Cyclone

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

Can you post WIP sheets? I'd make a goddess of mana but I only have her sphere and portfolio down so far.

@Legion02

Yes, you can (and should) post your WIP as we’re about to close the window to further applicants. Are you on the Discord?

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

@Lmpkio for Sartravius

Hider

As I said for Nepja's review, I'm a fan of Norse mythology so when I see a spin on Surtr and Muspelheim, I like. I really don't have too much to say about your sheet.

The Sphere is thematic and fitting, and I like how it isn't a lifeless inferno. Bringing volcanic activity to Galbar's surface as well as warmth are also good effects to have; I'd have suggested you might also play off the emotional side of heat by making Muspellsheim's essence occasionally drive someone into a fit of rage or irrationality, but the Pit already does that. No matter; perhaps old Travis will still make a holy order of berserkers! One thing that we GMs would like to see more of is more details about the natural connections to Niflheim and the rivalry there, but perhaps you two were wanting to explore that IC.

Heat is a good Portfolio, though admittedly somewhat broad. Your abilities make sense and it's ultimately fine as you have it, but if you haven't considered it yet, I'll posit to you the idea of starting with something more specific like Fire or Volcanos, and eventually taking Heat or something along those lines as a Cluster. Up to you; just remember that specific Portfolios are allowed to be more powerful than broad ones.

As far as persona, you can join the (trio?) of angry griefers; you've got Orvus, Narzhak, and maybe even Mel to smash things with! I don't think you'll run out of stuff to do, but eventually I hope you'll find something for Sartravius to do beyond sulking or rampaging; too much of that from a main character can get stale after a while. But the fact that you mention him having worshipers and life in his Sphere indicates that you're thinking about having Sartravius take on some more creative pursuits as well, which I like.

One last note: just be aware that at the beginning, you can only have one form. I think we've already told you this and IIRC you affirmed that the dragon and armor forms will come about later when Sartravius buys them with MP, but I just wanted to reiterate to make sure we're all on the same page.

Sheet accepted!

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

Round two!

@Darkspleen for Phystene

Hider

~soon

edit: lol this clown is never gonna see me sneak this in the day after...Hey, you there! Yeah, you! Don't tell Spleen!

---

Obligatory nitpicking: "She has the power to change the form and function of any plant and can create entirely no forms of plantlife." Wow, what a useless Portfolio.

In all seriousness though, Plants is a solid Portfolio. Your powers will give you things to do and are in line with what we'd expect from a goddess of plants, and there are some clear Clusters to gun for.

The World Tree is pretty neat, too. I like its effect on Galbar and its various natural connections. One thing that I'm left wondering is whether it's visible from Galbar, and if so, in what manner.

The persona creates plot arcs through her opposition to would-be warlords and destroyers of nature, fulfilling a much-needed niche in stymieing some of the evil machinations brewed up by the gods of moral turpitude.

Overall it's quite good! I wish I had more to say, but there's not much that I can think to critique or suggest.

Sheet approved.

@Aristo for Aelius

Hider

Why can't Apollo this dude wear a loincloth as he chokeslams ugly gremlins?

In all seriousness, I'm glad we have your character. I was high-key pushing for a sun god, and it's always nice to have a bombastic cocky hero of a guy to counterbalance the evil masterminds and insidious plotters.

My Co-GMs each suggested that your Portfolio seems very broad and potentially suboptimal, probably better used as a Cluster, but I'm made aware that they already told you this. They said that you're aware of the downsides of taking such a broad Portfolio and still want to work with, so by all means go ahead. None of us feel strong enough about it to stop you. It'd be nice if you went into more depth and detail on what this Portfolio actually lets Aelius do, though. Thus far we only have the somewhat vague lines, " As their god, he bestows the knowledge and will to live by them. To those that violate his portfolio and turn to vice, he punishes with the firm hand of an arbiter."

Concerning your Sphere, I like it. It's the sun, but it's also a grand city. Its effects upon the rest of the cosmos are obvious and good, and it's thematically fitting even though Aelius isn't a god of fire or heat.

As I previously alluded to, the persona is also a good one to have; with one like that I have no doubt that you'll find plenty to write about, especially given that you and Octopus already have the solar furnace plot cooked up. Big stamp of approval!

Sheet accepted.

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

To those of you updating sheets because you were accepted contingent upon recommendations, rejected pending changes, or were accepted but nonetheless chose to react to my suggestions with changes (yay), just hang tight. I'll try to re-review your new drafts and respond appropriately, but I'd like to give every sheet its first review before returning to give any a second one.

That out of the way, moving on to a few more reviews.

@Strange Rodent for Eurysthenes

Hider

This is a cool spin on the typical archetype of a trickster god! We've seen a few others with this sort of persona in past Divinus installments, but you pull it off in a unique (and dare I say, better) way than any that I can remember.

One other thing that makes Eurysthenes stand out is that the character is the only god thus far to be ungendered, which seems appropriate as it makes your god seem all the more enigmatic. You handle this by using the pronoun 'they,' but I wonder if it would be better to instead try 'it'. Either way I expect that it might be tricky to write out narrations using such uncommon and awkward pronouns so frequently; that's been my experience as in Mk. II I have a character that flips between being an 'it' and a 'he'. Perhaps there's some rationale to your choice in that you refer to Eurysthenes as they to indicate some sort of schism or split-persona, but if that's not the case then I feel like it'd be a lot easier to both interpret and write your stuff if you just resorted to saying 'it' or 'he'. The potential confusion is probably most evident in your persona section, where you confusingly are forced to use 'they' both in reference to Eurysthenes and other gods.

That tangent aside, the Sphere is very thematic and you've done a good job already working out natural connections to so many others. I get the vibe that aside from the somewhat minor effect of occasionally influencing mortals by making them lose their thoughts and such, its main interaction is "kidnapping" people and forcing them to traverse the maze in order to hopefully escape. You don't quite explain how this escape happens (or how often it happens) and nor do you explain how one would get from Galbar to the Infinite Maze (basically what sort of Gateway you'll be using), but perhaps that's best left for the IC. Just try to keep those things in mind.

On to Portfolio--as I said, I quite like your design overall and the angle that you're taking. However, from what you've told me and from how you describe Puzzles on your sheet, I'd suggest you switch your starting Portfolio to something similar and go for Puzzles as a Cluster rather than a Portfolio. It's a bit strange to start with such a broad Portfolio as Puzzles and then go into more specific ones like enigmatic magic which you yourself describe as falling under Puzzles; perhaps you start with a Portfolio of Confusion or something along those lines, since it'd be fitting for your god's persona, powers, and Sphere.

Personality-wise, you've got it going. Lots of things to give you reasons to post and an attitude that will write plotlines by itself makes for happy GMs. We see now issues here and are very interested to see what you'll do IC.

Sheet accepted with only minor suggestions. I think it'd make more sense for you to adjust the Portfolio in line with what I said, but I won't demand you do it.

@jetipster for Nepja

Hider

I like the theme that you're going for and think it has great potential. That being said, I of course have recommendations for you and see a few issues that need addressing.

I like your Portfolio, especially how you also address the idea of emotional Cold. That being said, we GMs would like to see more details about what sort of abilities you envision coming along with this Portfolio, because as-is you've just given a vague description of what Cold means and not what Nepja's powers are.

We've already spoken about how Ryme should be a mere disguise and not a separate form if you're going to have that for free from the start, but I'll reiterate it again.

Let's move on to Niflheim, the Sphere you've chosen. I'm a fan of Norse mythology, so overall I like the idea. Driving the cold weather on Galbar is a very obvious effect, though I think you could do well to expand upon this. Your Portfolio mentions that Nepja's Cold refers to emotions as well and is more than mere temperature, so perhaps your Sphere can reflect that with effects of some sort. In addition, you could position Niflheim as the insulative barrier that wards Galbar from the fiery heat of all these other infernal Chthonian Spheres deeper down.

On the topic of Spheres that are deeper down, I'm not sure why you have Niflheim set up as being extremely deep. In my mind it'd be far more thematic to have it not very deep at all, and perhaps even accessible through natural connections in the form of glacial holes and caverns in Galbar's poles. Perhaps the poles are actually gateways between Galbar and Niflheim? You also mention there being light and a sun in Niflheim, though I'm not sure if that's very thematic, why it's ther, or where it'd come from. Perhaps you could instead have the poles of such clear ice that Galbar's natural sunlight can filter down through and into Niflheim, reflecting everywhere off the mirrorlike ice? That'd be pretty neat.

Now we can get to what's the biggest issue that the GM team has with your sheet: not only do we want a bit more detail on the Portfolio, we also want clarification on what you intend to do with Nepja. It feels like I say this in almost every other sheet, but it's especially the case for you. You're under a great deal more scrutiny because I recall you having a god of winter called Sveiand in Divinus Mk. I, and you inexplicably vanished not very far in. It's not a dealbreaker; people change, and hopefully you won't leave us hanging this time. But before accepting your sheet, I want to see evidence of some dedication namely in the form of plans for story arcs and assurances that you'll have things to do so that you won't be left scratching your head for months before vanishing. Talking to others OOC to get involved in some IC stuff (be it connecting Spheres, planning story arcs for the first age, or anything else) would also go a long ways towards appeasing us on this matter.

Sheet rejected for now. To summarize, we want clarification on Portfolio as well as some info on what you'll do and assurances you won't drop early on. Also, I had a few minor suggestions about Niflheim.

@Oraculum for Narzhak

Hider

Big High War God is here! All three of us were fans of your sheet. Sorry, but that means you'll likely be a very short review as I don't have many suggestions or critiques.

Your Sphere is a very nice and fitting one, and honestly I'm tempted to nominate the Pit for Best Sphere Award. It's fitting for your god's persona and his Portfolio, it has a very good effect that makes sense and is neither negligible nor overwhelming, its location makes sense, it has numerous (and fitting) interactions with other Chthonian Spheres, the flavor in your description is savory and drips throughout the whole sheet...

Regarding Portfolio, it's well written, good in scope, and about what we'd expect from a war god. Nice. The personality is also fitting and lends itself well to storylines and interactions; I like how despite his brutality, Narzhak isn't a mindless destroyer of worlds and has some actual depth. That gives you some flexibility going forward.

Your form is worth commenting upon. True to our word, we'll allow you to have any form to begin, even a titanic one like Narzhak's, especially if it's fitting as in this case. Just be aware that being "the size of a mountain" will come with some disadvantages.

Sheet accepted! Well done and exemplary work; I'll look forward to seeing what you can do in the IC.

And that it's for now folks, but hopefully I'll get another three or so out within five or six hours from now.

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

@Frettzo for Li'Kalla

Hider

I like your character a lot! More than any of Astarte's iterations, honestly. There's some stuff going on here, and while parts are quite simple everything seems overall good.

Your Portfolio is concise and effective. There's not much to say beyond that it's good. With great deluges of rain you could perhaps erode canyons and do all sorts of cool things in the first few turns.

The So'E is also a neat Sphere. It has a clear, relevant, and tangible effect upon Galbar. Not much is going on inside of it save for Li'Kalla having a house and a bunch of rainclouds forming, but for now that's okay because the imagery fits, you have a good skeleton, and more can always be done IC.

Regarding personality, you've chosen the sort of character that will require proactive writing to do things; hopefully you intend to be appropriately forward n developing Li'Kalla and showing some personality change. That segues nicely into my next point: some of the GMs thought it worth waving a warning flag here. Be careful as you approach the mature themes like self-harm and depression; Divinus has a mature enough audience and setting to handle it, but just try to tread the topic lightly as you go through with it. This was the only potentially objectionable thing about your sheet.

Well done!

Sheet approved with just a little warning flag waving!

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

We continue our regularly scheduled () reviews.

@Scarifar for Arae

Hider

There's some good stuff going on here, but it's marred by some flaws.

Your Sphere is quite cool and thematic; it can fit nicely into our setting and it has its own charm. Let me start by sharing my thoughts on what it actually does: firstly, it's clearly quite affected by Galbar, as in many ways it mirrors what's going on with the families down below. But then as far as it's impact on Galbar, it's just the equivalent of an artillery battery. There are all of these trees and pools that can have destructive, near voodoo-doll like effects upon entire families down below. It's like a missile silo full of a million buttons, each one capable of essentially dropping a free curse down on somebody's family. That's obviously an incredibly powerful ability that should perhaps be toned down or limited, but then again, Family seems like a very niche and limited Portfolio (more on this later) so perhaps such a powerful thing can be justified.

You know, I think it'd be fitting to say that pruning the trees and tending to the lakes can actually bring good fortune to a family; your sheet only speaks of being able to negatively effect families by ruining the lakes, but why is that? If you made this change, your Sphere would become ironically more powerful and flexible while at the same time feeling less like a proverbial missile silo.

On to personality--I'll start with the good. I like how she is curious about the universe and wants to look after the other gods as they are "her family." Both of these attitudes can lend themselves well to interaction and the storylines will practically write themselves. It's assuring to us when we see you take such a proactive sort of persona rather than an isolated one, because you weren't very active in Mk. II and we really hope that won't be the case here.

The bad? Well, I actually really like this idea that she "punishes those who would try to tear [families] apart" and presumably tries to stop things like kinslaying, adultery, or even slavery that might drive families apart in various means. But this all sounds like a very good and benevolent thing to do, yet you pinned her down as neutral. There's even more contradiction in that you'd expect the goddess that concerns herself with families and embodies the idea of kinship to be somewhat emotional or at least passionate, but you describe her as cold and logical. Are these mixed cues and the seemingly paradoxical description intentional? I'm not getting that vibe; instead I'm just feeling like the personality is maybe a bit unrefined and that you could probably do to try pinning it down better, or else change around some of these stances she holds so as to better conform to a true neutral alignment.

The biggest barrier towards accepting your sheet is the Portfolio. Family seems like a fairly concise and workable Portfolio, but you describe what family is without telling us anything about what it means in the context of powers. What does your Portfolio actually let Arae do? Does she only tend to the trees and lakes in her Sphere and get the voodoo-doll powers? If so, I think you could probably expand this to be more useful. And in either case, some clarification and better portfolio description is warranted.

Sheet rejected for now; fix the Portfolio issues and you'll be well on your way to getting it approved. But furthermore, I hope that you act upon these suggestions for her Sphere, and then also consider my musings about personality.

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

@Scarescrow

Glad you could see where we were coming from. I must admit that I'm not stoked to see Quantum physics and black hole interactions as the explanation for what's going on in your Sphere, but I'll talk to the other GMs about it and see what they think. Until then, you've got time make edits and hopefully take steps to address some of our qualms. We'll wait until you tell us that you're ready again, and then we can re-review your sheet.

@Goldeagle1221 for K'Nell

Hider

There was talk of rejecting this concept as it was due to your god being extremely Sphere-centric. However, I'm of the opinion that you and I can probably get away with this where no others can, because the gods of death and sleep can just sit in their bases and everybody else is basically forced to (eventually) come see them. Now on that topic, your sheet does raise an interesting IC question of what K'Nell would do for beings that don't sleep, and a perhaps greater OOC question of how everybody will feel if their mortal characters are essentially forced to interact with yours on a regular basis. That latter one is worth thinking about, but perhaps we can handwave it by saying that K'Nell doesn't possibly have the time to personally visit any given person in many of their dreams, so most nights end up just being forgettable dreams that involve partying and alcohol or other random things.

Further concern was raised by both BBeast and Muttonhawk about what you'd actually do on Galbar and on what you could do on the first few Turns before there's sleeping mortals running around. I'm not so worried because you've asked me about making the hallucinatory dreamscapes etc. and that's shown a willingness to leave Sleepyville and make tangible changes to Galbar, which I like very much. I've pointed that out to my fellow GMs; I'm sure their concerns will be at least somewhat alleviated now. Really, what I'm now concerned about is precisely the opposite--what are you going to do 5 turns in? What is the "game plan" so to speak, if all your god wants to do is party and troll dreaming people? It's a really achievable goal really, so good for him I guess, but is he going to just be content with that? Are you going to get bored writing about dream parties after a while and then run out of things to do? I hope you have some plot arcs in mind for later on.

You know, on the Discord you just claimed that you were sure you'd met my Sphere criteria, but surprise! Finding things about Spheres to criticize is what makes my day.

In your case, you actually have a cool Sphere idea. It has impact and I like the implementation, but my question-borderline-objection is just me wondering what the point is. What is it doing, really? What is K'Nell trying to achieve with these parties, what exact sort of things go on in these parties, how will these dream parties actually affect the lives of the sleepers that get pulled into them? All of this is left completely in the air. Perhaps that's on purpose because there is no point; perhaps you just figured it'd be better to answer those questions of mine IC, in which case I say fair enough. Maybe you could just tease the answer in your sheet, though!

The Persona is interesting and certainly has potential, but it's just that--potential. You could easily end up not doing anything of note, and I sort of get into my logic behind that claim in the paragraph above.

Re: Form, I think we got back to you about this, but if not then I'll tell you here that we decided to approve K'Nell taking on any form inside the Palace of Dreams, seeing as it's just a dream. If there's ever any instances where he tries to do something cheeky like pull someone fully into the Palace of Dreams so as to kill them there as a voodoo-doll means of killing their real body, perhaps this ability would be more questionable. But you've shown no indication of ever intending to have such a power, so I'll stop blathering about it.

Overall this is quite good though. Don't let my mountain of musing, griping, and nitpicking bother you too much.

Sheet accepted with some suggestions.

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

@Lauder for Vakk

Hider

I'm glad to see the recent edits to your sheet. The shift from Word to Speech as a Portfolio helps immensely and nullifies most of the qualms that we had with your sheet.

Overall the new Portfolio is quite nice; you have clear powers and uses for it that will eventually arise, though I encourage you to start thinking now about what you'll do on the first few Turns. Because your Sphere is quite empty and won't need stuff to fill it, perhaps you can spend your FP on something like a big canyon full of creepy echos on Galbar.

On the topic of Spheres, Sanvadam is cool and very thematic; it can actually compete with the Maze and the Pit (the best of them) for most hellish place to get trapped. However, it seems like we could still just remove it from the canon without impacting Galbar in the slightest, which means you should give it some sort of more meaningful interaction so as to make your Sphere live up to its potential.

To everybody else reading this, that's my new criteria: if I feel like I could just delete your Sphere and the RP would go the exact same and Galbar wouldn't be any different, I'm going to complain that your Sphere should have more stuff going on. Of course, Spheres can be fleshed out IC, but a rudimentary idea of what sort of impact they'll have on the universe if something worth figuring out and telling us beforehand.

Personality wise, you're treading on very thin ice IC if he insults the Architect to his face, but OOC I don't mind. Just warning you

What I do somewhat mind is the seeming hypocrisy, because right after saying that Vakk would insult the Architect to his face, you claim, "That is not to say that Vakk is without fear, for it he is confronted by a foe that he knows is radically stronger than him, he will become a coward. Yet, this is a rare emotion as he never expects something other than the Architect to be more powerful than him..."

If Vakk fears the Architect, why would he insult him to his face? Fix that little paradox, please.

Despite these issues, overall your sheet seems pretty good now. You have a unique character and a unique niche and I look forward to seeing what you can do IC, so good job.

Your sheet's accepted contingent upon somehow fixing those lines regarding the Architect. This acceptance also comes alongside those substantial suggestions regarding the Sphere.

Divinus: The Divine RP, Mk. III

@Doll Maker

What's up! We've got quite a few people, but there's perhaps room to squeeze in one more. Feel free to pop in on the Discord and say hello. The main channel has a message that I pinned which lists some of the remaining Portfolios you might consider.

This link should work for another 12 hours: discord.gg/pHSkd

Divinus: The God RP, Mk. III. Finished in Record Time™!

@Scarescrow for N'Chaera

Hider

It's clear that you've made substantial effort here, as is attested by the emotion and detail. I really do appreciate that, but I'll be blunt and say that there are still major issues with the sheet itself and with the design that need to be addressed.

I'll start off with the grammar. As a way to jokingly lighten the mood of an otherwise serious review whilst also trying to help by pointing out the errors I see, I usually have a 'mandatory nitpicking' line that I put in these reviews. But in your sheet, there are just too many grammatical mistakes to list. Normally I can just brush off typos or grammatical mistakes (I'd be a hypocrite not to; I hate editing and proofreading my own stuff, and I'm sure that sometimes it shows) but in the case of your sheet there are so many that it became distracting. This is troubling because it is indicative of what we might expect from your IC posts, and I'm sure you're aware that this RP is going in the Advanced Section. RPGuild's own description of the section spares me the words, "Must make a dedicated effort to minimize typographical errors and to use good grammar."

Now, if you didn't proofread, then obviously doing so would be a start. If it's still a struggle, there are programs like Grammarly that some people have had great success with. Double Capybara in particular has stated that Grammarly was a great help; maybe Capy can tell you about it on the Discord.

That aside, I'll now move on to the Portfolio. A god of Time/Possibilities/Fate is extremely difficult to pull off. In Divinus we had one guy make a god called Vowzra that was a god of Time that saw the future, but this only worked because Vowzra saw many possible futures, was incredibly cryptic, and the guy who wrote Vowzra was the GM. As you have it, Possibilities seems incredibly vague and I truly don't think you'll be able to make it work. If You have ideas then by all means we GMs will hear them and provide more feedback, but for now I would strongly suggest changing your Portfolio to something more manageable and concrete like Luck or Probability.

This leads us into the Sphere. I clearly see the imagery between a spider's webs, N'Chaera's arachnid appearance, and 'threads' of Fate or possibility. The metaphor there is nice, but this falls apart in terms of practicality when you say that it's less than an atom thick; you can elaborate more upon your intent by that phrase, but it seems like it may as well not even exist. And for effects it's the source of meteorites and supernovae--what? Why? How? I don't even see how such things connect at all to Possibilities, a spiderweb, or N'Chaera. One of my fellow GMs pointed out that you spent more time describing what Noc isn't rather than what it actually is; perhaps that's the problem. Maybe you need to start with a more concrete idea as your foundation for a Sphere, and then build up a god and Portfolio from there.

I hope you don't take this personally or feel that I'm unfairly harping on you. All three of us GMs would be more than willing to continue working with you or to give you further feedback on new ideas or any changes, but for now the sheet has to be rejected.