You know, I'm feeling in the zone so I may regret this, but I think I'm gonna try a second character.C H A R A C T E R C O N C E P T P R O P O S A LHOWARD LONGNAMEOVICH ♦ INTERDIMENSIONAL INSURANCE AGENT ♦ THE MULTIVERSE ♦ PECK PROPERTY & CASUALTY INSURANCE, INTERDIMENSIONAL FIRE & LIFE DIVISONC H A R A C T E R C O N C E P T:"What the fuck?"
-- MBInspired by stuff like Doctor Who, H2G2, and the Howard the Duck comics, I want to tell some comedic sci-fi stories and that's pretty much it. Can't let Hound have all the fun!C H A R A C T E R M O T I V A T I O N S & G O A L S:Howard wants to become the multiverse's A-#1 insurance agent. Call me now for a quote on everything from uninsured motorist to retcon insurance. Lost your house in an attack from space invaders? You're covered! Got maimed by a time-displaced caveman? You're covered! Subjected to a shitty reboot where the words "Fuck Batman" actually come out of your mouth? You're covered! I'm here to help you!C H A R A C T E R N O T E S:CAST
Vandal Savage (Earth #21099) -- Uninsured interdimensonal conqueror. Major asshole. Doesn't even leave a courtesy note when he wipes out a planet.
Bruce Banner/The Hulk (Earth #0002) -- An older, greyer (pun) Hulk who has reached the end of his superhero days and is now transitioning to a second career. Howard's intern. Hulk smash lunch order.
The Despair (Earth #2292) -- Hive mind that is bent on utter and complete assimilation of their dimension's inhabitants. One of Howard's best clients.
Zeus Bain/Flying Squirrel Man (Earth #798) -- Superhero and member of the Righteous Guild. Inhabits an earth that couldn't afford the rights to licensed characters.
The Phillie Phanatic (Earth #090995) -- Serial killer/baseball mascot. Got absolutely washed by Tommy Lasodra one time.
Meryl Streep (Earth #321210) -- Hardened criminal. Most prolific bank robber in the multiverse. Just a real delight, crushes everything she does.S A M P L E P O S T:Reality #8675309
Peck Property & Casualty Insurance Offices
“Hey. I’m Mr. Dickhead. And I’m a real asshole. I go around dimensions and I do things like key your car, set your house on fire, and tea-bag your mom's vegetable soup. If you want to protect your shit against assholes like me, then get Greco Interdimensional Insurance today.”
“Waugh,” Howard the Duck snarled. He grabbed the remote on his desk and turned off the monitor mounted on the far wall of his office. He shook his head as he laid the remote back down beside a stack of three-ring binders.
Howard rubbed his temples with his feathered hands and sighed. “Greco, Greco, Greco.”
“A new ad?”
Bruce Banner walked through the door holding two cardboard coffee cups. He gave one to Howard while he kept the other. Howard took a deep pull off his coffee before talking.
“Yes. A new ad. I expect nothing less from the company that prioritizes marketing over superior coverage and products.”
Howard’s company did their own share of advertising. For awhile, Howard had been featured in commercials as Peck Property & Casualty Insurance’s Agent of the Year campaign. It was pretty straightforward. Howard gave a speech to the folks watching:
“Hi, folks. My name is Howard the Duck, and I am Peck Property & Casualty’s Agent of the Year for the year 2018 in realities 0003-0054, and 0057-0068, 1969 for all you groovy cats in realities 9813-44401, and the year of 42069 (nice) in the reality where everyone is perpetually sixteen years old. Along with my accolades, those same realities also named Peck Property & Casualty as the #1 insurance company for those years. How was it that over a thousand different dimensions recognized our work? It’s simple. At Peck Property & Casualty, all our agents go above and beyond the expectations of good service. It’s the Peck guarantee. And for an agent to be named agent of the year, it speaks to how far I will go to offer good service to my customers. Don’t take it from me, hear it from some of my insured:”
“As a power hungry dictator, I often have to face many threats from challengers both at home and abroad. When it looked like the cursed Richards would finally win the day, Howard assured that my plot armor insurance was up to date, and he also helped me figure out how to go get a good discount on Life Model Decoys. NO ONE BESTS DOOM! VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE, RICHARDS! Thanks, Howard.”
“*indecipherable howls.* *Yak bleating* *bones crunching* Howard. #1!”
“When some greedy executives tried to use me as a bargaining chip in their corporate negotiations, I was worried I would be kicked out of the cinematic universe I had just recently entered. So I called Howard and it turned out that he had me signed up fr reboot fatigue coverage for up to ten years. Take that, Andrew Garfield! What’s more, he told Kevin Fiege to &$@# off. Thanks, Howard!”
“So you see, I go the extra mile for my customers. It’s what all Peck Property & Casualty agents do. If you want to experience the different first hand, give us a call and get your quote in as little as ten minutes, or go to peckpac.com or .org or .biz or .boobs, depending on your reality. Peck Property & Casualty, no slogans, just good service.”
"Good coffee, Bruce," said Howard. "You always do a great job.
"There's a science to it," said Banner. "And of the few things I know, science is one of them."
Howard watched his trainee sip coffee from across his desk. To Howard, Banner looked like a college professor. Round, rimless glasses with long graying hair pulled back into a ponytail. Hard to believe that the Hulk was inside him, just waiting to come out. But Banner had insisted that those days were behind him. In Bruce's reality, the Avengers had a falling out after Hawkeye spiked the lemonade at the Avengers annual picnic with laxative. They'd called the event Civil War 3, which Howard fully couldn't quite grasp. What had happened in Civil War's 1 and 2? Regardless, the fight had been brutal and Banner gave up both the Hulk and the dimension for a second life here with him. Howard had his doubts on if Bruce really had banished the Hulk. On one hand, having the Hulk as backup would be great. But as an insurance man, a raging monster who destroyed property left and right was a nightmare. Think of how high his premiums must be!
“Enough about advertising, let’s look at the Book.”
Howard placed a small metal cube on the desk and pressed the single button on the cube’s smooth surface. A hologram projection showed a network of dots across a great expanse. There were plenty of green dots, several red dots, and a vast collection of black dots.
“Pop quiz,” announced Howard. “What do the color coding on the dots mean?”
“Green is a dimension where you have at least one insured client,” said Banner. “Red means that you don’t. And black means those are realities where there is no interdimensional traffic, so they are outside of PP&C’s coverage.”
“Correct. And what does…. It mean when a green dot is flashing yellow?”
Banner looked at Howard with a puzzled expression.
“I don’t know, Mr. The Duck.”
“Call me Howard. Mr. The Duck was my father.” Howard pointed towards hologram map of the Book. One of the green dots was in fact pulsing a deep amber color.
“That means that one of our insured is currently in the process of filing a claim.”
Howard pressed the button on the Book again and zoomed in to the dot. Information crawled across the display beside the flashing dot.
REALITY # 3311
INSURED: US PRESIDENT MCGILLICUTTY (JOINT GLOBAL POLICY)
CLAIM: ALIEN INVASION
“Alright,” said Howard. He pushed stood up and rifled through the drawers of his desk. He pulled out a large rifle and tossed Banner a black rectangular device. “That’s an interdimensional beacon. It’s how we move between realities. Keep it clipped to your belt and never have it leave your sight.”
Howard flicked a button on the rifle. It sparked blue energy and began to hum. He looked at Banner and winked.
“Let’s go give some great service.”P O S T C A T A L O G:TBA
You actually went and did it, you mad fuckin lad.