m not going to do full reviews for these. For reasons of I might end up just coming off too harsh (for far too long.) So keeping it very brief, and I will be trying to provide examples. So it doesn’t look like blind and empty criticism.







Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Briza
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@SleepingSilence

“His memory was so fantasmic.

Aside from that being my new favorite word, it also isn’t the only sign that you didn’t run the post through basic spellcheck. Since the story is the longest, it only makes sense that errors might be easier to slip through the cracks. (Stuff like sentences with spaces that are too long.) But, this is literally at the last paragraph. That and the first tend to be the ones looked over the most. So it doesn’t seem like any effort was made to actually edit it…since spelling is by the far the easiest thing to fix.


The fake word was intentional according to Ripley's Believe It or Not. I was having fun with lyrics and song titles when I wrote this piece. Fantasmic is the name of a Nightwish song, and not-so-coincidentally, the title of this piece is in reference to the song Cassie by Flyleaf. A spellchecker would have been helpful, though. Thank you very much for the recommendation. I am quite clutsy. I mean, klutyz.

A tall, gaunt piece of crowfoot grass stuck out of Matthias’ mouth.

For another example, though this mistake might have been missed with software because “Gaunt” is a word, just not the right one for this sentence.


The use of the word, gaunt is a play with the crowfoot grass, which signifies, although the meadow appears alive, he is actually in a state of dying.

First paragraphs mean everything in stories, and it kind of displays what I feel is the general clunkiness and over abundance of the same, throughout the entire story.

You use white, blue and green, ‘light’ green, ‘ebony’, gray, yellow all in one paragraph to set the scenes. That many colors used solely for quick unimportant descriptions, plus using so many single word adverbs and descriptions necessarily tacked on.

It sort of feels like that kind of filler is throughout the story, like someone saying "I'm sorry" followed by explaining the person saying that felt bad. Or just using words that mean the same thing to describe an object, like "dumb and stupid."

But I’ll try breaking my thoughts down...

“Folding down the soft grasses upon and into themselves.“ I’m not even entirely sure what’s being conveyed here. My assumption is ‘lying in the grass, bending it and leaving indents.’ Which is also far quicker to say and should have been said to cut down words.

Both were lying in the meadows with their bodies bending the grass underneath.

(You also don’t need both “they and both” because both is enough to imply the amount of people in said scene.)


I disagree. I like the added details.

Along the sky were white, velvety clouds, fluffy and light in their weight, held against the gentle blue that expanded across the horizon that wrapped around the mountain top.

Along the blue that expanded across the horizon; white, fluffy clouds that wrapped around the mountain top.

(You have so many added words, that don’t actually change what I picture in my head.)


I tried to go back to correct that repetitive stuff. Those coulds! Oh well. Justifying missed marks due to a rush job is probably an ill-willed idea at this point.

Forming the distance were trees with green, and white bark that stretched upwards for long whiles.

Forming the distance were trees with green and white bark, stretching far upwards.

(‘For long whiles’ just personally bugs me. And anyway to cut words to make it mean the same thing, you usually want to do.)


I like whiles, but I also like bugs.

Some of the trunks were thicker and grayer with ebony markings. The leaves were light green, but their veins gave a tinted yellow scenery, mirroring the radiant sun, gleaming in the glories of the season’s morning like a brilliant halo behind the mountain.

Some trunks were thicker and ashier with ebony markings. The leaves veins gave a tinted yellow scenery, mirroring the radiant sun and gleaming in the glories of the season’s morning like a brilliant halo behind the mountain.

Everyone knows leaves are green, unless you specify otherwise the reader automatic thinks about that, another reason why I brought up over use of color descriptions, because if you use “sky” you don’t need to add “gentle blue”, because that’s the first thing that pops into one’s mind picturing a sky. And just for flavor, since you had to add “ebony” instead of black, is seems less out of place to just use “grey” when you could have added another ‘flavorful’ word.


But, I never said what season it was! The green leaves are signifying this, and I stand by my point because different parts of the world hold different shades and hues of grass and leaf combinations depending on the time of the year.

When it comes to repetition in word choice, you have a lot I felt that could have been cut.

You use ‘could’ 40 times, ‘about’ 37 times, 'more' 36 times, 'wanted' 32 times, 'again' 30 times. Etc.

Just as a word of personal advice. There’s many sentences were you didn’t need those words included. So you should have cut them. Try going through your story and ask, what else could I have put there? I was going through it and was able to replace a lot of those words without effecting the meaning of the sentences.

(wordcounter.net Seriously, tools like this improve writing awareness. Couldn’t recommend it enough.)

I'm sorry, but just overall felt like the story was too slow paced for me to enjoy it. And unless I’m blind, it doesn’t even appear to have followed the only guideline given and expressed in the rules. “Go to several (assuming at least 3.) different locations throughout in your story.” And it seems like they remained in the same location, they just climbed the mountain which seemed to be the single location they traversed.





It is okay. You do not need to apologize, but your apology is accepted. I am sorry my writing felt like paint drying on the wall. Although, I personally love watching paint dry on the wall, which means I am probably not sorry for the read being like paint drying and should be apologizing for your lack of enjoyment of my entry.

In whatever defense of your last comment: they were in the meadows; they went on the mountain path; and they finished at the top of the mountain. It is understandable to make that mistake, though. Sometimes, when I watch paint dry, I do not realize it is done drying until I am staring at Pale Fire by Vladimir Nabokov and re-falling in love with the color gray all over, again... :<

With that said, thank you for your critique! I will probably not be returning your favor and make it for some reason like I'm lazy I am super spiteful you did not even go into any of the foreshadowing of how the story would end or what the flower symbolized or how the story loops itself and why. Now, if you'll excuse me, Briza has some crying to do over spilled
milk.

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Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by SleepingSilence
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The fake word was intentional according to Ripley's Believe It or Not. I was having fun with lyrics and song titles when I wrote this piece. Fantasmic is the name of a Nightwish song, and not-so-coincidentally, the title of this piece is in reference to the song Cassie by Flyleaf. A spellchecker would have been helpful, though. Thank you very much for the recommendation. I am quite clutsy. I mean, klutyz.


I see...But I don't really see the relevance between that show and the story. Nor, the Flyleaf song. So it didn't really come across that way. (But I like that song, so no complaints.) I can relate to the idea of listening to music unrelated yet similar in mood while writing. As I wrote part of my story while playing The Dear Hunter - His Hands Matched His Tongue.

The use of the word, gaunt is a play with the crowfoot grass, which signifies, although the meadow appears alive, he is actually in a state of dying.


Actually, forgive me. This was my fuck up. I assumed most of the other were different spellings. The internet lied to me. :P

But, I never said what season it was! The green leaves are signifying this, and I stand by my point because different parts of the world hold different shades and hues of grass and leaf combinations depending on the time of the year.


Everything is debatable. But I think the light breeze, radiant sun, the green of the trees already mentioned. The clear blue sky and the fact they're outside and it hadn't mentioned cold weather, or rain. And the grass was still soft. That you'd have enough context clues without mentioning the color of the leaves.

It is okay. You do not need to apologize, but your apology is accepted. I am sorry my writing felt like paint drying on the wall.


That might be a little too harsh. :P I didn't want to sound rude, but I felt I had to be honest with my thoughts on each piece.

In whatever defense of your last comment: they were in the meadows; they went on the mountain path; and they finished at the top of the mountain. It is understandable to make that mistake, though.


So, a meadow directly next to mountain, going up the mountain and being on the mountain? I guess, my character had one extra place they went to themselves. Well I doubt that detail will matter in others judgement anyway. Worked fine for the story you were trying to tell.

With that said, thank you for your critique! I will probably not be returning your favor and make it for some reason like I'm lazy I am super spiteful you did not even go into any of the foreshadowing of how the story would end or what the flower symbolized or how the story loops itself and why. Now, if you'll excuse me, Briza has some crying to do over spilled milk.


I appreciate the playful response. But I would like to address the lack of foreshadowing. Because my god, I had so much of it I was afraid I was too on the nose. XD And as for symbolism, you don't have to look up what a cyclamen symbolizes via google, to understand what it meant in context with the story. And I'm unsure what you mean by looping itself and why? But I'll explain the themes and such of my story. As well as one can, in the middle of the night.

Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Briza
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@SleepingSilence, I'll take the meaning of the story to PMs if you want.
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Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Darth Shadow
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I vote for Nomen by @Vocab. The reason that I vote for it is because I find myself to be able to relate with the character in the story. And although I have to admit that Sleeping Silence's grammar check was correct, I feel that doing so would completely destroy the feel of the story. After all, I imagined the story to be written by Deathclaw in a Fallout background trying to be sentient. Because of that, having perfect grammar while writing in the first person view point would make no sense and completely alter the story. Sometimes having something hit and miss would be more anticipating for a character to have than having the errors to be consistent. But what do I know?
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Temporary
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@SleepingSilence Yeah, I can understand that. To be honest, I started writing this piece very unsure just how it would turn out, and how it would be received. Considering you've said you have figured out my style, you must understand that, in these prompts, I like to try and take as much creative liberty as I can so I can have more flexibility when actually writing the story, and, at least from my perspective, the same thing has been done here.

Since the prompt is Adventure, I didn't want to just have an Adventure. I wanted something more than crossing a landscape, so I opted to try something else alongside it - a character who explores himself and language through the course of the story. The actual idea I was going for from the start was something unsettling, filled with unknowns and a disjointed and broken stylistic approach that created a sense of unease. As you said, the bad grammar and other mistakes are intentional for this purpose, creating a character outside of the known.

In order to have a progressing story line, though, the character has to get better at speaking and writing, so, as well, they have to start off terribly, and then get better. For example, the quote you brought up:

"This is a book, a book I found in a house, a house without walls or ceilings, and without chairs or tables or computer screens to display ruined, corrupted corruption or names. The corrupted corruption of corrupted names on corrupted screens corrupting names. The pen moves but when it moves paper corrupts. Ink corrupts. Black and fluid, then dry and corrupt. I corrupt.

The thing I was going for this this part, and the other parts similar to it, is that the MC was testing out words, and learning them through usage. They were there to give the sense that the thing in the story was actually learning, that they were attempting to assimilate different parts of what they have seen or heard into their own limited vocabulary as best they can, and failing to do so - hence my attempt at making their prose better, their sentences longer, and their grammar better, as the story progressed. Another example I'd key into, that you also mentioned, would be inconsistency. The inconsistency is present, again, to give the illusion that the character is adapting to the things they are writing and saying and learning. By creating disparities in the things they say, I liked to believe it would help highlight that fact.

Of course, as I said, I went into this unsure exactly how it would turn out and be received. It's no surprise to me that I probably failed in what I set out to do especially when I rushed half of it on the last day XD

In any case, thanks for the criticism. Hopefully my next entry will be more likeable in your eyes ^^
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by SleepingSilence
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The prompt is Adventure, I didn't want to just have an Adventure. I wanted something more than crossing a landscape, so I opted to try something else alongside it - a character who explores himself and language through the course of the story.


I do enjoy that there's a little more to it than that. I wanted and tried accomplishing the same thing. (least in terms of making it not just an adventure.)

Honestly, I love the idea. Just not the execution. (Honestly I did not notice if your character happened to "go to multiple locations" in your story or not when reading it. So, as long as it fit the general rule presented. The prompt has so few rules, it seems like it should be important to at least follow the ones given.)

Hence my attempt at making their prose better, their sentences longer, and their grammar better, as the story progressed. Another example I'd key into, that you also mentioned, would be inconsistency. The inconsistency is present, again, to give the illusion that the character is adapting to the things they are writing and saying and learning.


I honestly just didn't understand the progression...It needed to be clearer and more straightforward. Maybe even more over the top. If it was getting better as the story went on, why did it only misspell words over half way through than never again? Nor corrected it's own mistakes again?

And if it was suppose to become longer and subsequently more coherent. Then why even until the very ending are the sentences fragmented?

If it was literally gibberish at the start, then it had continuous writing errors and fragments in the start improving over time to speak more naturally while itself piecing together their identity and the world around them, that could have added another layer.

Of course, as I said, I went into this unsure exactly how it would turn out and be received. It's no surprise to me that I probably failed in what I set out to do especially when I rushed half of it on the last day XD


But I sympathize with that, I cranked out my ending pretty quickly and didn't do the editing/polish that I wanted to do.

In any case, thanks for the criticism. Hopefully my next entry will be more likeable in your eyes ^^


I hope so too. Appreciate the response. (Hopefully, I didn't come across too harshly.)
Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by Loksfjoer
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I normally wait with getting back to reviews until more people had a chance to read it, because I don't want to explain things before people formed their opinion about it, but I want to comment on this one now.

So I’m not going to do full reviews for these. For reasons of I might end up just coming off too harsh (for far too long.) So keeping it very brief, and I will be trying to provide examples. So it doesn’t look like blind and empty criticism




Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by SleepingSilence
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Thanks for taking the time to review.


Thanks for taking it in stride. Hopefully I came across fairly.

The fact all the fishermen dropped out for mundane and boring reasons could have prepared you for a mundane and boring ending. I tried to be consistent with that.


I sort of figured that would be the explanation. Though did you find the story mundane? Like a conversation you'd have with the misses about how'd your day went at work. Is that the style you wanted your story to go?

Did you feel that your fairy tale story was satisfying? Or did you write it intentionally anti-climatic and unrewarding for a purpose? I don't mean to ask that in any particular way, but that seems to be what you're expressing. And I just wanted clarity...

You usually want to enthrall a reader in some way. Where do you think your story had it's greatest strengths?

Now, I don't know what a 'wah wah wah story' is, but maybe the fundamental problem you had with this entry was exactly what is was supposed to be. I admit I knew the anti-climax wouldn't be appreciated by some and that it could leave the reader unfulfilled.


youtube.com/watch?v=pnNtzLJwVlw

Basically answers the question. It's basically a straight forward story, that has one long running theme and ends on a gag. That would end on that kind of sound effect. I mean anti-climaxs can work (I mean granted I dislike them regardless.) but if it's built up properly it can subvert expectations...but frankly I called that would happen from when this fisherman stopped his desires for fame and fortune because of a stubbed toe. If it wasn't meant as a joke...you then have to question how does it make any logical sense?

I don't know if you read many of such stories, but most are rather simplistic as far as storytelling goes and I don't think I read any with flowery descriptions of the scenery.

Aside from that, I'm not good at flowery descriptions of the surrounding area, nor do I personally care for an overly long description of what a place or a thing looks like. I tend to lose focus when I read a lengthy description of a scene, especially when I have to read it from a screen. I write in they way I like to read stories, which I think every writer does.


Well most things I read actually tend to have far more prose than I do. But we probably read different material based on tastes anyhow. But it's fine if it wasn't your strength. But it was directly suggested in the rules of the prompt, if you weren't comfortable with doing it, there's always another prompt. And I personally like to challenge myself when I'm writing these prompts. Because it's not just for me. But I can understand that logic.

Another suggestion in hindsight since you wanted it to be a straight forward tale, and it does kind of seem like a fable (without the moral or symbolism. Not saying either is needed for the record.) Perhaps, if you rhymed your sentences? Just a little extra something to make it feel a little more whimsical, it was a fantasy story after all. I guess it always come down to personal taste...(I usually don't write so flowery myself. But believe me, it required effort and editing on my part to achieve it. Because I didn't want to settle for my standard.)



I'll use the example from your story that you used to compare our forest scenes to explain.

"like the battle scars bared on his bare back"
I never would consider using scars baring on a bare back. I would say the scars 'show' or 'were visible' on the bare back. Or just say 'back', because the showing of scars implies the back is bare.

In your review of my previous entry you mentioned the repetition of words, redundant words / sentences and how they should be avoided, so this sentence makes me wonder in what situations are things redundant and when do they add to a descriptive scene?


So "like the battle scars that were visible on his back." (Ironically that makes the sentence longer, which isn't really shortening it at all. But I'll defend, why I would not change it to that...)

Every sentence and word needs a purpose to add detail to a scene. If you didn't notice, most of that sentence started with the letter 'B'. That is intentional and spread throughout my story. Those are called alliterations. If I made those changes, it would no longer have similar consonants. Plus, that is purposeful word play for similar words. But is not the same word, nor is it describing the same thing.

Baring was about the scars being obvious across his back. But the bare back, implied he was topless. You're sentence does not carry the idea he has no shirt, it implies if he -wasn't- wearing clothes. You could see his scars. (Or maybe that the clothes were tattered to a point, you could see scars on his back.)

I hope the combination of wordplay and attempts to keep as many alliterations in my story as possible, makes sense on why I'd use -similar- words and how that it's quite the same redundancy I brought up before. Where if you changed the word, nothing would matter.




"as sweat drooled from his forehead"
I didn't know sweat could drool from a forehead, I would use 'ran down', or maybe just say he was sweating, because I assume people know what sweating is.


The drool is not merely suppose to define the sweat itself, like I wrote "he sweated moisture"

That's prose not quite meant to be taken literally. It's a descriptor signifying the -amount- of sweat. (Imagine armpits 'drooling' sweat like a leaky faucet. That's a lot of sweat. :P) Shows the heat and the amount of strain its putting on his body being in this jungle. (I also didn't actually ever specify that Ross was human or not. So maybe you could interpret it literally and assume it's a different species. There -are- giant snake people that play poker after all...

It also directly connects to the creature literally drooling that was stalking after him, which you could almost see transition in your head. Imagine a sweat pouring from the forehead, to a beast staring at its prey with an opened jaw drooling. Least I can, and that's what was intended.

"The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead. Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers. Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step."

This part confused me, I couldn't follow it and had no idea what was really going on, aside from the fact he was sweating because it's warm and he hears a creature? I'd most likely just write 'it was hot' instead of 'The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees', because while I know trees can be tall, I have no idea how tall the kapok tree is.


You said you don't understand it, but yet you basically perfectly explained what transpired in that scene. XP

(The first sentence, describing the heat and his sweating. Which paralleled to the stalking predator creature following him while hidden from sight. Could you not guess whose paranoia that is? And what it means that he hopes the creature is tracking anything else?)

123rf.com/photo_18976646_thick-jungle… What "creepers" are.

Okay, again notice the amount of "T's" in that sentence. That is on purpose and there's more than one thing that sentence accomplishes. Than just putting "it was hot..."

Also, the critique that I should edit something solely because you -personally- don't know something. Is quite silly, because many writers clearly don't follow that advice for a reason. Many want to teach people concepts and themes, they wouldn't think about on their own. I don't think it was too abstract to understand the idea behind the passage even if the exact words weren't known.

But it's not like I choose that tree haphazardly. Kapok trees are specifically jungle/tropical rain forest trees. It not only happens to be 200 feet tall, which allows the temperature rises that high be an exaggeration that makes a clear point. But it also gives a context clue about the setting. Where as "trees" wouldn't do the same.

rainforest-alliance.org/species/kapok…

"Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out. Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks. He related to the prey; shrouded from the sunlight, surrounded by an unpleasant unfamiliarity and swallowed whole by the depths of this dense jungle."

That is very elegant, a very nice way to describe how he feels in the jungle, but I could never come up with that.
I would have made it simpler. Like "He stopped to see a brightly coloured bird, drinking from the nectar of a beautiful flower. Suddenly the flower shut its jaws (...)"

So that's where we differ. Or maybe I'm just a mediocre writer who uses simple vocabulary and basic descriptions and who will never reach your level of eloquence.


But I probably didn't need the word 'carnivorous' in there. Since it -ate- a bird. (Nobody is perfect.)

I'm no writing genius. These words certainly didn't all flow straight to the page, without me pausing and straining to come up with words with the same consonants throughout the story. I can barely stop myself from writing run-on sentences or 180% too hard and writing fragments instead. I think anyone could genuinely write like this with enough desire and effort to do so. But not everyone needs to write like that, just find your voice and what you're good at doing...

I've written utter crap before, I'll do it again. And I've never been under the impression that I can't improve every single time. But that's the only way one can get better. I don't comment on others punctuation unless blatant and prevalent, because I consider myself outright garbage at that. It's also a lot less fun to correct such frivolous, but vital things in stories.

(So if you're wondering why I avoided such details...now you know.)

Plus I read all the stories at once, aloud to my roommate to pass the time in the laundromat. So I didn't have my computer, to start and stop while nitpicking every sentence. Which is why these focused on general concepts, opposed to picking it apart.

I have to say this, it is possible that people who fish professionally do not like to eat it.


Heh. Well, it started out as a mere humorous quip of the obviousness of said statement. But actually when I examined the context of the rest of the sentences, as I explained. You still didn't actually need to mention they actually enjoyed their hobby. Because of the clues of the quest itself. Wanting the golden fish for food, describing it's sweet taste, and explaining that they've eaten every type of fish there was. So my own admittance to that just striking a personal chord. XD I'd just objectively argue that there's even context clues that it wasn't needed. Or maybe their fondness of seafood, could have been described in a more playful way. Like if the fisherman sang a tune about their love of fish. Who doesn't like singing? ;3

I'm sorry this got so long, I guess I felt the need to explain myself properly.


Not at all, I hope my explanations made sense and cleared up the confusions you might have had.

Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Nuriko
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I like the Quest for the golden fish tbh
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Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by BrokenPromise
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@Nuriko and that's the beautiful part about a vote system. We can all vote for whatever we want.

I'm working on reviews. They should be ready Sunday/Monday-ish.
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@Calle



@vocab



@Briza



@SleepingSilence



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Hidden 6 yrs ago 6 yrs ago Post by SleepingSilence
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Ha ha. I somehow expected this. (Referring to a 4-way tie.)




@BrokenPromise Well thanks for the review. I unfortunately lacked time to edit and polish the story to the best of my abilities. Timing fucked me, quite often in the making of this story. Don't worry I had @Briza go through it all, and I plan on giving a bit more in depth reviews. Lacking time to do anything, seems to be problem recently.

Bared on a bare back? I'm pretty sure battle scars aren't bundled.


This isn't even a grammar error, this is playful wording. A bundle is a group. The scars are grouped and "bundled" together on the back. Implying it was grouped together like the flowers.

This is an incomplete sentence. I'm not sure if it's the quantity or shape of the cyclamens/scars that is being referenced here.
SleepingSilence


Frankly I don't think taking it as either/or, or both actually changes the visualization of the story. But I'm sure, I could have made this clearer. I always feel like adding a 'beginning noun' is so unnecessary at times, but I assume that's what's supposedly needed to make this a full sentence. Something like-

"The number matching the amount of mosquito bites branding his knees." (Referring to a dozen, obviously?)

Like seriously, the fuck did that add? Mild writing rant I guess. (Is that above a full sentence now? Or am I still missing something here?)

You're not winning any awards for your word usage. I doubt most people know what a kapok tree looks like, and sweat doesn't look or move anything like drool.
SleepingSilence


Lack of knowledge doesn't make the writer wrong for using the word. You still -get- the general idea. No it's nothing particularly complicated. Also this isn't a grammar error either...

And bullets look nothing like sweat either, but no one complains about sweating bullets do they? So forgive me, but I'm defending these choices and you provided no better alternatives.

therooster.com/sites/default/files/st…

You cannot criticize something for being abnormal sounding, when exaggerated sweat looks -entirely- like drooling from how thick it is. The story doesn't need to take place in real life. Ross is never specified to even be human. The language in general was not literal. And shouldn't be taken that way. (My feelings, obvious anyone can do it. I just happen disagree with the reasoning. <.<')

Seriously, what the hell did I just read?


I don't mind how blunt this is, despite not exactly being constructive. I'll admit could have done better myself but let's just say the responses I received I don't think would have changed/improved with added detail.

But it does always make me feel better that, no matter how bad I feel for writing bluntly. I always get railed far worse, and nitpicked far more. So I really should stop worrying so much. I digress.

That also had no corrections. You just didn't like the sentence, but you didn't really elaborate what was wrong with it at all...

I think there's a missing word here. Otherwise, I have no idea if Paranoia is some new character, a person, etc.


An *it, I knew that was wrong when I reread it. Always something that slips through the cracks.

Elbowing checking? This entire phrase could be re-written to improve clarity.


Another caught before. Yeah, meant elbow checking. I actually think autocorrect managed to screw me on that one. And you're probably right.

Not ever verb and noun needs to have an adjective attached to it, you know?


Does removing any of these words or editing them make the sentence stronger? You didn't even really imply the sentence was bad.

Presumably, you are talking about the plant eating the bird, rather than the bird eating the plant. But it's not very clear. This could have been much better if you used more than two sentences to show what was going on. It's the only exciting thing that's happened in this paragraph and it's over with in less than ten words.


That I completely disagree with, and I think context clues make it abundantly obvious.

Easily distinguishable, but not to the reader. And I'm pretty sure it did beckon him.


I'm assuming you're judging that you don't know which direction, and you're right that's a detail I could have added.

Of course it's the same voice, it's in the same paragraph, right?


Not really, no.

Just have him pull out the dagger in one sentence, examine the knife in a second sentence, and finally approach the voice in the third. You're trying to do way too much here.


I suppose some don't like fast pacing. Fair enough.

What is “seeing beaming?” I've never seen two words with an “ing” ending put side by side like that, and this is the second time you've done it. People probably don't do it because it doesn't work.


Oh really? :P

Unlike everyone else. Not every word written was 100% intentional. Because I can admit I make flaws.

Yeah, I'd change it. 'seeing beams'

It's a bad idea to start a sentence with one of those “ing” words most of the time. It doesn't show possession. You could say “he/Ross was facing” But I think the present tense “He/Ross faced” would be better still.


Noted.

You actually forgot a comma. I'm really surprised by that, because nearly every sentence up to this point has had a comma or a semi-colon.


Correct. I'm glad you noticed. :P

How the adjectives sounded like the words they were paired with made the prose read like some sort of weird tongue twister. Bit it definitely wasn't nine nice night nurses nursing nicely. Which might have been the intention, but it didn't work for me.


Only way to grow is to fail. I guess I need to start writing straight forward and bare-bones simple. It seems to actually be preferred. Granted, I'm sure I over did it. It kind of was intentionally done, to show actual effort in crafting sentences. But intent doesn't always get executed well. There's always another prompt.

I'll admit adventure stories of this nature aren't my cup of tea, but all the same, I felt it could have been done better. I don't understand why he was in the jungle, had to go to a volcano, then traverse a lot of different dream areas to finally get to where he had to go. I understand these places had a significance “artistically,” but in the context of the story there wasn't any rhyme or reason for it.
I know sometimes less is more. But nothing is always, well, nothing.


I'll admit some of the places could be interchangeable, as long as the theme was properly set that way. The volcano, could have been I dunno. A fire fortress, and it could probably still work. So is that a weakness? Sure, I can go with that.

But him going to them in general, it was treacherous physical journey representing the emotional one of the loss of a loved one. He didn't have to go in all those places in the first place. He knew exactly where he needed to go, if you don't buy the amnesia. If you don't, it explains just fine why he wandered in so many places...so I just disagree that context wasn't given. But if you don't take it at face value, he clearly wasn't ready to accept his mother's destination...

So I very much disagree that there's "no reason" for this adventure taking place. Helk, even bare bones disregarding all symbolism and the fact my characters was a representation of an idea. So the fact it didn't feel entirely there or set in reality, wasn't lost on me or anything. But he went to the volcano because the snake told him to go there, and the lake had clear explained significance. And the forest...well it was interesting place to start?

But I hope I didn't come across too offended, or otherwise. I'm always appreciated of the effort required to read one's writing. Sometimes that's too hard for some. Need more people to do this. (Perhaps, to the same level of all involved.)

Edit: I don't really know if my reply comes across on a "different level" in anyway. But I will note, today is a "feel like crap" (stomach) day. So I'll acknowledge possible moodiness, if it happens to be there.
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Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by BrokenPromise
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@SleepingSilence

I don't really feel like sparring all afternoon with someone over something that I feel was written in 100% fairness. So I'll just quickly touch on some of your points.

I did not feel the need to give every sentence of your story a paragraph long breakdown. I'll admit, I was more brief than usual this time with your entry. This was because I found every sentence bothered me in some way. And who really wants to read someone tearing apart a story a sentence at a time? So I tried to do something on the line. In hindsight, I probably should have just done a "bulk" style review like I did with the first two.

For "battle scars bared on his bare back," what makes this flawed is that it's redundant. His back is bare, so of course he's baring his scars. The mosquito bites don't really have anything to do with the scars on his back. I'm just a little confused as to why you tried to tie these two together. I feel it would be better changed to something along the lines of "He ignored his burning legs, which were covered in mosquito bites." The reason why you included this detail in the first place was to let us feel how uncomfortable the character is, right? This type of error isn't unique to you. It's something I use to do a lot.

Another thing I use to do a lot was use commas to branch a bunch of stuff together so that it read fast.

"Noticing the falling lampshade, and despite the obsticles, Derick dove under the lamp to catch it."

"Catching a glimpse of Tonya's clevage, which was right in front of his face, he blushed."

"With sword in hand, and the monster charging, he cut at the zombies."

But with time and practice, I realized that I could make these read a lot better.

"He saw the lampshade was falling. Derick wasted no time in diving for the lampshade. The toy blocks pressed into his chest like small spears."

"Tonya took a full step towards the short man. With their height difference, this put her silken clad breasts directly in front of his face. It was impossible to stop his cheeks from flushing red."

"The knight drew his sword as the monster approached. When it lunged at him, he swung his sword overhead, splitting the beast in two and covering himself in it's entrails."

I do not think the second set of sentences are necessarily faster than the first ones. I do think they read better however.

"Lack of knowledge doesn't make the writer wrong for using the word." He says, and you are correct. But I was more trying to illustrate how using adjectives alone doesn't make for very interesting reading. As an example, I could write "The mouth of the cave was fitted with long stalagmites. They looked like razor sharp teeth, waiting to devour the next adventurer to enter." Or I could write "The cave looked like an angry dragon." Which gets the point across, but isn't as interesting.

In regards to me being "blunt" and "nonconstructive," I actually tailored my review to you. If you read my other reviews for the others, you'll notice they are much, much nicer. This is partially because I felt they were better written, but has more to do with the fact that you were being "blunt" and "honest" with everyone in here. SO I figured you could take something a little harsher. If I was mistaken, then I would curb your honesty when dealing with others. Do unto others as you would like done onto you and all that.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by SleepingSilence
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@BrokenPromise Maybe I'll send a PM to address you further. Just because I don't want this to seem like a fight. I'm definitely not trying to do so either. Just because it feels distasteful to continue here.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by Loksfjoer
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@SleepingSilence


@BrokenPromise



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Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by BrokenPromise
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@Calle Oh! I was more talking about the apostrophe. I'm not too critical of how words are spelled for that reason.

And your intent was clear. I figured you were going for a folk-tale vibe. There's nothing wrong with simple writing. I write very simple as well. I just felt that when compared to say, entries like your last one, it wasn't quite as ambitious.

Here's to your next entry.
Hidden 6 yrs ago Post by SleepingSilence
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@Calle Okay. Well thanks for the conversation. ^-^

Maybe it's because I do have a good vocabulary, always had one. College level in grade school, is something I vividly remember being told. But nothing is 'too smart' in writing. Usually just means it's pretentious. If my word salad story sounded like gibbering nonsense, then that's my fault I suppose. :P

It's because I missed a word in that sentence, that's the problem with trying to push yourself. It's much easier to point out someone's screw ups, when they're trying to write more artfully than they usually do. That's why I try limiting, and cutting things I don't need at the point where it appears I'm going too fast. Because filler is a really easy way to avoid criticism. Make a single paragraph of ideas into four of them, and you're guaranteed to less likely to get prodded about it. Spread yourself so far and thin, any attack will seem trivial.

In a similar way it's difficult to write in a way that isn't simple. It can be challenging to make an engaging short story, because you have fewer words to do it. So those words actually matter, and you have to think what you need and what you could cut.

(But for trying too hard. It's a mistake I likely won't bother making again, given the general reactions I've received. I still want to read it to a few people to get more perspectives of people I know have the best interests in mind.)

But even though the story was simple. I didn't outright dislike your story at all, hopefully didn't come across that way. It's still always good to write as much as possible in order to improve oneself.

To be honest, I think my story was really the only one that actually really took the prompt on the nose. So I suffered for it. Which was my problem last time...it was a word limit that only two people followed. And neither won. And my biggest flaw, which even I acknowledged was a "rushed" conclusion which was only needed because of a rule, I followed to my determent. So clearly I don't know what people are looking for. :P

I certainly hope I see your prompts again. Maybe you'll have more time to write. (And maybe I'll spend a little less, yet get a better result. XD) I clearly need to work on my time management in the meantime.
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