Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by spicykvnt
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I've been told in the time that I've been using this site, and roleplaying with others that I give nice feedback for various roleplay elements like sheets, posts, etc. I've been feeling a little out of touch with writing recently, and have been having something of a breather from the hobby. One of the ways I always manage to find myself reenergised, and with a spark is by spreading some kindness and uplifting people.



So, if any of you have a sheet, or even a standalone roleplay post that you're proud of -- please post it in here, and I will do my best to give you a critique and some feedback on your work.

Obviously if this thread is successful, there would be a lot of work for me to go through, so I'll respond in a first in, first out manner when I have the time to do so. I'm also not familiar with a lot of the fandoms out there - so if your work is part of a fandom, let me know what that is so that I can have a little context. All I ask, is please do not private message me your work; post it in the thread.

Finally, if I spend time critiquing your work - consider paying it forward to another person in the thread by giving feedback for them too. I think that about covers it.

I'm looking forward to reading your work, lovely people of the Guild!

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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by DELETED jdl3932
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DELETED jdl3932 Sok Il-Seong / (Second Initiation)

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Hmm. Well here's a sheet I feel isn't complete ass. Granted, I myself feel the history could be polished. As for the rest, it's for a non dice rolling D&D adventure RP that's about to start soon, hence why there isn't too much detail in those regards.

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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by spicykvnt
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*Free Hug*




*Notes within sheet

I really like this character, and I really like your sheet. I can tell from reading it how much care and love you’ve put into this -- the character feels very exciting and thought out. He has a pivotal life moment in his story, and there’s a lot of really beautiful descriptive writing in there - so well done for that.

One thing I would say to you as a suggestion, is when you write his personality, to give him something positive. Give him some quirks that are perhaps endearing. This will make him more well-rounded as currently he’s very very dark and ominous as a character. He has to have things about him that will make him important to a party of characters who may be very good and very light.

He should be able to fit in and be able to interact with them. Perhaps he is acting incredibly kind -- look at a character like Marvel’s Loki. Maybe giving Faelyn a reason for having initially wanting to be possessed also makes him more dynamic. Could there have been someone in his life that he loved - a parent, or sibling etc (I see that he does wish for them to be protected - I think this should be a bigger part of his reasoning, imo) and thus his desire for possession was to protect them? What was his motivation for it - was it simply for power? Why did he want that power? Is it revenge? Safety? Or just to watch the world burn? Sometimes the latter can become very campy and tropey, so be careful!

Anyway, again, this is a wonderful job on your sheet so far! You’ve said yourself that it isn’t finished so I’d love to see the finished one, and I hope you keep me updated with the escapades of Faelyn on his adventures as I’m already invested in his story!



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Hidden 4 yrs ago 4 yrs ago Post by DELETED jdl3932
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DELETED jdl3932 Sok Il-Seong / (Second Initiation)

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I thank you for both the kind words and feedback. To be honest, I had thought of a possible nickname, but got caught up in possible elvish variants to the point where nothing really materialized, hence the bit on the Ta'viri and their naming conventions. Although I will say "The Herald" is rather fitting. Not only for the reasons you stated, but also because he is technically a vessel to a demon and thus a herald of sorts for its power.

Now, to clarify some things.

In regards to things like how he found the demon, while I had it planned out as him hearing rumors of its trail of destruction and following that, I think I'm probably going to change that to make it more plausible and less... convenient.

As for not revealing some things in his sheet, while I know you would like to see more in the CS, I personally find leaving things like favourite foods and such unknown works better, in my case anyway, as it lets me think it out more in advance and then reveal it through interactions as the roleplay progresses.

Also, I do agree that some parts of the history section can be trimmed down quite a bit. That's always been a problem for me though. I usually stray into writing more than is strictly necessary, or bloat passages with tons of details, most of which don't technically matter in the long run.

Finally, as for his motivations, I have them as a very twisted form of nietzschean philosophy. Living in a frozen waste, he slowly had the worldview embedded in him that being strong is better than being weak, as being weak would essentially invite death. While this wasn't always the case, and there are many Ta'viri who are not strong by his definition, he still sees the world this way because he's sort of stuck in that close minded state. One similar to a tyrants, where they can't or don't realize they're wrong until it's far too late. Of course, for the sake of character development, I will have him question his rigid stance on strength vs weakness, as well as what he considers strength and what he considers weakness, but that will be done in the RP itself.
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Hidden 4 yrs ago 4 yrs ago Post by spicykvnt
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I thank you for both the kind words and feedback. To be honest, I had thought of a possible nickname, but got caught up in possible elvish variants to the point where nothing really materialized, hence the bit on the Ta'viri and their naming conventions. Although I will say "The Herald" is rather fitting. Not only for the reasons you stated, but also because he is technically a vessel to a demon and thus a herald of sorts for its power.

Now, to clarify some things.

In regards to things like how he found the demon, while I had it planned out as him hearing rumors of its trail of destruction and following that, I think I'm probably going to change that to make it more plausible and less... convenient.

As for not revealing some things in his sheet, while I know you would like to see more in the CS, I personally find leaving things like favourite foods and such unknown works better, in my case anyway, as it lets me think it out more in advance and then reveal it through interactions as the roleplay progresses.

Also, I do agree that some parts of the history section can be trimmed down quite a bit. That's always been a problem for me though. I usually stray into writing more than is strictly necessary, or bloat passages with tons of details, most of which don't technically matter in the long run.

Finally, as for his motivations, I have them as a very twisted form of nietzschean philosophy. Living in a frozen waste, he slowly had the worldview embedded in him that being strong is better than being weak, as being weak would essentially invite death. While this wasn't always the case, and there are many Ta'viri who are not strong by his definition, he still sees the world this way because he's sort of stuck in that close minded state. One similar to a tyrants, where they can't or don't realize they're wrong until it's far too late. Of course, for the sake of character development, I will have him question his rigid stance on strength vs weakness, as well as what he considers strength and what he considers weakness, but that will be done in the RP itself.


Regarding your writing a long backstory; it's actually one of the things that I liked the most about your sheet because it showed me immediately how passionate and into the character you are. While I've critiqued it, yes, your level of detail shows that you have this character really thought through. I can guess that you've played out his story in your mind many times and I love that. As a GM, I tend to push my players to scale back but that is simply my own preference and nothing more than that.

I can see from this sheet that you really care about this character, and that's half the battle when roleplaying, in my opinion. So many times I've thought of a concept for a character and I create the sheet and it just lacks that... Zest and without the zest the character has no longevity, and I grow bored of playing them. Your sheet is crammed with zest and I love to see it. :)
Hidden 4 yrs ago 4 yrs ago Post by DELETED jdl3932
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DELETED jdl3932 Sok Il-Seong / (Second Initiation)

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<Snipped quote by ZAVAZggg>

Regarding your writing a long backstory; it's actually one of the things that I liked the most about your sheet because it showed me immediately how passionate and into the character you are. While I've critiqued it, yes, your level of detail shows that you have this character really thought through. I can guess that you've played out his story in your mind many times and I love that. As a GM, I tend to push my players to scale back but that is simply my own preference and nothing more than that.

I can see from this sheet that you really care about this character, and that's half the battle when roleplaying, in my opinion. So many times I've thought of a concept for a character and I create the sheet and it just lacks that... Zest and without the zest the character has no longevity, and I grow bored of playing them. Your sheet is crammed with zest and I love to see it. :)


Well, I'm glad I was able to imbue him with such zest, and I know how you feel. There's been many times where I'll make a character that I like at first, only to have my interest fluctuate because they weren't as fleshed out as I thought, or because they lack that certain element that makes them fun to play.

Also, thinking it over, I decided to change his nickname to the Butcher of Caelora. Edgy and extremely ominous I know, but to be fair that's probably what his people would call him once word of his crimes had spread. Like how we have nicknames for notorious criminals here in our world. It won't be permanent or used incessantly of course, but I figured it would make more sense given the things he's done.

As for how they'd know he committed the crime, well that might be a bit of a stretch now that I think of it. Although maybe one could connect the dots and see that it was him orchestrating the whole thing, and not just some random raid.
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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by HaleyTheRandom
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HaleyTheRandom ☣ Hurricane Eyes ☣

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Here's a little OOC concept that I put together a couple weeks ago. It never got that much traction. Any tips you have for when I decide to bring it back would be helpful.



Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Punished GN
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This is a character I wanted to make for awhile now that I use in an urban fantasy RP I run. Probably not my best sheet but I like how I portrayed her character.
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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by spicykvnt
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I really like your introduction, it definitely teases something -- but I think it could go a little further. Really paint the picture. I’ve taken a lot of flights, something that I associate with flying is the safety video, strangely enough. I’ve taken that many that I don’t watch it anymore. Could you maybe write something about the person here doing the same?

You skip over the safety presentation, remembering to stow your luggage in the overhead storage, pushing your seatbelt closed until it clicks, tugging on the band.

In fact, you could make the whole intro like a safety run through - just incredibly mundane and boring until you hit them with the whammy of what’s happening! Just a thought! What you have is nice, already -- but I think you can stretch it further and really play with your source material.

You could end it with a “The Safety Video didn’t tell us what happens next.” or something, because clearly the crash is the starting point for this -- the rest is a sandbox of opportunity. Imagine being in that scenario. The plane going down, the way that the change in altitude fucks with the pressure in your ears. For some reason, I can really clearly hear ice cubes rattling - I can see an air hostesses trolley flying down the aisle.

There’s just a few little things that would give it that touch of polish and not only be interesting and enticing, but being actually anxiety inducing to read as well.

I don’t particularly know how to go about critiquing someone else's rules or sheet, since mine are so basic hehe! But this is a great start -- I wonder if you may have sat on this OOC for a while and maybe when you take a look back at it, you have fresh eyes and new ideas that have formed with giving it distance.

Also apologies for the very long wait. I've been kept far away from my computer.

This is such a great concept though, Haley, I'd love to keep an eye on this RP because Desert Island Stranded stories are so great!

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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by spicykvnt
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*Free Hug*

Individual notes in the sheet**

First of all, thank you for posting your sheet. I’m sorry it’s taken me a while to get to it.

I really like what you’ve already got down for this character. There are some real great touches throughout this that I liked, including your choice of aesthetic, and your physical character description.

I do think you can take this sheet further, though. Particularly in the history/background section -- there are parts in there that to me, feel irrelevant and should be replaced with more history of Katie. I find myself wanting to know more about her lessons with her Grandma because I think that’s such a beautifully feminine subject matter - (think Moana and her Grandmother). I’m curious as to her relationship with her mother - were there any moments of tension that left an impact on Katie? In my opinion, these points and examples are worth more on a sheet than a run through of the parent’s relationship with each other.

Her twin is also mentioned only briefly -- you say that she was very different to him, did her lessons with her Grandmother put any kind of strain on her relationship with her brother? If you’re going to use twins, really drive it home that they have a ‘connection’; highlight the differences, give us an example of their differences too -- but also the similarities.

Twins are a huuuuuuuge minefield of writing material -- don’t gloss over that, really dig deep into what that means and you’ll make your character stronger for it.

Another question I have is whether the relationships she has with her family members influences in any way her treatment of Amelia?

This is a great job though, I’d love to see this sheet again if you had another crack at it :)
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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Punished GN
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@Stormflyx hawt

you really gave me some ideas to expand/flesh out her character and I might as well do it since I have all this extra time.

When we saw a mention of Katie’s break up earlier, I really expected this to be a crazy ex, something awful but this more or less actually paints Katie in a bad light, and not the other way around. This is cool actually, if intentional. It shows that she has an unreliable narrators view of what had actually happened and it sort of subverted my expectations.


It was intentional mostly because I like a little splash of unreliable narrator and the fact that I like my characters being flawed, morally grey, people.
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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by rebornfan320
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rebornfan320 Always looking for RP partners

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@Stormflyx

Well here is my Fantasy Half-elf in the hider. I think I did him pretty well.


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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Punished GN
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@Stormflyx okay here's another character sheet I just made for... no rp in particular. I just really got inspired to write her sheet, but she's an adaptation of a little "mini novel" I wrote while I was gone a little while ago - and her backstory is more or less an adaptation of what happens except not with her going crazy and getting killed.

My intention was initially to write her as a villain that agrees to plunge the world into chaos out of boredom, but I decided to change her motivations to be somewhat altruistic... while she's still without a doubt a scumbag.

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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by spicykvnt
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Individual Notes in sheet*

@rebornfan320 *warm hugs*

First of all, I like your sheet -- and the effort you’ve made is clear. That said, overall the sheet feels very undercooked, and quite surface level -- and by that, I mean it still, to me, feels more like the first draft while you work through a concept for a character. That’s not a bad thing at all, by the way. You’re halfway there, to repeat a phrase I’ve been using an awful lot -- you just need to add the seasoning and bring everything together :)

When I’m trying to develop a character a bit, I think about the roleplay I’m applying for. I try to think up scenarios that are likely to happen, and then think of what my character would do. I think about what would frighten them, what kind of person they are likely to get along with, and who they may not.

I’d also suggest that you be conscious of the layout of your sheet; a good way to think of your sheet is that it's like the resume for your character. List the basic info - Name/Age/Race/Job first of all, then a paragraph on appearance with a picture too if you have one, a section for personality, and a section for background/history. These are the core sections of your sheet so don’t bury them under other information.

I would challenge you to keep at this sheet -- look at some of the questions I’ve jotted down in the notes, and see if you can answer them. Sometimes leaving a sheet or piece of writing to sit for a few days is super helpful - it allows us to look back with fresh eyes and that’s often how I take something that I thought was good, and make it into something that is much better. That has really been the best way I’ve developed my own writer’s voice, tone, and style.

Think about my feedback, and take another chip at it because I’d love to see the Cinder sheet again when you’ve had another go! Awesome stuff Reborn <3
Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by BangoSkank
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BangoSkank Halfway Intriguing Halfling

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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Tala93
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Out of all the sheets I have done over the years, I would honestly say that this probably one of my best sheets so far. Maybe that might be a bit over confident. She falls into many realms of some of my favorite genres. It's still a work in progress so any feedback would be fantastic.

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Thanks for patience everyone, I'll get these done this weekend :) Looking forward to reading the work!
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*Big Hug*

I like this sheet a lot, it's mostly just a history so I'd want to see both how you would write her appearance, and also a written personality section. I'm not getting a sense of that part of who she is from the history alone. Much of it describes the events that happened around her, and I'm left hungry for information about her inner thoughts, and her personal change. The sheet would benefit so much from adding those two sections, in my opinion.

I love vampire characters though, and vampire mythology. You've taken a very classic gothic approach to this, both with the setting, the time frame, and the overall regality of it and I love that. I'm getting throwbacks to Buffy, Interview with the Vampire, Underworld etc which were all just a huge part of my early foray into fiction and into Vampires.

It's worth noting that you've crafted a really strong history for Nathalie, and also for the people around her and so for that I applaud you. Well done! I'd be very interested in reading your posts and roleplays based off this.
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*Huge Hug*

This is great, Bango.

I instantly knew what you were doing, and the choice to use a humorous voice in the creation of this sheet was a great one. Maybe you did or did not realise that doing so would also give the sheet a real nice gravitas to is when it comes to the serious parts - the addictions of the character, the head injury. It feels almost like a surreal read at times. The ramblings of a maniac, it feels unreliable, in your face, really loud -- all of these choices only add layers to the character.

I'd love you to take another look at this now, 11 days later, to see how it hits you now. Look at my suggestions and maybe have another crack at it, because this feels like one of those sheets that needs a little time to mature and for some of the ideas you have to fall into place.

Nice job bud.
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Hidden 4 yrs ago Post by Tala93
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@StormflyxAwesome thank you. Will definitely toss your insights in.
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